AIBU to expect my husband to share night feeds and weekends?

Actually its very easy to overfeed a bottlefed baby.

And its true you cant with a breastfed. They fall asleep when full. They adapt at self - regulating intake and signalling fullness

You are not overfeeding them when theyre clusterfeeding. Its something they need to do to establish the milk supply.

This is ridiculous OP he sounds absolutely useless I am so sorry

FFS. DH is a barrister, having a stressful job is no excuse for poor parenting. On days he wasn't in court he got up with the babies after I had done an early morning feed (breastfeeding) and took them downstairs until such time as they needed to feed again so I could get some undisturbed sleep. Where your baby is bottlefed there is no excuse for him not doing as much as you when you are both home, it is weaponised incompetence. Every time he is home make him do the feed while you watch until he does it right (not that you should have to but long term it will be in your interests). Once you are satisfied he is competent, you should get as much free time as each other.

Totally agree! My dh was up with me for both our ds. I fed them then he winded changed and settled them. Never even occurred to me that he shouldn’t be up through the night because he was working the next day. I was in charge of a human the next day so seemed reasonable that I should be well rested for that! Maybe in hindsight that was a bit selfish of me but it worked for us and we’re still happily married now so can’t have been too bad a move.

Bottle fed babies generally stop eating when they are full, just like breast fed ones.

The 'you can't overfeed a breast fed baby' is also a but misleading. It's one of those baby mantras with good intentions but isn't wholly true*. Because (1) you can't see how much a bf baby is taking (2) cluster feeding is a thing (3). With some (but not so) women, babies have to work hard to get the milk out, so don't do it if they are full. So it's easier to do the worrying by saying you can't overfeed them, because otherwise mum's stress that their baby ate half an hour ago and so can't possibly be hungry, don't feed, and it screws up supply and means a hungry baby. Equally, just like with bottle fed babies, most will stop when they are full, but some because of reflux etc, may continue for comfort and make themselves sick. It's just easier to see when that's a risk with bottle fed babies, so you do, whereas your give breast fed ones the benefit of the doubt more. There's nothing magical in best milk which means a baby can ingest unlimited qualities.

*like food before one just being for fun is meant to stop parents stressing.

I breast fed so did all the feeding. DH pulled his weight in other ways. You don't have to split every job between you. It is better to play to your strengths. You will be parenting this child for many years and there will be times when you are having a tougher time and times when husband is. At 4 weeks in, it is bound to be tougher on the mother. It is the same for everyone.

I have a stressful job. I vividly remember working until 2 or 3am up until 2 weeks before giving birth. I remember taking work calls while I was in hospital with maternity complications at 7 months pregnant.

And I also remember doing every single night wake even when I went back to work at 6 months post partum. My son didn't sleep through until he was 2. I breastfed hence why I did all the nights but my DH stepped up in other ways, cooking cleaning baby baths & taking the baby when he wasn't working so I could have a break / so I could sleep earlier if needed / so I could do some housework. He regularly took the baby out on a Sunday morning for a coffee so I could have a sleep in and a non-rush shower.

All this to say that Having a Job doesn't negate anyone's responsibility as a parent! Granted, he didn't take to it as quickly as I did but he got there.

I hope you had a conversation with him last night? If not, today is a new day and you should really spell out to him how you need help when he isn't at work. Baby is your 'job' when he's working but 100% shared after that.

@Lisbonismycity
Your updates 💔
I feel for you.
His job being stressful and long hours doesnt explain much of anything.. you didnt know he'd fuck off all day on a jolly at the weekends when you were recovering from birth with a newborn did you????

My advice is:

• Prioritise yourself and the baby.
• Get him to do what you can / he is willing to do.
• Buy in / accept any and all help you can
• Preserve your own financial assets. I am saying a small prayer you arent "paying 50/50" while on mat leave.

Where they take more than they need. Cant overfeed breastfed baby though.

Not something I've heard of. Please explain

Bottle fed babies can be overfed

Stressful office job, I assume? That’s awful he said that. The time for him to do so would be before marriage and ttc.

@BlackCatThinking Many, many mothers and fathers fulfil our responsibilities at work fine while sharing parenting at night. Yes, it’s exhausting. Not to the extent of being unable to perform. It’s not more important for a man to be ‘fresh’ for his office job than his partner to be well enough to safely parent their baby.

Sleeping in shifts really helped up in the early days. I went to bed at 7 and got up at midnight then took over so he still got a good 6 hours sleep for work and I’d got a good chunk beforehand.
that said, in time my DD stopped taking a bottle from anyone but me (still the case) so I did all night feeds from there and at the time was pretty pissed off but upon speaking to friends, it seems pretty common that mums do all the night feedings and once I’d accepted he was great in other ways we just eventually fell into a routine that worked.

The golfing this early on is a bit much, I think it was a probably after 6 months my partner resumed golf every now and again. You do both need down time without the baby, but we all know golf takes an eternity!

With my DD, once DH returned to work (only 2 weeks paternity leave) he would do the late feed at around 10pm then put her to bed. I would go to bed at around 8pm so usually managed to get 6 hours sleep before she woke for her night feed. We never slept in different bedrooms but DD went in her own room at 3 months old because we kept waking her up! He would need to leave the house by 7am to get to work so I generally did the morning feed and have a quick shower before he left.
At weekends, we took it in turns to get up in the night, and each had a lie in on Saturday or Sunday. I saw it as mainly my responsibility to look after the baby whilst on maternity leave as he was out of the house 11 hours a day 5 days a week. I was able to have a nap most afternoons whilst the baby was sleeping. He did all the laundry and food shop at weekends, plus housework on Saturday mornings.
Your baby is only 4 weeks old - it’s very early days for both of you and it’s exhausting. It will get better!

First of all you are not insane. He is a terrible husband and father.

He can't plan his days like this. There is a baby to look after now. Sort this out quick xx

Bloody hell. I wouldn't dignify the 'we don't need a babysitter' nonsense with an answer and I'm glad you went ahead anyway. If my partner did that and his mum found out she'd rip him a new one.

It makes me wonder if there's anyone in your DH's life who could give him a bit of a wake up call? (Obviously it would be nice if the wellbeing of HIS WIFE AND CHILD were enough for that, but hey ho.)

You also sound like you're at risk of becoming the default parent so definitely don't turn down anything he does do - as long as he doesn't put the baby at risk. You don't want to give him an excuse to be even less involved.

Yes, but I went back to work at 16 weeks. He then had 10 weeks of shared parental leave (his was full pay, mine was SMP). I still did the night wakes. Without a shadow of a doubt being at work was easier (I will caveat this by saying I am not a Surgeon!). He spent the days with his Mum or sister.

My BIL is a neurosurgeon and a much more present and capable father to my sister's newborn than this waster

unless he’s a brain surgeon or a HGV driver, work isn’t an excuse

I think he is bang out of order not to be doing day time parenting at weekend. My husband took baby out in the buggy first thing so I could have a lie in. Although he never did any nights as I breastfed and he slept in spare room. He can’t do no nights and no days wtf

I’d be having very strong words with him about on what planet he thinks this is acceptable! Does he want me to leave him? Is he deliberately acting out so appallingly to try to make me go? If not, what is his goal? Why the hell would I stick around if he exercises a combination of weaponised incompetence towards his infant and utter selfishness? I’d tell him if he is not willing to raise his child does he want me to move back in with my family to avoid raising the child alone? I’m not going to beg and plead with him to raise his own child so let me know if he wants to be a father or not. If I see no change in 2 weeks I’m gone.

The early weeks are SOOOOO TOUGH.

For I'd say the first 2 or 3 weeks, mayeb even more, I used to nap on the couch every evening... as soon as baby was fed I handed to Dad and yeah he watched TV on low volume and either held baby or changed baby and put in bassinet etc but as soon as I was done feeding I literally lay back down. I was breastfeeding so baby was pretty clung to me early on so this is how we managed. I was getting F all sleep and I needed that rest.

Maybe you could try something like that for a week if you aren't 100% comfortable with him sorting the baby alone?

Also, I think you need to genuinely sit down and tell him that you need to plan weekends etc better so he's doing a bit more as you are 24/7 and the only way the baby will get used to him is more time together and also.you will burn out and get ill.

A run in the morning is fine, as long as he's coming home and picking up the slack. A day out with his mates at 4 weeks when you're shattered ISNT OK.

is he home now, can you raise it with him?