Stick your fundraiser - the hardest test will be leaving my children for so long

If they are determined to do it then it really comes down to putting up with it as you phrase it or ending the marriage, and I can quite see that with three very young children and one a newborn you might not be in the right frame of mind to consider doing that.

@MrsShawnHatosy i don’t know, to be honest. Life doesn’t have to stop when you have children; however pretending that it can just carry on much as it ever did as long as you have a supportive partner is a bit of a stretch to say the least.

Maybe it is possible if you have a lot of money or if you have supportive family as well as your partner. But with multiple children it’s always going to be a challenge. Of course, we have passions and interests and they don’t change when we have children but they can’t be forefront, they just can’t, no matter how much some insist they can.

I wonder if this guy gets paid paternity leave and is using it not to care for his new arrival but to abandon them, his post partum wife and other young children to avoid family life?

TBH if this man's wife is looking forward to a break from her DP for a few weeks when she has a new baby and a child with additional needs, he must also be a dreadful husband and father in other ways.

Yes, of course I feel the same, perhaps even more so. Why wouldn’t I?

When we choose to have children we take on responsibility for them and their wellbeing. The most basic part of this responsibility is trying to remain alive in order to be a parent to them. We may also need to postpone self-actualisation in order to be available for them as a parent. Again, we have chosen to do this.

I had a big ‘thing’ (taking up my spare time for several years) that I wanted to do when my DC was five, but I realised that it would consume far too much time away from them at that crucial stage. I am doing it now they are a teenager and their needs have evolved.

I mean if he drove a Waitrose I might consider it…

I was saying g similar around th London Marathon. There was a guy who’d ran a marathon every day for a year, and I just felt sorry for his wife having to put her life on hold for a year while he went out running for a few hours every day.

Yanbu in so far as it's clearly a hobby holiday that he is asking other people to fund. I certainly don't think he's a hero and I agree that the whole thing is selfish.

But I'm somewhat uncomfortable with your characterisation of the poor downtrodden wife left at home with the children, with no agency over anything and doesn't even dare to voice her objections. I mean, I'm sure that kind of woman does exist, but we're in the 21st century now...we do actually have options other than to just put up and shut up?

He sounds a right twat but more fool her for tolerating this level of nonsense.

Not insulting her at all 🙄Just saying I wouldn't put up with it. This is not a small blip, this is months away from his young children disguised as 'charity' when he is just taking a break from any kind of responsibility. You might put up with that, I wouldn't.

I cringe every time I see one of these ding-dongs on the local news. “I’ve cycled all the way from John O’Groats dressed as a chicken” - so what!!!

Reverse it and the comments would be very similar but with a lot more upset about the baby being left for so long. If you think women get less criticism than men about leaving their kids then you're not paying much attention.

Well maybe it’s because raising children never attracts rapturous applause in the same way a man can for playing with his bike fo 4 months. And. To add insult he’s on a jolly whilst she does all the child care. I can’t imagine, for fear of vomit, the hero’s welcome he’ll get for simply returning to his actually fucking job, of taking care of his children! Pathetic little gobshite.

A friend of mine goes on loads of incredible trips for up to a month at a time. He has a partner but no kids. She loves the time apart and says it really works for them. However, he has skills that are needed for the trip so doesn't have to pay for it. He also saves a lot to go on other trips as does she. I wouldn't donate to a fundraiser. That's wild.

You sound lovely…

But you can make decisions based on his actions.

On the topic of leaving family behind I did used to wonder how Mrs Peake felt about it all, what with her DH up gadding around in space and leaving her to look after their two little boys by herself. I know he is supposed to be lovely and a national hero, but still…

The mountaineer Alison Hargreaves left two children behind while she went off climbing K2 and was killed aged 33. Do you feel the same way about her?

But they’ve made it everyone’s business by asking for money.
MN is full of opinions - why are you so bothered about this one?

Well he's a selfish bastard for leaving his DC for so long, and his wife alone to parent them. More fool her though for having another baby with the selfish prick, especially if he's done this several times before. I'd have divorced him, not got pregnant by him. He must have a very generous and forgiving employer if they can afford to lose an employee for a third of the year. Makes you wonder what value he brings to that company if they don't miss him.

If we went back to paying after the event had been completed it might put off these adventurers and encourage the genuine fund raisers-the litter pickers, the grass mowers and so on.

It’s a Catholic church, I don't mind giving donations (although at the time our children were very young and we were living on one wage so didn't have a-lot of spare money)
It doesn't feel right when its the same well off families grabbing these opportunities, promoting their children when they could afford to send them without the donations.

Thats an interesting link…..!

I completely agree , it's not like he's been conscripted. This kind of thing screams narcissism.

This is just an example and doesn’t imply that anyone else is acting in the same way, but this is the kind of fundraising irregularity that can occur when someone is doing a solo challenge of this kind. Not good at all and horrible for the bereaved mother to be apparently so let down by this man.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cglgnx26kwgo

I am not sponsoring other people's holidays either - we have an amazing local charity I give regularly too, small amounts. I am so emotionally connected to that charity that giving even small amounts to other charities feels like I am stealing from it. I know, it is weird.

This whole thread is hilarious! Unless OP is his wife, how does she know what his wife feels! Typical MumsNet bashing a man, perhaps it’s time to call the ManbashingNet! If it was a man posting about his wife going and doing this he’d be absolutely slated! If his wife and employers are happy for him to do this it’s nobody else’s business!

So you’re not blaming her but insulting her. That’s OK then

I would expect MN of all places to realise that a woman with children who were probably aged five and two at the time, with additional needs thrown into the mix and pregnant, is probably not in a strong position to be giving ultimatums and laying down the law.

my children do not have additional needs (as far as I know) and I am (thankfully) not pregnant but even so with children that young life can just be about getting through one day to the next.

I would be interested in statistics on divorce and separation in parents of children under five actually.

More generally, I do think MN massively underestimates what a huge thing it is to break up a family unit.