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Original poster

To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

316 replies

Unda110 · 01/05/2026 21:05

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 02/05/2026 08:21

1 Get a decent therapist.

2 Get a parenting app and say ALL contact needs to go through it.

3 Tell him to stop with flowers and nonsense about getting back together.

have you ever actually told him how awful it was? If not you should next tike he starts. Send your dd in and put on some peppa pig or octobauts....

Note BTW he left you not for a few weeks (which would be diabolic and unforgivable) but TWO YEARS?!?!?! He didnt do all he could he did what suited him.

You should probably explain clearly he did the worst thing anyone has ever done to you, explain the pain and confusion you felt at the most difficult time of your life. Ask him if someone had done that to him, abandoned him with a newborn, denied they had any responsibility, threatened police and legal action while they were heavily pregnant and vulnerable, would he wanted to go for a date because she showed up with a £15 generic bunch of flowers and said a cheap "sorry" 2 years later? NO? Exactly....

You can never trust this emotionally flabby, man baby.

He was a solvent able bodied middle aged man who dumped you for TWO years because he found responsibility a bit scary.
You can never ever trust him.

Due to that I wouldnt rely on the CM he gives you (ie do not financially plan for it have it as excess / save as much as you can) also do not assume he will stay in your dds life.
I also note he only bothered to start seeing her regularly once she was presumably potty trained and could talk... ie she was fun, no boring "baby stuff", much easier to look after and there was something in it for him (time spent is way more rewarding)

At this point he has been a shithead for double the amount of her life time hes been a half decent dad.
Even if he hangs around some things cant be fixed.

If you smash a vase into a thousand pieces there are no takie-backsies. It's ruined. Forever.

RosieBurdock · 02/05/2026 08:20

Unda110 · 01/05/2026 21:17

Sorry I meant to add that he genuinely is a great dad to dd now. And he is decent towards me, pays substantially more than cms states, buys flowers for dd to give to me and things like that.

Buying flowers is very easy. What about being there for the birth and afterwards, getting up in the night with a baby, changing nappies, mopping up sick, potty training, caring for them when they or you are sick, stopping them hurting themselves? He's avoided all that by suddenly getting interested at age 3 and being a Disney Dad.

AliasGrape · 02/05/2026 08:12

Unda110 · 02/05/2026 07:50

@ChiliFiend sorry I meant to explain that he wasn’t prepared to be a dad and he said he was overwhelmed and it took him by surprise. Early on there was some suggestion I had stopped taking the pill (I hadn’t) and anyway we used condoms. Then he had a couple of months of being positive about it but around month 5 disappeared

Show quote history

None of that is ‘context’ enough to explain what he did, lots of things happen in life that we’re not ready for and take us by surprise. I imagine the pregnancy was a surprise to you too, but you didn’t get to bail.

He was hateful to you, and he abandoned his daughter, denied her by saying she wasn’t his and tried to get out of paying for her. If he’s sorry and regrets it now he needs to channel all his energy into being the best dad he can for her (the best non resident dad who doesn’t do any of the hard stuff that is!) not trying to emotionally blackmail you.

Tell him you’re not interested in reconciling, you can’t ever trust him and that your only concern is what’s best for your daughter and that if he wants to make up for his part, horrendous, actions then he needs to do the same and focus on being the best he can for her.

Nursemumma92 · 02/05/2026 08:11

Don't forgive him OP. He is a waste of space. Loads of men are taken aback by an unplanned pregnancy but don't leave their partners and threaten them with a restraining order.

It's all words now, if you got back with him and then times get tough for whatever reason there is nothing from his previous behaviour to suggest he will stick around.

It's very easy for him to seem like a great dad when they see a child once or twice a week. Less so when it's 24/7- good dads are there for the hard bits too. The cooking meals day in day out, juggling the kids with housework/work, looking after them when they are poorly.

He was 40 years old when he treated you that way- he should have been far more mature to deal with this is a different way. You need to remember your worth OP. You haven't failed your daughter but not giving him another chance, he failed your daughter when he walked out on you during pregnancy and missed the first year of her life.

Renamedyetagain · 02/05/2026 08:10

What a fucking asshole.

RosieBurdock · 02/05/2026 08:08

He sounds like a Disney dad who avoided the hard work and now wants the fun bit. Proper dads help with the hard bits too.

Gwenna · 02/05/2026 08:08

Unda110 · 01/05/2026 21:17

Sorry I meant to add that he genuinely is a great dad to dd now. And he is decent towards me, pays substantially more than cms states, buys flowers for dd to give to me and things like that.

Do what’s best for you and DD, OP 💐I agree with those who say he was 40 years old and has clearly shown you who he is - protect yourself 💞

RosieBurdock · 02/05/2026 08:02

He wasn't there for you when you needed him most and avoided the hard grind of the early years. You deserve better

YourOliveBalonz · 02/05/2026 07:58

Unda110 · 02/05/2026 07:47

@Bearness yes, I agree when I look back that’s the part that hits me in the stomach the hardest. He said he threatened that because my friend had contacted him (I didn’t know this), to ask him to speak to me. Apparently that felt too much and a step too far.

Show quote history

So that’s his current explanation for the restraining order threat at this point, that he thought it was a step too far? Not just an unmitigated apology for his inexcusable behaviour but a kind of justification for his attitude at the time?

Let him be a good Dad (one that conveniently skipped out of the hardest slog but we’ll leave that aside). If you get together and move him in, the next time he gets cold feet on his life and skips out it’s not just going to be you devastated. I think for your daughter’s sake alone you actually can’t afford to take that risk.

RealReginaPhalange · 02/05/2026 07:56

He will do it again. Dont put your child through it.

CoffeeTime4583922 · 02/05/2026 07:55

It's very easy to be a "great" dad to a toddler you only see a couple of times a week max. Seriously, very very easy.

He gets all the good bits and none of the hard ones.

He left when things got a bit harder. Likelihood is he will leave again. Don't do that to your DD or to yourself. Keep him at arms length.

Original poster
Unda110 · 02/05/2026 07:52

PrincessFairyWren · 01/05/2026 23:31

This x 100. What if your DD has a problem (illness, disability, trauma) he will just bail again.

the fact that it took him so long to even start seeing her is also telling.

Kindly OP please get some counselling and find out why your bar is so low that you even would need to ask if you’re being unreasonable.

Also be very careful. He has shown you who he is. When he realises that you are not going back it is likely that he will turn nasty again.

Show quote history

@PrincessFairyWren thank you, I am going to sort counselling. It was difficult when dd was younger but I could probably do it now.

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 02/05/2026 07:50

Great if he’s finally being a good dad. But he will never be a great partner.

Studyunder · 02/05/2026 07:50

Sounds like the type of person who would soon split up with you then go for full custody. Never in a million years should you get back with him.

Original poster
Unda110 · 02/05/2026 07:50

ChiliFiend · 01/05/2026 23:22

Your question suggests that there were significant mitigating circumstances in play when he left you at 7+ months pregnant and threatened you with a restraining order. I finished reading your post. There were no mitigating circumstances, at all. The "context" seems to be that he's a good dad.

His relationship with his child is entirely distinct from his relationship with you, in the sense that a romantic relationship between you is not necessary for him to be the best dad in the world to your daughter. This is someone who cuts and runs when the going gets tough. Imagine if you got back with him and you suffered an accident or a serious illness? You wouldn't be able to trust that he'd stay. Find someone who deserves you.

@ChiliFiend sorry I meant to explain that he wasn’t prepared to be a dad and he said he was overwhelmed and it took him by surprise. Early on there was some suggestion I had stopped taking the pill (I hadn’t) and anyway we used condoms. Then he had a couple of months of being positive about it but around month 5 disappeared

OP posts:
Original poster
Unda110 · 02/05/2026 07:47

Bearness · 01/05/2026 23:18

Has he any idea what you must have gone through to be pregnant alone, give birth alone and cope as a fully single/lone parent in those first few years. Also don’t forget the threat of a restraining order! That is the most shocking part for me!

@Bearness yes, I agree when I look back that’s the part that hits me in the stomach the hardest. He said he threatened that because my friend had contacted him (I didn’t know this), to ask him to speak to me. Apparently that felt too much and a step too far.

OP posts:
SmallBlondeMum · 02/05/2026 07:47

Bridgertonisbest · 01/05/2026 21:23

He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.

Absolutely this.
It was an incredibly cruel and unkind way to treat you.

PepsiBook · 02/05/2026 07:42

Absolutely not. He let you down in the most awful way, why would you ever want to be with someone who can do that to you and your child?
Utter scum bag.

Buffmuff · 02/05/2026 07:38

If your daughter went through that and came to you for advice, what would you say to her?

Wecanbeheroes26 · 02/05/2026 07:36

Do not let this man back into your bed. He can be dad but no way whatsoever would I resume a relationship with him. EvER.

Studyunder · 02/05/2026 07:30

AllyMacbealmyarse · 01/05/2026 21:12

He’s a shit and fucked you over. How could you ever trust him. Put him in the bin and tell him if he continues to stay stuff like this you’ll get a restraining order (or supervised contact).

This

awaynboilyurheid · 02/05/2026 07:23

Agree with Toffee post, he’s a Disney dad, enjoying the nice
bits while not being around to do the hard stuff, wait till the teen years hit then he might disappear again from your daughters life once she’s not so daddy’s adoring little girl, I mean he’s done it once to you Do not be fooled into taking him back happily co parent keep your boundaries and support your daughter sounds like she may need it with a dad like this.

Notsandwiches · 02/05/2026 07:23

You know all the positive behaviours he's displaying, the flowers, the higher maintenance - will likely stop when theres nothing in it for him.

Sartre · 02/05/2026 07:22

Of course it would be almost impossible to forgive him, the coward deserted you just before you gave birth to his child and for the first year after she was born. I think we could all forgive a teenage boy or perhaps at a push, man in his early 20s for this (although it obviously still isn’t fair given the woman can’t easily do the same thing!) but at 40?! Come on…

He’s a loser and he must know it. The fact he threatened a restraining order as well because you wanted to know where on earth he was and if he wanted to meet his new child! Crazy.

ToffeeForEveryone · 02/05/2026 07:17

Unda110 · 01/05/2026 21:17

Sorry I meant to add that he genuinely is a great dad to dd now. And he is decent towards me, pays substantially more than cms states, buys flowers for dd to give to me and things like that.

It would take me a lot more than a few lots of flowers to even consider trusting someone who had left me heavily pregnant, denied paternity and got strangers to warn me off like I was the problem.

I would also be very, very cautious about encouraging your DD to develop a strong bond with this man who has rejected you both in the past. He sounds incredibly selfish - I'm not sure that changes. All he's skipped is the first hard bit.

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