HOW are some of you doing it? (Raising kids AND thriving)

There are only so many hours in the day. You have to choose what matters.

You cannot work FT with a demanding career AND be a present parent who taxis around to activities (wait, til you get to the 9pm pick up from sports practice years!) and be active and have a social life and cook every meal from scratch and see family and have sex 3 times a week (wait also for the years when kids are awake later than you just on the other side of a not very soundproof wall) and still get enough sleep, plus keep a spotless house.

There aren’t that many hours in the day.

You have to choose what matters. You can have a big career with a Dh who takes a bit of a slower pace, does the school runs and the activities. You can be clever about cooking - I only really cook a few times a week, but it’s all from scratch and we use leftovers in creative ways. You can be senior enough to be flexible so you can take an hour for a run and do emails in the evening. You can hire a cleaner for more hours.

I’ve personally put career on hold (well, it put me on hold because I got cancer!), but when I go back it will be self employed and part-time but o should earn about similar to my FT salary. The house is liveable. Dh also doesn’t work FT as we have a business that takes care of itself. We are both active and look after our wellbeing. We are present for family life, no childcare needed (ours are primary and secondary), we do all the driving around between us. They’re old enough now that we can work out while they are at activities when there is a big enough gap. We have full control over our diaries so can also plan in a cycle or a hike during the day. We see friends if we want (not often as not really a priority) and also family every few months (also not a priority, but not local). Sex life on hold because of my health, but would be possible if we made time in other hours. We get plenty of sleep. I’m in bed for 9:30pm most nights and wake at 7am.

It is possible, if you choose what actually matters and what you can let slide, and if you build careers for maximum flexibility and family as a priority.

OP, kindly, for your sanity you need to lower your expectations a bit. This isn’t forever. You need to look at your priorities, is it really worth feeling like a failure because your kitchen isn’t spotless? If you have a cleaner 6 hours a week I’m sure your house is fine.

Your baby is this age once, they will need you less and less the older they get, you won’t be reflecting on this time thinking “I was so good at keeping the house tidy!” you’ll be asking yourself how much time you spent with your child, how present you were for them. Focus on that, the other stuff will get easier as time goes on.

You have to lower your standards especially on the early days
you have less time and energy - so “high” standards in cleaning and cooking from scratch every day are impossible to maintain (especially on broken sleep )
just stop
is your baby clean and fed
then you’re doing well
Nothing will happen if your house isn’t spotless or your dinner is beans on toast - high proteins and fibre

“but I don’t want an average or shit life. I want a good life. ”

it depends on what you mean by the above?
I think it’s important to prioritise. For example, for me cooking a healthy meal for my family is non negotiable, so if the house needs to be a bit untidy so be it! I don’t consider my life shit because of it.

Tbh lower your expectations.

I think you just have to expect way less at this stage. Not in general but right now. Your baby is one, that’s very young, I would say by two I was back to having all the things you mention, then of course I had another and now he is two I again feel like I’m getting the balance back. They are still very high needs at this age and that improves with time

No op you are NOT a failure and you CAN do all of the things you want to, but I personally could never do them all at the same time!

For example, my house is only getting back to an organised uncluttered state now my adult dc have left home and I have retired!

Before that, the kitchen and bathrooms were very clean and the downstairs was tidy and that was it!

What your child needs most to thrive is a calm, relaxed, happy mother, not an exhausted, anxious one!

I’m worried by your references to the high standards of your dh op. You don’t need to live up to his arbitrary expectations nor do you need his permission to set your own more realistic standards either. If he is expecting to carry on exactly the same as before you had a baby then he is being a tad unreasonable!

The expectations on women now are wild and never-ending. You can drop a few balls here and there op! I am sure other will be along to tell you the same. Until your child sleeps through the night, many things will be a struggle. You need to get through it the best you can and ask for more help if you need it. Take care 💐

I’m finding it hard enough with a demanding career, very busy husband, a sports team, my running and 4 young kids. We’re all ‘thriving’ but it’s hard. I’ve a cleaner for 4 hrs.