To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

^^ this

'Why did you and daddy split up, mummy?'

'When I was pregnant with you he walked out on me, cut all contact and threatened to get a restraining order against me for no reason. When you were born he said he wasn't your father and only acknowledged he was when he was forced by court to take a DNA test'

Imagine that conversation and stay strong! If he tries it on with you again just say he betrayed you were when you were at your most vulnerable then refused to acknowledge his own child. That is unforgivable.

He is disgusting.
It is one thing to not be ready for parenthood (at 40? Seriously? Get over yourself arsehole) but another to treat the mother of your child so appallingly.
Do NOT get back together with this prince. If you do I can promise you that you’ll regret it. What an utter shitshow. I am so sorry OP. You are worth more.

Right. You would never tell your daughter “oh I’m sure it will be fine”, instead you’d probably want to hunt him down with a knife.

He’s betrayed you and your daughter terribly, repeatedly - not seeing her for years, the threat about a restraining order- giving him another chance would be an act of self harm.

Plus do you even like him? Never mind what he wants, do YOU find him attractive, want to
build a life together?

Grrat that he stepped up for his daughter (eventually) but I'd keep this one at arms length. Defo.

You would be mad to even entertain getting back with him. He's shown you how casually fucking awful he can be if he chooses to be. It's in him to be that way. At his age he is who he is.

He’s doing those things because he wants you back. They’re not signs he’s a decent man. He was perfectly content to be a piece of shit when it suited him. He’s shown you who he is, believe him.

How would you ever rest easy knowing that if and when he gets bored, he’s of poor character and is perfectly capable of just sodding off into the sunset?

tbh I would judge an 18 year old harshly for doing what your ex did. I was gobsmacked when you said he was 40. Pathetic.

This.

Ok so now he seems to have got his act together regarding your daughter and to some degree you as the mother of his child - keep it at that @Unda110

why rock this boat?

the fact you have looked past his past nastiness speaks volumes of your strength of character compared to what he did, threatened restrained order and a DNA test to prove he was the father FFS.

Being cynical, he’s what 43 ish now, probably has realised he isn’t the catch he was and hey there you are, if you get back together regular sex is on the cards, I mean he’s already giving you money and presents yet his access to sex remains firmly closed. Poor lamb!

All you have to say is “look we clearly work much better as co-parents than a couple let’s keep it at this”

on an even more cynical note he might be building up as a form of control if you ever meet another - he is right there embedded in your life and will want full control of decisions if another man enters his daughter’s life. But that’s a hurdle if it occurs for the future.

Whatever his reasons it’s not for you is it? It’s for him.

You have it calm now don’t fall for his charms, you tried that before. Look what happened.

Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

If you get back together he will fuck you over worse this time, because you'll be showing him you no backbone and will forgive anything. And your child will be old enough to see it.

yes, this. It would still have been unforgivable if he was (you both were) 19 when you had your daughter, but a little easier to understand and also to imagine peers and his parents influencing him... but 40! There's really no allowances for context there given it wasn't a temporary but polite "this really isn't what I want, I'm sorry" break up but full scale ghosting and threats!

He is an abusive man. He blacked contact, threatened you and denied parentage. All while you were pregnant with his child.

I think he’s monstrous and I’d keep it my distance from him, only facilitating his relationship with your child.

If he could behave in that utterly dreadful way once, he could easily do it again. He didn't just break up with you. He threatened you with a restraining order and he denied paternity of your daughter to avoid paying maintenance. His behaviour was cruel beyond belief.

There is no way of coming back from that. He could have ended your relationship in a respectful way and still acknowledged paternity. He wasn't a scared teenager but a 40-year old man who roped his friends into threatening you with a restraining order.

He is lucky that you still allow him to see your DD. He isn't a great dad. A great dad would never do any of the things that he did.

He was a shit partner. He left you in your most vulnerable state ever in life when heavily pregnant, giving birth and post partum. Strike one.

He then had nothing to do with your child for the first couple of years. That is unforgivable.

Hes not a good father at all.

I don’t get your post. In the opening paragraph you say that you don’t need validation about not forgiving him, but in the final paragraph you sound like you’re combining yourself how great he truly is and that you should get back with him for the sake of your family

please get some self respect. He has shown you loud and clear what sort of person he is

How you can be sexually attracted to him is beyond me

There are 8 billion people on earth, don’t waste your time with this one. He has shown you who he is, what he is capable of. He wasn’t ready to be a father? Well guess what, babies don’t wait until daddy is ‘ready.’ Who gets a restraining order on the mother of their child in late pregnancy! He has shown you exactly who he is, believe him. His explanation is lazy at best. I’m guessing he was otherwise engaged and that didn’t work out. You are giving him way too much credit for a bunch of flowers now and again, whilst I’m guessing you do all the hard work of raising your child.

thats enough you say he’s a great dad leave it there
great dad
Shit partner
make peace with it and leave it there your relationship needs to be no more than co parenting

Completely agree with this! It’s not something I could move past, you would never be able to trust him.

He threatened to get a restraining order against you and he ruined your pregnancy and made you miserable at what should be an exciting, wonderful time. He should be grateful you even let him see your DD. Not ready to be a father my arse. He was 40! Not 20! What a sad and sorry excuse for a man he is. Oh and you can buy yourself flowers ffs. He’s a wanker.

Your daughter needs happy and stable parents. In this case, the parents are happier and more stable apart (well you are at least). Encourage his relationship with her, but maintain your own boundaries firmly.
If you ever waver then remind yourself that he left you at your most vulnerable and missed all the really hard bits. He may regret his behaviour now but that doesn't mean you're obliged to forgive him.

Just be the best possible co-parents.

Please don't give him a second chance to treat you like shit.
What he did to you should be unforgivable.

That’s what fathers should do imo.

It’s only noteworthy because so many don’t, not because it ought to be exceptional.

so let him do this, enjoy a (now…) healthier co-parenting relationship but be aware that you owe him nothing simply for finally taking responsibility as a father.

You do not owe him any kind of forgiveness and definitely not a relationship.

edit:

He did not just bail once. He made the choice to ignore you multiple times. He made the choice to have this friend contact and threaten you. He made the choice to get up every morning and not contact you or see his daughter for 2 years! He showed a looot of commitment to abandoning his pregnant girlfriend and his daughter!!

he showed you what kind of man he is. So have the strength to believe him.

What if you get together and have a second child? Will he need 2+ years again? What if you get together and you get sick or disabled? Will he be “ready” to stay? Or would he just not be ready?

No chance.

Please, please, please don’t get back with him. Your gut instinct is entirely right, so trust it more than him! All he wants is the easy option.
You’re amazing and deserve so much better!

You are the one who knows him best. Nobody replying to you here knows what he is really like. I am not sure why the way he treated you during pregnancy shows you "what he is really like", but his financial generosity, his great parenting of your child, and his current thoughtfulness do not. Children change people. He may have changed. Or he may not.

You can't crowdsource a decision like this. You have to use your own judgement, considering what is best for you and your child.

Whatever you do, take it slowly. If I were you, I'd make sure that the boundaries in your relationship are clearly understood, perhaps in writing.