to think joint accounts aren’t the only “right” way to manage money in a marriage?

We have separate accounts and an account which is joint but used only for household bills. He pays his car insurance/tax, phone etc out of his money and I do the same out of mine. Any "big ticket" items we split the cost 50/50. I learned a very hard lesson about having a joint account many years ago (when married to ExH), and it's a mistake I vowed never to make again which my DP, of 25 years, knows and understands.

I've voted YABU, but it's not black and white.

I've just been through a divorce where we didn't have joint accounts, and this was a feature amongst many others for me wanting out.

It wasn't so much the joint accounts, but a lack of transparency from exH and his need to oversee and control the finances, when he was incapable of registering all the small things that add up (new clothes and sports equipment for growing DC, replacement crockery, days out in the school holidays etc etc), and the variable outgoings like fuel (i do more miles in order to work and cover childcare) and food (which varies and increases all the time with inflation, not just annually) he would only calculate the obvious easily measurable outgoings (council tax, energy bills, insurance, mortgage etc).

Communication, or lack of, was the number one reasons for the divorce!

I think if you have financial transparency in a marriage then it doesn't matter if it is via individual or shared accounts, but as soon as one is hiding things, even if it isn't deliberate, then separate finances don't work and you'd be better off not married.

Why/how do you contribute so little? Not asking with a critical tone im just nosey/curious

You see, I can't get my head round this.

We have a joint account. Everything goes into it. (I earn about 15% less.) It's not "family funds", it's just "our money".

I don't worry I'm wasting "family money" if I indulge myself when we can afford it. Indulgences are part of what we as a couple and a family are lucky enough to be able to afford.

Your husband's golf and car money is all coming out of your total household family income. How is it different that he's siloed it off into a different pot?

In my mind, this just (in general) facilitates men having more discretionary income, even in a family, because men generally earn more.

I’d be surprised if your name was on ALL the bills, lots of bills don’t seem to allow 2 people to be named.

Oh we both have life insurance and critical illness that DH pays for!

We have completely separate accounts. I transfer 1/3 of mortgage to DH each month and pay for electricity, my phone, DS gym membership, hot water/heating, cleaning and all food/household goods costs. He pays car payment, insurances, service charge (in a flat) council tax, water bill.

We both pay for our own hair/health and medical/clothes/leisure. If we go out for dinner with friends I'll pay on my Amex (paid off fully each month). We both pay into pensions. DS's clothes and shoes shared. I pay for big holidays out of my savings.

We've done this for 20 years, never argued or had an issue re: money. I've never seen his bank account or vice versus. Contributions are proportional to our income (he earns approx 1/3 more than me) both work FT. Although I'm going to drop down to 4 days a week but my income will be the same.

I'm thrifty and more of a saver than DH. I grew up with no money and supported myself from teenage years onwards so the idea of not having total control of my incomings/outgoings makes me feel anxious. We will chat a couple of times a year about how much savings we both have, discuss any big purchases or if our earnings have changed - it works well and suits us. Understand how to others it may seem odd though!

Oh I meant to say YANBU. That was a mistake!

We consider money to be joint regardless of what account it’s in and who pays what

Yep. In going on 25 years we've never had a joint account, in fact we've never really agreed anything formal regarding money (like setting a monthly 'fun' allowance). We've just muddled through, taken the view that it's all there for all of us if need be, and done what seems reasonable at the time. Seems to work.

I am in a very similar boat as OP. Over /5 years married, we have a joint a/c due to mortgage drawdown in a building project which is handy to hold some small savings …and allows me lodge occasional cheques from my DM in my “married name” (I never changed my name).

We have always split the bills relatively fairly compared to our earnings - DH paid mortgage and some insurances, I covered utilities and groceries and childcare- he tended to cover most date nights and regular socialising/DC activities while I saved for holidays and Christmas.

We both put away savings, and we both had our own money to spend. And if there were particularly high expenses one month, or other reasons why one needed money, we talk about it and give the other what’s needed. Big purchases were also always talked about together before agreeing to buy (or not).

As OP says, it’s about trust. And we each trust the other, and communicate with each other. Through thick and thin.

We have a joint account where we put bills money to go out with direct debits and we have our own accounts where our own wages go etc, still share paying for holidays etc but this works for us. Of I want more he will send me it or if I want a big purchase and he is out I send it over

It really depends on the circumstances and how you feel in your relationship. I’ve seen both sides really, my parents were like you - dad paid 90% of the bills, mum paid groceries and car related expenses - when they separated she couldn’t prove she contributed to anything really and it became messy. I also saw a thread yesterday where someone said they felt betrayed they didn't know how much DHs take home pay was / how much business made - my immediate thought was how on earth do you not know how much your H of 10 years makes. We have everything joint - never had a single dispute about that. My salary comes in first so it pays the bulky bills and then when DPs comes in we live off that. The rest goes in savings pots which are in the joint acc.

And you’d be responsible too.

In your situation, if your DH ‘left’, how would you manage financially having to pay 100% of the bills?

Financial transparency is most important. Both people need to know what bills are being paid, monthly out goings etc
Bit shocked at couple mums froends who had no idea their household running costs as dh does everything.

We have separate savings accounts and there should be enough in each account to cover those things until probate sorts it.