Page 9 | The only way to overcome anxiety is through exposure

Passaggressfedup · 2026-05-04T06:28:00+00:00

I recently overcome a massive anxiety of mine. I feel so liberated and proud. It has made me think of the other significant anxiety triggers I experienced in life and concluded that all have been overcome through regular, controlled exposure over time. I read so many thread about children or young people experiencing anxiety, where the parent has opted to take the child away from the situation thinking it is what's best for them. I appreciate that there was some specific instances where removal is the for the best, but aren't we, as a society, making things worse by not helping our children to face their fear so that they can not only gradually get over that particular fear, but also learn to build that sense of resilience, pride and positivity that comes with it?

Bangonthebigbassdrum · 04/05/2026 08:29

I have a disease that makes going out in public difficult due to the comments I receive from the general public. This causes me great anxiety.
It doesn't matter how many times I go out and how regularly because the anticipation for a comment is always there.

I imagine this is like being a child and going into school where you are being bullied.
You know you are going to get comments from your bully/bullies every day because the past has told you that much. Therefore you withdraw.

You then build yourself up to go at it again but continue to receive insults or violence. The anxiety surrounding school is now immense, doesn't matter how few lessons you do, different start times, the thing that is causing anxiety is still there.
There are some awfully behaved children with some disgusting behaviour towards teachers and students attending schools. They can't be expelled yet continue to disrupt and upset all around them.

Yet we expect the children to just tolerate this and carry on. In my day children would be disciplined and expelled for persistently bad and bullying behaviour but now they just get negative marks on a computer behaviour system and then sent back amongst the general population.

Original poster

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:28

I kept on being responsible, powering through, until my body stopped me. Now I’ve learned to be a bit more sympathetic to myself, to rest when exhausted, to stop things that are causing me pain
So not gradual and controlled exposure?

OP posts:

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:28

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:26

Because I wouldn’t feel any pride and confidence being violently raped?
I think you are totally misunderstanding what this thread is about!

If the trauma of tape triggers a fear of the dark for instance, it's about learning to feel ok in the dark.

It's obviously not learning that it's ok to be raped!

You’re comparing cptsd to a fear of the dark?

wow.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 04/05/2026 08:28

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:26

Because I wouldn’t feel any pride and confidence being violently raped?
I think you are totally misunderstanding what this thread is about!

If the trauma of tape triggers a fear of the dark for instance, it's about learning to feel ok in the dark.

It's obviously not learning that it's ok to be raped!

I think you may need to spell out that you are talking about anxiety as it initially presents rather than PTSD, CPTSD etc.

People are rather talking at cross purposes.

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:27

Please be aware that the advice on this thread may well be dangerous, depending on you or your child’s level of trauma and the causes. It is amateurish at best and could well do more harm than good. You should seek professional support. If you are trying to help someone in your family.

Original poster

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:26

Because I wouldn’t feel any pride and confidence being violently raped?
I think you are totally misunderstanding what this thread is about!

If the trauma of tape triggers a fear of the dark for instance, it's about learning to feel ok in the dark.

It's obviously not learning that it's ok to be raped!

OP posts:

topcat2014 · 04/05/2026 08:26

It depends doesn't it. I'm never doing a parachute jump but it's not held me back. No plans to get a dog but I've gradually got more used to them over my life

nearlylovemyusername · 04/05/2026 08:25

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:20

So I’m supposed to be so violently raped that I can’t describe it here because it’s too upsetting for others to read. Every day for three years.

yeah right.

I'm really very sorry to hear what's happened to you and I hope perpetrators locked in jail till the end of time.

How are you living your life now?

Original poster

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:24

I'm not sure if a phobia is the same as anxiety but I'm exposed to spiders every time I open my garage and I'm in there daily
Well yes because it's not gradual exposure. That's the whole point, you don't get over a phobia by being thrown into the trigger. Gradual and control is key.

For spiders, it might start with just looking at pictures of them without getting the heart rate tripping. It might then move to knowing there is one next door but can't come in. Then being in the same room but not looking at it etc...it's finding out what would work for you. That's the journey parents need to take with their kids.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/05/2026 08:22

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:16

How do you propose to expose people to triggers that are rooted in abuse?
Totally depends on the abuse, by whom, and how the anxiety is triggered is expressing itself.

It's about learning that you can be exposed to a similar initial situation without getting the same outcome. Your brain gradually break the link between trigger and outcome.

I get it's a similar process to immunology for severe allergies. Our body has learnt to automatically respond excessively to a trigger. We can't control it. Immunology introduces the allergen very gradually in a way that our body learns that it is okay and not a danger. Most immunology treatment takes at least 3 years. Exposure is rarely a quick process.

Tell me you know nothing about trauma…

Traumatic experiences are held in our body in different ways, when these are “triggered” they create the same, automatic, instinctive response that the original trauma did. Being able to recognise that you are being triggered, knowing what that feels like for you, and learning how to regulate that response is very careful, tricky work. Traditional exposure therapy can be very harmful because the trigger is located in the individual rather than the environment (although it can feel environmental), basically someone can end up deeply retraumatised if trauma response isn’t properly understood and supported.

The more you speak the less knowledgeable you appear.

Yes, in some cases a bit of “just get on with it” can help, in many others it can do lasting harm.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 04/05/2026 08:22

Achi11ia · 04/05/2026 08:17

Exactly this!

Show quote history

That ‘get on with it, keep going no matter what’ attitude left me with fibromyalgia.

I kept on being responsible, powering through, until my body stopped me. Now I’ve learned to be a bit more sympathetic to myself, to rest when exhausted, to stop things that are causing me pain.

Banging your head on a wall and waiting for the pain to stop- and it will-, isn’t a long term strategy.

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:20

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:19

Also. Pride and confidence? Really?
That's what most people I know have said they feel when they are able to do something they once feared badly. Why are you surprised?

Nope you are wrong, sorry stick to the day job
I don't think I'm wrong. You are free to disagree. Not sure why the need for rudeness though!

Because I wouldn’t feel any pride and confidence being violently raped?

Original poster

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:20

So in your expert opinion, exposure to repeated violent rapes would help me?
Gosh, no, that's not what I'm saying, obviously. It's not the event you need to be exposed to but the triggers for your fears. What triggers the anxiety for you?

OP posts:

CrocsNotDocs · 04/05/2026 08:20

Exactly. Every teenage school refuser I know has parents that let them skip anything that made them uncomfortable from a young age- sports days, swimming carnivals, school camps, cross countries.

The kids never got that invaluable life skill of “well that sucked. I’m glad it’s over. And nothing bad happened. Next time will suck too, but I know I can get through”

Instead they learn they don’t need to do things that make them uncomfortable and what’s more, they probably couldn’t do it anyway because mum and dad must agree they aren’t capable of doing it because they let them skip it.

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:20

So I’m supposed to be so violently raped that I can’t describe it here because it’s too upsetting for others to read. Every day for three years.

yeah right.

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:19

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:16

How do you propose to expose people to triggers that are rooted in abuse?
Totally depends on the abuse, by whom, and how the anxiety is triggered is expressing itself.

It's about learning that you can be exposed to a similar initial situation without getting the same outcome. Your brain gradually break the link between trigger and outcome.

I get it's a similar process to immunology for severe allergies. Our body has learnt to automatically respond excessively to a trigger. We can't control it. Immunology introduces the allergen very gradually in a way that our body learns that it is okay and not a danger. Most immunology treatment takes at least 3 years. Exposure is rarely a quick process.

Frankly, yo have no clue.

Original poster

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:19

Also. Pride and confidence? Really?
That's what most people I know have said they feel when they are able to do something they once feared badly. Why are you surprised?

Nope you are wrong, sorry stick to the day job
I don't think I'm wrong. You are free to disagree. Not sure why the need for rudeness though!

OP posts:

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 04/05/2026 08:19

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:02

My anxiety is caused by a violent rape.

would I be cured if I got raped more often?

I’m so sorry that you went through that and still feel vulnerable. It’s hard to express how destructive those kinds of experiences can be. Me too, though sort of non violent, if there is such a thing.
My reaction was the classic opposite of anxiety though- putting myself in dangerous places, trying to reclaim control. I could have done with someone supportive helping me find a safer path.

It’s how to address anxiety that is out of proportion to the danger, I think. Walking to the post box in daylight with a friend should be safe and therefore not cause anxiety. That’s the kind of exposure the OP means.

Achi11ia · 04/05/2026 08:17

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/05/2026 08:17

You really think that’s the actions of a mentally healthy adult?

Yes it’s important to be able to cope with adversity, it’s also important to know when to stop and take care of yourself.

Show quote history

Exactly this!

Achi11ia · 04/05/2026 08:17

Maray1967 · 04/05/2026 08:10

Some of us ‘just get on with it’ because we were brought up with a very strong sense of how unacceptable it is to let people down. If you had that kind of upbringing it is like a superpower - it doesn’t occur to you to bail out and not go to work etc. I worked a full day after our second ivf failure. I couldn’t wear contact lenses as my eyes were so sore from the crying the previous evening. I made up a story about having forgotten to neutralise the contact lens solution and got through a full day of teaching, meetings, dissertation supervisions. It didn’t even end at night as I was scheduled to lead a Lent prayer group in someone’s house. I turned up and did it. Later on when people found out, I literally didn’t have one person tell me they would have done the same. Everyone told me I should have called in sick. But it never occurred to me to do so. Nothing bad happened. It was tough, but I got through it. Years later I had to deal with an external inspection at work - very scary in some ways as the then boss was not the type to forgive a bad departmental outcome. Again, I just got on with it, despite actually feeling slightly sick before the first meeting.

I’ve tried to instil a strong sense of responsibility to others in my DC as I’m convinced it actually is very helpful to the person themselves. Don’t necessarily prioritise your feelings - remember your responsibility to others. If some of my students over the years had had a similar attitude it would have served them much better than the upbringing they appear to have had where it was fine to bail out when things get tough or challenging.

I had the same type of upbringing. I tried to instill the same in my children and alongside other factors caused a huge amount of damage. They have had to learn exactly the reverse to get well.

Iriseee · 04/05/2026 08:17

I'm not sure if a phobia is the same as anxiety but I'm exposed to spiders every time I open my garage and I'm in there daily. I still feel extremely frightened of them and will absolutely freak out if one crawls on me. This is because of what happened when I was younger. Same with dogs. I've had lots of exposure to large dogs so I can be around them but I still feel extremely anxious. Public speaking is the same, I've done tons of it and it has made it easier but I still feel anxious when I do it.

Basically I agree with your main point but you can just "get on with it" and still be anxious.

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/05/2026 08:17

Maray1967 · 04/05/2026 08:10

Some of us ‘just get on with it’ because we were brought up with a very strong sense of how unacceptable it is to let people down. If you had that kind of upbringing it is like a superpower - it doesn’t occur to you to bail out and not go to work etc. I worked a full day after our second ivf failure. I couldn’t wear contact lenses as my eyes were so sore from the crying the previous evening. I made up a story about having forgotten to neutralise the contact lens solution and got through a full day of teaching, meetings, dissertation supervisions. It didn’t even end at night as I was scheduled to lead a Lent prayer group in someone’s house. I turned up and did it. Later on when people found out, I literally didn’t have one person tell me they would have done the same. Everyone told me I should have called in sick. But it never occurred to me to do so. Nothing bad happened. It was tough, but I got through it. Years later I had to deal with an external inspection at work - very scary in some ways as the then boss was not the type to forgive a bad departmental outcome. Again, I just got on with it, despite actually feeling slightly sick before the first meeting.

I’ve tried to instil a strong sense of responsibility to others in my DC as I’m convinced it actually is very helpful to the person themselves. Don’t necessarily prioritise your feelings - remember your responsibility to others. If some of my students over the years had had a similar attitude it would have served them much better than the upbringing they appear to have had where it was fine to bail out when things get tough or challenging.

You really think that’s the actions of a mentally healthy adult?

Yes it’s important to be able to cope with adversity, it’s also important to know when to stop and take care of yourself.

Original poster

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:16

How do you propose to expose people to triggers that are rooted in abuse?
Totally depends on the abuse, by whom, and how the anxiety is triggered is expressing itself.

It's about learning that you can be exposed to a similar initial situation without getting the same outcome. Your brain gradually break the link between trigger and outcome.

I get it's a similar process to immunology for severe allergies. Our body has learnt to automatically respond excessively to a trigger. We can't control it. Immunology introduces the allergen very gradually in a way that our body learns that it is okay and not a danger. Most immunology treatment takes at least 3 years. Exposure is rarely a quick process.

OP posts:

CoffeeNDogs · 04/05/2026 08:15

TeenToTwenties · 04/05/2026 07:58

Oh that's easy, considerable childhood trauma, GCSE schooling years academic pressure, Covid, and a few other factors all combining simultaneously in a perfect storm.

But thanks for the judgement.

Show quote history

There is a whole generation that suffers from GCSE schooling years academic pressure and Covid . Sadly, that's not unique or unusual. I have a DC that was dropped like a hot potato when it was clear they wouldn't sit exams....

I think the childhood trauma and a few other factors should not be underestimated, but at the same time that's her story and she will have to learn to come to terms with it. Its not going to go away. She obviously has you to fight her corner so teach her to make the most of life and not dwell to much on a past that can't be changed.

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:14

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:11

She has had a lot of intensive treatment from skilled professionals and we have learnt that careful balancing of her anxieties is key- not exposure
I still believe exposure is the only way to properly get to a point where you are freed from anxiety, but exposure needs to be well managed. It's an individual process. If exposure causes trauma, then that exposure was too much at that time and needs to be taken back. Again, the key is not to give up.

So in your expert opinion, exposure to repeated violent rapes would help me?