AIBU to expect my husband to share night feeds and weekends?

The difference it makes is whether he feels he'd been trapped with another child, rather than actively agreeing to become a father again.

Sorry but that’s not good enough and his actions may cause irreparable damage to the relationship. How a man treats a woman when she’s at her most vulnerable says a lot about him. DP was my rock post partum. Seeing him as a doting father has made me love him even more.

Also women can’t be useless can they? We just get on with it!!

I think your problem may be a simple one of expecting him to know. He SHOULD know, I agree, but he clearly doesn’t.
You need to both sit down and work out a schedule that is fair to both of you. Then stick to it.

He’s useless (lots of men are in newborn stage) you’ve done exactly the right thing enlisting competent help. He has some big making up
to you to do at some point but ignore that for now and just focus on you and your babies wellbeing xx

Because if you didn’t have a conversation about these things before baby was born you probably have different expectations about who does what and also if you’d agreed before you would now be able to say to him don’t you remember what we agreed

Don't be ridiculous, that's no excuse whatsoever. Do you think social services would except this excuse if both parents had the 'expectation' the other would do it, and so the baby was neglected? No they wouldn't, its not a good enough excuse for a mother not to parent, so its not a good enough excuse for a man either.

Second reply in and someone has suggested the OP going out for the afternoon to make it fair. Not everyone wants to or can leave their 4 week
old baby for an afternoon!! Especially during birth recovery.

Hope you're okay, OP. I would say try not to make any decisions about your relationship while your baby is so young, and you're postpartum, though I agree absolutely your DP needs to step up.

• great to babysitter as long as it's one you trust
• get a system. Start sleeping in shifts. If DP has baby until 12 on a work night, go to bed at 7 if you have to, get 5 hours solid sleep. Can you agree one lie in each on the weekend?

I've seen people on here suggest all free time outside of work hours should be split equally.

My DH and I have been in shifts since our 14mo was born, only just starting to come out of it now he's sleeping almost through the night (breastfed). My DH has a full time job and a business and he would stay up overnight working (flexible hours), watch our DS and give him expressed milk for 4-5 hours while I slept between ages 6 weeks and 3 months. Then I took him back overnight but co slept and DH would have us on the monitor while working to check we were safe. He's also done majority of cleaning and dinner making. Neither of us have much free time though DH had more freedom to go to the gym, I could go to baby groups.

Because if you didn’t have a conversation about these things before baby was born you probably have different expectations about who does what and also if you’d agreed before you would now be able to say to him don’t you remember what we agreed.
In terms of agreement to having a child if he didn’t really want a child but you’ve talked him into it or he’s given in to make you happy then I could see where he may feel that he shouldn’t have to do his share.
For what it’s worth I think you really need to sit down with him now and get some agreements in place.
Maybe hubs and I talk too much! We even have a conversation about our expectations for holidays
so no one is disappointed and we both enjoy the holidays!

What difference does this make?

I have one of these (although not likely for much longer). Our DC is now 2 years old, and I’m kicking myself for not being firmer earlier on. I’m exhausted, bitter and checking out of our relationship.

I think a conversation is in order here, and a ‘rota’ system sorted. Just because you’re on mat leave (I assume) doesn’t mean the baby is only your full-time concern. Weekends need to be shared, at the very least.

Sound like there a lot of presuming rather than direct conversations and everyone knows what they are doing
wife used to go to bed about 9.30 I’d sit up till last feed wife did 2am feed then I was up for work at 6

He needs to pull his weight more, especially at weekends, so you get a break too.

That being said, when he does things like staying up with the baby, you seem to be taking an odd view of it and not sleeping anyway, so I can see why he might feel like there's not much point.

I don't understand the overfeeding thing. If a baby (bottle or boob), has enough, they stop eating. Also, watching TV, having a glass of wine, playing with your phone are perfectly normal things to do when looking after a baby. The half joke about mum's getting through a lot of box sets, is because TV often keeps us awake/helps, when glued to the sofa with a baby feeding/sleeping on us.

If he does the 11pm feed, can he also do the one prior, then you can feed go to bed and sleep, like proper sleep if your bone tired but not overtired, 7pm till 2am, get a 7 hour stretch in? It’s still not enough, but a few longer sleeps will really help.

What was agreed before baby came along?
Was he fully in agreement to having a child?

What a bloody cheek, running and golfing all day. And trying to deny you a babysitter . Livid on your behalf. Weekends are to be shared. He sounds a selfish bastard.

Why are you worried about him watching tv while having the baby? And how can the baby be overfed?

Yes he should be doing his fair share but are you " picking" on non important stuff?

Also posted too soon- weekends etc really should be shared. You should both get the chance to have some personal time and that little break. We have 2 now but we both give each other just some time every day whether its a long bath, gym, running, sitting in a quiet room😂 it’s so important.

If I’m being generous as baby is only 4 weeks old maybe he doesn’t yet realise that being at home with a baby isn’t all as easy as he might thinks so enforcing a few hours for him to be solo might be enough to change things!

Once my dh is asleep he doesn’t wake until his alarm so was useless at night feeds because I was always awake with the first cry.

so I did the 8pm feed, then went to bed, he did the 11pm feed when I was asleep then put baby to bed, meaning I had a good 6hrs sleep by the time the 3pm feed happened which I did and dh slept until alarm at 7pm.

sleep is so importnant, dh was useless during the night but was amazing at all other times and our routine worked well for both our children. It’s team work that makes everything work better.

edited to say that at the weekend we each got a long lie one of us got up the Saturday early with the baby and the other did the Sunday.

The nightfeeds weren’t share-able for us and both of mine have been breastfed and as brilliant as my husband is he simply doesn’t have the parts for that, but he would stay up with baby until about midnight and then got up with baby at 6ish after morning feed so I could close my eyes for another hour

The spare room thing is fine as long as you both have the opportunity to use it. I did the majority of the night feeds, but DH took over from 5am every morning and did one weekend night a week whilst I slept in the spare room. He also took over for three hours every evening when he got in from work which meant I had a guaranteed break every day. Early on I used this to sleep. Later on I’d go and meet up with friends sometimes too.

i agree your husband is being unreasonable here. I did all night feeds for all of my three babies as all fully breastfed. But my husband helped in other ways when he could. He’s a surgeon so is was gone long hours. But when he is off for the weekend he gets up with baby and children at 5/6am or whatever and I lie in until 8/9am. He takes out the older children in the afternoon so I can nap with baby and catch up on rest. he is 100% not spending family money and family time on golf. Especially in this newborn period, this is outrageous. You need a partner in parenthood not a man that simply continues his pre-baby life undisturbed.

Why don’t you just say to him when he wakes up this morning “I am doing all the night feeds, the early mornings and you plan on being out all of the day. Can you explain to me how this is fair?”

not asking him to do more, or he needs to do xyz. Just where does he see the fairness?

Unless impossible due to shift work/health concerns, if one person does the night feeds, then the other does the early morning. That way everyone has an opportunity for a solid chunk of sleep.

And agree with others that going out to run/play golf all day with a 4 week old is really selfish.

Well done for booking the babysitter! When I was younger I was the babysitter in a similar situation. The mum mostly slept while I was there.