To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

This is a vile and bad man. Stay clear of him! Keep conversations strictly to your DD. Tell him stop other topics and stand up and leave when you have to. Therapy is needed to validation and get back your strength, although you’re doing great at keeping this man and your parents in their place.

A good man will own his mistakes and allow you and support you with your decision.

Well there you go - his mask slipped immediately. Judging you again!

And how sad that your parents said that and let you down so badly. That’s why you’re questioning yourself now. I’d not even take the gifts for him. I’d tell them they were awful and unsupportive, and leave them at their house. I’d also tell them that they were damaging your relationship behaving like this.

You know what’s right and what’s wrong, despite all those. Stay strong, for your daughter too.

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

What a disgusting thing to say, OP, he really is vile. He treats you like shit, then you’re “awful” for wanting a better life for yourself and DD with a better man. Unbelievable arrogance.

I wouldn’t bin your parents’ presents. (Incredible that they’re so taken in by him.) I’d give them back, or to a charity shop, and ask your parents to stop sending them. Perhaps mention that you’re rather hurt by their affection for someone who treated you and DD so badly.

Best of luck to you and DD xx

Allow him to continue to be a good dad to his child, but don't ever allow him to become part of your life again. He is not a good man, he is revolting and you saw his true colours during pregnancy. Be on your guard.

Fuck this fucker! if he was a teenager at the time, okay, but he was 40?

I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

I am glad you are noting and listening to your feelings.

I bin it as their lack of loyalty makes me feel broken.

Another feeling to listen to. Fuck them also!

Please listen to yourself and look after and protect yourself and your daughter. Those feelings of guilt and self-doubt are being encouraged by this pack of fuckers!

He's a good father that's all he needs to be , do not let him confuse you into a relationship. Move on stay civil. Your parents though , I'd be upset they said that. I'd never be able to forgive him for doing that.

What an awful man. I would have minimal contact with him, only what is necessary for your child.
An adult who was too cowardly to face up to his responsibilities.
He’s also full of rubbish threatening you with a restraining order. They’re given in court when someone has been charged with certain offences. Not someone you can just get. Making threats at a time you were vulnerable.

He had his chance but screwed it up. Who gives a shit what he thinks?

And your parents - dear me, are they always this bad? That’s a horrible attitude - good for you for chucking the bday presents in the bin.

There are men who panic because they don’t feel ready to be a parent. That’s forgiveable, if they pull themselves together.
And then there’s your ex who abandoned you during the hardest part of your pregnancy, abused and slandered and threatened you, and ignored his child through the difficult early months until she became an adorable toddler. This is way beyond what any decent man would do.

Please don’t let him crawl back in, OP. @faithfultoGeorgeMichael and other PP have given you good advice.

He did all that, not in a moment of madness, but continued for well over a year, while you were struggling alone. Things are easier now and he’s playing happy families.

Your sick feeling is your body warning you not to be misled into thinking he’s miraculously changed into a loving and supportive partner.

Also what's he done to mke sure he can cope with difficult situations in the future? Has he done extensive therapy to understand himself better and worked on practicing coping strategies? If he had done something to actually address his issues then I can see why he might have asked, as he could be more confident it wouldn't have happened again. But don't think it sounds like that's the case

I agree with PP. I empathise if he didn't feel ready to be a father and didn't want to be in a relationship with you. But that doesn't excuse the cutting off without discussion, the lack of communication, the ignoring his own child for years, and now it seems, the emotional manipulation that's going on trying to win you back. The first 'no' should be enough, he shouldn't be trying to persuade you, or use your daughter as a reason / involving her in any way, or making any comments about your future choices (it's none of his business if you have two kids with different dads, other than how it affects your daughter). Its still ALL about him and what he wants. Not about what you want or whats best for your daughter.

Also...would you ever trust him again? Not to just bail on you when one of you gets ill, have a family crisis, or has an issue at work like redundancy etc

First answer nails it

No, I wouldn't forgive that.

This is it, 100% right.

He had his chance and blew it like a burst balloon from the start, you can’t repair that.

What was his excuse for claiming not to be the father?
You deserve so much better and good on your friend for having your back.

He will leave you again.

I had an ex who left me and came back. He then left during the worst time of my life.

Your ex wants you to care for him. He wants you to cook and clean and sleep with him and make his life easier. He probably wants to get off CMS.

Maybe he has genuine emotions for you but the way he freaked out and threatened you during your pregnancy is unforgivable. He is fucking crazy doolally looney Tunes.

This from your parents is genuinely awful OP. No wonder you are feeling all over the place. They agree he has behaved in a 'shit' way but ..... Bloody hell, they are as bad as he is? Whatever your behaviour was like back then, for them to judge it when you were pregnant and dumped is appalling.

Keep him where he is now. Keep the money coming in and accept the flowers if you want but just keep your ship on an even keel and keep going. It will be interesting to see if, once he realises none of it is working on you, he will keep up with the money and the flowers or if it is all fake.

His 100% lack of empathy would have me getting the words 'restraining order' tattooed to the inside of my eyelids for the rest of my days and probably painted on the inside of my coffin lid.

The freedom program will allow you to 'see' the nature of the people in your life and also what you deserve for yourself and for your future and it isn't this failure.

Just his refusal to pay for the DD and being forced to DNA is shocking and your parents are sending him presents??? FFS!

Are your parents quite old school in that they care a lot about outward appearances? Could they have an old fashioned embarrassment that you are a single mother? Would they prefer you just to put up and shut up with a horrible partner instead of imagined judgement?

Your ex also seems to manipulating a fear of being judged. Most sane would judge him a lot more for his abandonment than they would for you moving on with your life even if that did eventually mean another child. If he's already trying to emotionally manipulated you now imagine what he'd be like living with you. The flowers are manipulation too.

I personally would be so resentful too if he started trying to give me parenting advice or act like dad of the year for making a packed lunch once or twice. He opted out of the hard stuff, it's his own consequence that he can't play happy families now.

Finally, if you did get ill it would be better to be alone than with someone who you couldn't trust wouldn't piss off at any moment. If he stayed around would he do a good job of putting you above his own needs or would he guilt you? Or if he got ill- wouldn't you be resentful that you would need to look after him when he wasn’t there for you when you needed him most?

You have to ask yourself if something bad happened would he stick around or would he do a runner again

"oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’"

He is still being a twat.

He will not get better.

Right now he's playing doting daddy thinking it will reel you back in.

Be prepared.

This puts it perfectly.

You are wasting time and energy thinking about this ex situation when you could be out and about finding someone who will treat you and your D much better.

I'm quite shocked at how you seem to be minimising this man's actions, saying he 'just' freaked out. He ran away and left your daughter to bring up their child alone for a year.

At least your daughter had the sense to see him for what he was.

Tell him that you will support him to have a good relationship with DD but he must not again talk about loving you and missing you. It’s GREAT that you are supporting your DD, but don’t let him get inside your head. What a bawbag.