HOW are some of you doing it? (Raising kids AND thriving)

You have a problem - your husband.

He is preventing you having a" good life".

He has brainwashed you into thinking this is a problem that can be solved by your obedience to his edicts. You feel miserable and exhausted because of his unreasonable demands NOT because you have a baby. The baby is the reasonable part of the equation and he is not

You need his support and encouragement. Of course it is a team effort - he might have suggestions - or different opinions or viewpoints but not in such a way as to undermine and humiliate and reduce you to despair.

You say this to him

”if I keep leaving dishes you will want to leave. I feel like if I don’t hire a housekeeper I will want to leave. I love you but I need some of the pressure taken off. Let’s agree to trial a housekeeper for 4 hours a week for the next 6 weeks and see how we feel at the end”

or even
“I am at my wits end. I love you but our current set up isn’t working for me. I’ve hired a housekeeper for 4 hours a week for the next 6 weeks as a trial. “

It can be done.

I do it. Am I happy though? That’s a different question.

I also think you should get your self to the Dr and have them check your bloods. Iron, b12 and others can make a huge difference to your levels of fatigue.

although if I had to live with your husband I’d be tired too

It gets easier when DC get older.

But a word of caution to you and your DH: children need you. And they need lots of time and attention from you (both).

You have to be able to fit in helping them with homework and taking them to extra curricular activities etc. So the gym 3-4 times a week (unless you go at lunch time) may be hard for you to maintain, assuming DH does the same.

YANBU to want to work, have a nice life and do your own thing, but you don’t just add in a child: being a good parent means giving them a lot of your time.

We’ve made it work because I wanted to go part time. No family help regularly here. We share nights off for choir (DH), occasional theatre trips or conferences (me), but I wouldn’t be able to fit in the gym 3 times a week, and I’d take a dim view of DH wanting to do that to be honest. You also need to carve out time as a couple.

Havent rtft but hoping someone has flagged your husband sounds awful.
Like truly awful.

Your life sounds so oppressive.

He is there stood on the side lines with lots of "feedback" "advice" and plain ol' criticism and no actual help while you slowly break down and he gives zero fucks.

How many nights is he cooking and wash up everything by hand...? Presumably not 3-4 per week.

You could get a housekeeper (you can afford it) but no... rather than build a good life togehter and enjoy your weekends doing nice leisure activities he wants you to struggle and suffer through just because... how lovely...

You are earning good money so not stupid (stay in work btw...) you must know none of this is reasonable or okay...

Ps.never give up that job and going back FT is no bad thing. The worst thing that could happen is you become a sahm...

You’ve got a lot of people telling you to change or leave your DH and/or lower your standards, but slightly fewer practical suggestions on what to do in the meantime.

A rule on needing agreement for joint spending isn’t bad in itself, but clearly isn’t working right now. He wants things you perceive as wasteful but you don’t veto them. You want things he perceives as wasteful and he does veto them. I’m pretty sure becoming spiteful won’t help you feel happier or improve your relationship. But it sounds like you have plenty of money between the two of you both in income and savings, so is it time to review your finances and tweak them? For instance, DH and I have our salaries/income go into the same pot, which covers all joint necessities etc, and we then have a direct debit to a personal account each for whatever we like. It means neither of us wince at (or veto) things the other one buys.

Ive got three kids, a career and people could describe me as “thriving” but our house is a tip (and DP and I are ok with it!).
Have you considered proper couple therapy (not counselling). The situation with your husband is worrying…

Sorry OP just read all your posts and your DH sounds really controlling.

My DH is very hands on and intense and a bit interfering but does a lot so I put up with it, but yours is on another level. My advice would be make sure you never give up your career as you need to hold your own in relationships like these.

Your husband sounds very controlling. No wonder you're struggling with confidence, self-esteem, and feeling overwhelmed. Even when on the surface he's doing good stuff like bathtime or whatever, the background noise to your whole life is that you MUST do things his way or else he finds some way of punishing you (you probably don't think of it that way, but that's what your examples in your posts show).

You must feel constantly stressed out as a result, which then has knock on effects on everything else. And then he's making these ridiculous demands about allsorts of stuff (dishwasher ffs!?) which of course you can't meet, and that creates a feeling of not being good enough.

I know this is all hard to hear OP and you may even be surprised that so many comments are saying he's controlling and the problem. It's hard when your identity is being strong, successful, outspoken. You are all of those things. And he is also controlling.

Well at least while the child is so young you should get outside help. The problem is to get someone good and reliable. I had the money and outsourced as much as possible.
As sad as it sounds most couples find the time of raising kids challenging and realise the lack of compatibility on domestic issues. Hand in there as once the kid goes to school it eases the situation a bit. However, only if you keep it to one child.

With respect the OP is looking for advice from people who have kept up their careers!

OP I have twins and when they were little and I went back to work (city, senior, full on) I worked part time and I had a cleaner / housekeeper who came in 3-4 times a week for a few hours.

standards definitely slipped in terms of life admin, exercise etc. my DH does the cooking so we still ate very well.
we both got a few promotions so was worth it, and now the DC are older looking to redecorate the house a bit (looks awful now) and I’m starting to exercise more.

we do have family nearby though.

No cleaner no help, gave up good career once we decided to start a family, age range from 2 yr old twins up to 16....9 altogether, love every minute still all these years on. DH works full-time and dives in with what needs doing once he walks thru the door. Tidy house equals happy house is our motto lol and the kids know the quicker they help the quicker we get out to beach ,parks etc..only day we don't cook a meal is a Sunday and that because we go down my parents. Again dh will cook tea while I bath kids or vice versa and once there all in bed we sweep about with a final hoover, dishwasher on etc then chill for a couple of hours before we go bed

You have a DH problem. He sounds controlling and financially abusive.

Isn’t it just? I had 2 kids who slept 7-7 from about 12 months until about aged 8. I might have been smug about it too, except I think had a third who, if he ever went to sleep before 8.30pm, would be awake and raring to go at 4am. All kids are different, who knew?

Ok....and what time did your DD wake up? Because a 7pm bedtime would mean a 5am wake up for my DS, at the latest. He's 20 months and hasn't needed more than 10/10.5 hours a night since he was 11 months. Sleeps 1 hour at lunch max. A strange thing to be smug about.

You say you want a good life. Decide for yourself (not your DH's priorities) what this means to you. I have 3 children and work part time. My house is clean but I am a fast worker and tend to do things immediately and quickly. To me, a good life means having a happy family around me, and spending time with them. I probably neglect my own health but I am happier than when I was running every day!
You have a child - did you qwant a child? Does living with your DH and child mean you are having a good life? If so, what can you let go? Cause right now yiu are putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself.

It's obvious who has read all the OP's posts and who is responding just to the initial post. . .

I can only reassure you that you are not failing. Something has to give somewhere....for some it is less kids, others it is less hours at work....it's all a choice. I went back to work after 4 years off! I just couldn't manage more with no family support. I'm now full time but it is years later. Cut yourself some slack.

Goodness me. You've not a lifestyle problem, you have a husband problem.

We don't have a cleaner, or a dishwasher. My house hasn't been clean since my eldest was born 10 years and I can't see it being tidy until they move out!

You have a husband problem. And no practical suggestions about what to do will help that

You have a cleaner 6 hours a week. Honestly I keep an immaculate house and don't do six hours of cleaning a month.

You have a husband who won't touch a dishwasher. That's just werid and strange.

You obviously knew he was very weird before you married him and had a child with him. But now the weirdness is more apparent because you are so exhausted with a small baby.

You have one life

You need to live it the way you want. If you husband will genuinely leave you because you leave a plate on the side, then this isn't a happy place

So just start doing what you want to do and focus on fun with your child and don't worry about the cleaning

No one has it all in the way you describe and in the way your dh wants. It’s completely impossible. Something needs to give or you need to spend a lot of money.

I'm sorry, OP, you do have a DH problem.

The way the rest of us manage is by not caring about a lot of this stuff.

Having a baby completely dismantles your previous life. You have to rebuild it piece by piece, focusing on the things which are most important to you first and trying to slot them into place and then moving onto the next things. It's about juggling, and sometimes you have to let some stuff go and accept that you'll pick it up later. That's not 'failing' at life tbh - if you reach a stage where you can do this and accept your limitations with equanimity and without stress, then you're nailing it.

So what is most important to you? How would you prioritise things to maximise your wellbeing?

For me, the list looks a bit like this:

• Sleep - at least 6-7 hours a night, especially since with young children this is likely to be broken sleep. If you're not achieving this, everything possible needs to go by the wayside to maximise sleep.
• Good food/diet - essential for energy levels.
• Regular exercise - likewise.
• Work - the bills aren't going to pay themselves.
• Spending quality time with my kids.
• Quiet time for me - I need at least half an hour a day of time just to unwind/watch TV/listen to music with no demands from DH/kids.
• Meeting social obligations - replying to emails/messages from family and friends. I try to do this in 'dead time', so while waiting to pick up kids from school/nursery, while the kettle is boiling or on the train etc.
• Housework - this has to fit around everything else. Strangely enough, my house is a lot tidier if I spend more time prioritising the other stuff like sleep and exercise, because I have more energy. But that does mean being flexible about when stuff gets done. I have more energy in the morning, so often leave the kitchen a mess at night and tidy up when I wake up. I do stuff while the kettle is boiling or when I'm waiting for dinner to cook. Bathroom while kids are in the bath. Toys, we have 'tidy up' time just before dinner time, when we all tidy them up together. It's about making stuff less painful, and for me a 'bit by bit' approach works best, including leaving things until later if I really don't want to do them at that moment. If I'm exhausted, I'll leave a pile of dishes and go to sleep or watch TV. Then they get done when I've recharged.

The problem is that you and your DH have different approaches, his approach is at odds with yours and harmful to your wellbeing, and as far as he's concerned, it's 'his way or the highway'.