HOW are some of you doing it? (Raising kids AND thriving)

You have a husband problem. To people reading your posts he comes across as emotionally and financially abusive. He is using coercive control. You yourself used the word railroaded in a post above. You do things to keep the peace. Re-Read your posts imagining that it was your best friend telling you all this. What advice would you give her?

Ah poor you OP! You probably have a lot more money than me - and it sounds as if your house is certainly nicer than mine. But I'm thriving because I live with people I love, who love me, in a household that is rooted in mutual love and respect. I'm sorry but your husband is an absolute controlling arse and no one would thrive living under his roof (because it very much sounds like it's his roof, despite what you pay for it).

This.
You’re living to someone else’s rules. That’s exhausting!!

why do you have debt if you are so comfortable financially and buying £20k patios? get rid of the debt as a priority then you’ll be more comfortable when you do probably split up.

What brings you joy in life?

This. What does a “good life” mean?

Your OP leads me to think you may need to look at nutrition. You emphasise that you are invested in health and fitness and back at the gym 3-4 times/week, before anything about work or the 1yo.
How much weight have you lost this year?
Physicak recovery is about more than getting back into your jeans. The exhaustion you feel could be a sign your body needs more calories and sleep.

You asked how you could improve your life @notaurewhatusername

Hate to point it out but your husband is the cause of a lot of your unhappiness.

He is controlling in his rigidity. You do realise you are an adult with agency? Why do his preferences have more sway than yours? Think about that.

His stubbornness and inability to compromise
break you down little by little. It’s already started.

^ This post gets to the heart of the issue.

Op your opening post is all about what am I doing wrong? I am a failure as a mother!
How can I fit more in!

This thread is nothing to do with whether you are time efficient or not. This is about your dh wearing you down to such an extent that you mistakenly think that you are the problem.

Op you do not need permission to leave or change your life. Your child needs a mother who is happy, confident, and a home which is relaxing and safe. Just think how your dh is going to start reacting when your dc grows up and makes a mess and develops opinions of their own?

OMG Op! Your dh is controlling and critical! No wonder you feel worn down. You have lost confidence. You will never find peace with this man. He is not flexible and pro-active. It’s his way or nothing.

He may help with some things but it’s always on his terms! Eg cooking dinner. He will only cook when he is ready so that isn’t really helping is it? He sounds so selfish.

The dishwasher thing is frankly ridiculous! You have a £20k patio you didn’t want and yet he has the audacity to criticise you for having and using a dishwasher!

Do not hire a housekeeper out of your own money. Also, if you are well off with savings and three cars, why do you still have personal debt? How much is it? Why haven’t you tackled it together?

The phone holder thing. You dread his reaction before he had even seen it! You are walking on eggshells! You have lost confidence. You are shopping too much and spending too much on holidays because your sub-conscious wants to escape!

Op honestly this is no way to live. Read up about coercive control. Your dh sounds dangerously close to qualifying.

Edit: I just saw your updates so editing my post to fit your updates. So sorry you are going through all this. You need support in this. Your dh is not supporting you and is criticising you. Is there anyone you can reach out to?

Wow OP I’m very sorry to have read all your updates, though the signs were there from your first post.

Your DH doesn’t sound normal. Please take that in. His demands, expectations and behaviour are completely unreasonable.

He is the reason you are struggling, not the fact you’ve had a baby. Imagine what your life would be like if you were both on the same page - equal parents, getting the extra help you need, no arbitrary and extreme rules about standards or cleaning or appliances - that is what you deserve and frankly you’d be better off alone than staying in your marriage. He’s already ground you down to the point where you don’t even fully realise that he is abusing you.

Like others have said it’s hard having small kids and you can’t have it all in the early years when you are still adjusting and they are still very dependent. As they get older life becomes easier but for now you need to lower your standards and yes get the help you need. If your husband will not accept this then you need to leave him. You mention this as a possibility if you don’t do the dishes the way he wants - well, call his bluff, let him crack on.

It’s gets easier as they get older but that’s not very helpful for now.
Im not sure it’s possible to do all that yourself. Or maybe it is if you don’t sleep much.
I have 6 dc and pretty high standards. When they were little I basically outsourced as much as I could…. Cleaner twice a week, gardener,ironing sent out, car cleaner came to the house, dog walker. I don’t have any of that now as we don’t need it but in the early days it saved my sanity.
I know it’s probably not for you but I also gave up work once we got past 3 kids. I was sick of feeling like I was drowning but totally appreciate it’s not for everyone.

You had an earlier question trying to understand why your DH was unsupportive: he is not starting from the assumption that you are a team and need to figure things out together that work for you as a team.

You have limited resources: even if you were as rich as Croesus, you still only have 48 hours a day between the two of you.

We think about it in terms of how long everything takes and then prioritising it; and then figuring out who does what, and how we manage what doesn't make it into the time we have left (and outsourcing as much as we can afford to this was a watershed moment when we realised that it was crucial to our shared quality of life that we did we stopped being so grumpy with each other).

We prioritise:
Sleep (at least 7 hours each)
Working out (at least 1 hour a day each, although that includes getting there and showering, so in practice its 40 minutes of running / cycling / working out at home)
Work for both of us (both of us work 0.8, because we've figured out doing anything else doesn't fit; us both working 0.8 allows us each to earn enough and to have flexibility for unexpected things both financially and timewise and doesn't build resentment for an unfair division of earning /work / housework /childcare)
[When the kids were younger we prioritised one of us caring for them when we could -- I worked fewer hours then but we "calculated" the time as contributing to the shared endeavour]
Seeing friends / family: can manage about 4 hours a week each (or together, depending on what we are doing)
Supporting the kids with their sports (ours are older and very keen on their sports)
Doing things we enjoy together (can be sitting on our arses watching TV, days out, going to shows/ gigs etc)

We de-prioritise:
Cleaning (outsource to cleaner)
Gardening (v simple garden with a tiny lawn)
Cooking (we eat relatively well but very very simple low / no prep food -- think steamed salmon from a packet with salad leaves and tomatoes; microwaveable rice with some kind of beany sauce etc)
Everything else

Time is limited and you should be a team.

Your DH appears to have a long list of things you should be able to achieve and is getting pissy with you for not doing all the things. He is absolutely not seeing this as a team where he needs to be working as hard as you -- and yes, working for money is in the mix but it is not the only thing that is work and needs to happen. Sorry, OP, he is a complete dick.

Not to sound patronising but your baby is still young.

I have a teen, I had her young so had to climb the career ladder with her. And I would say I thrived (from the outside at least) as I was taking care of my child, became a single mum though, had massive family support and was able to have a side hustle and join the PTA and attend to my daughters extra curriculum. Earned well, lived well.

I have a 2 year old now, in my 30s, weirdly I don’t feel like I’m thriving in the same way that I was as a parent in my 20s. And I think it’s mindset but also when you have a baby after you have done a lot of the “thriving” and “career” stuff, you feel the difference more and the loss. Whereas in my 20s I had zero expectation but knew I just had to work. It’s a mix of that young naivety and having abit of a go-getter attitude.

Now, I have had to cut down my hours, which I don’t mind, but now that baby is getting older I’m thinking about increasing hours. But I’m accepting that he is just 2, and I do have abit of time to work part time, and when he starts school, I think things will be more stable, and I can focus on work abit more.

Im telling myself this as 15 years with my daughter flew by, and I spent her first 3 years being mum, upskilling, etc, and when she started school, I accelerated.

I also think look into why your energy might be low. Do you feel that home life and the husbands OCD is zapping some life energy out of you? A friend of mine has been exhausted and turns out it’s low iron. What about food, diet etc. I used to cook a lot with my daughter actually. Now with my son I pop him on my back with a sling and make food from scratch. I’ve taught myself shortcuts and I can whip up stuff with fresh ingredients in 30-45 mins.

So my advice is, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Also I have a partner that is pretty OCD with a clean house but he will clean, and I say that my exchange is that I’m doing more of the work with the kids. So it balances out. But it does sound like there are high expectations of you at home.

And although this isn’t a lot of people’s experience, I was a single mum with my first, being able to set my own terms was so liberating. Now with my partner, I couldn’t imagine walking on eggshells, I knew the life I wanted, and I knew that raising kids meant the house isn’t always clean, and when my partner met me, he knew that’s what he was getting into.

I do hope you find a balance but address the low energy. Have the conversation with partner about his ridiculous expectations. And baby is still young, you will have time to “thrive” if you mean career.

Your DH sounds exhausting.

OP, you're drowning & will burn out. You've had great advice about your relationship- please take heed. On a practical front, I found I couldn't have it all. For me it meant going part-time. I'm able to have a very clean & tidy house, cook from scratch, spend time with the kids & have some time to breathe. I'm still a professional, & enjoy my job, but I feel there's more balance. You don't need to work as much financially, but if you want to work, figure out what's important & cut some slack in other areas.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs 🫂

I feel that my experience won't be helpful but I'm going to add it anyway. I just didn't stress about house keeping. You have a cleaner for 6 house a week. I would have felt like a hero if I did 6 hours cleaning a week when my DS was 1 year old. So I think your standards are too high, simple as that.

We just prioritise what is important to us, this doesn’t mean we can have everything we want but are able to live our lives the best we can with what we have. DH works full
time in a job he really enjoys which does mean he works away but but does also have some flexibility. I work part time in a job I love, this has its pros and cons but gives us a good balance. We don’t have much spare money but we wouldn’t have enough
more even if we both worked more hours to make the extra stress worth it. We’ve got 3 children and the youngest currently only goes to nursery when I’m working but when she’s 2 she’ll be able to go a few hours each day. From experience with my older ones whom we did the same with, this made a huge difference as gave me time to sort the house and life admin out, do extra WFH where needed etc

Ignoring your DH, what 3 things matter most to you? For you and baby.

It might be that baby is clean, fed unprocessed food amd arrives at nursery on time. Focus your time around that. If you go to bed with that achieved most of the time then that's successful.

If it means you eat processed food, so be it.

DH might do a bit of childcare but he doesn't seem to actually take him out.

Have some days out. The house can't get messy if you're out as a family and when you get home you give DH choices: are you doing bath time or cooking? Putting away laundry or hoovering? Preparing DC dinner or packing for nursery tomorrow?

^all of this ignores the marital problems deliberately because I know when you're drowning you sometimes just need support to keep your head above water.

Fwiw I had an amazing husband and I didn't thrive until dc was in school.

Well, it comes dow to priorities doesn't it

And finances

And ultimately, what makes you happy

An immaculately clean house or spending time with your kids?

We have both kept our careers, like you we have a cleaner, however we both work part time, I do three days at work and he works from home three days a week. We have a four and ten year old, so much easier ages. As there are two of them and two of us it makes clubs etc easier as it isn’t one person organising and attending. Like you almost all of our meals are home cooked, we both enjoy exercise, I play rugby and I’m now doing hyrox, he plays football and cycles.

We both have children, so we both parent them, no one helps. Helping is when you’re looking after another persons child or home, it isn’t what you do with your own children or home.

We’ve never had a row (we do bicker like mad!), but if we did we certainly wouldn’t have one about housework, that just isn’t normal.

Op you don’t overly enjoy your job but have upped your hours. Yet home life is a struggle. It sounds like life has changed and you don’t know where you fit anymore. I would definitely get a cleaner/nanny if you need one. You can’t do it all. My house has never been as tidy as pre children. Toys- make them less accessible so only one box of toys out at a time. Teach lo to tidy as they go once old enough. Dh does need to budge on some things.

I honestly don’t think it’s possible to do it all even if you both did equal and still stay sane/ healthy/ thriving. The people I know who do it are cleaning and organising late into the night after work and half of their weekends are getting ready for Monday. The only times I’ve honest gotten properly on top of things since kids it’s meant being ready to move things/ tidy things/ organise and I’ve nearly been on the floor crying afterwards.

Saying that everything is a mess at the moment since I’m doing 40 hour weeks and I’m trying to figure out how to get it anyway respectable

You cannot spin all plates at once

work
relationship with dc
relationship with partner
relationship with family & friends
housework/maintenance
cooking from scratch/eating together
dcs extracurriculars
exercise
etc.

Just have to try & rotate them every now & then.

I feel so sorry for you. The reason you’re feeling so overwhelmed and exhausted is due to the anxiety around your husband's expectations, his bullying and demeaning you. I felt anxious just reading your posts. Please leave him.

I don’t think the extra day is for the money, it’s because the OP feels like she can’t do her job properly in 4 days. I had a similar situation and it was far harder trying to cram it all into 4 days then it was spreading it over 5.

I also don't understand why you are killing yourself working five days a week when you are obviously under no financial pressure right now. New patio. ,Three cars. That's what should give not that extra day at work.

I think you are tying yourself in knots here and might possibly want to check for PND and your overall bloods iron vitamin d thyroid etc. although lack of sleep and overwork, stress can make people extremely ill. Take away those pressures and you might find yourself a lot happier whilst your baby is so young. There is time enough to resume your old life but maybe not just this year.