One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

It seems very weird to me — our wedding was the sort I love, a big party for family and friends, and we wouldn’t have thought of banning children.

But I wouldn’t pull DD9 out. That would be cruel, now that she’s all excited about it. That would really hurt her and possibly make her resent DD6.

Could one of you/DH attend the wedding, while the other takes DD6 out as a special treat to something she enjoys?

Ps i think it’s incredibly bad manners what the bride and groom have done but it would also be unfair to pull out of the wedding - unfair on your older daughter, not on the bride and groom!

Seriously? My daughter would have been devastated at that age to be left out while the rest of us got dressed up and went to a big event.

It just don't go

My own kids weren't at my wedding

Why don’t you white lie to the younger girl, say just daddy and her sister have been invited but we’ll get dressed up nice and have a special day together. You could put on nice dresses and go out somewhere for a lovely lunch or something. She doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of it but you could make her feel special too.

Most people would naturally assume that the rest of the family would be there if one child was a bridesmaid.

That is truly horrible and unkind.
if your 9yr old is really excited about it there’s nothing you can do apart from not going and having a special day out with your 6yr old

id find it hard not to let godparent know how surprised you were that she’s not even invited. So insensitive not to even give her a little role like sprinkling confetti or something

If you went to the wedding without your six year old, would it be a day trip or overnight or longer? Do you have grandparents or other close relatives who could give the youngest a lovely day? I think my approach would depend on the answer to those questions.

That wasn’t a ‘pop’. I was simply responding to what you said, that you wouldn’t have agreed to one child being a flower girl if her sibling wasn’t invited, as is obviously your right. The OP should have checked when she was asked if her older child could be a flower girl, especially as she’d been ‘very very upset’ when a previous family wedding had the same ‘childfree apart from flower girls/pageboys’ policy.

OK if you've got free babysitting on tap. For us it was pay over £100 for a day nanny or not be able to go. Neither option was anything we were "delighted" about.

I'm a bit lost by this attitude that weddings always involve children. I've been to loads of child-free weddings.

Completely horrible. Sorry. I cannot fathom the thought processes behind such rules and behaviours. I really cannot. I am lost for words.

A wedding with no children. Or only one invited and not the other ?

People have become very strange.

I’d send your DH and 9yo to the wedding and do something else with your 6yo. If your absence is noted, just say the childcare for 6yo fell through or the 6yo was under the weather or whatever. Alternatively you go with 9yo and DH do something with 6yo.

My dc are young adults. They are close in age and I always made an effort for them to do stuff together and not to do something where one would need to miss out. The 9yo’s godfather has been a bit thoughtless IMO. Let the 9yo enjoy it and compensate the 6yo with an alternative day.

It not for everyone but I would of been ok with this when my children were that age. My eldest at 9yrs would of been beautifully behaved and would of done an amazing job, my youngest at 6yrs would of been an absolute pain and would really of struggled to sit through it. The one wedding I took him to at that age he complained that he was bored and that there was noone to play with etc

Yes child-free really isn't that unusual OP.

It is your 9 year old that is the exception here, not the 6 year old.

Every wedding we’ve been to over the last few years has been child-free. Much better imo.

Even when our children were small, we were delighted if we were invited to weddings that were child-free.

@asdbaybeeee
'Child free weddings - fine
only immediate family members children- fine
leaving out one child from a family - not fine'

Couldn't agree more.

It's wild to think inviting a whole family and expecting them to leave one 6 year old behind while her sister goes is perfectly reasonable because 'it's their day' or whatever.
Having the wedding you want doesn't give you carte blanche to act like a dick and everyone has to go along with it. There's no way I would attend a wedding where one member of my family of 4 was excluded. Child free isn't the issue, exclusion of one family member is, she's still a person who'll be hurt and confused by this!

We had flower girls/page boys who were close family because we love them and wanted them to be part of it, but with this attitude it seems to me that OPs 9yo is just a pretty prop for photos. 6yo isn't convenient so she can bugger off.

Don't do this OP, absolutely insane behaviour.

2 years ago your brother got married. His wife chose her nieces to be in her bridal party. That’s her side and absolutely nothing to do with you, get over it.

Now your 9yo’s godfather has asked her to be in his wedding. Is the 6yo also his god daughter? If not I think it’s entirely normal to only have god kids in the weddings.

Both weddings were both child free except the bridal party, also entirely normal.

if you now don’t want to go, don’t. It’s an invite, simply politely decline. But don’t get all sulky about it or snarky about wedding culture. There’s plenty of reasonable reasons for this including price, behaviour, venue headcount etc. You need to stop holding onto so much upset and resentment.

I agree with this very much.

I also understand why it's too late to keep your older daughter out of the wedding.

The whole thing is ugly, but no you are not naive, OP, to assume both girls would be invited. Anyone would assume that. Selfishness and lack of consideration on this scale don't bode well for the marriage.

Honestly your being dramatic saying you won't go as your not leaving her with anyone. Set up a great day with her with a babysitter or grandparent and she will LOVE the one of one special day. Also don't deprive your 9yr old of this. It really is just one day

I think this too: it is because she is the Godchild she has been chosen.

I do think weddings have become a bit bridesilla-ry in recent years, but, that said, child-free isn't so totally unusual, and I think 6 is old enough to leave with a friend/babysitter for the day and choose another treat just for her on a different day so she doesn't feel she completely missed out.

There is also an age gap between 9 and 6. Friends recently took their family to Disneyland and the youngest (about 5 or 6) couldn't go on some of the rides because they were not old enough. No drama. They just explained and let the youngest choose some other activities.

Weddings generally have become a bit of a PITA and some of that is down to Bridezilla couples but some is also down to the guests feeling they have a "right" to kick up over their invitation. The root of the problem is the wedding industry has blown them into bigger affairs than people can comfortably afford.

I am generally of the opinion that the bride and groom decide whats happening at their wedding its entirely their preogative to decide all details of their wedding.
Having said that i can understand your feelings about your younger daughter not being invited (although it appears not to be personal ).
I also think whatever you decide to do now is your prerogative to decide.
I work on the premise that if someone is thick skinned enough to not understand how their choices may affect others they are thick skinned enough to cope with your reasonable response.
I fit were me ,i think id allow your elder DD to be a bridesmaid and your DH attend the wedding. I'd decline saying you hope they have a wonderful day .
Id then plan something really special for you and your younger DD (a great learning experience for her, in that sometimes in life you arent invited to things and other family members are, its not a reflection on you. How you deal with it is with grace and living your best life..... if there is something special your younger DD has always wanted to do or experience ,now is the time....
I was your younger DD once and my mum took me to London for the day,we saw the sights and went to the theatre ,its one of my favourite memories and it taught me when you are left out in any situation make your own entertainment.

So the 9 year old resents her sister as the reason she's missing out. Nice one

It's not the younger ones godparent though is it

I'm not sure why people consider siblings as a group rather than 2 individuals