To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

First post nails it.

Has he ever looked you in the eye and sincerely apologised in a way that makes you actually believe him?

I'm not saying that would sway me in any way as, in your situation, it really wouldn't. I would not consider becoming a life partner of someone who did everything he did and, as a cherry on the top, threatened me with court action after I had had his child. He is every shade of cunt and wasn't beamed up and brainwashed in that portion of his life but I wondered how much actual genuine effort he had made? @Unda110

Stay strong OP, keep him at arms length! Communication only about DD, your personal life is none of his business.

Your parents and your ex are cruel and they have conditioned you to take the blame for their shitty awful behaviour.
You have coped fantastically without their support but you have to work on refusing to believe their narcissistic mind games bear any truth or good intentions. Don’t let your guard down and let anyone make her feel she is the scapegoat for anyone else’s inadequacies. You bring her up as you deserved to be brought up, with love, support and enough self worth so she knows everyone is responsible for their own actions and she knows how worthy she is!
Next time ex starts to sneer and make out any plans in the future of you having another child with someone will tar your reputation (it won’t!) I would tell him your love life and any future child you may or may not have is none of his fucking business.

It sounds from what you say that he decided he didn’t want to be a father after all then tried to find someone new and either didn’t or it didn’t last and hasn’t found anyone better. So now the hardest part of babyhood is over he is back.
My fear is that once he truly understands you are not getting back together again, he will lose interest and break your DD’s heart. I would separate out his contact with his daughter and contact with you. A few texts arranging pick up and drop off are all he needs. Stop the heart to hearts on what went wrong. After 5 years or so, if he is still in his daughter’s life as a positive influence, then maybe thaw your attitude a little.
No way would I risk him back in my life at this time and I would try to protect my daughter to the extent I could from him repeating similar behaviour. Don’t make it easy for him to be in her life. He has to really want it for her sake alone.

You are only considering getting back with him because your parents have brainwashed you into thinking that's all you deserve, to be with a spineless man who doesn't love you. Don't do it.

This "great dad" denied your DD was his child, had nothing to do with her in her vital first 3 years - and now he wants to opt back in?

And he's nasty to you when you talk about wanting a relationship with someone more caring?

Please, OP - do NOT let this awful excuse for a man back into your life. He WILL hurt you again.

Honestly, your bar is so low because of your parents. How dare they say such awful things to their own daughter who was experiencing such horrible abusive behaviour from the father of her child.

I can't believe that they are sucking up to him by buying him birthday gifts. You need some serious therapy to help you deal with your daughter's disgusting father and your own disgusting parents. You have been betrayed and let down by all the adults in your life. None of these people are safe to be around you or your daughter.

After reading this it is very clear why you ended up in this situation. Sadly, it looks like you have shit parents who do not support you and who are enabling narcissistic abuser.

Whatever you have done nothing would justify what he did. And I would add my voice to the posters saying what he is doing now has the sole purpose of reeling you back into his control. Once he understands you cant leave he will be abusing you again.

Do not discus your life with him. He is not your friend, and whatever you decide to do with yourself has got nothing to do with him. You can have ten more children with ten more men - there is nothing he can do about it. His boat has sailed when he abandoned you during pregnancy. BTW a lot of people have siblings by different dads - me including - there is nothing "awful" about it. What IS awful is telling your pregnant partner you are going to get restraining order against her and then denying the kid is yours. Maybe you should remind yourself of these facts a bit more often.

As for your comment on growing old alone - you really need counselling, OP. He is not the only man on earth, and you are still very young! What a silly comment.

Tell him your relationship is purely about co-parenting. Encourage a good relationship between him and hid daughter but put firm boundaries for yourself. I would suggest using single mode of communication, not allowing him into your house and not talking about anything that does not relate to your daughter.

Tell him to get in the bin.

He thinks an apology cuts it, but he is still parenting exactly and fully on his terms.

I am so so angry on your behalf. This is not a man who is capable of having a fully committed relationship with anyone but himself. He would totally be gone at the first sign of trouble.
Do you think he would step up if you got sick - he wouldn’t. You wouldn’t see him for dust.

What message does it tell him that after he did all that to you, you will still come back for more? In simple terms it tells him you are an idiot with no self worth.

My advice is to tell him that you will never again have a relationship with someone so utterly broken in their personality, I would politely but firmly reject any notion that this was behaviour and tell him you see abandoning a pregnant woman; threatening her; denying the child; and them coming back needing to be seen as good, as fully being about who he is on the inside- his character. Then laugh in his face.

I'm tempted to vote yabu. But just because you are even speaking to him!

You need stronger boundaries, op. I am glad he is now a 'good father', but all contact should be just about your dd. You don't need his opinion on your life and your choices.

Fwiw, I think you've done so well. I can't imagine what you must have gone through when he abandoned you like that.
🌺
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When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

This is your proof that underneath the ‘good’ dad act - and it is an act - he is still the same selfish, manipulative POS who left you pregnant, alone, threatening restraining orders and denying paternity after your child was born.

I would bet my last penny that if you were to tell him, in no uncertain terms today, that you don’t trust him, never will and no romantic relationship will ever happen and he needs to stop it right now, he will stop paying over the odds, stop making the effort with your child: because what he cares about is having his needs met, on his terms, all the time.

Given what you’ve said about your parents you have clearly been conditioned to feel like the problem when people are taking advantage of you. I’m glad you bin the presents. Get counselling, get emotional distance between you and all these awful people in your life and focus on yourself.

@Unda110 i think your doing great , considering what your ex did to you and that your parents don’t seem to be good examples . I wonder if you ever learned healthy boundaries.
Keep doing what you are doing , and seek counseling. I am sure then you will meet someone who deserves you .

Your ex behaved terribly , he can live with his poor behavior you don’t have to .

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

Stop talking to him about your private life. You owe him nothing of that. You didn't end the relationship.
Just keep it to "no, I'm not going to change my mind, it is not happening and I don't want to have this conversation again." On repeat.
If he continues just "I'm not discussing this again" and shut it down. Even if he gets a upset. It's not fair of him to badger you OP and your daughter will be picking up on it a before long, he needs to stop.

He let you go through all the hard stuff alone. The bastard. Now everything looks easy, he wants to slot back in. What if things get hard again? He'll be off. You'll always be waiting for that shoe to drop.

A grown man who could treat another human being like that - and one who is carrying his child! - has got something missing inside.

I could have written this about my daughter’s partner, only the baby was 4 weeks old when he walked out. I think he just freaked out at the thought of bringing up a child. He told me that he would never have another child. He hasn’t and my grandson is almost 30 now.
He came back into their life when his son was one year old and has been a great dad. He wanted to get back together with my daughter but she was worried that she couldn’t trust him again. It is very sad really. It is a hard decision x

This is nuts OP. He treated you badly for at least 1 year 3 months, until he finally showed up to meet her.

This isn't something out of character and hurtful done one day and never again, this is over a year of consistently shitty selfish behaviour which put you under stress and clouded your pregnancy and first year with your daughter. He made you chase for CMS and denied paternity for goodness sake. He didn't just ghost you, he doubled down with threats of restraining orders and denials of paternity for months.

And he's still doing it now With the selfishness and stress to you.
Usihera child to manipulate you with flowers, come on OP. He was 40, a fully grown man, not 14 with unfinished brain development. He chose to act like that OP.

I'm a bit concerned your family don't seem to have higher standards for you OP. You deserve much better.

Where are HIS parents, OP? Have they been passing along birthday gifts for you, or for their actual granddaughter? Have they met her?

It’s none of his business whether or not you find a new partner. He doesn’t get a vote. Grey rock him on this topic.

OK, so he tells his FRIEND to back off, then. That's the correct response. I'm sorry, but this "reason" of his is just a smokescreen to try to minimise the fact that he threatened with a restraining order the woman who was heavily pregnant with his child.

Actually cannot believe he's trying to pin this on his friend.

Wow, well your parents are bloody awful too! You pushed him away by trying to contact him to find out where the hell he’d gone and whether he wanted any input in your child’s life?! Right… Everyone suggesting he’s a Disney dad are totally right, he is. Ignore his controlling and manipulative remarks about you moving on as well, remember HE LEFT YOU and he has no right to comment whatsoever.

Going forward you need to ensure contact is only ever about your DD so if he tries to engage in anything outside of that, ignore.

Your parents are awful, they twisted your ex’s abandonment of you pregnant and alone like a whip to condemn you. They aren’t supportive of you they actively try to destroy your reality and fawn over someone who discarded you at your most vulnerable. This isn’t parental love @Unda110 they are gaslighting you to take on the blame for anyone’s words or actions that treat you like dirt!
Your ex is just as bad, he loves the adulation your DD gives him as it feeds his ego because he isn't with her constantly. He gives you extra money and spoils her to appear father of the year and to manipulate your feelings so he can play the family man. He won’t be so generous once he realises you see through his act and won’t trust him with you and your DD happiness on someone who discards people when reality hits. He’s as supportive as a chocolate fire guard just like your parents, they love to blame you to disguise their own inadequacies. None of them have you or your DD’s back or best interests at heart only their own.

Abandoning your baby is really low. There's something mentally wrong with men who do this. You will never be able to trust him.

Every update makes him sound worse - calling having 2 children by different fathers awful, how dare he? Who does he think he is to judge? What he did was "awful" - if he hadn't behaved "awfully" then you could have had 2 children by the same father. Your parents are awful too, I couldn't imagine treating a child of mine that way. I would tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not pass on any further gifts for him from them as you find it insulting, so they'll either have to stop or post them themselves. They sound bonkers.

Please get some counselling because it's evident you have not been cherished or looked after emotionally by any of those close to you whose job it was to love you.

Also, the minute another women who turns his head appears, I don’t doubt he would drop you again.

He’s manipulating you, Dd and I bet the minute you find someone else he would disappear. He couldn’t be bothered with the hard bits of parenting as a 40 something, presumably with a good job and a means to support you when you were most vulnerable. Two different dads is better than 2 kids with 1 shit dad. You say he is a good father but that will stop when whatever else he doesn’t like or be arsed with comes up - as others have said, illness, potential special needs etc. If DD had been born disabled do you really think he would’ve stepped up? No. He waited until the dust settled and now shows up for fun days out and is able to hand her back. This would be the same if he lives with you. He’s lonely, and realises he wants someone else at home to take care of him.

Having a friend contact him on your behalf is not stalking or a step too far when he ghosted you and were about to have his child ffs. You were mot unreasonable and this is not an acceptable justification for abandonment. Your parents are deeply unreasonable and I would say to him to stop harassing you or bringing gifts via DD or visits will stop. Is he on birth certificate?

His behaviour will turn nasty and he will try to use dd against you if you meet someone else (don’t let that stop you)

Your last update shows that he is indeed a shitty person. His comment regarding you having a child by another father is a disgrace when it was him that put you and your DD in that position.

What he did is unforgivable when you needed him the most.
OP think of the future and question yourself if you need this sorry excuse of a controlling man in your life.
I hope you can move on and wish you all the best for brighter days ahead.