HOW are some of you doing it? (Raising kids AND thriving)

Oh I take back my previous comment about your perception of a good life being how you see it. Well I stand by the comment, but of course you don’t feel you have a good life when you have a DH that does barely anything to help yet thinks he has the right to dictate how the house is tidied. How dare he! I think to answer your OP in light of this new info - women thrive when they get rid of useless arseholes like him.

LEAVE THE PRICK

Oh and I’m also very good at killing two birds with one stone. So I never meet a friend in a cafe, for example. I always meet my friends for a hike/cycle/swim. So I’m ticking the social box and the exercise box at the same time.

OP your update makes me sad because it's your DH that is the failure here, not you. You shouldn't feel like this at all!

I think you need to sit down and rewrite the "house rules". Why does whoever cooks need to tidy up? You don't sound untidy to me, you sound like someone who just has different priorities than instantly cleaning everything up (I'm the same).

Your comment about him thinking everything should be a struggle... I can't see how he's struggling because he doesn't have to compromise on anything currently.

Honestly my set up wouldn't work without a supportive husband.

Life is very different now to pre-DC.

But I’m still fit, exercise most days, have a good job, have friends, reply to messages, (mostly) cook fresh food. House is nice & tidy etc

How I do it:

• just have one child
• Work from home
• be ruthlessly organised
• choose exercise over watching telly etc
• time management- eg go for 5km run while DC at gymnastics while most other parents sit & scroll phones. Run the school runs etc

DH works long hours. No cleaner/gardener etc.

So as it so often is this is a marriage issue, not a you issue, not a motherhood issue, not a career issue. It’s him. So don’t try and fix anything else, the marriage needs to be the focus. That doesn’t have to mean divorce, but it does mean a conversation needs to happen and a compromise sought. He can’t have high standards and not support you in meeting them, it’s ludicrous you could outsource the problem and he won’t consider it.

You need to break this down to him.

Your partner is completely unreasonable, it is his expectations that are the problem and not you. You need to have a frank discussion with him about how he is making you feel. The rule about cooking and tidying is completely unreasonable. Honestly I don’t know how you live with him!

If you're out of the house a lot it does not have time to get messy. I am a big believer in quick and easy meals with minimal washing up! Also people have to be prepared to eat weird combinations when I have forgotten to do the online shop.

When I am organised I make soup for my lunches every day. No breakfast, soup for lunch, takes all the thinking out of it. Only works if you're happy to eat the same thing every day.

Ah well. Following your latest update then your shit life is thanks to your DH entirely.

He's a cock. He doesn't get to make the rules. He steps up or he fucks off frankly.

Why are you saying you used to have a career?

Why is all about your husband?

”My husband has high standards”

”My husband doesn't really like…”

Do you get a say in anything? If you want a nanny and can afford it, then get one!

This is a good answer OP.

I have a high pressure (full time) career and consider myself to be "thriving" on the outside to people looking in but in truth there is a lot of compromising going on, we have a cleaner for 2 hours per week. We have one DD age 6. I used to feel like you did, and I genuinely think the only difference now is that DD is older and able to help more/play independently.

My non-negotiables:
A dog walk on my own every day
Cooking from scratch every day
The house is generally tidy before bedtime each night
I get to sit down and do whatever I want after bedtime (no chores) as I desperately need the time to unwind

My DH non-negotiables:
Cooking from scratch every day
Time to exercise (in training for a marathon)

We work as a team to achieve this and some weeks require more compromise than others, for example because Cooking from scratch is something we're noth passionate about one of us will cook while the other spends time with DD or does a few chores
This week I've really felt on it, coming into the weekend my washing pile was low so I could focus on other things today (gardening, which i enjoy, with DD and DH), tomorrow my DH will get to go for a long run while I spend time with DD with no chores. On the other hand last weekend I had gone out one evening with my friends so the weekend was spent catching up on chores to set us up for the week ahead.

Essentially I guess we have a carefully crafted routine to keep us on track and give us time for the things that we enjoy but I still think you are in the weeds in terms of your child's age. My top tip would be to get a huge toy chest or similar so that before bed you can do a quick sweep (with your child when old enough) and literally throw everything out of sight (we had our kitchen done last year and dedicating a space to 'random pieces of artwork' was honestly such a game changer for my mental health in terms of being able to sweep all those random bits of paper with a scribble on that are considered priceless artifacts to a 6 year old into). I shudder now at the memory of myself rebuilding a duplo Minnie mouse house every night because I had this 'aesthetic' open play structure thing in my living room.

’A good life’ comes from your mind. You can have amazing conditions but if you don’t know how to be content, you won’t enjoy what you have. Equally you can have very little and feel you have a good life. We all struggle sometimes, or with different things more than others, that’s part of life. Some weeks I cook everything from scratch and manage to keep on top of the house, other weeks I manage lots of gym and the house is less great. I think the answer you need is about you and how you look at things, not someone who claims to have everything perfect to give you their top tips.

Personally I would make a tactical decision to lower housework standards, OR get a housekeeper if that is in your budget.

I get what you mean - I get up at 0530 to go to the gym, work FT in a demanding job, but also put the kids to bed and make sure they have homebaked things as I try to limit UPFs.

When they were babies like yours, I remember staying up till 1 or 2am making food from scratch, freezing it in tiny portions, then crashing into bed only to get up at 6am and go do my head of dept job.

God it was knackering.

I frankly just let the house go a bit.

Also as my career has progressed, these days DH has stopped work which really eases things.

But I think you also have to accept that if you want to be fit, and eat well, and hold down a big job, and make sure your kids have freshly made food and lots of activities... you will just have less time than others - I never sit watching tv for example - and you may need to de-prioritise something.

I work full time with one teenage child, I’m exhausted.

When DD was small I worked part time and it worked really well. Had time.

2021 I was made redundant and have ended up in a full time job. I love my job. I workout 3 nights a week, currently my house has a pile of laundry in the middle of the living room floor as I’ve been out with DD from 2.30pm to 8.15pm supporting her hobby. At least your DH does housework, bringing in said washing from the line and dumping it in the living room is the most housework DH has done since Christmas.

I agree with this. We have always done a quick tidy while the other parent does the bedtime routine so the dishwasher is always filled and run, kitchen counters wiped and the "adult" space has any toys away in a big bin or a box or something. Your house will not be at the standard it was before children for more than an hour at a time - unless all three of you are out. That's not a "shit" life.

Also - the stuff everywhere isn't just the baby and toddler stage. DS is nearly 8 and he still has cars, and Hot Wheels structures, Lego, drawing stuff, football kit, earphones/tablet etc that need a place.

Are you working currently? The OP isn't clear.

Lower standards in the housework department. It's not essential.

I worked in a professional career full time, DC went to a lovely childminder after school, had a cleaner once a week and I cooked home cooked meals cos I like my food and I hate ready meals/take aways.

I didn't manage to get to the gym several times a week (either before or after kids) and I didn't care if the house was pretty untidy. I don't feel the need to conform to what other people think is 'successful' so if DH has hugely high standards re the tidyness of the house he would need to step up and take over entirely in that department.

You can't do it all without being too knackered for sex, frankly. Drop the tidying at least.

You do not need to be perfect to have a good life. This is a busy season of life, you can’t add a baby in and still do everything exactly the same as it was before, there aren’t enough hours in the day. I think you can achieve most of it you have a full time nanny/housekeeper though but not all if you want to be an engaged mother.

Most people with ‘high standards’ understands that experts are experts- especially when it comes to household and other menial tasks. I would your husband what his aversion to having a chef and/or a housekeeper is…. unless he’s just bitter that he cant afford staff. If you can, even more baffling. If you work, there are only so many hours in a day so you are setting yourself up to fail trying to manage child, house, cooking and work.

For reference both me and DH are law firm partners with 2 children. We have a full time housekeeper, additional cleaner for 5 hours per week and a chef (preps all of our meals at the weekend for the week ahead) PLUS after school nanny to do school pick up.

One is very young - once they are primary age they dress themselves and take themselves to the bathroom etc, so you can get on with things around them.

My standards ARE lower - I’m doing less exercise because I’m spending more time with DS in the evenings instead of going to the gym or seeing friends (I do see them all but once a month not a couple of times a week). I am successful at work, I have prioritised that. House isn’t much different in terms of tidiness.

There just aren’t enough hours in the day though to do literally everything you were doing pre-kids, and also spend a decent amount of time with your kids as well. The years go quickly, I’ll have my evenings back in 6 years’ time which seems painfully soon!

Im a single parent to two kids and I cook from scratch most of the time. I think that the secret to this not taking forever is to have a decent sized freezer.

A couple of nights a week I cook a decent amount of a really nice curry/veggie chilli/bolognaise etc and freeze in the right portions.

A couple of nights a week we defrost something homemade from the freezer.

A couple of nights a week we have something quick and easy.

Most weekends we eat at least one meal out.