Support with household organisation and ADHD burnout rather than a cleaner?

Try a none stimulant adhd medication?

I’ve just launched a business in my part of the South East supporting with all the things you’re struggling with. I’ve always found time to be the most precious commodity and with the rise of older relatives in ailing health (certainly amongst my friends and also in my original line of work in the NHS) people are looking to recoup any spare minutes and hours they can possibly outsource, never mind off loading the mental load!

Have you tried body doubling, op?

Lots of sympathy as I am the same (also have medical reasons medication didn't work out). Following with interest to see if the right type of person can be found.

Task initiation is the worst thing. The saying "It's not knowing what to do, it's doing what you know" nails it. I did use an ADHD life coach for a while, but even though they were for ADHD, I didn't find them a great help, as what they said mainly fell under suggestions for what to do rather than how to make myself get past the paralysis.

Just on the off chance that there's a strategy you haven't tried, here are some that have helped for me. They haven't solved the problem, but sometimes they get me past the compulsive not starting.

What helps sometimes is explicitly NOT doing the thing. So I switch my internal monologue from saying "I must start doing X" to "I'm NOT doing X, but I will (say) just move this jumper from here to there".

Also, the shortest of shortest timers - one minute, two minutes, no more. Sometimes that can break the paralysis for a while.

I try to try to detach myself from any emotion at all or even thoughts, beyond "I'm going to make my arms and legs do this small sub-task although I absolutely do not want to, and it'll be OK, because they'll be doing it, not me". That idea comes from Brain Over Binge (a book about compulsive overeating) where the author found it useful to think explicitly about how she is in charge of her arms and legs, to try to bypass compulsive thinking (for eating rather than avoidance/procrastination).

"I'm allowed to stop whenever I want even if it's only after 15 seconds" is a crucial idea, too, which seems to help. I have to mean it - when I really do and truly believe it, it can help.

If I can find something really interesting to listen to that can help as it fills up the space in my mind that would otherwise be panicking at the boredom and the dread of finding things I should have dealt with earlier.

Basically all those things fall under "I'm NOT doing X", which becomes the dominant thought, while bits of my body sometimes do a bit of X anyway but almost despite me rather than because of me (then after say three 2 minute timers I may be able to go up to 15 minutes and do two or three of those).

Making a list often helps a bit. It's not because it helps me to remember what to do, it's because subconsciously my brain gets used to the idea that I'm going to be doing those things, and that makes the task initiation a tiny bit easier (even if it's two days later). The items on the list must be as small as possible - there is no such things as one that's too small in my experience.

All of these things at different times have helped me get past the initiation of tasks that I'm essentially almost phobic about starting.

I have had to be brutal about any type of tech I can be compulsive over that stops me doing tasks I need to move around to do - this includes work, refreshing social media, whatever. If that's available, it's twice as hard to do anything else. I use blockers.

I would also second A Slob Comes Clean for anything to do with clutter, and also Atomic Habits is a very good book/audiobook that goes into detail about the psychology of how to remove friction and make it easier to start things and gradually turn them into habits.

This may sound a bit strange, but you can get AI to make decisions. For example, there are apps you can take a photo of your fridge with, and it will tell you what to make for dinner. You can ask it what colour to paint your nails, to tell you what tv show to watch or what book to read. Give it a list of every job you need to do, then when you have 5 mins (eg you put the kettle on to make tea) ask it how you should spend the 5 mins. No arguing, no thinking, let it be in charge.

@cinemapop FWIW after I posted it I did an hour of tidying

So my problem is not exactly the same as yours, obviously, but thank you for posting

And again, I mean it when I say I really do hope you find what you're looking for

I would actually be totally willing to help out with stuff like this if I were your friend. This ADHD body doubling has been mentioned to me before. Someone who is diagnosed with ADHD thought I would find it very helpful. The obvious substitute seems like if you had a friend round who could encourage you for an hour? I haven't got anyone who would do that, but I wonder if you've asked for help. I know sometimes it's difficult to ask for help because you think you're going be judged, but I would definitely help.

At the age of 50, and having always lived on my own, it just feels as if I've done housework forever. A lot of things went wrong when I moved to my current place and I just no longer have any incentive to keep the place looking nice. I also made a lot of poor choices in terms of how to store things in such a small flat -I might have to bite the bullet and spend the money on better solutions but I'm nervous of making poor choices all over again!

I have a weekly hour video call with a professional declutterer (she essentially just sits on the laptop in corner of the room while I tackle one area (like a desk drawer or a cupboard) and gives encouragement / asks me prompt questions to help me make decisions and at the end if there are say 10 mins left she will say “right take the recycling out, put that pile of clean washing away then it’s done” and I achieve so much with just having someone keep me on task for an hour. It helps me focus. And it means I don’t have to feel like I’m avoiding a stressful mountain because I know it’s booked in.

I suspect I have adhd. I also have a personal trainer for the same reason, to keep me on task. I need people telling me what to do

I have a friend who has someone do this for her, she spent a long time interviewing but found someone who she gets on brilliantly with, who is an organisational genius according to her. She also has a cleaner come in once a month for 4 hours. Best of luck op

I see a few jobs like this on Indeed. They are usually described as a PA. The actual job description goes into more description to say whether it's an admin/organisational role, a cleaning type role or a personal care role. PA seems to be the overall description.

You need a part-time housekeeper.

Agencies that deal with household staff will know what that is. You could advertise in The Lady - https://jobs.lady.co.uk/

I empathise. I have inattentive ADHD and I struggle so badly to run the house. It is a constant battle and there are constant feelings of shame. I can't even employ a cleaner as I can't keep on top of the clutter.

I might eventually hire an organiser/declutterer to come and help me if I get enough spare money. Ideally if I could get it sorted so that I could maintain it... I'd then have the cleaner in weekly.

Hard relate. I haven’t been able to pull my household together. I’ve been thinking about it all afternoon since I shared my DM’s system but there’s so many “oh but’s” in my family that I can’t settle on any system that would feel fair.

I have two podcast listens that keep me sane
A Slob Comes Clean with Dana White and The Lazy Genius with Kendra Adachi. I think k what I love about them both is that they take enormous overwhelming problems and come up with small, effective solutions.

With Dana, it’s about doing small maintenance chores rather than trying to sort out your whole house in a weekend. Her decluttering method forbids pulling everything out so even if you only spend 2 mins, it’s 2 mins better.

With Kendra she drills into different topics, and uses principles to focus down on what matters and just make small changes for big impact.

I put one or other on when I have to clean, or tidy, and if nothing else it’s just a calm voice in my ear to compete with the chaos in my brain.

I have an absolutely brilliant cleaner who supports my adhd if anyone would like her details, Welsh/Cheshire borders.

Some things that might help the search;

• home help for the elderly - worth talking to one of your local agencies as they may have someone who they go ‘that would suit them’.
• Personal assistant services - disabled people sometimes have them as part of a care package. So again, local care agencies may have something suitable.
• Tidying and organising suppprt. Theres a person who works locally (Tidy Coo I think her business is). Organise your home. Declutter suppprt might be good terms to search on.
• Virtual PAs - might help get enough under control that gives you capacity for some other aspects. Eg. You could get meal planning and the associated supermarket order built by one for a fortnight at a time.

Or go for something like mindful chef once a fortnight so every other week is take the box out and microwave for main meals.

Home helps / Mothers help - isn’t quite what you’re after but some people who do that will also comfortably do what your after. Rather than light child care it’s basically light parenting of an adult you’re wanting.

There’s an app called Dubbie (or something like that)

It was created by a woman with ADHD and it has various things that can support with this stuff. It has live body doubling sessions as well. The idea is having someone else doing a task (doesn’t have to be the same task) alongside you can help you complete your task.

i keep meaning to try it

There's an agency in Edinburgh called New Town nests. They supply staff for a range of roles and are always very clear in the description what staff will be expected to do. You could get an idea from there how to word an advert to get the right sort of person. I think getting someone to help set up some healthy systems and routines would be great, then you might be able to reduce it over time.

Be careful with the burnout feeling though - it will definitely feel like you can’t stop, but full-blown burnout is worse and takes a long time to recover from.

Well said. The signs you are having of burnout outside work are a warning of impending total burnout unless you reduce your load and start carving out rest and recovery time.

A housekeeper will help with life outside work.
However, I hope you realise the burnout will spread to your work life too unless you find a way to pull back a bit.
Like many with ADHD, you are a workaholic.
What would be the impact of just meeting targets instead of 125%?
Can you hold back 1 spoon a day just for you to recharge?

There is a body doubling app advertised by Rich and Rox Pink (ADHD Love). I think the idea is someone watches you do something you don’t want to do and vice versa.

I‘ve never used it, but here it is: https://www.adhd-love.co.uk

Be careful with the burnout feeling though - it will definitely feel like you can’t stop, but full-blown burnout is worse and takes a long time to recover from.

I have a declutterrer who has taken on more as time goes by. I’ve seen a thread recently (in AIBU?) where OP was wondering if she could hire a housekeeper (answer: yes). We have 5 ND adults/near adults in our house and I really feel you. Absolutely outsource. I also recently discovered you can outsource laundry: only do it occasionally but it’s good to know I can when it’s all too much.

If you find the answer, let me know

I looked into this when I had my nervous breakdown

I did find a sort of extra help cleaner, but that was coming in at about £25 an hour

And from reading round it seemed to be dependent on what the person was prepared to do

Then, if you get into housekeeper, it's a lot more expensive

I'm only one person in a tiny flat so it would've been a much smaller job

In the end, I had just a normal cleaner come round twice and by then I had a resurrected enough of myself to keep going

I could do with some help at the moment to be honest, years of A&D in a bit of a low spot at the moment, but my feeling is by the time I've explained it all to someone, and signed all the paperwork, it would be easier to do it myself

I don't have the task paralysis that you're describing though. I think that's a bit different.

I hope you find what you're looking for. All the housekeeping agencies around here are aimed at families, and also the flat is tiny and I wouldn't feel comfortable letting them loose while I wasn't here.

Also being honest, I feel judged

The people I spoke to were lovely, they said they do lots of people who have depression and anxiety and they would probably walk in here and go "what's the problem? It's not bad." it isn't. I would just like it to be in perfect order

And then I wonder if I'm being hopelessly unrealistic. I did used to live in perfect order though. I don't know how I did that. I even did it when I was really quite unwell.

And u should not concern yourself with job title of the person u ring the agency up tell them what u need and they will know the best fit tho using an agency is going to be expensive

You need a declutter person they come in and go through your whole house and organise everything, get rid of the crap and really re order the whole house!

You could use hello fresh also for your meals

otherwise advertise for a home help - ask for 3 hours a day mon - fri

I have AuDHD, late diagnosed. I feel your pain. Holding it together at work but struggling at home. I do think there’s scope for getting paid help as you suggest. My relative is having something similar. Doesn’t need a ‘carer’ yet but needs help with life admin etc. I’d suggest trying a sunrise alarm clock for your 5am riser. I’ve got a Lumie, it really helps.
Can I massively recommend the ‘dubbii’ app? Set up by the couple behind ADHD_love, it’s a body doubling app. There’s pre-recorded videos of many tasks (like getting up, laundry, cleaning rooms) but it also has 1 hour live, hosted sessions every 3 hours. There’s a host who talks (everyone else is muted or it would be chaos, there’s often 100+ people). You set your intentions and everyone gets one with their tasks (separately but together). Hosts will do countdowns, positive encouragement and support. I’ve been amazed at what I can do using dubbii. It’s such a lovely community. It’s only £30 for the year or £5 a month (I paid £5 for one month then switched to a yearly when I saw how much I used it.) In the last 11 months, I’ve only had one day when I haven’t used it!

I wonder if you could get a decluttering person /service and housekeeper.
But maybe first get an ADHD coach to discuss this issue and plan the strategy/be kept accountable - literally someone checking in to say “have you booked the housekeeper yet? What is the priority this week?”
It sounds like you’ll need someone physically there helping you declutter, then housekeeping going forward, which is understandable. But a coach as a cheerleader ! Shame there isn’t a combined role tbf

I find the TOM Rocks guided cleans helpful. Some are more "keep me company" but many are "5 minutes to do the dishes, 3 minutes wiping the work surfaces, 5 minutes sweeping the floor". Once you're past the hurdle of picking the session and and putting on your headphones, there's no more brainwork to do.

I've been using them for the 4 years since they launched (subscription, less than £4 per month) and find that I'm increasingly doing small maintainence jobs spontaneously because they've created autopilot habits, and I see the difference that a few minutes can make rather than being unable to see the difference in "clean the kitchen" which could be 30 mins or 2 hours, but either way needs to wait for an optimal window of time of motivation and hyperfocus and then ending up burned out from the effort so it's a dispiriting mess again in 5 days.

AI can help with creating menu plans and filling the gaps in the routine.

It looks like you know what you're doing, you just need to delegate out the final decision with minimal brain work.