AIBU to expect my husband to share night feeds and weekends?

ahh I must have missed the bottle fed part. It's still very important a mother 4 weeks post partum eats well to recover from the birth and have enough energy to cope with the demands of a newborn.

How is that relevant to a bottle fed baby?

Oh OP. if you don't eat enough & stay hydrated you won't produce enough milk and you'll make yourself ill. Your DH should be cooking you nutritious meals etc when he is home. He has to feed himself after all doesn't he?

Neither my bottle fed baby not my breastfed baby overfed.

Lon, I'm not denying it's possible, and that it happens with bottle fed babies. Just that it can and does sometimes happen with breast fed babies too, just less often.

It doesn't help that formula companies have ridiculous quantities listed on their boxes, presuming large 3/4 hourly feeds, when many babies prefer little and often.

The issue here is that the baby's dad isn't being responsive to baby. He's not following baby's full cues, and this is a baby who carries on eating, rather than one who moderates.

I EBF so I did night feeds 7 nights a week. For this reason, my husband did 7 early mornings a week. For a year. There was no weekend sharing here. He got up with her at 5-6am every morning until her next feed at 8-9am (left for work at 830am midweek).
He also did every nappy change when he was home and cooked most meals.
I’m sharing this so that you can understand that men really can and should do their ‘fair share’ (even if bottles aren’t used).
Your H is a shockingly neglectful husband.

My breastfed babies didnt overfeed. All im saying is its most likely bottlefed

OP, you will never forget nor forgive that he has turned out to be a selfish loser.

1. Tell family and friends the truth.
2. Feel under no obligation to ever have sex with him again.
3. Start planning your escape quietly but firmly, evdn if you have to wait a while.
4. Stock up on supermarket cards that you can accumulate for when you leave.

1. Spend as much family money on babysitters so you get to rest.

He's a shit husband and father and you need to protect yourself and your health.

Reach out to family and let them know the truth.
He's a dusgrace.

I've worked in breast feeding support for nearly 17 years. In my experience, lots of babies overfeed.

We will have to agree to disagree.

Because my bottlefed baby overfed.

No. It's a reassuring mantra.

Back in ye olde days, bottle teats automatically let out milk. Current ones which are variflow, allow the baby to control and stop the flow of milk which means they can manage the flow. Both breast and bottle fed babies tend to fall asleep when they are full, no difference there.

I wasn't disputing that cluster feeding isn't overfeeding. I was saying that misconceptions about that have partially lead to this mantra because some people do get concerned about the frequency of feeds, and they don't need to! Its a reassuring mantra designed to calm new mums, and for most babies it's correct, but it's not an absolute. These things never are. Babies that are uncomfortable might take in too much, for example.

Sorry OP, but you appear to have had a baby with a bit of a dick. You need a proper chat. At 4 weeks, spending the whole day golfing is ridiculous when you've been alone with the baby all week and doing all the nights.
I'd suggest the following;

• a proper chat to explain a baby is a shared responsibility
• ask him what relationship he wants with his child and how he sees family life, what dad does he want to be - some dads genuinely think a once a week family roast dinner (cooked by wife) is enough, and that kids are a mothers responsibility. This will tell you what life he has in his head and if it matches yours.
• if he wants a proper shared relationship with his kids it starts now. Bonding is from the word go. He should set aside Dad time for his baby, for just them, right now it will be a pram walk or a tv and cuddle but at 5 years old it'll be swimming, football, museum trips etc. He needs to be in the practice of having the baby alone now. During this time you should sleep, rest, do things for you. My dh had Saturday mornings, from baby wake at 5am till 12 lunchtime, at the start he'd walk round the park with a coffee, by 12 months they'd swim etc. He does this with our 10 ans 7 yr old now (amongst other stuff).
• next - what partner does he want to be, because you are struggling and he is golfing, is that the partner he wants to be?
• nights need an agreed process so everyone is clear who gets up. During weekends it's 50/50 , during the week it's up to you guys what feels fair
• you need to not micro manage him, he will do it wrong (so will you sometimes) give him some grace and allow him to mess up so long as he fixes the mess. If he doesn't take spare clothes out and has to deal with a poo blow put- he deals with it. Guess what, he will remember next time.

If when you have the chat and you ask him what fanily life and fatherhood looks like to him, be prepared to be disappointed. You can't force him to want to be an equal partner, you can only control your own behaviour after you hear his perspective. Personally if he says he isn't interested in being a proper dad and partner then I'd plan to leave. Only you know what you will put up with and whether leaving is an option. Think about how you imagine family life and motherhood- you guys need to align to both be happy, if you don't align you'll be resentful and he will be confused why you're annoyed all the time. You need a shared vision and life goals.

So he gets the spare room to be well rested for work, but you get next to no sleep to look after another human being all day and all night? Run and golf? What an absolutely useless father and husband.

My favourite thing in life is correcting people when they say how hard it is to go it "alone" as a single parent. Nah my life has been a lot easier than all the married single mums I've come across.

My husband generally didn’t do the night feeds. We agreed whilst I was on mat leave, I would do the night wake ups (because even when he did, he would take so long to wake up that I was awake anyway and couldn’t get back to sleep whilst the baby was crying) and he would get up in the mornings at the weekend to let me catch up on some sleep. We did try for a while one of us did the night wake ups on night and the other did the next night, switching who got up in the morning - but because of him struggling to wake, I just ended up getting less sleep).

He used to stay up much later than me - til around midnight. The baby would wake around 11pm. So I would either stay up till that feed, or go to bed early. If I went early, I asked my husband to do the 11pm feed if he were still up and awake. He agreed every time. But then every single time he would be in bed by 10pm. Without fail. Selfish twat.

Your partner should be pulling his weight. If he’s working & you aren’t, it’s fairer for you to do more wake ups but only if you get a chance to sleep when the baby naps during the day. At the weekend, you should be splitting night wake ups and morning get ups between you.

Good luck. Yet another man who thinks his life shouldn’t change when he has a child.

So these are things that your DH needs to be prioritising (I know he was out... thats not acceptable).

My son was CLINGY! My DH made sure I had a cup of tea, made every single meal or else took the baby so I could make a meal, made sure there were easy to grab snacks around the house when he was out at work.

Your job is to mind baby and recover, his job is to mind you!

I only questioned the anxiety because your previous comments have mentioned you wanting him to do more but not trusting him with the baby, and also you are currently sitting right next to them and you said you feel anxious.

Of course tiredness will feed into the anxiety but it's a vicious circle. Maybe today he could take the baby for a few hours and you can batch cook some small portions of meals you can reheat throughout the week for yourself? It will make him spend time.with the baby and prep you a little.

Or there are lots of food services where you can buy maternity packages of a weeks meals (so healthy, iron rich meals for breakfast lunch and dinner that you can eat from the fridge or reheat). Even 2 weeks of these meals will ensure you keep your strength up until you feel a bit more up to it. Couple that with getting extra sleep when the babysitter is here and then just being more assertive with your DH will all really help your mood!

Post partum is TOUGH! Your hormones are going crazy, you are all of a sudden expected to know everything about parenting, yoh have absolutely zero time for anything and your relationship is tested to the limits. It won't always be like this but YOU need to stand up for yourself.

Wake him and tell him you’re off out for breakfast (if you can leave bubs at the moment, and no shade if you don’t want to).
He wouldn’t be invited, you would be taking a small part of the massive amount of him-time he took unilaterally yesterday, and you would be using it to meet your basic needs as he’s failing to support you in that task because he’s being a selfish dickhead.

Girl you need to have a serious conversation with him now this cannot go on. Your basically a single parents while he hasn’t made any adjustments to his life. Going out golfing all afternoon with a newborn at home is digusting in my opinion. You need the rest as you body is still healing.

yes he’s working so he needs sleep but you are in charge of another life on your own all day & need sleep

I think your anxiety is also contributing somewhat... you want him to do more but you're also afraid to let him do any more?

Why are you anxious now?

Absolutely true in my case too.

OP go out for a few hours today. If he asks what you're doing tell him you're having your day off like he did yesterday as you're assuming this works both ways.

They dont always pull away. Not saying all babies do it. But can happen.

I didn’t bottle feed but was unaware a baby could be overfed, don’t they pull away from the bottle when full in the same way they do breast?

That aside, since he can help during the night he absolutely should. My DH would wake up to do nappy changes sometimes so at least he was helping with what he could. He also used to drive two of them around in the middle of the night sometimes when they wouldn’t settle! He wouldn’t have been off golfing all day when they were 4 weeks old for heavens sake, I wouldn’t have stood for it!

He needs to pull his weight frankly.

Not being unreasonable at all. With both of our children my partner and I alternated nights with them from the day they were born. They’re 2.5 and 10 months now and we still do it (my oldest is a great sleeper, the youngest not so much), so it means every other night we each get a good nights sleep. Totally prevented sleep exhaustion in the early stages with both newborns

So have you spoken with him about his behaviour- how you can’t just move on from the novelty of a baby, you’ve both chosen to create a new person together and he doesn’t get to dip out whenever he feels like it? Stressful profession my arse, if that was a reason not to parent it should also have been a reason not to choose to become a parent.

I don’t blame you for being angry and getting the ick.