AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

@tofumad

no. The time for going out lots has passed when you become a mum. It’s time to stay home

My first night away from dd was when she was around 3, and even then, it was out of necessity rather than choice. I had always managed to bring DH and DD along with me when travelling for work before that, and I wouldn't have chosen to go away without her just for fun.

I don't think yabu. Some people feel a strong need to get away and have a break, which is totally fair enough. Other people may not feel any desperate need to have time away from their kids, and there is no necessity for them to do so.

I guess i am a bad mum. I went away for 7 nights when the baby was 3 months. DH coped very well which wasn't a surprise. I have had numerous nights away when the kids were growing up.

Such low expectations of fathers on this thread. And a host of excuses for their failures.

Babies and toddlers generally do prefer their mums, I agree. Mine did too.

But I wasn't interested in being the only person getting up in the night and DH didn't want me to be broken through lack of sleep. So we just pushed through it and he found his way with night wakings and his own way of comforting the kids.

It sounds like you haven't even tried your DH doing any of it? That is a bit mummy martyr of you and it doesn't speak well of him either that he has watched you for years doing everything at night and not even had a decent try at doing his share.

If you're happy with it, it's your life. I expected more.

Don't be ridiculous OP. Of course you can go away for a weekend. Your DH will cope and nobody will die.

I first had a night away from my twins when they had an overnight school visit, aged 11. I wouldn’t want to go away without them but this trip was planned by the school and they enjoyed it. My daughter has two sons and regularly has time on jaunts away from them. I love staying and looking after them. Each to their own.

It's fine if you just don't want to, but your husband is a grown up, he really should be able to manage.

People don’t really care if you’ve left your kids or not, but we’re all tired of reading about these feckless husbands who can’t cope with their own children, and the wives who won’t let them learn.

My daughter is nearly 10 and has never had a night away from me. It doesn't bother me at all.

How do you cope? Because you had to do it, so you worked it out.

I don’t know what to say to you if you honestly think a grown man can’t look after two small kids when you magically cope just fine 🤷‍♀️

Why should your PIL look after them over night when their own father doesn’t.

For me this isn't about having a night away. Many on here won't leave their kids (i did from an early age but everyone needs to do what is right for them.)

You talk as if he can't do bedtime. It would be later so kids tired. Does he not put the children to bed at all? Do you not have a night off?

You talk that DC get up early and want you. Do you not take turns at the weekend for getting up/lie in?

I think whats unreasonable is that your DH hasnt had the experience of looking after the kids alone. I think you are making a rod for your own back there. Just allowing him to take a step back.

He’s her dad. He can and should be taking his turn to settle her in the night. And I say this as a mum of 2 clingy babies. Unless you married and had kids with a real fucking waste of space he CAN take care of his own children for one night and should be- regularly.

We had a few mini breaks within the first year or so, didnt see an issue

I do think you’re getting a bit of a hard time here @Moreroardinosaur!
Everyone’s circumstances are everyone’s kids are completely different and handle things differently - as @Shmurtle has pointed out.

I had my first night away this year. DS is 5.5yo. My best friend has a child the same age who spends one night a week as his grandparents and has since he was about 2 months old, and she has a night away every month with friends and leaves her DS with DH too. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with either of our approaches - they’re just different 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have a fantastic DH, but he works away for weeks at a time (regularly - not a once in a while thing) and we have no other family nearby. So naturally, DS is far more attached to me when it comes to wanting comfort. When he’s home DH always did his fair share of night wakes etc when DS was younger but it was 10x harder and longer for him to resettle DS than it was for me. I could easily have gone and left them for the night - DH was absolutely capable of parenting, but honestly, I’d just have spent the night thinking about the fact they were likely having a rough night rather than actually enjoying myself, so what’s the point? 🤷🏻‍♀️

DH also has sleep apnea and uses a CPAP now (since DS was about 1.5yo) and quite honestly, it’s like trying to wake the dead if you need him in the night 🫠 He genuinely does NOT hear DS if he wakes up - and not just in a “oh, she’ll deal with it” kind of way - he physically needs to be shaken awake. So part of me has always felt unable to leave when DS was younger due to that too. DH would absolutely get up and deal with the night wake or whatever the issue was, but had to be shaken awake by me first.

Everyone’s circumstances are different. Personally, @Moreroardinosaur in your situation, I would work on DH being able to find his way to settle the kids. It will absolutely mean less sleep for you all for a while but I do think it’s good for kids to be able to settle away from the main caregiver. It definitely took a while for DH and DS to figure out their system due to DS relying so much on me for comfort when DH was away but after a little while he was happy being comforted by DH.

I can't work out if this is meant to be funny, or a genuine viewpoint?

No, a lot of people do prefer to be with their family, as we spend most of out waking lives at work, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be with our children/husband when we aren't. And if I had spare money, I'd rather take a holiday with them than with friends, though going away with a group of friends with kids of similar ages can be fun when they're older.

I've been away one or two nights from my 2 year old and she wasn't thrilled that I wasn't there during the night, but my DH consoled her and they both coped! If you don't want a night away, then that's absolutely fair enough. But if you do, give your DH the chance to parent without you there.

I don't think it's a case of being U or not. If you think you're better than other women because of it then that would be but I don't get that vibe here. I went away to do some filming for 3 days when my daughter was 7 months old. She stayed with my mum just because DH used to have a long commute at that time and would have had to mess with her routine.

It went to Australia for 2 weeks when my eldest was 17 months. It was for work, but it was fantastic. I also had a weekend away when she was 8 months, also for a work training, but that was in the UK.

I’ve always travelled loads. Took dd away to Italy when ds was 16 months. I take a holiday every year without them - walked a Camino for 10 days.

Dh is very competent. He doesn’t have a choice for weaponised incompetence because I have always just left and he’s had to figure it out. We co-slept so he could manage nights just fine. When, for example, dd was 8 months and I was away, he put dd in the sidecar cot and didn’t bedshare, but once they were toddlers they could sleep in the bed safely.

Toddler DS also prefers me overnight(I still breastfeed as well). I still went for a 3 day hen do abroad around 16 months. DS woke up a couple of times, DH rocked him back to sleep. Not an issue.

Your children aren't the problem, your DH is.