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Original poster

To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

316 replies

Unda110 · 01/05/2026 21:05

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
carchi · 03/05/2026 09:31

OP he is trying to win you back. It's like a personal challenge to him. He realises that he's getting on in age and now wants his ready made family because it suits him now. For someone to take a restraining order out on a pregnant woman for no reason is plain nasty. Once you give in he will revert back to his real self. You are still young and can do so much better than him. If you give yourself a chance to be happy with someone else you can still have him about only as your child's father not your partner.

wrongthinker · 03/05/2026 09:00

Unda110 · 03/05/2026 07:02

These posts have honestly made me cry. I keep going and never share this stuff and I am amazed that every poster has said the same thing.

It’s made me think deeper about his behaviour. I remember one point when he was ignoring me I had to stay in hospital overnight as I had some bleeding. I called him from my friend’s phone as I had forgotten my phone when in my rush to leave and he answered, obviously not knowing who it was, and when I told him I was bleeding he hung up. I had forgotten this. I feel like I will never be able to meet someone new now as I am so horrendously hurt and damaged. I’m unlikely to experience a happy pregnancy now I’m late thirties. It’s so painful.

You deserve so, so, so much better Flowers

Steeleydan · 03/05/2026 08:59

Unda110 · 01/05/2026 21:05

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

A leopard never changes its spots!
Don't let the same snake bite you twice !

Dancingsquirrels · 03/05/2026 08:46

You were vulnerable. He let you and your daughter down. Never forget that

I suggest counselling (to get over him) or therapy (to develop self esteem and confidence). Once you truly believe and know that you deserve better, everything will be a lot easier

At that stage, message him "I respect your relationship with daughter X but i do not wish a romantic relationship with you. Please don't ask again". If he keeps asking, send this exact message again, or ignore him. Don't engage with conversation about it. He should respect your boundary, as you previously respected his

MerryUmberHedgehog · 03/05/2026 08:29

Do you love him?? I think we can all see the answer to that one. So absolutely not. Tell him firmly to STOP with the whining and emotional blackmail. You dont want to hear it. He sounds emotionally unstable and Id be thinking twice about letting him see her on his own tbh.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 03/05/2026 07:21

Unda110 · 03/05/2026 07:02

These posts have honestly made me cry. I keep going and never share this stuff and I am amazed that every poster has said the same thing.

It’s made me think deeper about his behaviour. I remember one point when he was ignoring me I had to stay in hospital overnight as I had some bleeding. I called him from my friend’s phone as I had forgotten my phone when in my rush to leave and he answered, obviously not knowing who it was, and when I told him I was bleeding he hung up. I had forgotten this. I feel like I will never be able to meet someone new now as I am so horrendously hurt and damaged. I’m unlikely to experience a happy pregnancy now I’m late thirties. It’s so painful.

💐💐💐

Honestly find a good therapist who you have raport with. (Most workplaces offer therapy as an enhanced benefit and people forget)

Separately and I know this isnt the point but my friends/acquaintances and I who had husbands and "normal" pregnancies spent most of it complaining about all the IG bullshit nonsense of women prancing about in flower wreaths.
The only one that thought it was "magical" was (honestly) dumb as a shoe and oblivious/ unaware of all the things thst can go wrong. luckily she had a 6.5lbs baby at home without injury which she fully attributed to being relaxed and breathing well.... 🫠

Both my pregnancies were anxious stressful times and I dont think i am special in that.
We are missold this dumb myth that its all flowing dresses and corn fields...

Dont waste time thinking about the ideal pregnancy its displacement.

I'd also suggest staying single for a time as your parents and this horrible betrayal by your child's father likely mean your barometer will likely be a bit off (couple with the fact there are very few good men out there).

Original poster
Unda110 · 03/05/2026 07:02

These posts have honestly made me cry. I keep going and never share this stuff and I am amazed that every poster has said the same thing.

It’s made me think deeper about his behaviour. I remember one point when he was ignoring me I had to stay in hospital overnight as I had some bleeding. I called him from my friend’s phone as I had forgotten my phone when in my rush to leave and he answered, obviously not knowing who it was, and when I told him I was bleeding he hung up. I had forgotten this. I feel like I will never be able to meet someone new now as I am so horrendously hurt and damaged. I’m unlikely to experience a happy pregnancy now I’m late thirties. It’s so painful.

OP posts:
Greypanda86 · 03/05/2026 06:38

Unda110 · 02/05/2026 08:31

My parents actually told me my behaviour would have pushed him away when they heard about the threat of restraining order. They said there was no wonder he’d left. No basis for this as they didn’t know our relationship really at all as we lived a couple of hours away and didn’t see them frequently. That was painful to hear and since then they’ve bought him gifts for his birthday etc to pass on to him! They say it’s to encourage him in DD’s life. I don’t pass anything on. I bin it as their lack of loyalty makes me feel broken. They do acknowledge his behaviour was shit though.

Those mentioning that he wouldn’t be around properly for illness , I guess sometimes I think that’s better than having nobody there as I get older? I realise how sad that sounds as I type it.

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

It sounds like you are still convincing yourself this is the right thing to do. You’ve got issues here that you need to deal with caused by your parents and him and your self esteem has been hit massively. Why are you explaining to this man the relationship you want and letting him speak to you like that. I feel like no matter what you are actually gonna give this a go and I’m telling you it will be the biggest mistake of your life, please don’t do it, please don’t entertain this bullshit of flowers and being the best dad ever, he’s a shit dad he left you heavily pregnant and didn’t see his baby for a year he’s a complete shit dad who is stepping up to get back in your knickers then it will all disappear. Why do you say it will be better than growing old alone? He’s not the only man on the planet, meet someone new and fuck this one off he’s bad news from start to finish and your parents are bloody horrible saying that to you, I do really feel for you. If a man had left me heavily pregnant and disappeared for 12 months there’s not a chance in hell my parents would ever speak to him again let alone buy him gifts to encourage him to be a good dad - do some people hear themselves when they speak and not realise how completely fucked up it sounds. Good luck OP

Supporting2026 · 03/05/2026 01:24

Can I suggest you re-evaluate the "he's a great Dad" claim. No one who behaves the way he did and is doing to you is likely to be a great Dad. I'm sure your daughter has fun with him in the time they spend together but I also would be surprised if he's shown himself capable of genuinely supporting her - my bet is he's a Disney dad, its all fun but he does none of the hard stuff with her and makes sure his relationship with her is on his terms. My nearly 3 year old has gone through a month of huge emotional outbursts due to potty training with me because i am their safe space - i bet this guy wouldn't be able to cope with a single hour long tantrum and he's probably never had to as for all her adoration I bet your daughter doesn't trust him enough to be that vulnerable. How much does he even see her. A fun day once a week is a lot easier than the 24/7 grind of real parenting.

Kilofoxtrot99 · 02/05/2026 23:29

Gwenna · 02/05/2026 17:01

Think you need the Friday Night 1994 thread @Kilofoxtrot99 😁

Show quote history

I know… what a tit- sorry! 😆

Owly11 · 02/05/2026 22:58

So he threatened you with a restraining order and your parents supported him and are encouraging him (paying him?) to get back into your life. Don't even think about it for a second. He sounds like an abusive cu t and your parents not much better. Decent people don't threaten restraining orders and loving parents don't support an ex over their own child.

TwinklySquid · 02/05/2026 22:34

He walked out, threatens a restraining order and Denies paternity and you worry you are the one letting your child down?

When people show you who they are, believe them. Don’t

Nogimachi · 02/05/2026 22:15

wrongthinker · 02/05/2026 15:45

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

There you go, OP. He hasn't changed or become a better person. He is still ready to criticise and manipulate you in order to get what he wants.

You know what a genuinely good man would have said in response to that? He would have said something like, "I totally understand. I let you down when you needed me most, and treated you appallingly. I am so grateful that you let me be part of your life at all after the things I said and did to you. I could understand if you never spoke to me again. I just want you to know that whatever you decide to do in terms of meeting someone else, I support you and our daughter and as long as you are both safe and happy, that's all that matters. I'm just going to keep trying to be the best dad I can be and do whatever I can to make amends for the awful ways I hurt you in the past."

Please do not even consider getting back together with this man. Your parents also sound shit, tbh. Find someone you can trust to talk to. Don't let your ex or your weird parents get in your head and make you think you're in the wrong. You're not.

This.

Nogimachi · 02/05/2026 22:09

PrincessFairyWren · 01/05/2026 23:31

This x 100. What if your DD has a problem (illness, disability, trauma) he will just bail again.

the fact that it took him so long to even start seeing her is also telling.

Kindly OP please get some counselling and find out why your bar is so low that you even would need to ask if you’re being unreasonable.

Also be very careful. He has shown you who he is. When he realises that you are not going back it is likely that he will turn nasty again.

Show quote history

I thought this as well. He’s not likely to
react well to not getting what he wants.

Nogimachi · 02/05/2026 22:03

You are right to be cautious, he has behaved appallingly and there’s no coming back from that. Not without many years of him proving his worth to you and your daughter.
How are you ever going to feel secure that he won’t abandon you again? Abandoning his pregnant girlfriend and refusing to support his child is objectively one of the worst possible things a man could do.

Portugal1987 · 02/05/2026 21:54

Unda110 · 02/05/2026 08:31

My parents actually told me my behaviour would have pushed him away when they heard about the threat of restraining order. They said there was no wonder he’d left. No basis for this as they didn’t know our relationship really at all as we lived a couple of hours away and didn’t see them frequently. That was painful to hear and since then they’ve bought him gifts for his birthday etc to pass on to him! They say it’s to encourage him in DD’s life. I don’t pass anything on. I bin it as their lack of loyalty makes me feel broken. They do acknowledge his behaviour was shit though.

Those mentioning that he wouldn’t be around properly for illness , I guess sometimes I think that’s better than having nobody there as I get older? I realise how sad that sounds as I type it.

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

This is not a partner. This is just your DD’s dad.

Do you feel anything for him? I think that’s reason no. 1.

Your daughter may grow up thinking she should just settle for someone that doesn’t treat her right and left when she was expected.

He is awful for that and you can remind him. He left you and your daughter, threatened you, and now is manipulating you by commenting like that.

Pinkflamingo10 · 02/05/2026 21:51

He is not a “great dad “ at all. How he treated his pregnant partner and baby is forever a stain on his dad career

Zerosleep · 02/05/2026 21:39

I understand you feeling like you want a proper family with both parents present but the reality is his behaviour before showed you his true colours. People don’t change. You are better off maintaining an approach to shared parenting. I personally wouldn’t let him anywhere near you. Good luck OP.

BeigeandGreige · 02/05/2026 21:33

Agree with all the other posters.

OP he showed you who he really was. Open your eyes.

I could understand (slightly) if it was an 18 year old running away and being terrified of being a dad ( even though still old enough to know what unprotected sex brings!) but a 40 year old man leaving you in your most vulnerable of times... to me, is unforgivable.

Now he’s back because he’s realised the grass isn’t greener, absolutely not. Please have morals and standards OP, you deserve much better than this waste of space. Good dad or not.

Please be kind to yourself.

Horses7 · 02/05/2026 21:28

Noooooo!
Don’t fall for it.
If he adored you he wouldn’t have left you - he treated you and your D appallingly.

Hatty65 · 02/05/2026 21:09

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

I'd have ripped him apart for this. How DARE he pass judgement on the way you may decide to live your life after his own appalling behaviour?

I would have nothing more to do with him, OP. Seriously. He needs to make arrangements to pick up/have contact with DD that do not involve him having any conversations whatsoever with you. Open the door, hand her over and close it in his face.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp says it all beautifully.

Wooky073 · 02/05/2026 21:03

If he had been a 17 year old or even 19 year old it’s possibly forgivable on the grounds of he wasn’t mature enough. But he was a full gown 40 year old adult. He was cruel to you and your DD. He made threats to you to make you go away…. That’s toxic and very dark behaviour. Never ever trust this man and never let him in again- you would be letting down your daughter if you did. He is currently using manipulation tactics to wheedle his way back in. Once in you would see his cruel side again.

You have done great getting on with your life without him. By all means you can allow your daughter her own relationship with him but be cautious.

Men who behave like this at age 40 do not come good . Keep your boundaries in place and your guard up

fruitfly3 · 02/05/2026 20:58

Absolutely not OP - he’s a great Dad to your daughter and that can feel alluring (especially when you’ve had little support), but it does not make him a good life partner. They are two totally different things and he has proven without doubt not to be the latter

Lauraanddogs · 02/05/2026 20:54

Unda110 · 01/05/2026 21:17

Sorry I meant to add that he genuinely is a great dad to dd now. And he is decent towards me, pays substantially more than cms states, buys flowers for dd to give to me and things like that.

Is he love bombing… So he can do it all over again one day when he doesn’t feel mature enough to cope with his responsibilities (again). His history shows he isn’t a good Dad, he cannot pick and choose. Be wary for both you and your daughters sake x

MrsPottscloset · 02/05/2026 20:33

He ghosted you when you were pregnant and vulnerable!
He threatened to get a restraining order against you!
He denied he was the father of your child!
He got in touch when DD was 6 months old but took another 6 months to meet her!
This man is absolutely disgusting please do not contemplate getting back with him, he is toxic!