AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

I’m definitely visiting my friend or family member, not the baby. The baby will grow up to be someone I know and value, but as a newborn, they’re just an aspect of my friend/relative.

I think it’s up to parents who touches their baby. It isn’t a case of reasonable or not. I think that, despite doing things differently myself.

That wasn't my experience. I know when I visit someone who has had a baby, I'm visiting the person who has had the baby. Sorry the people who came to see you suck.

I think it’s the Covid/RSV generation. Even doctors are suggesting no kissing and what have you until baby is good and strong. I automatically keep my distance when visiting a new baby just to not make parents uncomfortable about any kind of exposure.

Where’s the support for women? The mother will have just given birth and she has decided this is how she wants it to be. Respect that.

Supporting someone doesn't always equal accepting their bizarre choices.
If I start making really odd choices in my life, I hope people close to me would talk to me about it.

That’s on the family to feel “hurt”.

what I was getting at is the poster had suggested the baby was coming to harm.

The family members are causing the hurt by allowing their sense of entitlement to take priority over the wishes of the new parents.

The baby is the most important thing, and will have no awareness of who it has or hasn’t met or the experiences it has in the first three months. It will make no difference to them.

The mum is the next important thing, she is recovering from a major health event and hormone change and life event.

Dad is the next most important and any siblings.

Then after all of that is the grandparents and wider family. If the grandparents want to bear a grudge and cause damage that’s entirely on them- it won’t come from baby at all.

They're causing hurt. And potentially damaging their relationship with their family members.

Not letting grandparents even see the baby for four weeks is actively hurtful. And the twelve week thing is simply unnecessary. By then they'll be out and about with the baby and gathering germs wherever they go. Yet they won't let the grandparents sanitise their hands and hold their grandchild.

They sound like the type who won't want a night out. Beyond annoying.

Hooe you get to see the baby soon OP.

They’re not doing any harm though?!

you’re being incredibly nasty calling them stupid.

just because they want to do things differently to you doesn’t make them stupid.

@MermaidofRye but it is simply absurd to suggest harm is being done to the baby in keeping it with its parents for the first twelve weeks. Your response to it is also unhinged, in that you would then wait a year to see the baby even if invited, wouldn’t buy a gift etc. Where’s the support for women? The mother will have just given birth and she has decided this is how she wants it to be. Respect that.

It's ridiculous, my parents and family were encouraged by staff to come to SCBU and hold my prem ds. Coats off, hand gel and have a cuddle. My dad used to drive to the hospital in his lunch break as he said he couldn't bear to stay away 🥰

My dad didn't want to see me either in lockdown,he said he couldn't bear just to look at me and not hug me and I understand completely.

Less exposure to babies young kids - less babysitting as teens and bigger gaps between generations and smaller families mean fewer babies in families to be round.

More advice floating round - people selling different parenting philosophies too sell books and products.

More general judgement - from everyone - from older family who had kids when different HCP advice was given and more people claiming if you do something wrong you've damaged the child.

TBH it's not surpsing there more anxiety around it all.

I don't want to go back and forth @Whatmade but the fact it is their baby is a point worth considering.

Most people, on this vote at least, seem to think they are being unreasonable/stupid so that does seem to be the common opinion.

Of course, they are entitled to their opinion and if the want to set light to their arses and declare themselves Bright Sparks they can persist with their stupidity.

However, as you point out, their stupid opinions will one day have an effect on their baby-maybe even now because, as several informed posters point out, they could already be having a negative effect on the baby's immune system. I hope not but as the child grows, what chance will it have with two ill informed odd balls such as these.

A baby is not a possession and if you are doing something stupid that could harm that baby, they should not be handled with kid gloves but spoked to in a direct manner.

It's this "It's their baby so they can act according to their own opinions" that has led us to children being brought up in drug infested homes, sent to school hungry and social workers being refused access to them.

of course, this is not the case outlined in the OP but I bring these thongs in to point out to you that it's their baby means fuck all if they are doing harm.

Here, they are not doing harm but they are stupid and the fact that it is their baby does not mean that that stupidity has to be handled with kid gloves.

I'm sorry that you don't agree with that.

Rubbish, and this is what makes new parents nervous. In toddlers and children and adults with normal, healthy and established immune systems this is true. In newborn babies you need to develop a microbiome, train the immune system in appropriate levels of response and build up over time.

Its why mothers are encouraged to breastfeed to pass immunity on, and why doctors don’t just bung in all the childhood vaccines in one go at birth- they system doesn’t yet know what the appropriate levels of response is.

@MermaidofRye in your opinion it’s stupid. Not in their opinion. And it’s their baby.

And they're stupid! Never encourage stupid people by speaking gently to them, it makes them think they are not stupid.

It's a public duty!

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/new-parents-and-newborns-are-visitors-ok

One reason people may be more cautious (caution doesn't automatically mean anxiety) could be just better awareness of things like RSV, sepsis and so on.

Competitive chilledness about germs might be OK for toddlers (cowpats aside) just not for newborns or young infants.

I'm genuinely just puzzled by the level of anxiety of new parents. I don't recall people being this nervous until recently.

"To go back to the famous MN village, new parents used to look to their parents and wider family for advice and help in the early days and months but this has changed immeasurably now. Today's new parents regard themselves as experts from the get-go and seem to think no on knows the correct way to parent but them. Hence years of experience is brushed aside as if it means nothing as the new parents always knows better."

I think new parents do look to family for advice, but it's just not the only source (and never has been).

The new parents are the ones who have to weigh up all the sometimes competing information from different sources, including their own parents, and try to come to some kind of conclusion about the best thing to do.

They are the ones who have to, and get to, make the final decision, yes.

Some gps seem to be frustrated by the fact that their dc won't just skip all that thinking and weighing up of different sources, and just do what they the gp thinks is best in every situation. That's not really sharing advice and help, that's wanting to be in control.

Unless it's actually a matter of life and death then it's surely much better as a gp or older relative to offer advice and help, but without feeling slighted if not every bit is followed? All we can do is throw it out there, we're not automatically right.

Yeah thats OTT. Babies need germ exposure young to get the immunity going.

My grandmother who died at 95, used to say no passing small babies around, and no kissing them. She was right as they can get a virus and end up very ill in hospital, they have no defences

Haven’t RTFT but I think MN is largely to blame for the spread of this phenomenon! Anxiety spreads.

I've seen so many threads on here over the years (in which time I've gone from being a new parent to a parent of adult children) where people are frustrated by parents or ILs not listening and insisting on doing things their way. Don't people remember how frustrating it is as a new parent to have your own parents or ILs rolling their eyes at what you did and insisting or pressuring that their way is better? I'm surprised so many people seem to want to repeat that pattern for their own gc - did they enjoy it being done to them that much??

There never was one single time when everything that was done was right, and there is no single correct way to parent. Having been a parent two or even a few times does not make anyone the expert in how their gc or nieces or nephews should be parented - at most they're just a bit more experienced, but mostly only with their own children, and IME there's an awful lot of poor remembering going on too.

I get the temptation to want to go right to telling people what to do because you're really sure that you've nailed parenting, so if your kids and partners just all do what you're sure is correct parenting then everything will be good. There's no solid basis for thinking this though - some things do change, and will change again, so today's new parents will be no more justified in insisting that their way is right, in 25 years, then today's gps are in insisting that now. Sometimes good things go out of fashion and then come back, or the current advice changes back to be previous advice. It doesn't matter - everyone just does their best with current knowledge.

General advice and support from more experienced parents is great, it's not that it has no value. It can really help and is an essential way for gps to support their dc as parents. But not "they'd better do it my way or I'll sulk and withhold future contact"? If anything is going to damage long-term relationships it's surely that.

Thankfully most gps I think are pretty sensible, and don't assume that only one way of doing things is right, to the extent that new parents should be punished if they deviate (especially when any one individual family may have an individual good reason for doing something), but there seem to be some pretty horrible ones on this thread who do think like that .