AIBU to expect my husband to share night feeds and weekends?

There no instructions with babies and a combination or not knowing and lacking confidence can make anyone struggle and naturally pull back

I think of some of the errors I’d did I’m horrified but its a learning curve

it’s a fine line between stepping in and taking over ,hovering in the background and leaving them to it

He’s taking the piss with feeding the baby. If he’s a competent adult, he can understand basic points about feeding and comforting a baby. Yes, some of it takes practice, but he needs to do that before texting you that the baby is hysterical and you need to come back. Every parent has had a crying newborn they couldn’t soothe immediately! But he’s creating a situation where you can’t go out because he’ll give you the “you know the baby doesn’t settle for me, you can’t leave” bullshit, and then swan off himself.

I know way too many women who experience this. No excuse and he should be better but sadly many men find the adjustment much harder than mum.

I breastfed so my husband couldn't do night feeds, I wouldn't have expected him to if he was the one working and I was on mat leave, especially as he had an hour plus commute on the the motorway each way. But he did pull his weight in every other way, did all food shopping and cooking, put our other children to bed when it wasnt our first and generally just did his share of everything apart from night feeds. I didn't resent him for sleeping, he was happy to do the other things, it worked well. He didn't go playing golf for hours at the weekend, we spent time together, got house jobs done etc.

I breast fed all 6 of mine so i did all the night feeds. If you only have one child can you not rest when the wee one sleeps? If your husband is working full time i think he should get to sleep during the week but overall he does sound pretty useless. It should not be so tricky with one wee one.

Lots of good suggestions for split shifts and getting a block of sleep early/hour in the morning and a lie in each at the weekend. I tried all this but ultimately am 1 and done with an XH. Do try to talk it through though. He may just not have thought/assume there doesn't need to be 2 of you whilst baby is so small. I was advised not to take any big decisions for the first 12 months, it took longer in the end but it was good advice.

We.shared the night feeds for my first (bottle fed) 50-50 (swapping around 3am, and then going to alternate nights). With my BF baby that didn't work, but he took her and the toddler in the mornings as much as possible.

That being said, I wouldn't write off your whole marriage based on just one month of crappy parenting. He needs to pull his weight more, and develop competence with baby, he does need do this, and fairly quickly.

I wouldn't have had an issue with him being out for the day in terms of my ability to cope, but that's because I wasn't knackered, because we shared the nights. If have struggled more when they were older and harder work though.

More crucially though is that your life has changed, and he hasn't twigged yet that his needs to also. Saturdays aren't primarily just his time off anymore. Whether that's tagging in with the frazzled other parent, or entertaining them, or when they are older, birthday parties, clubs, family activities etc, the needs of the children have to be factored in now. Your weekends have changed for the next decade at least, and his need to as well. Personal time, whilst important, is no discussed and arranged with the other person, because of the kids.

It's a marathon not a sprint though, so what matters is him getting this, not him being clueless at the start.

His life hasn’t changed has it? I think you need to be very clear with him that you are effectively a single parent and if he doesn’t step up very quickly you will be asking him to move out, claim child maintenance and then at least you’ll get a rest every other weekend!!

he is still in bed now and planning go to running this morning and golfing all afternoon.

Absolute piss take.
If he goes i wpuld honestly go out for the day tomorrow - let him do a 8 hr block solo.

I had 2 under 2.
This morning my dh took our 2 and 4 Yr out for the morning off his own back and prepped and too everything needed. He coparents.
He didnt "come" that way.... it was work for everyone.

Die on this hill now.

If he is shit at looking after the baby the onpy way he will improve is with practice.

We also did a shift system. Dh did 6/7-12 every night for the first few months id sleep then we would "swap" and I'd do 12-5/6 /then we'd give me an hour.

With feeding
"Johnny since you can feed the baby safely with your phone/ tv and wine... you are going to need to leave your phone in the kitchen and feed the baby in the bedroom. You also cant have alcohol in the week. If you can demonstrate you are capable of not ignoring and choking the baby once these are removed we can review. Im sure you can handle no pokemon go for 15 mins...."

It's so so unsexy but you need to line mange the hell out of him or you will be trapped
I cannot overstate this enough.

Yeah he’s taking the piss massively. Weaponised incompetence wrt feeding the baby- were you born knowing how to feed a baby or have you learned pdq!? If he’s able to hold down a job he can learn to feed his son properly.

A whole day out is just beyond. If he wants you to do it all he needs to find somewhere else to live so he’s not getting in your way.

Your sleep takes priority over his run and golf. He needs to cancel both and send you back to bed. Absolutely ridiculous.

getting a nany will just make him more inclined not to do anything

I e never shared night feeds did them all myself ex would take the babies in the morning while I napped not ideal just sharing

No it's not ok. Neither are the endless hobbies. You are parents now, don't fall into the trap!

You are not unreasonable to expect him to do more so you can get some rest. What this looks like may vary. I don't know how often you are bottle feeding as I breast fed so my H couldn't really help. However, he would do bathtime in the evening to give me a break and would take DS in the morning after his first feed so I could have a lie in.

My H worked nights and this worked really well for us. I used to go to bed with DS when H went to work around 9pm and then he would wake every couple of hours especially in those early months. I found co-sleeping a huge help but that only really works the same if you are breastfeeding.

Could you go to bed early after an early evening feed say 8pm and your DH do the late one around midnight before he goes to bed? Then you do the night ones? Or could he do the first one before he goes to work so you can have a lie in? He could definitely do the first feed on a weekend.

I would be ok with him going running OR golfing but not both and would him to do the first feed and then take baby out for a walk or something if you need to catch up on sleep or for to do something together if you fancy it.

You have to work out what works for your family, and I don't necessarily think he needs to be the one getting up during the night but he should be pulling his weight and he isn't.

I did 100% of feeds as breastfeeding, my my (now ex) h did look after
my babies later in the evening after the mid evening feeds so i could sleep and certainly no golf or sports for the first 3 months or so. I don’t think modern men get it these days based on what I read, we had zero paternity leave and much shorter maternity leave yet managed better it seems from Mumsnet

God I’ m livid for you, your H is a prick!! You need to talk to him and lay down the boundaries a 30 min run I could live with, but not a whole day of the things he wants to do - at significant emotional cost to you. He is a Dad now, to a baby presumably he wanted too!

I am not sure I could get past this incompetence and selfishness and it’s sad you quite rightly don’t think you could have another child with him. Longer term you really need to think about what you want and leave this idiot behind.

When I was on mat leave and DH was working, we did what others have said, he looked after baby until the 11-12 feed and then I took over - I went to bed at 8-9 so I could have interrupted sleep. Take care and please don’t think you have to put up with his bullshit.

he was messaged me the whole time - come back now he is hysterical
Completely unacceptable. I’m not surprised you are worried. I would be too.

Probably a controversial reply here but I think the mums are on maternity leave for a reason. They can sleep through the day with the baby if need be but the dad cant sleep when at work. So mums do night feeds. Also they may be breastfeeding which the dad obviously cant do.
But then on a weekend if not at work then the dad needs to take his turn too.

@ I read somewhere that you never forget how you were treated around the time of childbirth and postpartum. That was certainly true in my case. I was never able to let go of the resentment, secretly vowed to get my ducks in a row, and checked out when the time was right (for me!)

It is tough but every couple varies. I EBF and so I personally don’t see any point in my husband waking up in the night to help when he’s working because there’s nothing he can do. BUT he does help with other stuff like cleaning / cooking. Would your husband prefer to help in other areas so you could get a rest then? I mean it you’re worried about him being distracted when he bottle feeds? You could catch some sleep when the baby sleeps whilst he’s cooking you dinner?

I say this with kindness OP, I’m not sure what you want? You want him to take turns with nights and weekends but at the same time you say you don’t trust him and prefer to just do it yourself?

He will learn, just like every parent learns, but only if he is given the time and space to.