AIBU to worry school topics are overwhelming my son?

He sounds like a typical 11 yr old/early teen, as far as his views are concerned and a typical privately educated boy - rude and opinionated with far too much belief in his own importance.

He sounds great!

If he were my son, I would be so glad he is thinking and questioning. I would try to talk to him about my own struggle to walk the line of uneasy compromise on environmental and ethical issues. It is fundamentally important for us figure out the extent to which we can 'think globally, act locally', to learn about ways we can be idealistic, to understand when we have to compromise, how to act on our principles without doing harm to our cause. It is also interesting to think about whether our own decisions matter in a larger sense, or whether they are just a way to soothe our feelings.

This is such an important and interesting topic for him to be thinking about. It is also great that his school is encouraging him to question the sources of information, and to try to understand the validity of arguments he is presented with- sounds like a wonderful school, and a very dedicated teacher.

Sounds like he has bought into some of the concepts and sounds like he is forming his own opinions on topics. This age group often go in a bit gung ho and can be black and white. You should be proud he cares.

the veggie thing - great opportunity for him to learn to cook. My eldest dd was veggie for about 10
months and we supported by buying her different food / sometimes adapting meals but a lot of the time she was expected to cook her own food. She’s no longer veggie (bacon won!) but she’s a great cook now.

other issues - engage with him and discuss ways forward. Can’t see a problem with him walking more rather than being driven.
he will likely mellow.
however, he does need to learn how to be respectful to those who have different views and this is a great teaching opportunity.

My niece went through a similar phase, courtesy of lessons relating to the environment at school. I said that electric cars are all good and well, but they are very expensive (they were fairly new at the time), and if she aspired to have one as her first car when she was older, she had best start saving up for one. Then I asked if she particularly liked walking or cycling, as she could take that up as her means of getting around, and her family would meet her at the place where they were going. She stuck to riding in a non-electric car in the end, as it was easier to get around, and to go on holiday and things!

As for his diet, he is more than welcome to be a vegetarian (if you are happy to accommodate that), and perhaps he can learn to cook a few vegetarian meals himself. If you can respect his decision not to eat meat, he will have to learn to respect the decision of people who do eat meat and fish.

I'm not really sure what you expected OP?

He's got the opportunity for what sounds like a fantastic education.

He's thrown himself into it and is engaging fully.

He's asking logical and relevant questions secondary to this.

Some of them are uncomfortable questions. Children do make us uncomfortable with some choices we make (ie, stance on abortion, death penalty etc) and information that we parrot. That's a good thing!

Ultimately you are not in a position where you can pick and choose his subject matter and that's accepted when you take the school place.

You cant expect him only to ask comfortable questions- he's a child!

That said, it does sound like he could use some support in courtesy and appropriate ways to hold and engage with controversial topics.

Re the car - I’d be telling him when he can drive and afford a car he can choose whichever one he wants and in the meantime he can feel free to walk.
If he wants to be vegetarian and the rest of the family isn’t, 11 is an excellent age to learn to cook for himself.
He seems like he’s reached that annoying age where he thinks he knows better than everyone else. They all do it.

Honestly (as a vegan) I agree with a lot of what he says and the reason why it feels uncomfortable/difficult is because there is no good reason why we farm certain animals and cherish others, other than culture. He feels his views strongly, he is young and just needs to learn that he needs to respect other people's choices and some topics you have to agree to disagree on.

Ethics/the environment are certainly good areas to feel passionate about and I would be very happy if my sons grow up to have this outlook but I understand that the 'criticism' must be hard - discussion is okay, personal attacks are not.

My 12 year old is a bit like this (also at independent school but I think it’s a personality thing rather than a school thing!). To be honest I’m pleased that she’s being encouraged to develop her own thoughts and feelings around things, and it encourages healthy debate.
ETA and also, often she’s right, it just feels uncomfortable for us because she’s challenging things we do and how we live.

You’re paying £30,000 and they still expect him to think? Outrageous!

I went through a similar phase when I was around 10 and still in primary school, so did my eldest DC. I think you're overreacting, possibly because his questions are too uncomfortable for you.

He's just hit the teenage stage of knowing more than his parents a bit early, its very normal. Dinner table debates are great at this stage, had great debates with my family when I was growing up and I really treasure those memories even as I cringe at some of the things I said. Keep talking about these things, ask him questions too rather than just him asking you, try to get him to think critically about his beliefs by showing the example with your own. But remind him that while we are all allowed our own beliefs and allowed to argue them, we are not allowed to be rude to family members about their beliefs.

@BeWittyZebra I went through the same phase as your son when I was 5 and understood that meat was dead animals. I refused to eat anything that had been alive and my parents weren't happy exactly but they didn't want me to starve so made separate meals for me. Noone influenced me. I was (am) a sensitive soul and loved animals and couldn't bear the cruelty of killing them and eating them. It felt like cannibalism might feel to a meat eater.

He has surely been enlightened by school but maybe your son just has a strong moral compass and wants to live accordingly. Greta Thunberg had the same "awakening" at 11 about the environment. Some children are more sensitive than other. It's not easy for the parents but I think it's important to respect your children and their sense of justice and morality or you risk alienating them.

I'd say something about how humans are animals and lots of animals eat other animals. It's not pretty when a lion eats a zebra but it doesn't make them bad or wrong. That it's his choice to not eat meat but he shouldn't make other people feel bad because they make different choices.

I'd say to him that getting around without a car is pretty tricky as public transport isn't great here and can be very expensive. Electric cars are also very expensive and to just get rid of a car so you can get one that's more environmentally friendly wouldn't be environmentally friendly. If he doesn't want to drive when he's an adult or he wants to get an electric car then that's entirely up to him - but other people are free to make other choices even if he doesn't agree with them. I would however have to agree with him if you have some huge diesel SUV.

On humans being extremely selfish I'd also have to agree with him - but I'd also point out how many people there are out there raising money for charities or rescuing animals or even just feeding the birds in the winter to help them survive.

I'd be encouraging him to think about what he might be able to do himself to improve the world around him rather than telling other people what they should be doing. What could he do in the garden to make it more wildlife friendly? Could he go litter picking in the local park with you? Could he find a way to raise some money for charity?

She said - a science teacher is running the environment club.

You'd talk to the school and tell them the club is going "overboard" because it's caused DS to have (completely rational) concerns about the environment! They'll be bloody delighted 😂
What do you want, environment club classes sponsored by BP which talk about how the oil spill was just one big misunderstanding?

He's just doing the 'I know everything and my parents are stupid' thing earlier than most. Engage and discuss with him but don't let him be rude.

The cow vs dog question is pretty smart and could raise a really good chat if you went about it well. "The dog is our pet. If cows were kept as pets, we'd probably feel differently about eating them. What do you think about rabbits? Some people have them as pets, some people eat them. In some countries, dogs are eaten. Do you feel differently about dogs being eaten than you do about cows being eaten? Lots of people feel very differently about those things, I wonder why."

So... parrot the consensus and he's good, parrot anything else and he lacks conviction?

Let kids be kids and encourage curiosity and the courage to challenge.

He sounds like a bright young man who's presumably starting to realise that the world is very complex and contradictory, and full of complicated moral dilemmas.

Obviously, don't allow him to cross the line into being rude or demanding that you as a family change your ways if they are working for you, but encourage the conversations and help him develop his ideas and thoughts. It's nice to read about a tween who is thinking about the world rather than staring vacantly at TikTok.

Well presumably OP sent him to a school with an environmental club run by a scientist, and a philosophy club, and allowed/encouraged him to join those clubs. So it's a bit bloody rich to moan that he's learning to think independently

Well it depends on if he has actual convictions or if he's just being a contrary young boy.

As it's come out of nowhere is hedge on contrary 😭

I would definitely shut him down and tell him to keep his views to himself now he’s started telling you what you should be doing.

It’s very normal behaviour for around this age I think. They start striving for independence and to develop an identity that’s separate from their parents. But their thoughts patterns are black and white, and they haven’t yet learned about nuance and about how to express opinions in a way that’s respectful to other people.

I grew up debating all sorts of topics with my parents and I think it was really good for me.

I think he sounds great too. I agree with @BusMumsHoliday.

i’m amazed he’s done so much research on cars! At 11! Impressive! He also sounds very driven and incredibly focussed on fairness. Any chance he might be autisic?

I've also been told that most cultures don't eat carnivorous animals. I think their flesh contains more toxins, it's not a nice texture, and it doesn't make economic sense to raise animals that require lots of meat to eat themselves.

You could check this and tell your son @BeWittyZebra

I’d engage in the conversation, I don’t see how that could be a bad thing.

Ok, he thinks you should get a different car that is better for the environment. What about the environmental impact of getting rid of a car that still works and buying something new? What about the financial impact - we can’t always make the choices the we want to make, because we have other constraints. He’s being very black and white - does he want to get the bus next time he wants a lift? Where does he want to go on holiday and how does he want to get there? Why is he vegetarian and not vegan, does he have no qualms about the dairy industry (I might not ask this because I wouldn’t want to then have to cook vegan meals!)

I wouldn’t be asking these questions as some kind of gotcha! But to show that everything has compromise, no one makes all the environmental decisions they’d like to make, even if they really care about the environment. I’d be saying no one is perfect so maybe let’s work together on some changes we can all make, without turning it into having a go at people for their dietary choices.