AIBU to expect my husband to share night feeds and weekends?

Hmm - there may be some young, fit men for whom getting up multiple times in the night for extended periods is no worse than a school day night out however even short term they would need the most basic of jobs with a commute that doesn’t need attention and focus. Even I. jobs that don’t risk life and limb of others, a level competency and delivery is required - there is no free pass for being a parent.

My personal view (and I did have a section-and complications) was that I would have liked two nights of not doing the night feeds, corresponding to when my partner didn’t need to be in work the next day, as I was on mat leave with just the new baby. I could and did nap in the day however, short periods of 10 minutes or even a couple of hours don’t make up for a whole night of continuous sleep. Obviously couples need to find what works for them.

A father with an ordinary job doesn’t need sleep more than a mother recovering from pregnancy and birth and doing most of the parenting.

@Lisbonismycity it’s inexcusable. I’m not sure how your birth went but 4 weeks is still early doors for your body recovering. It’s crazy when you think about it that you go through such a tough process AND then get to take on the toughest job in the world rather than get a few weeks complete rest.

I really empathise with what you say. I sometimes cynically wonder if some men are so supportive of breast feeding precisely because it gets them off the hook. I had major issues with breast feeding and should have stopped trying much earlier than I did. I was hallucinating with tiredness. I particularly hated what several pp mention re: going to bed at 7 and getting up at 12. I did it but felt it wasn’t a proper sleep, I felt sidelined, not relaxed at all… I remember someone offering to babysit once so we could go out in the evening. I was just furious that my partner thought I could just skip that sleep and/or readjust. Of course I was the misery…

My ideal would have been for my partner to do 2 nights a week. He could have done as I had to mix feed. I badly resented his refusal but was too punch drunk with tiredness to sort the issue out and would never have gone to the brink where my baby’s welfare was concerned. This continued into toddlerhood and I ended up cosleeping just to get a decent night of sleep. I was a seething pit of anger annd resentment.

And my partner? Well, I can’t say if this is universal and it is no excuse but as time went one he did more and more until at plus ten years, he does all the school runs, medical appointments, clubs and getting ready for schools as well as organising stuff for school holidays. So much so that I occasionally feel bad that I pretty much take it for granted that I can work unrestricted. If I feel guilty, I remember those early days.

While I agree he needs sleep to work on work nights, he should be helping out at nights on the weekends and also not disappearing for whole days. With both of mine I mainly did the night feeds but my husband used to look after my first from 6pm to 9pm so I could go upstairs and have a proper rest before the night started. Your husband needs to realise his life has changed and he needs to adjust. Both me and my husband consult the ach other before booking things like a day of golf etc to ensure plans don't clash etc. it will get easier overnight, with less wakings over time but for now he needs to step up and if your doing all work nights maybe he can do Friday and or Saturday night so you get at least one full night's sleep. Try also to sleep when baby sleeps, the washing and cleaning can wait x

I breastfed so did 100% of overnights. My husband slept in the spare room. My son didn't sleep for more than 30-40 minutes until he was near 7 months I'd say.

However, it worked for us because a) my DH did everything else.. he made sure the house was clean, we were all fed, he'd take over as soon as he'd come in the door, he'd make me a cup of tea whilst I was stuck under a sleeping baby. We did introduce 1 bottle a day in the evening (formula or breastmilk). I would feed at 8 or 9, put baby down in moses basket and then my husband would give the bottle the next time it was needed and pop baby into the next to me in my room so by the time he was due another feed I had a good few hours sleep. My husband went to bed at 11 or 12 so wasn't tired for work.

At the weekends we'd sometimes do the bottle during the day instead and he might take him out for a walk and bring the baby bottle so I could have a few hours alone whether it be for a shower or bath or just to do housework etc.

One time he dis overfeed the baby... spit up everywhere... baby crying etc. But he learned from it. He didn't do it again. You seem to be jumping in and taking over instead of letting your husband find his feet! He'll never learn or even feel capable if you keep swooping in.

Also, he probably feels he can't cope with the baby alone if he was ringing for you to come back. Again he needs to just get on with it.

My DH did full solo days from 6 months when I went back to work... he was annoyed that I had written out a "schedule" for him but I secretly noticed he kept looking at it and wa ultimately grateful.

I would say the first 3 months were very very tough. Babies are clingy. Mothers tend to cope better because we tend to do it more and are more accustomed and tuned in to the different cries of a baby.

He's done a parkrun today and still went off to play golf for another5/6 hours?? what a useless prick would be my thought tbh.

Have you had a conversation with him about this? Told him you’re struggling and you need him to step up, cut down hobbies etc. I think his reaction to an honest conversation would say a lot and would determine your future. If there’s still no change after that, then it would be done for me.
What does he say when you’ve shown/explained how and when to feed baby properly. My DH also had a habbit of going straight for a feed when baby was unsettled but he did try and settle first. Babies naturally settle more for their mum’s and my DH struggled with this (more because he felt useless) but after one conversation re feeding, he stopped doing it and just did his best to settle (taking baby out for walks etc).
Also, in regard to him not wanting nay to have a dummy - when he starts acting like a parent he can have a say in said parenting. Till then, give baby a dummy. It also reduces the chances of SIDs. Both mine had one and we reduced use to sleep only around a year old and got rid completely before they turned two problem.

In the immediate time, head out somewhere for a whole day.

That should give him ‘time and space’ to improve his parenting.

Ultimatum time.

What do you mean he ‘overfed’ your baby and that you worry about him parenting alone in the late evening? Do you think his parenting is unsafe?

If you’re doing separate rooms thing you should do 3 nights in the spare room and him 4: you’re recovering from pregnancy and birth and need adequate sleep to be safe for yourself and DC. That is at least as important as his sleep for work. (i had multiple near miss accidents, a couple with DC1, due to sleep deprivation)

Do you think mums get "time and space" to feed their babies without choking them? Or are women expected to do it straight away without fucking it up. Didn't realise having a dick means you get a few months to cotton on to performing basic tasks while an overtired post partum woman acts as your personal tutor. Don't forget the golf day off when doing fuck all gets tiring!!

I have 3 children, no one else ever got up with them in the night unfortunately .
Only me 😭
when I had baby #2 , I got so very tired and I decided I’d just tell my husband , not ask him , that he was going to give the late night feed and I’d make up a bottle ( my BF was well established so I felt that would be ok to do that once per day , I had trouble expressing so it had to be formula )
So at least I could head to bed very early and I’d do middle of night and early morning feed .
baby #3 I did it all 🙁 but I I did find a once a fortnight cleaning lady .
It sounds like your husband needs a bit of training as to how to feed your new baby .
A dummy will help , you absolutely don’t want baby vomiting and windy because they are over fed .
And the babysitter for help is a good idea if you have the funds .
I didn’t do that and I still feel fed up about it .
My husband really had no idea how hard work it was , especially with 3 children.
I believe he thought I was just faffing about all day

What a disgrace he is. I'm sorry for you OP. My sister's baby is a month old too, and her DH has left them alone for "his" stuff (ie not taking the baby out or doing errands for her and baby) twice - both times to go to work due to urgent crisis (he's a dr). Yours has done it twice in a day!! And it's frankly embarrassing he can't safely feed his own child.

I think I was in bed by 9pm at the latest when DC were babies and we each got a lie in/got up with DC on either a Saturday or Sunday.

When things were bad at night DH would get up anytime before 2am and would do after 2am and get up at 4/5am when DC wanted to start their day.

Your DH needs to do more. Look after yourself.

This is what we did when DH went back to work and I was still on mat leave - I would do nights sat - wed mid week and then he would do Thursday & Friday night (he had chill Fridays so could afford to not sleep well on the Thursday). I did Saturday night as thought it’s fair that he gets one weekend night where he gets to go to bed and have a sleep in.

I cannot believe your husband off on long outings without you so soon OP!

Mid week alone with a baby during mat leave is really tough, the weekends were when I finally had someone to share the load with so would expect DH to absolutely be there most of the day. The weekends are also his only time to bond with baby, so it’s kind of sad that he’s happy to be out of the house for half of it.

You need to sit him down as he sounds really crap. Hopefully just an oversight and if you explain he’ll improve.

Maybe you’re acting too much like you’ve got your act together? I was extremely weepy lol so probably it was obvious I needed DH around. Also he doesn’t play golf, thank god! The worst hobby a man can have 😆

He is being unreasonable. 100% you should be splitting night feeds on the weekends, if anything he does more so you get the sleep he’s getting during the week.
With both our dc for the first few months, my husband did the first shift with them till 12/1am and I slept then I took over so he could sleep. He can manage find on 7 hours sleep a night. We did until they were down to 1/2 wake ups a night then I took over during the week completely.
The hobbies - fine as long as it’s equal and you get the same opportunity I guess. Every couple does things differently

Unfortunately, your experience is representative of many

Won't help if she doesn't trust him to look after the baby so won't sleep.

If she wants him to do a fair share of looking after the baby then she needs to let him figure out how to do it himself rather than hovering about feeling critical and superior with the grand total of 4 weeks experience of parenthood

This may overstep the mark, what type of partner was he before you had a child? Are you surprised he's behaving this way?

OP nip this in the bud sooner rather than later.

Due to my dh's work committments I have pretty done all overnights since my dd was born (she just turned one). Even when he tries to help he struggles to settle her as she is so used to me doing it and honestly it is exhausting.

He always gets up with her at the weekend mornings and tries to give me a break but in your situation I would be telling him to step up.

The point I’m ‘ridiculously’ making as you so rudely put it! Is that I can’t believe that an important life changing event like having a baby and there seems to have been no discussion beforehand about what that will look like!
I’m shocked by the amount of posts on MN in general that would have never been an issue if couples just bloody talked to each other! I can’t believe it’s so bloody complicated to have a sodding conversation with the person you’re married to!! And if it is so difficult to have a conversation with that person why on earth did they get into and continue a relationship with them!!

I do agree with this, and I do think sometimes some mothers can be too quick to jump in. But it doesn’t sound like this man is desperate to be given the opportunity to do it. OP went out and he was calling her back! And now he’s out for the whole day.

100% agree with no big decisions in first 12 months.

You are 4 weeks in. Its still very new... he may well get with the program after a few more conversations/ arguments.

You do also need to step back so he can step up. As lame as it is... lots of praise to build his confidence.

Also its important to keep in mind Everything is a phase and you can "wait out" the problem.
Eg. Reflux and neverending winding goes away... Teething eventually goes away, the toddle will potty train (poorly fitted nappies are no longer an issue) etc etc

My friend has a useless husband son is 4 and things are much easier shes staying with him.

another has a just 3 and 14m old and is about to leave her husband. He is useless hates her and isnt trying to meet her halfway.

I think if the relationship is dying on the vine and he has no interest in meeting you half way you are better of breaking up when your DS is young (3 or under I'd say based looking at my own children's awareness)