To not want to talk to my neighbours?

Ive lived in my house for 14 years and dont know my neighbours name (directly next door-semi detached with us) we call him 'army trouser guy' because he lives in army print cargos. I know 2 neighbours names opposite-one because my puppy years ago went into their house through the open door and the other because he gave my daughter a bike when he was clearing out his shed. The 2 I know the names of I tend to wave at or say hello but thats it. Army trouser guy we have the rarest exchange of words about once in a blue moon. He once let my friend park on his drive when we had a party. None of my street are 'unfriendly' we just live in the SE. Its not common here. Personally I would hate a 20 minute conversation for no reason except because I had just moved in and it would also make me anxious about future conversations because I like to keep myself to myself. I enjoy privacy at home, its a sanctuary from the world. In all honesty I wouldnt have stood there 20 minutes in the first place, I would have cut it off quicker. I think from now on just start as you mean to go on. Short and sweet and head down. They can like it or lump it, you arent obliged to be a chatty neighbour. People think this means miserable/unfriendly but its not really. Its like when you dont talk to people on the tube because you are all forced to be close together-so its rude to impose. They dont know that, they are just assuming you will enjoy the chatter, but you dont and thats ok!

OP, this makes me really sad.

I live in a small village where yes, most of us talk to one another (or at least acknowledge in passing) - it's called a community. We live very near a small market town where again, people who know one another stop in the street and have a chat. It is bloody lovely! I can see the benefits in living in a city but this is something I'd miss horribly. Yes, it can mean you pop out to get a couple of things done but it takes 50 minutes because you bumped into 3 casual friends/acquaintances, but honestly, it's a joy. Connecting with other people who care, or at least care enough to pass the time of day with you for a few minutes. It's not just people you know either - people in shops, market stalls, bus drivers, passers by - there's just a friendly culture round here. And on country walks, it is the LAW to nod and smile, or say 'hello' to anyone you pass on the path. Sorry.

I can imagine that if you're not used to it, it's just really weird, but I used to live in two cities (one of them a capital) and adapted to life in this part of southern England very happily.

There's a genuine problem with loneliness in the UK. Maybe saying 'hello' to a neighbour while putting the bins out won't cure it but living in a small community where there's this sort of casual connectivity really helps. It makes older people feel less invisible and solo people feel part of a larger community.

We have a lady in our road who we have nicknamed Brian May- looks a lot like him( sorry BM) and round the road is a lady we call Charlie Drake for the same reason. Keeps us amused.

Makes no difference, city, town, village. Some people are more chatty than others. Some like the community feel others don’t. Nothing to do with the type of place you live in.

I would hate that. I really feel for you. You’re not there to entertain strangers. I’d just nod and keep moving.

It’s like everything else - if everyone is happy to do it then great. But not everyone wants to do it

It’s just people chatting ?

Surely it’s much sadder that they had no actual family or friends to miss them? I would never want to rely on neighbours to check up on me.

I have great neighbours on either side and if we bump into each other we’ll chat, and do favours for each other. But I do generally keep myself to myself and I’m not going to be popping over for drinks or anything. We all understand each other’s boundaries and despite being a solitary person by nature, it’s nice to know that neighbours are looking out for me and vice versa.

It’s interesting that people who insists on talking to the new neighbours don’t have sufficient social skills to pick up on someone being uncomfortable or bored or busy.

I think it’s fair to smile and say hello if you recognise a neighbour but surely anything more than that only happens if both people are amenable to it,

FFS - once more…

You move into a new home generally because you like it. It might be near work, school, family or none of the above.

The last thing most people consider is the type of neighbours they are likely to live near.

How are you supposed to know what the neighbours are like until you have moved in?

How are you supposed to know whether they are the ‘smile and wave’ type, the ‘don’t really speak to anyone’ type or the ‘need to know everyone’s business so they can spread it round the neighbourhood in order to look interesting’ type?

And, if they are the gregarious type, are you saying people should either join in or move out? How pathetic. Not wanting to be involved in it the minutiae of the lives of those who happen to live nearby does not make anyone ‘snooty’ (seriously, are you 10?) or antisocial.

Perhaps the Stepford-style areas could have a sign up to indicate that people are only welcome if they join in with everything.

This happened with a lovely elderly neighbour who I actually adored but who would often want to tell me everything under the sun or about their lives when I really needed to just get from my front door to the car and go to work. I'd stop and chat on the weekends but it did always feel like I was (as an introvert) putting myself out a bit in order for them to have someone to chat to. Which is fine and I'm glad I did but yeah not the easiest and I'd sometimes try and time going out to avoid them (awful and guilt ridden but still can I live!).

Just mumble to yourself every time you go out you will soon see the neighbours giving you a wide berth lol

i didn't realise what life waa like without nice friendly neighbours till I moved. we used to live up a small road with a few houses around. no one was intrusive but we said hello stopped a talked about good wearher etc. new people moved down the end and lord they were so weird never waved or spoke ( we live in Ireland by the way ) she works in the supermarket and I avoid going to her checkout now as its so odd. we moved to a place that fulls up in the summer with tourists but empties in winter. it was quite a bit isolating with no one living in the houses around you. I am only in my mid 40s but have no children wfh and husband works long hours self employed. not looking for best friends but a wave or nod when you see your neighbours stop every so often when out walking the dog talk about weather the price of diesel how crap tke country is getting 😂 now moved back home I only know the neighbours across to road and next door out of 10 houses and we hear 2 years. I only got to know the house next door after I found the husband walking around my garden ( he has dementia ) and got him safely home. his family were very grateful to me ( he now in a home the poor thing ) but family keep me updated aswell as they know am there if the wife needs help. its not intrusive we are not in each others ear but there if need something. that's what neighbours are for. manners cost nothing a smile nod or hello does you no harm. however if you still don't want to see anyone have a chat to Elon musk he looking for people to move to the moon

Home counties, friends with close neighbours and friendly acquaintances with several others on the road. Same at last place I lived too, and we still keep in touch. Before that I was in a flat in a large town (also SE) and other than a chat with a lovely old couple who told me to let them know if his piano playing bothered them, I don't recall speaking to any others. I do think people have become friendlier though. Or maybe I have!

They were just being friendly. I live in a cul de sac and will speak to my next door neighbours on one side as the kids play out together and say hello to the other side.

The rest of them i couldn't pick out of a lineup and I call them by their nicknames (not to their face obviously!) e.g. loud car guy, silent lady, golf boy etc.

But then don't move into a friendly place and be a snooty antisocial person.

We get this with incoming rude Londoners moving in

My late dad used to have bus friends. He would get the same bus into town some days for lunch and would often see the same people. Even the bus drivers got to know him. He’d get birthday cards off them some years.

Oncemorewithsome Your post made me smile, it’s nice to know I’m not the only mizhog in town! 😂 I moved from London to a town 16 months ago, I made the mistake of being to friendly to my 4 neighbours by doing all the gardening in the communal beds. Made the gargantuan error of complaining about the neighbours cat shitting, no exaggeration it was 4” deep in a 2 metre area on one bed, now I’ve been sent to Coventry. Ha, got there in the end, stony silence suits me fine 😂😂

Yes. I agree. OP doesn’t. So a town, village isn’t for her

I have great neighbours. When I first moved in we had some we talked to but gradually people moved and new people came. A lovely couple down the road still live here from when my eldest was a toddler and wandered down the street and came back with £1 for helping weed the garden!! She often chats when passing with her dogs and my daughter shares a hobby with her now so she asks after her and talks to her when she’s out with me. Others not so much. Often a nod of hello and not much. But Covid really changed things when we all went out for the weekly clapping. Started to meet the shift workers we never saw much. We have one neighbour who knows everyone’s business as he chats to lots of people. Retired so often keen to speak if his family have been out all day. Lovely though and will come over and help with jobs that need doing. Usually puts bins in for the more immediate neighbours as parking can be a pain and we are all out at work.

The estate I grew up on was great. Kids all played together. Parents often had parties together to rt at Christmas and new year. We moved away from that street quite young but I still bump into some of the then kids now adults.

Conversation is not mindless. Chatting about the weather, the bin collection timetable, the opening hours of the recycling center, the problem with littering in the area, how nice the local park looks etc. These are the things that build communities in my view.

That totally acceptable, just choose to live in an area either likeminded people!

Just have a 'must go' face on and say 'hi' on your way past. Nice to say hello, chat for 2 minutes, no-one has time for 20 minutes a few times a week, not anyone I know anyway. I like to keep on good terms with my neighbours though as we have had boundary issues, fences, bins, animals escaping, footballs over the years and it's horrible if they are anything less than distantly pleasant.

You aren’t forced to. Move to a city if community isn’t for you.