AIBU to not want them to drop in randomly to watch trains?

That would do my head in! Just say you don't want to fall out, but that you don't like it when she just turns up. I think it's quite rude of her to be honest. I'd never dream of doing that to any of my friends, railway line or not! (Not into trains to be fair, I meant the dropping in thing!)

What has she said when you've explained you don't want her stopping by unannounced? It's very rude of her to ignore your wishes. I'd be cautious to say you'll let them twice a month and tying yourself into an agreement you may regret. How often would you otherwise see your friend if it wasn't for her seeing the trains? She shouldn't be treating your house as a viewing platform

My autistic son is train mad (20 now but as a youngster really crazy about them) but I wouldn't treat someone as a drop in just to see the trains. My son would have preferred the station anyway

Why don't they go onto the station platform? Steam trains often pass through our local station, and stop for about 20 minutes to take on water. There are always enthusiasts on the station platforms. Much more fun than watching through a window!

Your house. Your boundaries. Just tell her or don’t answer the door.

Tell them to bog off. They can go and sit in a train station of the kid is so obsessed.

Your “friend” is RUDE op!!’ Rude and using you and not a friend!!! Make it very clear to her that you will not be opening the door if she turns up with no warning - or asking politely if it’s convenient is the normal thing!! - and that you have already told her you don’t want her and her son turning up on your doorstep and she’s being very rude and entitled ignoring you STILL doing it!!!

Women are always expected to 'be kind'. Does my head in.

I think you need to focus on the random drop ins, rather than the reason. It'll become his routine and if you're autistic yourself it'll probably be a bit anxiety inducing.

Tell her you don't want drop ins and she'll have to arrange a time to come. It's a normal expectation of people.

Maybe tell her to look at timetables for special trains and give you advance notice.

What a bizarre message. No need to emotionally blackmail the OP. She isn't rejecting her friend and friend's son. Just looking for some confidence to assert her own boundaries. She has said she's happy to have planned trips for special trains.
The OP just doesn't want unexpected visitors - as an autistic person herself that is something that's hard for her.
OP, YANBU. It's hard, but I would message your friend again and say that you find unplanned visits hard so they should not come unless agreed in advance. The phrase "sorry, that doesn't suit" is going to come in handy in future!

Some of these responses really do smack of ‘woman should put everyone else first, fuck her wants and needs’.

I never said her house was a drop in centre. But it would just be a kind thing to do.

I'm not neurodiverse and I still hate unannounced visitors. And I only like visitors in general if it's planned plenty in advance. I'd hate it if a friend messaged and said 'can I pop round in half an hour' noooo you can pop round thursday at 4 🤷‍♀️

It's her home not a drop in center!

It's an autistic kid and his special interest, and the OP is autistic and that's a huge part of the dilemma because she doesn't like people dropping in unexpectedly.
Autism is explicitly mentioned several times.
My response is how I would handle it.
Some people have suggested OP should allow it because her friends kid is autistic. I'm saying that OP being autistic is perfect reason to tell friend without her being able to talk her round

That is not how normal people live their lives and I seriously doubt you would do this yourself. OP has repeatedly said she feels uncomfortable when people randomly visit so why aren't you listening to her instead of telling her to suck it up?

Can’t you just let your friend and her DS watch the train whilst you carry on with whatever you were already doing?

Obviously if you are going out or working then that’s not an option so if that’s the case then just tell them it’s not a convenient time but other than that can’t you just let them watch the train whilst you carry on with whatever you were already doing?

Because the OP is autistic and that is contributing to her discomfort about these people dropping in without notice.

What does autism have anything to do with it?

Op your friend isn’t getting the message (or is choosing not to) so I would be much more explicit. It really helps you are in a flat and she needs to be buzzed in. ‘Friend, as I’ve said before I enjoy your visits but I really don’t like unexpected guests. It’s just the way I am. It is stressful for me. I want to see you, of course I do, but you must give me warning.’ Then, the next time she comes unannounced I’d tell her down the speaker phone (or go down to the entrance if no ability to converse) and say sorry but no, it’s not convenient. Would she like to come over this evening / tomorrow (whenever is convenient) instead? Or offer to go to her. Obviously she will say that’s no good ‘cause it’s about the train. You might want to give her one more chance then - literally let her come up, stand at the window and watch the train go by, then leave - no cup of tea, no hospitality (you might even prepare a task to be conveniently ‘in the middle of’ in advance and carry on with it and ignore her till she is finished). If she has the cheek to do it again after that then there is no hope. Stand your ground and say no, you have been clear. It’s not convenient for you, she must let you know in advance.

It sounds to me that you are a lovely kind person who is trying her best to help a friend and her autistic son.
You are doing the best that you can, and being more than reasonable. Your friend is very lucky.

I would play the autism card tbh.
Tell her that you do actually want to be able to have her and her son over to watch the trains sometimes, but you are finding yourself getting really stressed out and overwhelmed with the unplanned drop-ins. That you want her to give you notice and for visits to be preplanned. Tell her that it's an autism thing and that it's not personal

I agree 100%. It’s disingenuous to accuse the OP of autism bashing when it is the opposite - she is someone with autism who is asking for help with a situation that happens to be more of a dilemma because one of the other people is an autistic child.

It’s odd to accuse someone of being ableist when they are asking for help because of their condition.

Why? They can watch from the station platform with the other train enthusiasts.

So OP does need the thread. No need to police what she posts.