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Original poster

Support with household organisation and ADHD burnout rather than a cleaner?

82 replies

cinemapop · 02/05/2026 10:55

I am diagnosed ADHD. Diagnosed around 10 years ago. I tried medications, but with some other health problems, they affected my heart rate too much for me to be allowed to continue. I figured some techniques for getting by. I tried fly lady which lead to bullet journalling, which worked for a while. But in recent years, when peri and menapause its gotten to the point im no longer managing.

I work from home in a demanding target driven role. I work condensed hours mon-thurs but then over time every friday, and usually a few hours on the weekend. Reducing this is not an option, I have 3 teenage/young adult children to support, old debts that need paying from when i was on a lesser wage but on my own and struggling, and no partner. Their father has not been in the picture for 12 years, i get the base £29 in CMS only. He doesnt see them and never has from the day he walkked out. My kids that can have part time jobs around uni and college. They all live at home still. I earn too much for any government top ups like UC, they get student finance, but being at home and going off my wage, its expected that i contribute to them still. This is all fine, i earn enough to cover everything we need with some luxaries.

I excel in my role. I consistently hit 110%-125% of targets, manage my time and my workload effectively. Nothing goes overdue. I plan my month as a whole with time for putting put aside for unexpected events and catching up with collegues on teams to ensure those workplace relationships exist despite remote working. I can function in work. I love my job. I know the spoon theroy isnt great, but all my spoons go on work. They have to a degree as i need to hit targets for bonuses and i mentor within my department which is why work relationships matter. But its at the expense of anything else.

Everything else however, is on fire.

I have decsion paralysis over everything, literally everything. i cannot decide meals, i cannot decide what to wear so dont change out of legging and tshirts, i cant decide what colour to paint my nails even, i cant decide what to watch, what book to read, every deceison overwhelms and panics me

I have task paralyis/exectutive dysfunction. My home is chaos, theres stuff everywhere, but i phsyically cannot start these tasks, i want to, i want to do them, but i cannot move, i panic and i dont even know what im panicking at. I look at it all day after day, but i cannot start the task. I cant wash my hair, I cant go to the shops. I cant start anything that needs doing.

I have full social burn out, i dont see any one, or talk to anyone. My messages and whats apps have 10s/100s of unread messages. I cant open them. I cant reply. I just cannot face talking to people. I cancel family events all the time, as i spend 2 days planning to trying to get ready for the event, but by the time it comes round im mentally exhausted, ive not slept. Ive not ate, im not ready. I just cant go.

My kids help, they are all old enough to help (16-21), they decide meals to help me, they cook a night each per week so i dont have to do it every day. They will help with some of the tidying. But 2 of them are also diagnosed, which adds to the chaos that is our home.

Ive seen talk of peope hiring PAs. Rather than a cleaner, i feel i need supprt with the management not the cleaning as such. Maybe theres a better term for it. But its the laundry, organising, meals, decision making, moving stuff from surfaces etc. I can free up money from my OT to afford this. Redcuing my OT to do it myself is pointless, as i cant do it. Its not a free time thing, its a completely malfunctioning thing. When i have had AL and been off i sit and do nothing, just list things that need doing over and over in my head, and never start the tasks. I need another person to help me now. My strategies no longer work.

Does this exists?

Does anyone have a similar person to help with similar needs?

How would i go about finding this service?

OP posts:
Original poster
cinemapop · 02/05/2026 12:20

FlatCatYellowMat · 02/05/2026 11:28

I feel this. High demand role, long school run, 2 tweens. Viscerally don't want a cleaner (embarrassment, not wanting yet another person asking me questions - a few reasons). My kids are with their dad today, and I've done the dishwasher, and put some stuff in pretty jars that me and the youngest bought, but haven't got any further with any of the stuff that needs to be done.

I agree that what I really need is a housekeeper, rather than a cleaner - but how on earth do I find someone like that when I have the blocker of not wanting to wade through who might apply, and even if I find someone, they might suck, or take me for a ride. I get it.

So I've taken small steps. I have robot hoovers upstairs and down. Not perfect (not least because of crap on the floors) - but so much better than it was before.

I have someone come and mow the lawn, so it's not hanging over me. I do also have a robot, but it needs the wire set out (seemingly every few months something went wrong with the wire) and I've not got time, so lawnmower person it is.

Your kids cooking helps a lot (mine are responsible for their own breakfast/lunch term-time. and one dinner each holiday time). I also over-cook when I'm in a good mood so there's plenty of defrostable curry/bolognaise/meatballs/stew in the freezer, and I get breaded chicken/smoked salmon/whatever else is the fashionable snack on a strict rota. Plus takeaway once a week, or if I'm just not managing that day.

Basically that's how I survive. Routines and habits, and hoping for me to be in the right mood to get shit done at the weekend. Oh and subscriptions (who gives a crap, amazon for toothbrush heads and pet food).

I've tried having AI keep track for me, so that I can know and plan what's coming, and it works for a couple of weeks then I'm knocked off again.

My current plan is to throw away more stuff so there's nothing to have to tidy. Buy more boxes, so at least things are in stackable boxes rather than heaps, and give myself some grace, because beating myself up doesn't make it any better either.

Do you have anyone in your orbit who's that type of person who basically holds everyone else together? I have that person, and I know that if I asked, she'd swoop in, organise from her extensive network, and transform stuff, but I'm too stubborn and want to do it myself.

If I was drowning, she's who I would call though.

Oh i have so much on subscription! toilet roll, washing tab, cat food and litter, deodorants, shampoo, coditioner, body wash, hair bobbles, toothpaste and heads, washing up liquids, sponges, gloves surfaces spays, toilet cleaner off the top of my head on monthly to 3 months deliveries so we dont run out.

OP posts:
norristhedog · 02/05/2026 11:43

I do this for my adult dd. She works and has ASD and ADHD. I receive carers allowance. I basically organise and oversee her whole life she just has to get ready for work and I drop her off / pick her up .

I book all her medical and dental appts, manage medication, clean, do her laundry, drive her to work etc. prepare all meals. It’s the only way she can manage to have a career.

Bavariamaria · 02/05/2026 11:38

A mother's help? So rather than a cleaner, someone who will empty the dishwasher, sort out piles of post, clean crap out of the fridge, tidy shoes, put washing away, put washing on, basically go around and see and do the things that need doing. Plus a cleaner every week maybe? Can you afford that?

Basically the cleaner does the actual cleaning and the mother's help does all the tasks that build up that don't get noticed until there is chaos. Ideally the same person but I think those are the two roles you need.

And maybe set up a Tesco delivery and let everyone have access to it to add stuff.

FlatCatYellowMat · 02/05/2026 11:28

I feel this. High demand role, long school run, 2 tweens. Viscerally don't want a cleaner (embarrassment, not wanting yet another person asking me questions - a few reasons). My kids are with their dad today, and I've done the dishwasher, and put some stuff in pretty jars that me and the youngest bought, but haven't got any further with any of the stuff that needs to be done.

I agree that what I really need is a housekeeper, rather than a cleaner - but how on earth do I find someone like that when I have the blocker of not wanting to wade through who might apply, and even if I find someone, they might suck, or take me for a ride. I get it.

So I've taken small steps. I have robot hoovers upstairs and down. Not perfect (not least because of crap on the floors) - but so much better than it was before.

I have someone come and mow the lawn, so it's not hanging over me. I do also have a robot, but it needs the wire set out (seemingly every few months something went wrong with the wire) and I've not got time, so lawnmower person it is.

Your kids cooking helps a lot (mine are responsible for their own breakfast/lunch term-time. and one dinner each holiday time). I also over-cook when I'm in a good mood so there's plenty of defrostable curry/bolognaise/meatballs/stew in the freezer, and I get breaded chicken/smoked salmon/whatever else is the fashionable snack on a strict rota. Plus takeaway once a week, or if I'm just not managing that day.

Basically that's how I survive. Routines and habits, and hoping for me to be in the right mood to get shit done at the weekend. Oh and subscriptions (who gives a crap, amazon for toothbrush heads and pet food).

I've tried having AI keep track for me, so that I can know and plan what's coming, and it works for a couple of weeks then I'm knocked off again.

My current plan is to throw away more stuff so there's nothing to have to tidy. Buy more boxes, so at least things are in stackable boxes rather than heaps, and give myself some grace, because beating myself up doesn't make it any better either.

Do you have anyone in your orbit who's that type of person who basically holds everyone else together? I have that person, and I know that if I asked, she'd swoop in, organise from her extensive network, and transform stuff, but I'm too stubborn and want to do it myself.

If I was drowning, she's who I would call though.

Calypsocuckoo · 02/05/2026 11:28

This is interesting as my young adult daughter is a bit like this. At the moment I just do everything for her as she is working hard, but I sometimes feel I should be supporting her to manage tasks for herself. It’s things like tidying bedroom, laundry, organising clothes and wardrobe, decluttering and packing ready to move out. She is moving in with her boyfriend soon and I want to help her learn strategies to manage these things for herself instead of me doing them.
I don’t know how to do this though as all of this comes really easily to me and I enjoy cleaning, tidying and organising. At the moment I do sometimes just try to start her off or chat to keep her going.
it sounds like you either need strategies if you want to do it yourself or an actual housekeeper to come and do it all for you. Have you tried The Organised Method (TOM) ?
I am following with interest.

Katemax82 · 02/05/2026 11:15

I was a cleaner for an autistic lady who was a legal adviser who had a PA but I don't know how you go about getting one, but they're definitely a thing

britneyisfreebutnotokay · 02/05/2026 11:12

Boosting this for you op. 💐
I need the same role in my home but have no idea how that could be found