In Laws never visit grandchildren

@HoppityBun Not supposition at all, experience of being a grandparent, having read on here many posts about and from grandparents. There are two posts from OP and not a great deal of extra information. We have different experiences perhaps.

I am struggling to understand what exactly your husband needs help with?

These aren’t new grandparents and you will have read that their son has invited them many times to stay in the spare room. This post is all supposition because you’re a grandparent.

We’re in a similar position OP. My PIL don’t bother with us at all. Make plans to see us, then cancel last minute for no particular reason (both visiting us & vice versa). It used to be very hard on our children when they were younger & excited about seeing them. I got to a point where we didn’t mention any plans-then they weren’t disappointed. Now have very little contact with them, the odd birthday card, when they remember & that’s about it. It’s very sad, but ultimately their choice.

Yes, seriously! I have a debilitating chronic pain condition and couldn’t possibly drive 4 hours in a day, even though I love driving. All my grandchildren happen to be 4 hours away and I have to rely on a friend to drive me or do a ‘meet you half-way’ situation. You can’t assume everyone can do what you can do.

Well, I can say, as a great grandmother, that I had HUGE interest in my granddaughter ( who has now two daughters). She lived with us until she was 4, then again when she went to senior school, then again for 4 years when she finished university. She now lives over 3 and a half hours away and we have driven there and back in a day several times but now we are older it is not easy and so we don’t. Each summer we ask all the family to meet up half way for a Sunday lunch or an afternoon at a zoo for example, but it always feels like a huge unwanted effort on their part so this year I don’t know if I can do be bothered. During Covid, I bought a Portal and tried to keep in touch with everyone that way but I was told that great granddaughter didn’t want to sit and say hello for a few seconds or hear a story so that ended. The adults showed no interest in seeing or speaking to us. I isolate in the winter due to a medical condition so I only have a few months a year when I can see them but they do not invite us up or offer to come to us. It would be tricky to sleep them all now but there is a motel a few streets away so they could stay there. Yes they can afford it. So, we have sadly lost interest. They have busy lives and have always things on that come first and now so have we. That’s just the way it’s turned out. It’s not for the want of trying. It is not always the grandparent’s doing.

You read so many crazy things on here, people complaining about in laws visiting, complaining because someone touched the baby and it goes on. Safer to keep away unless invited.

Sorry for your loss. Echoing all the other comments. It's all too common and you won't change them. Focus on people who actually care and let them be.

Does DH have a sister?

It’s sad OP and the truth is they just don’t care enough. My in-laws in their 70s make a 2.5h journey at least once a month to see us / granddaughter and we visit them too and know we’re very welcome. If it’s important, 2hs is hardly unmanageable.

My in laws are the same, only they live ten minutes away. They come for Christmas lunch and then disappear as soon as they can. We used to visit them a lot when the children were little, but never felt particularly welcome. They’ve never cooked me meal. Whenever we invited them to us they’d find a reason to decline or stay ten minutes and then go. I don’t bother now, I leave DH to ring them on birthdays but other than that don’t see or speak
to them for months at a time. No obvious reason why, we always welcomed them, the children aren’t particularly hard work, house is clean and tidy etc. I think they’re just not bothered.

Conversely, my parents are in their late 70s, live an hour and half away and visit at least once a month. We don’t go to them so often as my children are teens now and are out and about at activities most weekends and don’t want to miss those to sit in the Grandparents’ house! My parents have a really close relationship with my children, the in laws barely know them.

Someone hit the nail on the head here asking what kind of parents were they? I say this because I’m in the same situation. In laws never have visited DD twice since she was born for a cup of tea. We make the effort to go to them once or twice a month. Whereas my dad comes to see DD twice a week, plays with her, takes her out etc. I was upset and my partner spoke to me about how they just aren’t that sort of grandparent. They weren’t those sort of parents either whereas my dad was always kicking a football about with us, taking us out on weekends etc

Some people just aren’t like that and once my partner explained it and I accepted it, I just think their loss

My sister wasn't talking to me so we weren't invited or welcome at her house.

doesnt matter how often you invite them or how often you go to visit them, contrary to what most ppl say on here. im of the opinion that they are simply not interested, no matter how many times you insist for a visit. some people are just like that. my dad was the same, i had to beg him to come meet his first grandchild. never made an effort after. just yesterday was on a call with my mom, he was in the background and the only thing he said to my toddler is that her hair is ugly. so, sometimes its good to have some distance, too

Have you invited them ? Maybe they think they're intruding or inconveniencing you.
Do you make the effort to visit them?

I’ve been married 38 years so my children are all grown up now. However in all that time in-laws have only visited us two hours away three times, and one of those was our wedding.

We visited them about 4 times a year, it’s just how some people are, they expect the ‘children’ to visit the parents.

What is your AIBU?

When do you go and visit them?

... okay?

I'm in my mid 40s and consider a 4hr round-trip a mission...

Do u drive over and visit them? If so how often??

fil needs to grow a pair and make sure he still sees his own grandchildren even if she interested.

ask them to come. some people need an invitation..

When I think of 'you reap what you sow' I don't think if it in terms of how much we'll help them depending on what they've done for us but more so how interested the GC will be in them.

My DM is simply amazing. She lives alone and still works but has always been the most doting GP (in a very non-annoying way!) ..she's genuinely really interested in all her GC, not just the cute baby stage and my own DC will ring her to tell her their news because she's always shown an interest in them and never missed seeing them on birthdays etc..

The in-laws OTOH, were interested in the baby stage but not anymore. Doesn't help that FIL is married to a woman that is not DHs mum. She is not remotely interested in her husband's GC and that's fair enough. What's not fair is not allowing him to see his own GC. What grates the most is that now there are finally 'shared' GC born, they travel further to visit them than they ever did to visit us. They visit this GC weekly, a 4 hour round trip and come to see us maybe annually (we're 45 mins away).

Ipso facto my DC are not remotely interested in them. If they died tomorrow I doubt they'd shed a tear which is sad but you can't blame them.

Why won’t they come? Why do you think they’re not more interested in your D.C.?

Was the inlaws allowed to come near the the kids when they was born.
Some parents ban all visits, hugs everything for months, some its 6months a time and the parents wonder why they dont bond later on.