To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

My guess is if you took him back he would panic and disappear again. Being a part time dad is very different from everyday. He let you and dd down and probably feels guilty for what could have been. I wouldn’t have been keen to let him in dds life as I would worry he would let her down so you have forgiven him enough to do that op which makes you better than me!

It’s an old saying but when someone shows you who they are, believe them. He bailed on you cruelly when you were heavily pregnant with his child and left you to cope alone. How could you trust him not to bail again if the going got tough? I’d have said if he has been very young then he could have grown up and realised how badly he had behaved but he was 40!!
ultimately it’s your life - but i would be very wary of getting back together with him

I’m proud of my daughter that she did not deprive her son of his father. He has been a very good dad. Sadly we lost our daughter a few years ago and he was amazing to us during that terrible time. There can be forgiveness … my daughter forgave him and so do we. For us there has been healing through this. All we ever wanted was for our daughter and grandson to be happy.

I can't understand various comments saying that he's good to step up as a Dad.
Adding to his previous atrocious behaviour, His comment about not having different fathers really shows his true intentions, which is that he thinks he's got OP on tap as and when he wants and can pick her up and drop her and still pull the string to get her back again as and when by using the Dad card. He is an outright user. I wouldn't want someone like that in my child's life.

What a wanker. This is absolutely unforgivable. You’re lucky you are allowing him any contact given his behavior imo. There is nothing to stop him abandoning his child (again) so with that in mind I would be very cautious of allowing him contact at all tbh. If he was to do the same thing again, it would have dire consequences for your child’s wellbeing and relationship learning. Be wary and stand firm - I think you’ve handled this very well. Xo

Every word of the above!!

His comment "oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’" is such a GIANT ALARM BELL, it literally turned my stomach.

1. What the hell is he doing trying to direct who you do and don't see and any future relations ships you might have.? It is absolutely NONE of his business and its concerning that he is conversing with you on this level.
2. How kind of him to give you permission to have another baby. But not with a different father... He is grooming you. he's actually proposing "have sex with me if you want to get pregnant." Putting that suggestion into your brain that it would be so much better for your DD to have a full, rather than a half sibling. Total and utter manipulation from this candidate for Father of the Year. He doesn't care whether you have another baby or not. He sees you as a soft touch for available sex.. ( sorry to say that OP). He is a user and once a user, always a user. He's experienced in picking on vulnerable people for what he wants and then dumping them when he's got it and he's back for round two with you.

Please do not allow yourself to be taken in by him again. For the sake of your DD. He is using her to get involved in your life because he fancies having another fling.. all on his terms and once he's got what he wants, he will run away in the same cruel and cowardly fashion.

This is NOT a good dad. That comment reveals that he is not being genuine.
Please get some real life support because you are vulnerable and you have had no support from your parents... but you need to work out what your boundaries are and don't let this arch deceiver worm his way back in and hurt not just you but also your DD when he effs off into the sunset again.

Get advice from Womans Aid or similar on how to manage the parenting side of things. Personally I'd be cutting his access time RIGHT DOWN.. and keeping him firmly at arms lenght. It would be an even bet that he would quickly melt away when he realises that you are not going to give in. He's been cruel and hostile at a staggering level towards you in the past so how can he be trusted around your DD?
Make it so that you had as little contact with him directly as possible and I wouldn't discuss things with him or give him any details of your life. He doesn't get to tell you who you should go out with. I get how this came about... you were trying to hold him at arms lenght by saying you'd rather go on to have a happier relationship and he siezes the moment to jump in with his awful to have children with different fathers.
He is a user and an opportunist.

You've done brilliantly well and got your life back together after he wrecked it don't give him the chance to do this again.You are already a much better mum to your DD than your parents were to you. It sounds like they've been encouraging you to let him back into your life for DD's sake. But they don't seem to have sound judgement at all. He's a hurtful and reckless person. Doesn't make him a good father by any stretch however much they may want it. Its what YOU want and what makes YOU feel safe that matters, not people who were totally unsupportive when the chips were down.

You poor thing.

He’s shown his true colours again there when he says it’s awful that you might have children with another man 😱 It’s absolutely none of his business what you choose to do with your life. I hope for your daughter’s sake that he continues to be a beneficial part of her life, but I would never trust him if I were you. You know what he’s capable of, and you deserve so much better 💐

I do think it would be helpful for you to work through this in therapy, including the situation with your parents. Their attitude to your situation is awful.

Be the one that got away OP. After honeymoon your future self be kicking yourself otherwise… with these boy/men commitment never lasts. He’s shown you what he is capable of… leaving you at your lowest and most vulnerable. No amount of flowers or sweet talk changes that. Chances are he’ll have a new woman in future, go silent and when that goes pear shaped he’ll be after old faithful again. You’re doing a great job and better to take a train than a roller coaster as nothing beats shutting your own front door with no drama behind it.

To answer your first question: No, do not get back together. This person is the lowest of the low.

I'm wondering how often your parents taught you in your childhood that you had to work hard for their love, tbh. Or anybody's love, for that matter. That you had to prove yourself worthy and put yourself second best to anybody else.

My goodness he is already shaming you with the "single-baby-mama" line! He has sniffed out your low self esteem and he is doing his level best to grind you down, in between using your poor DD as a cat's paw to get at you.

Get as far away from him as possible. He can see his daughter but not you.

Jebus OP! Do NOT take him back. Please don't. You will live to bitterly regret it. And...your parents are very bad at being parents. I'm so sorry they abused you too. Both of their behaviour is unforgivable. Please do have some therapy and trust your gut. You KNOW it would be a HUGE mistake to get back with this horrible abusive loser of a man. 💐

As usual, the first post nails it. Absolutely this.

So he's abusive too. Sorry only just read all your posts. Your parents sound like mine were so I see why you have low self esteem and I'm so sorry you've been let down by those who should have your back and be building you up and supporting you.
My children have different dads and it's not awful at all. They're very close and it makes zero difference.

Meh, and? So what if you did have somebody else? If they're around for you and your DD, they're less likely to fuck off out of the blue and pretend that their child isn't theirs if you decide to have a second child - and even if they did, they'd be no worse than the one who did it first, would they?

Bet your ex disappeared because he had somebody else at that point and either she dumped him or he ran out on her because she was pregnant, too.

The first reply nailed it in terms of what to do about your ex wanting a relationship. Your post about your parents attitude gave clues as to why you might be more vulnerable to feeling you need to accept abusive behaviour. I also noticed 2 of your 6 posts started with ‘sorry’ 😕

You deserved better, you deserved better parents and you deserved a better partner (although I use that term loosely as he was the complete opposite of a partner when you most needed one).

Good that’s he’s stepping up to be a father now but I dread to think what he’ll be like if your daughter becomes a stroppy teenager.

He behaved appallingly, I’d be mortified if one of my sons behaved like that to a woman. The panic would be almost understandable if he’d been 16 (although still not acceptable behaviour).

Don’t discuss your relationship goals with him, and don’t settle for him out of fear you won’t meet anyone else. There are decent men out there that don’t stigmatise women for having been unlucky enough to have a deadbeat ex in their past.

I echo the suggestion you have some counselling, building up your sense of worth would be good for you and help model confidence to your daughter. It sounds like you’ve done a great job so far.

What he did was unforgiveable. You have been kind allowing him contact with your DD. Its far too late for his remorse and back peddling.

Do not go there!
He left you in the worst way possible, when you needed him the most.
He denied his child until he had a DNA test and now he feels bad??!
Your daughter deserves a relationship with her dad but you owe him nothing.
It seems as though everything has to be on his terms. He left, cut contact and refused to be a dad. Now he's realised what he was missing he wants to be a family. No, no,no!
You are worth so much more than this.

Every time you are thinking should you be together or he’s changed remember how he treated you at the most vulnerable time of your life, his behaviour was despicable, he’s lucky you allow him anywhere near you or your daughter.

He hurt you and treated you appallingly.

You would be foolish to ever give him the opportunity to do that again. And any relationship with him would do that.

If he truly respected you he would realise just how awful his behaviour was, and accept he'd burnt that bridge to the ground. But he doesn't.

He wants what HE wants, and he doesn't care about how YOU feel about it. Sounds familiar, no? And this time he's also using your tiny daughter to try to get his way.

He's a shit.

I fear he has got to you OP with his quip about you ending up with two baby daddies.

It is a measure to control you and stop you from moving on. You need to see him for what he is. A weak pathetic loser with a smart mouth that will do and say anything to get his own way.

Rise above it. Move on and show him what he missed by being the dick he is.

Trust me when he finally realises you're serious about not wanting him back the flowers and money will dry up and he'll go back to being an arsehole. Try it and see.

If he had been 20 then maybe but not 40. No excuses for what he did to you.

Yes. This. WTF is it with parents who think they are seeing the bigger picture with such clarity when in fact the man is a lowlife that is putting himself first in every respect.

If someone did that to my DC they would need to have their head on a swivel 24/7 and a robust will in place!

"When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’"

Please never, ever, be taken in by this man. He is still the same cruel and narcissitic twat as he ever was. Protect yourself, from your parents and from him, therapy could help you to have trust in yourself, to know what happened was not your fault and that you very much deserve to have a lovely life. Is he going to stick around in DD's life forever? Maybe, maybe not. You cannot trust that he will do that. So, whilst continuing to facilitate your DD's relationship with her father, I would also be quietly mindful of how she may one day be affected by her relationship with him.

So, by extension, he expects you to only have another baby...... if it's with him?

AFTER WHAT HE DID THE LAST TIME?

Wow. The entitlement is off the charts with him, isn't it? Sounds like a Narc to me.

This made me think of the Scorpion and Frog story.

The Story
The Request: A scorpion wants to cross a deep river but cannot swim. He asks a frog to carry him on its back.
The Hesitation: The frog is hesitant, pointing out that scorpions are dangerous and that the scorpion could sting him, causing them both to die.
The Promise: The scorpion argues that if he stung the frog, they would both drown, making it illogical to do so.
The Betrayal: The frog is convinced by this logic and agrees to carry the scorpion. Halfway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog anyway.
The Conclusion: As they both sink to their deaths, the dying frog asks why the scorpion stung him. The scorpion replies, "It’s in my nature".

Seriously curios to hear the views of the 2% that voted yes.