AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

My DD is very almost 3, I’ve been on a 4 night hen do abroad, a 3 night girls weekend in this country and my DH and I have had numerous date nights where Grandparents have asked if she can go and stay (gone out for dinner or just stayed home and had a take away and some wine)/also stayed at a spa hotel a couple of times since she’s been born. DS is 8 months and I left him with DH whilst I went on said 3 night break away in this country with my friends. Grandparents on both sides love having them to stay over and we welcome it. DD adores spending time with them, she gets a fun day out/unlimited treats, more bonding time with them and we get time together without the children and actually get to sleep and have a lay in the next day. It keeps our sanity and we are very lucky to have the “village” that we do. I don’t ever feel guilty about it, all the time DD is more than happy to go then I’ll go with it! DD pulls out her little suitcase and starts choosing her pjs, what cuddly toy she’s doing to take, what bedtime book she wants them to read etc, she loves it. DH is also more than capable of looking after his children, that’s why I’m happy to go away for time with friends now and then (once a year really). DH has an annual camping trip with his friends from school which is 3 nights, he also usually has a stag do abroad once a year so off he goes for time with friends too. I think it’s healthy personally.

Ah ok lol

Arose bloody auto correct

@Thechaseison71No, I was obviously away from my 13 year old when I had the 9 year old but my DH was home with him. I misread the OP as I said at the end that I misunderstood the thread and initially thought it was about not being able to have nights away with a partner.

Dis you have a home birth for the 9 year old?

My kids are 13 and 9. The only night away DH and I have had is when my now 13yr old was 1 and my sister had him while we went to a wedding.

My parents have never ever offered and never will, and DH’s parents live 3 hours away. I hate that we can’t ever have a night away for anniversaries or anything.

*edited to say I didn’t read the OP properly and didn’t realise it was about leaving kids with a DH. Luckily my DH could have always managed if the need had arosed.

I was the same. Realise now that’s it’s not normal for Dad not to be able to cope, or not be able to wake up for the baby because as Mum we aren’t given the choice. Weaponised incompetence to make their lives easier and ours harder. I bet he could easily go away for a night or a weekend, bet it wouldn’t cross his mind that you might not be able to cope for a night.

It is basically the same thing though isn't it. Leaving your children on two occasions in six years is hardly a sign that you shouldn't have bothered having them is it? Pretty stupid to pretend that means you cba with them or that you're a bad parent. Insanely judgemental to suggest that. There's loads of good, fun, and necessary reasons to leave children (with loving grandparents as well!). Don't be a martyr or pass your separation anxiety onto your kids.

You obviously didn't get the sarcasm

Not the same thing at all. Going out with friends or a spouse is quite different from leaving kids while you go on holiday.

Why bother having children if you sleep in a different room to them? You should stay up late so you can look at them. Try not to blink. Don't send them to school, Why bother having children just to get rid of them in the day? You shouldn't let them have friends or go to clubs. Why bother having children if you're not with them constantly? There's no need for them to experience other things or develop other relationships. Why bother having them if they're not 100% reliant on you and never leave your sight? You must both quit your jobs. Why bother having children if you're going to go to work and not stay at home with them? You should not spend time alone with your partner. You are just a parent now, not a friend or a spouse. Why bother having children if you don't want to abandon all aspects of your former personality?

You know you can do both - holidays as a family and a trip away as a couple?

Yanbu
I know parents who have dc 2 and 6 and they have gone abroad twice without their kids. Grandparents babysat. I just thought what rubbish parents☹️. Why bother having children is you go away without them. Part of the fun of having children is to go on holiday with them.

I didn’t have an overnighter in years as we had no childcare and I didn’t have that sort of relationship with friends. Breastfed kids to age 2 so always did the night shifts. DH would often wake to keep me company, but kids were clingy and only wanted me at night. If I’d had the chance, I’d have been nervous about doing an overnight social during that time, not because of DH’s coping skills, but because I’d have struggled to relax and enjoy it knowing there would be misery at home.

Then I had to go into hospital for weeks when DS was still breastfeeding and waking at night. It was a shit show for the first few nights by all accounts, but they all survived, and I reckon DS and DH ended up with a closer bond off the back of it. It was good for them in the long run. Not an essential by any means, but if it’s something you otherwise want and have the opportunity to do, then think about the big picture rather than the potential blow by blow events of the night. If your DH is as good a dad as you say he is, he’ll be fine and will get a lot out of it in his growth as a father.

Totally get it. I couldn't understand how other mums could and I wasn't able to. My ex never got up in the night to our DD and if he did, like you've said, it was chaos, I'd end up getting up to settle her anyway as he couldn't and we'd all be up for ages, with us eventually arguing as we would both be tired and stressed. He didn't particularly help in the daytime either so it was never an option for me. It's only possible for me to leave her overnight with him now because he's had to move back in with parents so I know there's someone there to help.

Every family is different, we all agree on that surely? Is it a matter of trust? Not wanting to miss a set of breastfeeding? Personal choice?

It's all a point of view, and as long as OP is happy with her choice that's fine for her. No one else. Other DM do different, there is no wrong or right here.

You're not being unreasonable but if you want to go away then you should be able to trust your husband to parent effectively. Especially after 5 year. If you don't want to go away its not really an issue.

Well the OPs husband has never had the opportunity.

When has he had a chance to do things with his kids without her always there? Possibly judging and jumping in as well

'Perfect'? For a man to be capable of doing a bit of parenting of his own kids?

@Momtotwokids

hardly perfect, hun…more like the bare minimum. Raise your bar!!

It's really sad that you are sarcastically describing being a man who can temporarily look after his own child as "perfect"

I don’t think that’s perfect just basic parenting the same as I do when he goes away

I'm surprised no one hasn't told you to leave your husband yet. All these perfect men who take care of their children while the wife goes away.

As long as you’re not judging your colleague for doing what suits her, you do you. Personally I hope I am ready to leave my child before they’re 5 cos I need a full nights sleep 😂

Either 🤷‍♀️
But either way its sad.
If you cant trust your DH or DP to look after your children, why have children with them?!

Baffles me.
Plus its good for children to learn to rely on people other than their mum. And to see their mum having some independence/life of her own