To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

Do you love him?

I'm always inclined to give people a chance. However, I can't forsee a time when you can ever put this aside. It is too major and would greatly impact any future you had together to your detriment.
Let him be in his daughter's life and contribute financially to reduce the pressure on you but I would be extremely reluctant to let him into your life.

Sorry, no. A 40yo who doesn't know better than to put his baby first is a piece of shit.

He might be doing better with her now but that didn't help you be the best mum you could when you were doing nights alone.

I'd bet my bottom dollar that if you look closely and are really honest with yourself, he sees you as the best option for an easy life. Slip into your house, play dad and be the family man, all with lower bills and sex on tap.

Nah, he's a sad man who played a game of chance, thought there was better out there, skipped the hard parts and lost.the game. I'd let the fucker be lonely.

Has he ever been a great dad to your DD when he wasn’t simultaneously trying to get back in your knickers?

He was a pretty shit dad to her for the first 2/3rds of her life…

And what happens next time he can’t cope with his emotions? Will he abandon you again? Even if you forgive what he did how will you trust him?

you are not Leyton you child down. He did. As a parent it doesnt matter what you are going through you meet you responsibility as a parent. He has shown he puts himself first instead. It’s not letting your child down to protect them from that. He can have a good relationship with her without being your partner and then if he flakes it’s less damaging

Great dad? The best thing a father can do for his child is to love the child's mum. Great dad, my arse in parsley.

OP, you could be right and he absolutely could be sorry and a good dad etc etc, that doesn't mean you have to get back together. He can be sorry and you can accept that and he can learn to live with his mistake 🤷‍♀️ being sorry does not mean you have to give him what he wants. You don't owe him a relationship because he is sorry.

Stick to your guns. Its the thrill of the chase. He is an avoidant. Once he gets what he wants he will start to retreat and you will end up chasing him driving yourself crazy. Hold onto the pain you felt before and find an emotionally mature akd secure man to spend the next chapter with.

Walkacrossthesand · Today 23:17
**I think you may be on the wrong thread?

JFC- so sorry, no idea how I managed that…

YANBU to be unable to forgive him. What he did was horrible. He doesn't deserve your trust. I'd try to keep things cautiously amicable for your daughter's sake, but I wouldn't ever trust him with my heart again. There's no excuse for how he behaved and no reason to give him a second chance. He should be grateful you haven't tried to keep him away from your daughter, tbh. (And I'd be slightly wary that he might pull some similar crap with her in the future—freaking out about something and cutting off communication—though I sincerely hope he won't.)

This x 100. What if your DD has a problem (illness, disability, trauma) he will just bail again.

the fact that it took him so long to even start seeing her is also telling.

Kindly OP please get some counselling and find out why your bar is so low that you even would need to ask if you’re being unreasonable.

Also be very careful. He has shown you who he is. When he realises that you are not going back it is likely that he will turn nasty again.

Your question suggests that there were significant mitigating circumstances in play when he left you at 7+ months pregnant and threatened you with a restraining order. I finished reading your post. There were no mitigating circumstances, at all. The "context" seems to be that he's a good dad.

His relationship with his child is entirely distinct from his relationship with you, in the sense that a romantic relationship between you is not necessary for him to be the best dad in the world to your daughter. This is someone who cuts and runs when the going gets tough. Imagine if you got back with him and you suffered an accident or a serious illness? You wouldn't be able to trust that he'd stay. Find someone who deserves you.

He callously and deliberately fucked you over at the most vulnerable time in your life. Think of your DD as an adult would you advise her to get back with a man who had treated her that way?

No. You cannot trust him. Not a chance. Let him bond with his child but keep him at arms length or you’ll waste a few years on him and end up regretting it.

Has he any idea what you must have gone through to be pregnant alone, give birth alone and cope as a fully single/lone parent in those first few years. Also don’t forget the threat of a restraining order! That is the most shocking part for me!

@Kilofoxtrot99I think you may be on the wrong thread?

No, I think you're wise to be cautious, very cautious. He has to live with the consequences of his actions back then and the truly awful way he treated you.
The very most he can hope from you is friendship for the sake of your child, even that would be generous of you tbh.

He really needs to listen to you and stop the pressure and back off on the romance side and just be a good dad. If he doesn't back off when you've asked him to then he's not really changed imo.
Sorry you went through this OP and wish you happiness for the future.

It is completely up to you, but while she is young, you could give him a chance, if you are feeling like you want to? Do what you want, but don't just feel you don't have the right to change your mind.

I think that the test of most relationships are times of big change or difficulty. Having a child is arguably one of life’s biggest changes and he completely and utterly dropped the ball. If you were ever to take him back, how would you ever feel safe and secure that he’d truly be there for you should another big change or challenge happen?

Him ghosting you while pregnant (and vulnerable), threatening a restraining order, denying paternity and then not taking proactive steps to see his child until his they were a year old, cannot be explained away by ‘not being ready’.

No, let him be a good dad and provide for his child but keep everything platonic. You deserve someone who will pull you closer during big changes or challenges and be there for you. Working together to get through things. He’s shown you when the going gets tough, he gets going! Who wants to take a chance on a future with someone like that?

Absolutely not. Ghosting his unborn child and partner at forty years old is unforgivable. Don’t let him slide, he didn’t communicate and was actively hostile when you tried. No way.

This

He’s not just reacted badly to becoming a father though, has he? He’s treated you like absolute shit - ignoring you, abandoning you and getting a friend to threaten you with restraining orders. It’s utterly despicable and being worried about being a father is an utterly pathetic, weak, cowardly excuse. You lived together yet he denied being the father, so accused you of cheating. This treatment went on and on and on - it wasn’t a mistake or a one off.

Just arrived in London in my early 20’s, discovered the Swan in Stockwell, Brixton academy, Shepards bush and Hammersmith palais, the joy of Glastonbury, raves at Vauxhall, locum working for months solid and going to Europe for the summer, dossing on peoples floors, just utter freedom and joyousness… now grown up children, early night tonight and about to retire and spend the kids inheritance buying a motor home and driving all round Europe again… great thread btw!

He’s the lowest calibre of man going. He ghosted you, threatened to get a restraining order, made out you were sleeping with other people to avoid paying until you got a paternity test. Didn’t see his daughter for ages. And then said he hadn’t been ready to be a father - when he was middle aged! There are 16 year olds more mature fathers than him!! And he thinks you should take him back??

Do yourself (and your daughter) a favour and get yourself a proper man/partner who will be a decent role model for your daughter, even though she will still see her father.

im amazed you can even stomach looking at this man, let alone consider getting back with him!

Tell him that you will consider it 5 years from now if he's maintained excellent behaviour throughout. So far he's been on good dad behaviour for a very short time compared to his previous diabolical actions.