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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

407 replies

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 19:28

The reason I’m asking is because a colleague is away for the weekend. She came back to work in January after having a baby, so her DD is around 16/17 months now. She also mentioned she had a weekend away in February.

My DS is now five and I have a two year old as well. I’ve yet to have a night away as DD still doesn’t sleep through and I’m not sure DH would wake up / be able to sort her (she can be a bit funny overnight.) Is it just me?

OP posts:
drunkelephant83 · 01/05/2026 21:29

Also what would you do if you left your husband or he left you? You’d have to both get on with and get over it!

Roads · 01/05/2026 21:27

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 01/05/2026 21:23

Do you really think so little of the man you married that you don't think he'd be able to cope with 24 hours of looking after his own children?

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It's a lot of excuses isn't it. I'm sure if the OP injured herself she would still have to do all the bedtimes and wakings.

In 5 years it's worrying that he's done no bedtimes or night wakes. It's not a case of them having a preference for their mum it's a case of them having a preference for the parent who cares for them.

Original poster
Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:27

Cocktailsandcheese · 01/05/2026 21:09

It's such a personal thing and there's no right or wrong. Lots of women being very judgemental on this thread towards those who have never been away, but there is no "normal", it's whatever works for you and your family.

A lot of what you have said reasonates with me OP, I have never felt able to have a night away because my youngest always wants me overnight, but that doesn't really bother me because I've never wanted a night away anyway so it's all good.

Thanks. I don’t honestly feel we have a bad life or that I do. I do a lot at the moment but that’s for the really intense phase of three and under and I’m very nearly there in terms of not having such young children. DD turns three this August so starts school next September so basically have the next, what, sixteen months or so? And I think most children’s sleep seems to settle a bit after three anyway (obviously you’ll always get bad nights due to illness etc.)

In just a few months the tables will turn and I’ll have far more free time and flexibility than DH does, but right now I don’t and all the posts claiming I’m ’fucking tragic’ (nice Hmm) aren’t going to change that!

OP posts:
drunkelephant83 · 01/05/2026 21:27

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 20:45

So I can see there are a lot of don’t martyr yourself type comments and I’m not doing so intentionally. But I have to be honest and say I really don’t think DH would cope. He’d be OK with the five year old; probably a later and more chaotic bedtime than ideal but OK as a one off but he just wouldn’t wake for the two year old and even if he did, she would get very distressed without me and be impossible to settle and then that would wake the five year old.

Obviously a hospital stay or if I died would be different as they’d have to adapt to a new normal but a night away just for the sake of it just wouldn’t be fair on the children.

I am very jealous that colleague can just leave their baby with her husband and that’s it, no need for anything else. I did think that this would be the case with DH too and then the reality of children happened! But as I’ve said, I can now leave said five year old with him; it may be that in a year or two I can have a night away.

You can just leave your kids also, everyone starts somewhere, you’ve just not given him the chance.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 01/05/2026 21:23

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:07

@Roads i am sure it would be possible in the sense that I could do it, it’s just that honestly it would be pretty miserable for both children and for DH. To add to the problem, he’s also done himself an injury of some sort and is in a lot of pain (it’s been ongoing for a few months) so I guess I feel like now isn’t the time to be making a stand. Obviously that’s a bit of a drip feed but in fairness I didn’t exactly start the thread with a view to having a night away any time soon, I was just idly interested in others’ lives!

Do you really think so little of the man you married that you don't think he'd be able to cope with 24 hours of looking after his own children?

FlyingApple · 01/05/2026 21:22

I never had a night away from mine, never wanted to.

AccidentalPrawnYouFool · 01/05/2026 21:20

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 20:45

So I can see there are a lot of don’t martyr yourself type comments and I’m not doing so intentionally. But I have to be honest and say I really don’t think DH would cope. He’d be OK with the five year old; probably a later and more chaotic bedtime than ideal but OK as a one off but he just wouldn’t wake for the two year old and even if he did, she would get very distressed without me and be impossible to settle and then that would wake the five year old.

Obviously a hospital stay or if I died would be different as they’d have to adapt to a new normal but a night away just for the sake of it just wouldn’t be fair on the children.

I am very jealous that colleague can just leave their baby with her husband and that’s it, no need for anything else. I did think that this would be the case with DH too and then the reality of children happened! But as I’ve said, I can now leave said five year old with him; it may be that in a year or two I can have a night away.

This is tragic. Sorry OP but read this back. He needs to be able to cope - why are you enabling this behaviour? I think you’ll actually find that he will cope absolutely fine - and even if he doesn’t they’ll not actually come to any harm other than be a bit tired will they - what actually do you think will happen?

GeorgianFavade · 01/05/2026 21:19

awfulapril · 01/05/2026 21:01

"Not sure DH would cope "

ffs women. We are the worst

It’s just fucking dismal, isn’t it?

Shmurtle · 01/05/2026 21:18

Mine are 6 and 3 and I've never had a night away. But I've never understood why "nights away" are such a big deal for adults. I loved a sleepover when I was a child, but as an adult, unless I'm away on a proper holiday, I want to be in my own comfy bed!
DH and I both have nights out, together or separately. And we've been on family holidays in the UK and abroad, but the faff of going to another city for one night of crap sleep in a strange bed just doesn't appeal to me. Even before having kids I never really saw the point.
But for some people that's the dream! Each to their own!

tofumad · 01/05/2026 21:16

awfulapril · 01/05/2026 21:01

"Not sure DH would cope "

ffs women. We are the worst

Yes. Some women want to be irreplaceable. They make themselves irreplaceable to their small children. Then they can never do anything.

GeorgianFavade · 01/05/2026 21:14

DD is 6. I didn’t have nights away when she was small because it was during Covid, but since then I usually have a couple of long weekends (Fri and Sat) visiting / away with friends every year, as well as the occasional night away. DH is more than capable, and I do the same in return when he goes away with his friends.

OneDayEarly · 01/05/2026 21:13

rwalker · 01/05/2026 21:08

Do you not worry about having no life when your redundant when the start growing up and naturally pull away from you

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No because they can’t see that far ahead. These are the women who also either have no friends or are only friends with the parents of their children’s friends. They have no life outside their tiny world and then get so confused why they are friendless or are having a Divorce when the children have all moved out

LindorDoubleChoc · 01/05/2026 21:12

YABU.

Endofyear · 01/05/2026 21:11

We always took turns with bedtime and getting up in the night so our kids were always happy to go to either of us. Yes, when they were very small babies they probably had a preference for mum but DH was very hands on and spent plenty of time looking after them on his own so by the time they were toddlers we were interchangeable. I can't imagine not being able to leave my kids with their own father!

DuskOPorter · 01/05/2026 21:10

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:03

Ah, but you can’t know until you are a parent and it’s a bit late then; you can’t return them!

Seriously, I thought we’d be pretty equal. There is actually a thread knocking around here I posted about a month before I had ds and I re read it sometimes and smile ruefully at my naivety. You think you know but sometimes you just don’t.

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I had a pretty shitty upbringing with 2 parents that weren’t hands on emotionally so I was very selective about not picking a husband who would be like that.

DH was hands on from the instant our first was born, that was really important to me. I knew before we had kids that he’d be hands on because he was really into kids. That is pretty culturally common around here among my friends, it really is 50/50 parenting among my peers.

godmum56 · 01/05/2026 21:09

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:01

It doesn’t really solve the problem of her not wanting him though.

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and she never will if you don't gently help her to.

Cocktailsandcheese · 01/05/2026 21:09

It's such a personal thing and there's no right or wrong. Lots of women being very judgemental on this thread towards those who have never been away, but there is no "normal", it's whatever works for you and your family.

A lot of what you have said reasonates with me OP, I have never felt able to have a night away because my youngest always wants me overnight, but that doesn't really bother me because I've never wanted a night away anyway so it's all good.

rwalker · 01/05/2026 21:08

YourShyLion · 01/05/2026 20:07

I have never left mine overnight and never would. People choose to be parents, it's not part time.

Do you not worry about having no life when your redundant when the start growing up and naturally pull away from you

BudgetBuster · 01/05/2026 21:08

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 20:56

It’s a difficult and sometimes frustrating one. Some of it isn’t DHs fault; overnight, DD wants me and only me (and first thing in the morning too, annoyingly enough) and gets very upset if DH tries to go into her. Yes, maybe we could force the issue but in practice that would look like … me prodding and poking DH awake, DH limping and groaning to DDs room and taking ages and DD getting more and more worked up; DD then hysterical because it’s not me and shouting for mummy, eventually DS wakes up, after hours everyone goes back to sleep and are grumpy the next day with hardly any rest (including me …) OR I go into her and settle her in a minute or two and go back to sleep; everyone else oblivious.

so that isn’t DHs fault. It did surprise me the extent though that babies and toddlers seem to need their mother overnight, even older children. As in the day DS has a daddy preference but at night if he wakes (which is barely ever) it’s me he comes to.

Show quote history

My son is the same. In fact he's upstairs now screaming because his Dad is putting him to bed... but I'm 8 months pregnant and they both need to bloody get used to it.

I have been like you... just doing it myself because it's quicker, easier, nobody gets worked up, DH isn't cranky. But actually if I had made him do more earlier on, I think they would actually be better off because DS wouldn't be so used to me doing it all.

LaughingCat · 01/05/2026 21:07

My DH cured me of this by getting me a spa visit at a lovely hotel for Mother’s Day this year when my LO was 5-months-old. Then told me he’d booked me dinner and a room there for the night and he’d pick me up the next day. I had no clean clothes or even a toothbrush 😂.

Super-lovely gesture - really didn’t enjoy being away from her for Mother’s Day but, bless him, he tried. He looked after her all night, and they were absolutely, almost insultingly fine. Even though he’s recovering from a major stroke and she can get fussy 🤷‍♀️

Having just seen the other thread about the man berating his wife for not being more grateful that he’d held his kid for 25 minutes, I can only shake my head at this one. How will your DH ever step up and parent if you don’t go away and let him?

Original poster
Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:07

@Roads i am sure it would be possible in the sense that I could do it, it’s just that honestly it would be pretty miserable for both children and for DH. To add to the problem, he’s also done himself an injury of some sort and is in a lot of pain (it’s been ongoing for a few months) so I guess I feel like now isn’t the time to be making a stand. Obviously that’s a bit of a drip feed but in fairness I didn’t exactly start the thread with a view to having a night away any time soon, I was just idly interested in others’ lives!

OP posts:
godmum56 · 01/05/2026 21:07

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 20:45

So I can see there are a lot of don’t martyr yourself type comments and I’m not doing so intentionally. But I have to be honest and say I really don’t think DH would cope. He’d be OK with the five year old; probably a later and more chaotic bedtime than ideal but OK as a one off but he just wouldn’t wake for the two year old and even if he did, she would get very distressed without me and be impossible to settle and then that would wake the five year old.

Obviously a hospital stay or if I died would be different as they’d have to adapt to a new normal but a night away just for the sake of it just wouldn’t be fair on the children.

I am very jealous that colleague can just leave their baby with her husband and that’s it, no need for anything else. I did think that this would be the case with DH too and then the reality of children happened! But as I’ve said, I can now leave said five year old with him; it may be that in a year or two I can have a night away.

it will be much easier for your kids and your husband if they are used to doing it before an emergency happens

Roads · 01/05/2026 21:04

I'm going to be honest I feel like your responses are an attempt to convince yourself it's not been possible so that's why you've never done it. I suspect however if you did you'd find they both coped fine because they know you're not there and you won't be able to jump in to fix it so he would do it and whilst it wouldn't be the same as you doing it it would still be fine.

It actually shows how little he cares about you and your needs that he won't even step up to try and persevere through a bit of grumpiness.

Original poster
Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:03

DuskOPorter · 01/05/2026 21:01

I find it so mad. I BF for years so was very hands on but still on occasion left my kids with their Dad overnight for normal adult nights away demands. I’d feel I’d failed if I’d picked another parent who couldn’t parent.

Edited

Ah, but you can’t know until you are a parent and it’s a bit late then; you can’t return them!

Seriously, I thought we’d be pretty equal. There is actually a thread knocking around here I posted about a month before I had ds and I re read it sometimes and smile ruefully at my naivety. You think you know but sometimes you just don’t.

OP posts:
rwalker · 01/05/2026 21:03

Each to there own but I don’t think it beneficial for kids to be so dependent and only used to one person

I think a lot of the time it’s about the parent rather than the kid they like to create a dependency to make them an indispensable martyr