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Original poster

HOW are some of you doing it? (Raising kids AND thriving)

159 replies

notaurewhatusername · 02/05/2026 20:23

Before having a child I had a successful full on career, I’m very into health and fitness so I cook from scratch every day meal prep lunch and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. DH has very high standards when it comes to keeping the house tidy so I invest a lot of time in that (he does pull his weight probably does more housework than me) and our house needs a lot of maintenance too. We already have a cleaner six hours a week! But it’s the cleaning after every meal, clothes everywhere, toys, I’m exhausted. Am I just a complete failure?

Is it just the case that if you want children you are obligated to let everything else go in order to see them thrive and that anything outside of this is selfish or ungrateful? Or is there actually a way to balance all (or most) of this — still excelling in your career, still cooking from scratch, still keeping the house tidy, still keeping your fitness up, still replying to people’s texts, seeing friends and family and keeping your sex life.

I don’t mean this to sound spoiled or ungrateful — but I don’t want an average or shit life. I want a good life. That’s what I’m trying to achieve and is what drove me to build a successful career before kids. So I really don’t need the advice of “when you have a baby you have to stop doing these things.” I’m asking if there is a way I can still do most of these things and feel happy and content because right now I don’t and I don’t think I should have to accept that. Someone out there must be doing it? If that’s you, please tell me how.

Also — I have ONE child (1 yo). I have no idea how people with multiple children do it because the people I see truly excelling are raising two, three plus kids. HOW? Is hiring help the only answer? We already have a cleaner and are financially comfortable but my husband doesn’t really like outsourcing and has high standards so it’s not always straightforward.

I’m not really looking to hear from people who are also struggling, not in a rude way and please do comment if you relate, but mainly I want to hear from people who are genuinely managing this.

Do you have a nanny? Really supportive family? Does your partner do more of the childcare? What does your setup actually look like?

OP posts:
CinnamonJellyBeans · 02/05/2026 22:09

You have a DH problem. This was apparent from your first post and has been confirmed by your updates.

He is controlling you.

You need to tell your mum, or a female member of the family, or get some outside support.

IndieRocknRoll · 02/05/2026 22:08

Well do your really want honest answers or not?! I’m not sure what you’re looking for in your OP. You only want answers from perfect people with perfect lives? Well they probably don’t exist!

Bumblebeeforever · 02/05/2026 22:07

A cleaner for 6 hours a week?? How much does that cost? I probably don’t do 6 hours cleaning in a month and didn’t before children either!

ToRideOrNotToRide · 02/05/2026 22:06

DC has fairly late bedtime too it doesn’t help. Bedtime is 8.30pm on average

Bedtime here was always 7pm strict until DC was 7/8. Now she’s allowed to stay up a bit later weekends but still in bed 7.30 school days . Having my evening was key.

EverydayRoutine · 02/05/2026 22:06

FormerCautiousLurker · 02/05/2026 22:03

Just keep telling yourself ‘This, too, shall pass’.

Because it will. It’s a moment in your life as a mother. It feels shit now, but suddenly in a few weeks/months they will sleep through from 10-7am and you will be euphoric in your achievement.

There will be other blips (finding them behind the sofa you once loved covered in sudacrem, having smeared it all over the walls, the carpet, the sofa itself, in a poop filled nappy and spending the next 3 hours on 111 ascertaining whether the zinc content is toxic, may be one), and many many highs. The highs get you through.

Deep breath, reach out to Dm/DMiLs/friends, and say to yourself again: this, too, shall pass.

You’ll be fine. You are enough, in fact, you are amazing.

Edited

I very much doubt that "this too shall pass" for the OP if she stays with her controlling, rigid husband.

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 02/05/2026 22:04

babyproblems · 02/05/2026 22:01

Omg @notaurewhatusername i could’ve written this!! You’ve read my mind.
I also have only one ds and honestly don’t know how other women do it with 2 or 3. When people tell me they’re expecting another of course I smile and congratulate them but I honestly just don’t see how they manage. I think I also have very high standards in other parts of life and there is no way I would be able to upkeep that AND more kids. I think many people let a lot of things go... in my case parenting one child, a business, my health/fitness, two dogs, a clean and organised house, home cooking, maintaining a good financials / investments, a few home renovation projects- this takes all my time. I literally have no more time in life to take on anything else! You’re not a failure. Xx

Having no dogs helps. 2 dogs are almost as much work as 2 more kids 😉

FormerCautiousLurker · 02/05/2026 22:03

Just keep telling yourself ‘This, too, shall pass’.

Because it will. It’s a moment in your life as a mother. It feels shit now, but suddenly in a few weeks/months they will sleep through from 10-7am and you will be euphoric in your achievement.

There will be other blips (finding them behind the sofa you once loved covered in sudacrem, having smeared it all over the walls, the carpet, the sofa itself, in a poop filled nappy and spending the next 3 hours on 111 ascertaining whether the zinc content is toxic, may be one), and many many highs. The highs get you through.

Deep breath, reach out to Dm/DMiLs/friends, and say to yourself again: this, too, shall pass.

You’ll be fine. You are enough, in fact, you are amazing.

EverydayRoutine · 02/05/2026 22:02

notaurewhatusername · 02/05/2026 21:52

@EverydayRoutinehe doesn’t control the money but we have a rule if the other veto something then we aren’t doing it.

he used to do joint things without even asking me and I put a stop to it and he listens now, he won’t make joint financial decisions either in the main without my consent. But he has a good way of railroading me and I’m also more laid back about money.

for example, we spent 20k on a new patio which I didn’t think we needed he just wanted it to look nicer. Maybe out of spite I should have said no but often my financial needs or wants are not taken seriously.

we have a third car which he insisting keeping. We don’t need it and it costs us a lot of money but I agree because I don’t really care. So do I need to start being more spiteful?

Well, I'd revisit that agreement if I were you. It's obviously mainly for his benefit, as he gets his way (the expensive patio, the unnecessary third car) since you are more laid back about money, but your suggestions are met with a flat no. For one partner to veto every financial decision that the other one proposes is really not an equal partnership. Has he ever changed his mind when you suggested paying for something that he initially didn't want? Or does he only permit supposedly "joint" decisions if he wants them to happen anyway?

babyproblems · 02/05/2026 22:01

Omg @notaurewhatusername i could’ve written this!! You’ve read my mind.
I also have only one ds and honestly don’t know how other women do it with 2 or 3. When people tell me they’re expecting another of course I smile and congratulate them but I honestly just don’t see how they manage. I think I also have very high standards in other parts of life and there is no way I would be able to upkeep that AND more kids. I think many people let a lot of things go... in my case parenting one child, a business, my health/fitness, two dogs, a clean and organised house, home cooking, maintaining a good financials / investments, a few home renovation projects- this takes all my time. I literally have no more time in life to take on anything else! You’re not a failure. Xx

Ghht · 02/05/2026 21:59

You can strive so hard to ‘not have a shit life’ that you become task focused and you forget to have a good life.

midsummabreak · 02/05/2026 21:57

He’s always right isn’t he?

Original poster
notaurewhatusername · 02/05/2026 21:54

@gdyuttrrrrtold him everyone uses one and that HE is being ridiculous. I even had to use out cleaner as example. She cleans for a living and says she uses it even for one pot!

He doesn’t criticise anymore but he spent a lot of time doing so in the beginning which I find really really weird. Who would slate someone for such a basic appliance?

he says it takes just as much time to load and unload hence it’s silly and if I use it I need to ensure I unload it. He will never unload, ever. He won’t touch it.

OP posts:
Narwhalsh · 02/05/2026 21:53

@notaurewhatusername yeah the dishwasher thing is very weird. Does he mind that you use a washing machine and aren’t hand washing everything as well?! Literally the point of these appliances is to free up our time to do other things

BudgetBuster · 02/05/2026 21:53

he will eventually want to leave me. What’s the solution?

You ask him does he need help packing his bag amd wave him off 👋 Nobody needs a condescending prick in their lives

Newmumatlast · 02/05/2026 21:53

notaurewhatusername · 02/05/2026 20:23

Before having a child I had a successful full on career, I’m very into health and fitness so I cook from scratch every day meal prep lunch and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. DH has very high standards when it comes to keeping the house tidy so I invest a lot of time in that (he does pull his weight probably does more housework than me) and our house needs a lot of maintenance too. We already have a cleaner six hours a week! But it’s the cleaning after every meal, clothes everywhere, toys, I’m exhausted. Am I just a complete failure?

Is it just the case that if you want children you are obligated to let everything else go in order to see them thrive and that anything outside of this is selfish or ungrateful? Or is there actually a way to balance all (or most) of this — still excelling in your career, still cooking from scratch, still keeping the house tidy, still keeping your fitness up, still replying to people’s texts, seeing friends and family and keeping your sex life.

I don’t mean this to sound spoiled or ungrateful — but I don’t want an average or shit life. I want a good life. That’s what I’m trying to achieve and is what drove me to build a successful career before kids. So I really don’t need the advice of “when you have a baby you have to stop doing these things.” I’m asking if there is a way I can still do most of these things and feel happy and content because right now I don’t and I don’t think I should have to accept that. Someone out there must be doing it? If that’s you, please tell me how.

Also — I have ONE child (1 yo). I have no idea how people with multiple children do it because the people I see truly excelling are raising two, three plus kids. HOW? Is hiring help the only answer? We already have a cleaner and are financially comfortable but my husband doesn’t really like outsourcing and has high standards so it’s not always straightforward.

I’m not really looking to hear from people who are also struggling, not in a rude way and please do comment if you relate, but mainly I want to hear from people who are genuinely managing this.

Do you have a nanny? Really supportive family? Does your partner do more of the childcare? What does your setup actually look like?

Honestly, I am managing to still have a lucrative professional career though perhaps not full pelt, and am a very hands on mum, but achieve that by barely going to the gym or doing things for myself. My plan is to pick up on myself again when they're secondary age but all energy goes into kids and work

gdyuttrrrr · 02/05/2026 21:52

notaurewhatusername · 02/05/2026 21:48

I even get criticised for using the bloody dishwasher. It’s lazy he says because I’ll use it most nights even for five or six dishes due to exhaustion, He won’t touch the dishwasher. Even when he needs a dish from it he will ask me to empty it because I filled it.

hes very weird in some ways. Very weird. But he isn’t all bad I’m just giving you the worst bits.

I just don’t understand it though, someone criticising a dishwasher? Doesn’t everyone have a dishwasher?

How do you react if he criticises you for using the dishwasher?

Original poster
notaurewhatusername · 02/05/2026 21:52

@EverydayRoutinehe doesn’t control the money but we have a rule if the other veto something then we aren’t doing it.

he used to do joint things without even asking me and I put a stop to it and he listens now, he won’t make joint financial decisions either in the main without my consent. But he has a good way of railroading me and I’m also more laid back about money.

for example, we spent 20k on a new patio which I didn’t think we needed he just wanted it to look nicer. Maybe out of spite I should have said no but often my financial needs or wants are not taken seriously.

we have a third car which he insisting keeping. We don’t need it and it costs us a lot of money but I agree because I don’t really care. So do I need to start being more spiteful?

OP posts:
WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 02/05/2026 21:51

Sounds like you’re married to a wanker.

Happytaytos · 02/05/2026 21:49

notaurewhatusername · 02/05/2026 21:46

@Backpain2026no I’m not from a culture where it defaults to the man. I just want peace and I don’t want divorce. I am VERY outspoken with him and told him what I want, what I need he then gives his opinion and that’s that. I can’t just go and hire some itside help with joint funds because that wouldn’t be joint decision. So where do you go from there? I keep leaving dishes he will eventually want to leave me. What’s the solution?

Let him leave.

Why don't you want to divorce?

Original poster
notaurewhatusername · 02/05/2026 21:48

I even get criticised for using the bloody dishwasher. It’s lazy he says because I’ll use it most nights even for five or six dishes due to exhaustion, He won’t touch the dishwasher. Even when he needs a dish from it he will ask me to empty it because I filled it.

hes very weird in some ways. Very weird. But he isn’t all bad I’m just giving you the worst bits.

I just don’t understand it though, someone criticising a dishwasher? Doesn’t everyone have a dishwasher?

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 02/05/2026 21:48

notaurewhatusername · 02/05/2026 21:39

What specifically make him unsupportive? He does help when I ask and looks after DC mornings and some of the weekends and does night duties. He isn’t useless.

im not being defensive but also making sure I give an accurate picture of things. He does help more than a lot of guys

Its not ok to make inflexible rules then have massive rows should your partner inevitably need to break these restrictions, while simultaneously criticising your partner’s actions decisions and choices

It is irrelevant that he does some of the normal day to day childcare and chores - this is both partners responsibility anyway

nutsfornuts · 02/05/2026 21:48

I think you need to prioritise or get less sleep (which is also a form of prioritising I suppose).

I prioritise;

my activity levels, because my MH is nowhere without exercise, BUT I am nowhere near as fit as I was pre kids. I need to do ‘something’ every day, otherwise I go mad but it’s not focused training like it was.

my job, because without it we’re on the street and I earn a decent wage (150k) so I need to be present.

my kids

everything else -

my house is not tidy
i don’t have sex with my OH nearly as much as I should / want to (although our relationship is solid)
i don’t see much of my friends
our diet is ok but could be better. The meals are all cooked from scratch but we could improve the kids snacks.

you can’t prioritise everything.

EverydayRoutine · 02/05/2026 21:46

As the MN cliche has it, you have a DH problem. He has a rule that whoever cooks also tidies and he won't tolerate any leftover dishes? Who on earth does he think he is to impose rules on you? That isn't how equal adult relationships work. And he also controls the money? While you do almost everything for your child, work 4 days a week and plan to increase your work hours?

Get out of this marriage. Get out now.

Original poster
notaurewhatusername · 02/05/2026 21:46

@Backpain2026no I’m not from a culture where it defaults to the man. I just want peace and I don’t want divorce. I am VERY outspoken with him and told him what I want, what I need he then gives his opinion and that’s that. I can’t just go and hire some itside help with joint funds because that wouldn’t be joint decision. So where do you go from there? I keep leaving dishes he will eventually want to leave me. What’s the solution?

OP posts:
Springiscoming368 · 02/05/2026 21:46

Op people always think we have it together and there’s a few things we did. we don’t have family or any additional help.

  1. weekends we alternate who gets up on each day so one person gets a lie in. We have found this vital to keeping on top of the tiredness.
  2. touch it once process, if you pick something up put it where it should be straight away. Example is don’t pick up a glass and put it in the kitchen put it straight in the dishwasher.
  3. meal prep and batch cook on a Sunday, it’s impossible to cook fresh meals every day while working with kids. Have frozen meals ready to shove in the oven when you get home or go on the nursery run. Also helps with the dishes and clean up.
  4. get a food delivery and get this every weekend. It’s such a time saver and when you factor in petrol and time saved it’s a no brainer.
  5. make sure you both have time to be away from the family unit, doesn’t need to be every week but time out to have lunch for a friend does amazing for the mental health.