AIBU to not want them to drop in randomly to watch trains?

Why can’t you let it go? You’re the one that’s posted 10+ times on this thread.

Apologies @Flatpat for your thread being derailed. Good luck with your friend. It’s difficult when dealing with someone who won’t respect your boundary and they keep popping up despite you telling them multiple times it makes you uncomfortable.

Rail geeks - (looking at you ** !) how much notice do the websites give you that a train like this is going through?

It must be long enough to get to a platform/bridge/wherever, as many go there. This means it's also long enough to message the OP, ask if it's okay and then go to a station, bridge or the OP's flat if she has replied to say yes.

YANBU at all. There will be much better vantage points for viewing/photos than your house, presumably.

i think you need to start saying no when it’s inconvenient, and tell her that you don’t like people dropping in. Good luck!

This isn’t that though. This is, at heart, a thread about an autistic person asking for support about what truly is and isn’t reasonable. She might be the first person in decades to come onto AIBU and really not be sure if she’s unreasonable or not! And she’s had mostly nice reactions but some awful ones. There are two autistic people in this scenario.

OP, I think at heart this is a question of boundaries. You want to keep your friend whom you know is struggling but you can’t cope with unexpected turn-ups. What would work for you? Could you do one a month or one a fortnight with 48 hours or 24 hours notice?

Rail geeks - (looking at you @Letsgodancing !) how much notice do the websites give you that a train like this is going through?

Every AIBU thread must have a contribution from Captain Hindsight under a name change, it’s the rules.

Taken what into consideration? someone can't live in a house near a train station in case they get regular trainspotter drop ins?

That is a new one on me

Your friend should understand that you might not want unexpected visitors, but even if she didn't, you've explained that to her and she persists in showing up without warning. YANBU to more boldly state that you're not comfortable with drop-in visits or even frequent planned visits (if you're not). You are allowed to want your home to yourself most of the time. Her son can still see the trains. They'll just have to do it somewhere else. If she continues to come by at inconvenient times, I wouldn't answer the door to her except by appointment.

She isn't your friend. That's the stark reality of it.

She ignores your requests not to drop in. She ignores your needs. She uses your home for her own comfort and her son's while ignoring your discomfort.

If he wants to watch trains and be sheltered then she can buy a popup shelter and find a place near the tracks. Or she can move to a house where he can see the trains all day.

Stop answering the door if she ignores you after one more, very clear, No.

You don’t have to answer the door!
I don’t answer it if it’s not convenient.

Don’t let them in.
Say you’re expecting guests, have a meeting, you have the flu.
Or just say “ now isn’t a good time for me. Please message ahead of time. “

I think she’s asking for advice on how to deal with an awkward situation. Obviously.

Let it go.

I wish you well op

That sounds insincere to me

Fecking hell. Ok so you’re just on a wind up. Got it.

Your flat sounds like my dream flat!! I love trains!! We could swap flats & you could have the peace & I'd let your friend & DS drop in whenever they wanted! Let me know if you're interested 🤣

You are not being unreasonable to not like people dropping in. She has been unreasonable not to pick up on your clues. I'm not sure his clearly you have said it to her, but it sounds like you need to say it once more very clearly.

Friend, I'm really sorry (one of those social niceties, even when you're not really) but I cannot cope with anyone just dropping in. It makes me very anxious & uncomfortable (or whatever best describes the way you feel). I'm happy/ok with organised visits planned in advance & it's lovely to see you both then.

If she just 'drops in' after that, she's not a friend you need to worry about upsetting! Just turn them away & say you're busy!

Would you like to be someone that enjoys drop in visitors? I used to be when I lived in a nice big house & it was always immaculate. But I now live in a very small place & am disabled so it's not always 'visitor ready' & that makes me not enjoy drop in visitors! When it's in a state where visitors would be welcome no one pops in, they seem drawn to days when it looks like I've been turned over & they've eaten & done their laundry while they were here!!!

Why would you? Presumably either the OP didn’t know the child or didn’t expect the mother to keep dropping in? Was she supposed not to buy it just in case?

To be honest I would have taken this in to consideration when I bought the house x

OP, you're going to need to actually turn her away at the door in order for her to get the message. This will be awful and uncomfortable for all of you (you in particular because it puts you in a position of having to say no to a small child and she WILL try and manipulate you "it's only for a few minutes/we'll miss it now if we have to go to the station from here"), but it's the only way to get her to stop.

I suspect she's not asking in advance because she thinks there's a chance you will say no if you're given the opportunity. You have to show her you can say no and mean it anyway.

You choose a sentence and you repeat it over and over. You do not try to respond to her different lines of attack with different arguments, or answer her questions. You might need to practice in a mirror or with a friend if it helps.

Here's an example script:

"Sorry Mumfriend, you can't come in today. I'm not able to host you and TrainKid."
"Oh it's just for a few minutes! He really wants to see X"
"No, sorry, I can't host you for the train watching today. I'm sure you understand. Thanks."
"But we'll miss it now if we have to go to station! And TrainKid has been looking forward to this all day/week/his life!"
"Aww that's a shame. Can you let me know in advance next time and I'll be able to tell you if it's a good time? I just can't do today."
"Why? What's so important that you can't let us in for 5 minutes?!"
"I can't do today I'm afraid. Send me a text ahead of next time! Thanks!"

Yes x

I didn’t say any drop ins, I just said every now and again and not often. And of course you can say no if it’s not a convenient time x

The problem is the unusual locos arent publically time tabled so if for instance Sir Nigel Gresley (60007) ( based in Crewe) is going to a steam gala at say the West Somerset ( where it is now) it will have to be slotted in to the timetable by Network Rail to interact with the normal timetable. And will basically enter the main line rail network at Crewe and come off at ( presume ) Minehead . This then published 'internally' to the rail network. But not for general public consumption It might not be listed as 60007 either it might have a code that shows who is operating the loco ie driving it down there.

So whilst the knowledge is there you have to have something of an 'in' to get the details. Or the information gets leaked. There are hundreds of groups on Facebook etc dedicated to tracking all sorts of unusual locos from steam to diesel .it can be a bit like bird spotting, so if an unusual unit or train is spotted then a load of spotters will descend in an area. For example one bloke I know regularly flies out to Europe on say a Friday evening, travels to a location in the early hours of Saturday and then is back on an early afternoon flight on the Saturday after seeing a special loco pass by .for about 20 seconds.

Having said all that you need to have a word with your friend and tell her the unannounced visits can't continue. She's probably really pleased that her DC can full fill their obsession and she can have a cup of tea and use the loo in comfort. But that's not your problem esp if she is taking the piss she's obviously got the knowledge.

It never does. Women are expected to give way to boys and men of whatever age. The responsibility for him lies with his mother, not the OP.

At her own emotional cost? Just no.

Why do the interests of an autistic child mean that the OP has to ignore her own comfort? Surely the mother knows that turning up is a risky thing to do as presumably her child will get upset if he can’t look at the trains. She needs to start taking him to the station and not relying on you to ‘be kind’.

OP has already stated she wants to allow two visits a month.