AIBU to expect my husband to look after baby without it being a favour to me?

He's an arse. I never wanted my DH to turn into one of those "I work you do kids" guys so I never stopped working.

I'd have kicked the lazy bastard in to the middle of next week. Men only want babies if they don't have to do anything to look after them.

Massive red flags! Fuck that! I'd be gone. Pouring away his beer, refusing to eat food. My God get out!

If looking after children is so easy then doing his share won’t be any bother for him.

Why should it be 50-50 when he’s the one that goes to work and provides for his family. What fucking planet do some of these man haters live on

Baby has two parents , he sounds very selfish refusing dinner and tipping his beer. Id stop cooking for him until he respects you. If that fails , bin him as he is useless

Dearest OP, this is far from a healthy relationship as it seems that he keeps you just that bit too tired and overwhelmed and shows just enough "niceness" to keep you from thinking clearly.

You think you still love him but isn't it more true that you love the man he could potentially be if he actually cared and put in the effort? Believe me, even if you saw some of that at the beginning of your relationship, you aren't going to see it again, at least on a permanent basis. I'm speaking from both personal experience and observation of others relationships.

It appears from your posts that you are in an abusive relationship. Just because he doesn't hit you, doesn't mean it's not abusive.

Please contact whatever domestic violence helpline you have in your country and speak to them. Or if you have a sympathetic female GP, talk to her.

Wasting food in a sulk is abusive behavior.
Making the children upset, afraid or cry so that you step in to do the task is abusive behavior.
You being afraid to ask for a discussion about what reasonable co-parenting behavior looks like, because he won't have a discussion without turning it into a shouting and slamming doors situation, sulking, martyrdom and possible withdrawal of the minimal effort that he already puts in, is abusive behavior.
Demanding and attempting to guilt you into sex instead of ensuring that you feel energetic, attractive and attracted so that you are enthusiastic and enjoy the act, is abusive behavior.

Do you have any money of your own that he doesn't ask you to account for? Do you have to justify even small spends? Are his wages "his money that you're spending" or is it family money with both of you having equal access and responsibility? If it's the former, that's financial abuse.

Has he ever been away for a couple of days and the house felt calmer, lighter?
Would you wish your type of relationship on your children?
What would you advise your child to do if they found themselves with a partner like yours?

It sounds like you've already tried talking to him and you've tried counseling, neither of which have worked long term, so the person with whom you're living right now is the real him, because the considerate him is only available on a temporary basis at best, after a lot of effort on your part.

If splitting up is the only healthy solution, there is assistance out there. Work on your mental health. Find a good therapist. Start putting by some "Running Away Money". RAM has always been a good thing, even in healthy relationships, as it gives the woman a sense of power over her life, even if she never needs to use it.

Good luck OP. I hope the responses you're getting here are helping you to think about what you and your children need and how to achieve that.

I am so sorry but this man is bad for you. I seriously doubt he will change for the better but I expect he will change for the worse.
The image he paints in public doesn't matter. As he gets worse and more controling try to think of what line he cannot cross so you realise its time to get out. Promise yourself you will recognise the controlling behaviour when it gets to a limit you set jn your head now.
The things you have are not important. Make a plan so when he tries to stop you seeing a friend/ chosing your clothes/ is physical with you/ control your money/ control when you see your family/ says 'look what you made me do'. You know it has gone too far. Promise yourself you will recognise this for what it is tell your closest friend and ask them to help you get out.

This.

Another useless father. Could you imagine him having to look after both of his children if you split and he had some sort of custody? He wouldn’t know what’s hit him!

After a hard day at work your DH should be rushing back home to cuddle the baby. What a tosser.

My DH had a phase a few years ago where he was moaning a lot about how much he does and how little I do and how I do not appreciate, don't say thank you etc. Obviously not true that he did more but I have outsourced more of the drudge work to him because he can't do the mental load at all - is totally useless at it. I obviously don't say thank you because I never get a thank you either for what I do - so there. That was when both of us were working and I was pro rata the one with the higher salary but because I was working 4 days earned slightly less than him (have changed jobs since and earn more than him now even though I still work 4 days and he 5).

Anyway I told him in no uncertain terms that he clearly deserved better if he was unhappy in his marriage and that I was sure there would be a doormat out there for him somewhere. He should seriously consider moving on because I wasn't going to put up with his attitude - as I deserved better too. He suggested couples counselling and I refused because we've been there and I had to do the heavy lifting while he was playing the martyr. I told him he would need to do some work on himself first before I would consider counselling with him. To my surprise he did go to CBT sessions and has since dropped the martyr 'you need to be grateful for everything I do' act. I suspect he had a female counsellor :).

My husband is annoying and useless a lot of ways but even he changed his own baby’s nappy, fed her and enjoyed playing with her. Surely that’s bare minimum?

It's quite easy to be kind to other people because the kudos is instant and doesn't require the constant maintenance of a relationship.

And it's incredibly easy to say nice things. It's harder to do nice things, and behave nicely, even when you're tired and overstrained, which is most parents.

My daughter has four children, 6,4,2 and 10 months. She’s a SAHM. Her husband is out for about 12 hours a day. Like yours, when he comes home he is happy to feed, change, play with the kids. He does bedtime and reads the story. He never complains if she asks him to pick up something on his way home. He’s not perfect, he is autistic and would argue the hind leg off a donkey. He’s not weak - he’s a sergeant in the army. I’m glad both you and she have found what I would consider to be normal human beings.

Also, you are not the primary caregiver, you are the default parent. There’s a difference.

From your first post, your husband is clearly being a dick but I also wonder if there is another side to this. The other children are older so really the OP is only at home with one 10month old. It’s not like she has 3 under 5s at home and it also sounds like the OP hasn’t worked for a long time even while the middle child of 8 has been at school for 3 years. Throwing a baby into the mix when someone has been too unwell mentally to work doesn’t sound like a brilliant idea and might be the thing that has pushed both the OP and the husband over the edge. That isn’t to excuse the DH’s behaviour - he was clearly being an arse and unpleasant but this posts screams ‘there is more to this’ to me.

What a prince amongst men. Put your foot down and stop doing things for him. He can cook his own food. Also, he should be pulling his weight in looking after his own child.

She hasn't slept with him. She said it herself.

She doesn't need two babies with this specimen.

He calls you the 'primary' caregiver which isn't the same as 'only' so he should do his fair share.
I was a SAHM (we agreed on this before even trying for a baby) but this meant DH never needed to take time off for children's illness, Dr/dentist appointments, school holidays etc. We work as a partnership each playing to our strengths/abilities (my job was low paid with little chance for advancement, Hubby had more qualifications and chances for promotion) neither of us see doing things around the house as 'doing a favour' if he was living alone he would have to clean up after himself and cook his own meals (and if I was alone I would have to work to live)
Ask him what would happen if he saw someone at work struggling with something, what would he do? Chances are he would ask if they needed help (if he's a decent human being) why is it any different to do something for the woman he claims to love and the child that he helped create.

Some women don't half pick 'em.

Show him the thread. Gosh many of my friends (women and men) say looking after their children all day is harder work than their day jobs (it's far more mentally and physically exhausting). These are are people in demanding careers - big 4 accounting firms - director/partner level, academia, doctors and lawyers. My husband works 5 days a week in a corporate firm, I work 2 (I'm a doctor) and he will do most of the cooking/laundry and help equally with putting the kids to bed. I do more of the cleaning/organising weekends (Ive never wanted a cleaner). This is not 'amazing', this is normal and how it should be. He's perfectly capable of parenting his own children if I am away. Being kind and caring towards others means nothing if you cannot treat your own family well. What's that saying re how to get a measure of a man - by seeing how he treats those 'below' him. Not that you are below him but it indicates what's being demonstrated publicly vs privately. Sounds very performative. Sorry OP, he sounds very immature and chauvinistic.

And he will say the divorce came out of nowhere ...... they are HIS children its HIS house he SHOULD be doing his share of parenting and stuff in the house parenthood isn't a 9-5 job its 24/7 and you dont get to opt out . He's a manipulative twat and it is abuse punishing you ( pouring his drink out and saying he will bin his tea) for having to look after his own child.

He's a useless arsehole, and I think you know he's not going to change. You've had talks about it AND therapy, and he's still a useless arsehole. You and your kids deserve better, you really do.

You need to be getting your ducks in a row and thinking about how and when you can leave. This isn’t going to get better. Don’t waste your time and energy on arguing or being annoyed with him, accept the reality is that he’s turned out to be a useless partner and plan to leave. I promise you life will be easier and more pleasant without him. Have a look at your finances, what you’re likely able to get in Universal Credit etc. make sure the child benefit is in your name. Save if you can.

I am just so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I’ll be totally candid with you though, if we were friends and you were telling me this over coffee I’d be telling you to pack a bag, bring the kids and come and stay with me for a few days to give his head a wobble. The way he’s treating you is cruel. Throwing away your dinner? Pouring beer down the sink? Because he had the privilege of being able to come home to a safe place and feed his beautiful child a meal his wife (and the mother of his children) had prepared with love? Appalling.

Maybe he genuinely has no idea how hard being up all night and at home all day with a baby is but ignorance is no excuse. You both made those babies so you both look after them. It’s not 1956! His attitude is lazy and unacceptable and I don’t care what job he does all day when he gets home he’s first and foremost a parent and he should do his bit. What would he do if you decided actually you were going back to work and did evenings or nights and he had to do tea, baths, bedtimes and all the wakeups? Because that’s a reality for plenty of dads.

Not one dad I know comes home and does naff all with the excuse that anyone else is ‘the primary caregiver.’ Teachers, vets, medics, lawyers, farmers - not one man in anyone one of those careers would leave you doing everything you do and all go home and do their share because a) that’s fair - you have worked all day at being Mum and there’s no reason you shouldn’t have help and b) because they LOVE being dads and want to care for the children they made. Men like your husband are the reason women all over the world resonate so hard with the song ‘labour.’

It’s all well and good him telling people out of the house how great you are but actions speak louder words and if he’s treating you like he’s doing you a favour by holding and feeding a baby for less than half an hour so you can cook HIM food then really how sincere are those words? I’m not going say rush into leaving him but he isn’t treating you well. He isn’t being a good husband and he isn’t being a good dad. Maybe consider some sort of couples counselling to try and get him to see your perspective a bit clearer. But know this, you and your children deserve better than what that man is currently giving you.