One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

My SIL did this 35 years ago and I was aghast. She wondered why two of her SIL's didn't attend the wedding...er they had to stay home to look after the child she didn't invite

Then we would have gone with the eldest and the youngest would have had one on one time with her grandparents 💁🏻. It’s really no big deal. With a nearly 3 year age gap and separate interests they often did things individually with us or their grandparents or friends etc.

It’s not too late to pull her out, promise them something special that weekend.

By "write" I really meant email.

Of course they could do it over the phone or face to face if they wanted to, but in such situations I find it’s often better to give the other people a chance to really think about and discuss the issue before replying, or you run the risk of just getting an automatic off-the-cuff, shut-down answer.

You call it "formal", I call it "polite", especially when it sounds as if OP isn't actually particularly close to the bride or groom.

North, then Wales, but the weddings were all over the country. That said, I haven't been to a wedding for 20 years, so no social media were involved in any of the good number I've been to. I really do think this is where the difference lies. All the weddings of family and friends I've been to over the years were personal celebrations, not curated for the public gaze.

Is it just me but don't understand the OP. Your older DD9 godfather was already married when she was born? That's your suggested reason to explain to your younger DD6? But DD9 is being a flowergirl at his wedding ? If he's marrying again surely both DDs are equal in terms of being around when he gets married.

I know right. I mean, if the older girl is 9 years old, and the younger one 18 months old, then yeah, fine, that's OK, just invite the older one... But 9 years old and 6 years old. Just no. The younger one is old enough to know she is being left out.

This totally.

I think child free weddings ( apart from the wedding party) are absolutely fine and nothing wrong with your brothers decision but splitting families is a bit odd . What do they expect you to tell her ?
I suppose at this stage you could either stay at home with DD2 while DH goes with DD1 or ask DGP or other family member to take DD2 somewhere special on the day .

Why would they write to them and so formally??? 😅 if they really wanted to bring it up, could they not just say that over the phone or face-to-face?

a very very very good lesson for siblings to learn is that they don't always get what the other one gets, especially when it comes from outside the family. That they can do things separately, and that it is not the end of the world if one gets to do something the other doesn't.

The easy answer is to find something the younger daughter can do with another family member, surely?

Problem is the assumption.

Op you just assumed your younger child was invited full stop despite knowing that lots of weddings due to your prior disappointment, are bridal party only.

In your shoes with your prior issues with wedding invites I’m surprised you didn’t clarify at the time.

You’ve assumed made a big fuss of it to your six so she didn’t feel bad about not being a bridesmaid and now to find out you assumed wrong.

And you know what they say about it assume.

I think it sad that the six year old has not been invited. Very sad indeed.

Years ago it would not be considered normal at all.

YANBU, no way would I have one daughter as a bridesmaid and the other one not. I would not be allowing it to happen. It's such a mean thing to do. Leaving one little girl out. And she is not even invited to the wedding. That is immeasurably cruel and mean. I don't know one single parent who would let this happen. You need to say no @Notmotherofflowergirls Your older daughter will NOT be bridesmaid, and tell them why.

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I imagine it might just be thoughtlessness. The bride and groom haven’t thought it through. Could you write to them?

"Dear Mary and John, DD1 is very excited about being your bridesmaid in June and naturally wants to talk about it quite a lot. Unfortunately we have now realised that DD2 is not allowed to come to the wedding. As she is only 6 it is very hard for her to understand why all her family would be there, with her sister in a "starring role", but she herself would not be allowed to go at all.

I appreciate that it is absolutely your choice if you want a child-free wedding, but please could you confirm that this applies to the siblings of the bridesmaids / page boys? If so, I’m afraid I will regretfully not be able to come myself as we do not have anyone suitable with whom to leave DD2. Please understand that I am not trying to be difficult, just wanting to get it straight!

Many thanks,
Notmotherofflowergirls"

(But they’ll probably hate you, so your DH might not want this sent!)

What an awkward situation, this should have been made clearer months ago. One parent goes to the wedding and the other takes dd2 on a day out. That would be my preference anyway.

I was a flower girl when I was 7 and it was one of the most memorable experiences of my childhood. Amazing day - walking down the aisle with the bride (I still remember seeing the groom's mother crying!) and the big party.That is just my experience though.

Honestly I dont see the issue. I think it's nice he included his goddaughter. Bit awkward thet you initially thought the 6 year old was invited but then she wasnt but it is what it is. I'm the youngest, was often left out of events that my older siblings were invited to. It never bothered me. We were at a wedding last year that our daughter was flowergirl for and we didn't bring our son, never batted an eyelid over it.

Usually I have no problem with child-free weddings, but this is just rude. They want your oldest daughter for cute photos don't they? I'm with you 100%, none of my family would go either.

Are you north or south? I'm just trying to understand the difference, because I would say a goodly proportion of weddings I have been to were child-free. Maybe not more, but definitely lots.

And it’s never too late to pull out, it’s their fault for being ridiculous.

We allowed anyone with kids to bring them to our wedding, we also picked up the entire costs including drinks plus said no gifts at all - book the venue you can actually afford, my wedding (2024) cost £6k all in including the church, proper dress etc.

Whereas I have never once been to such a wedding, thankfully.

That I can agree with!

For me it woukd be both or neither. That's outrageous. The age gap is too close to justify leaving one out.

I woukdnt go and neither would any of my immediate family.

Yes I would of asked my parents to do something similar and did for certain events. I think it's fine.

They are letting their Goddaughter play a special role, because they have a special connection. Sometimes this is nieces or nephews or similar. But it isn't as if they are hiring unknown children to wear an outfit.