To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

Well yes because that's manipulation & control.
He isolates you through guilt until he feels like your only option.

See this man for the horrible bastard he is and keep your lives completely separate.
Don't tell him anything.
Keep all Comms about your DD only.
Get some counselling so you can spot others like him coming a mile off.

OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. What this person did to you is unforgivable. I wouldn't trust him as far as you could throw him. Agree with others that his actions now sound like manipulation. A decent person would not do the things he's done. Well done on coming through everything you've had to face on your own. You've got this. Perhaps keep things civil but don't react to any of his attempts to get you back or just be clear that there's no going back for you now so he needs to be grateful for the current arrangement and stop the advances towards you.

What he did was jaw droppingly cuntish. You need to keep the situation as it is now. Hes just trying to reel you back in, and once he has done that, he will revert to type and be a super cunt again.

I would try to keep it very polite rather than calling him out on it.

This is will also be more about his own self image than it is necessarily about you. He'll be wanting to 'fix' his mistake so he can be the hero again in his own internal narrative of his life story and you not being together is preventing that, he feels. It also sounds like he would probably find something else wrong if you did get back together?

That doesn’t require much effort really - whilst helpful - takes a few mins of time. And probably doesn’t get in the way of him doing what he wants when he wants the rest of the time. In times where there is conflict between your needs and his needs - he will always put himself first. Guaranteed.

So he threatens a restraining order on the basis of one (alleged) message from your friend.

He suggests that you didn't take the pill.

When you set out reasonable expectations for a relationship you want - which isn't him - he gets nasty.

He was nowhere to be seen and actively hostile when he knew about the baby.

And you're giving even a passing thought to letting him back?????? WHY???

Please do not give this man another chance, as if abandoning you while pregnant, threatening a restraining order and not seeing his daughter for at least one year is not enough, hes also made vile comments about children from different men. Ironically, if he wasnt a complete cock, that would never be the case. It has absolutely nothing to do with him what you do with your life, he obviously trusts you enough to raise his child singlehandedly.

My ex left when my baby was 11 months, havent seen or heard from him in 4 months (he saw him a couple of times over 4 months) I will never ever ever ever give him the time of day ever, if he was to crawl back. These men do not change. Ever. It is the lowest of the low abandoning your baby.

You would be letting your daughter down by every day role modelling a relationship based on distrust and without love. She is looking to you now to learn what happiness and healthy relationships will look like for her as an adult.

If it was your daughter asking this in 30 years, wondering whether to get back with her ex who treated her this way, what would you say? And that’s your answer, because that’s exactly how your daughter learn from what you decide.

Your parents are shit to take that attitude so it’s no wonder you feel vulnerable to this, not having the support you should have. But just read back his comment about you moving on - that you would have kids by different fathers, and how awful that would be. I don’t think you even mentioned another baby, but on what actual planet is he on passing judgement on that when he’s literally been the lowest of the low deadbeat father until he decided not to be? He should get in the bin.

If you have another baby or relationship that is nothing at all to do with this waste of space.

Don’t do this! A close friend got back with her ex after he treated her appallingly when she had her baby and she’s now bought a house with him, but I fear she’s stuck now as no options and he would screw her over financially as he did before. Her parents always encouraged them to stay together. She was always bemoaning how hard it was to meet men as a single mother.

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

Oh @Unda110 he’s an absolute pig. To go through late pregnancy and, I’m assuming, childbirth on your own must have been frightening. I wouldn’t forgive I think. I’m so sorry your parents are letting you down too. Keep binning the gifts. I agree that a bit of counselling would help you, you deserve much better than these people around you.

He let you down at a time you needed him the most. That speaks volumes. Of course he's being nice via your dd because he wants a way back in. He didn't see his dd during the first few years suddenly he's in her life. What he pops and out of her life and yours as he did with you at the beginning? It's pretty brutal what he did. I could never trust someone like this again.
You say he has a good relationship with your dd. I'd just leave it as it is.It sounds positive. It's not broken so don't fix it.

Please get counselling!

You are worthy of happiness but not with this man. But… counselling before you even think of meeting someone else.

And your parents are shits too. No way would my mum be buying that sack of shit gifts or blaming me for his poor behaviour?!

It sounds as though he has been in a relationship that has broken down and he is looking for a new berth. I do not think you can trust a man who has put you both through what he did.

That is a dreadful thing to say. I really can’t see any positives. He’s mid forties. Were he 18 it might be excusable. He will not change. He doesn’t trust or respect you. He might stand by your daughter, if it’s all love from her and minimum effort for him.

Jesus!!! Your parents 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫gl
Girl - get in therapy....

I cannotnimagine a world where if my darling girl was abandoned while pregnant is wpuld indirectly tell her its her own fault for being "too"

That’s awful that your parents don’t support you - sometimes for that generation it’s difficult for them to understand why you wouldn’t just sweep it all under the rug and plough on even if you’re miserable because there’s very much a mentality in favour of keeping families together at all costs.

But the reality is you absolutely smashed this parenting thing all on your own and should be very proud of yourself. You’re a strong woman and need to set the example for your daughter that your parents aren’t setting for you - that her self worth is paramount!

If a man left your DD when she was 5 months pregnant, threatened a restraining order because her friends were trying to open a line of communication, saw the baby twice in the first 3 years and then decided to be a better dad once the really hard bit (baby and toddler phase) was over - what would you tell her if she was considering getting back together with that man?

At your time of greatest need he abandoned you in the cruellest way. He is not and will never be a great father he is great at cosplaying one. Do not trust him. If however you'd like your DD to have a sibling then personally I'd cosplay the forgiving ex long enough to get pregnant.

You're comparing apples and oranges.

On the one hand, the way he treats you when he's trying to get you into a romantic relationship. On the the other hand, the way he treated you when you were in a romantic relationship.

See the difference?

Also - being "decent" towards you is the absolute minimum behaviour of a civilised person. Expect nothing less from the father of your child, but expect more from a potential partner.

He is using your DD to emotionally manipulate you, good dad's don't do that.

He fucked off when his life was inconvenienced by your baby, good dad's don't do that.

At 40 years old he got his mate to message you to deal with you, good men don't do that.

I thought you were describing a teenage lad, not a middle aged man. Protect your little girl from this fuckwit by not getting any further involved with him. It's only a matter of time before he hurts her, he's already using her to get to you.

Tread very carefully, this man has shown you what he is capable of. My advice for what it's worth, is not ever to go back with him. He is lucky you have been gracious enough to allow him to see his daughter, your first priority is her ( I am speaking from experience) Giving your child flowers to give to you strikes me as manipulative. If he is genuinely contrite he should be more than thankful and not push for more. Unplanned pregnancy can be a 'shock' for some men, I get that, but this man took no share of responsibility. Once you have a child with a man you are always connected to some degree or other, so if I were you I would focus on his relationship with your daughter and not muddy the waters and complicate this further by getting back into a relationship with him again. He may genuinely regret what he did, but in this case there would be no going back, too much water under the bridge.

This! Be careful OP! very careful.

I'd lay money that if you told him there was no chance at all with you, he'd fuck off on your DD.