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AIBU?

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AIBU to refuse to intervene in a friend's job application?

161 replies

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 14:51

I have name changed as this may be outing, but have been around for years.

I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years. We are not close but meet up every couple of months for coffee/lunch.

Her partner has been unemployed for a few months. I have been aware that she is stressing about finances and I have sympathy for her position. I have only met him a handful of times and not for many years. Anyway, around 3 weeks ago, he decided to apply for a job at a company that is well known to me, as I know the sector and am friendly with the CEO and a few of the other staff. Friend approached me for help.

I offered a lot of detailed advice based on my knowledge of how the company operates, what makes them tick etc. I also offered to read through the CV and covering letter before he submitted it, so that he could get some feedback. (Friend knows that I have done a lot of recruitment over the years.) He didn't take me up on the offer, which was fine...it was just an offer. He did later send me a copy of the letter that he had submitted, and it was clear that he had ignored most of the advice that I had given him. Again, that was fine - it was his application and he did it in the way that he saw fit. Totally fair enough.

He found out yesterday that he didn't get shortlisted for the job. Unsurprising, in my view, given the quality of his CV and the lack of tailoring in his covering letter, but obviously disappointing for him. I do understand that being unemployed is very stressful and that recruitment processes can be brutal.

However, my friend rang me yesterday and asked me to intervene with the hiring manager on his behalf to see if I could persuade them to offer him an interview. I refused, because it isn't my business to interfere in another company's recruitment process and there wasn't much evidence that he would be any good at the job in any case, so I was not really willing to put my own reputation on the line for someone who hadn't actually bothered to take advantage of the help that I had already freely offered.

Friend is furious with me and says that she feels really let down. She says that I know how anxious she has been about him being unemployed and thought that, as a friend, I would be happy to help.

From my perspective, I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

I really don't think I have been unreasonable here, have I?

OP posts:
Iamstardust · 01/05/2026 15:36

This is a bloke who thinks he knows best and wont take direction from others, he's not going to be an asset to any company. I wouldn't want to stain my own reputation by associating myself with him!

ScottBakula · 01/05/2026 15:33

I agree with pp, you offered to help with the cv , interview process ( in terms of what they are looking for ) and he chose not to take you up on the offer.
If / when you speak to either of them again explain bluntly that he obviously knows better than you , that's why he didn't take your advice so there is no more information you can give him and the employer has missed ( employing a idiot) atrick not employing him .

Sassylovesbooks · 01/05/2026 15:31

What's the saying 'you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink'! You offered plenty of help, with his CV and covering letter, which you could have tailored to the company but he didn't take you up on that offer.

I would tell your friend that you did offer help but her husband didn't take you up on any of the help or advice. That's on him, not you. You are not responsible for another companies recruitment process and neither is it appropriate for you to get involved.

I'd then step back. Yes your friend is stressed and worried but she should actually be cross with her husband for not taking your advice or help.

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 01/05/2026 15:28

Did you tell her he ignored all your advice? How could she defend that?

VivX · 01/05/2026 15:28

Your friend is bonkers her husband is either clueless or arrogant or likely both.

Keep repeating your phrase "I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough"

I would not lie about having put in a good word either.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/05/2026 15:25

It sounds like he doesn't actually want a job if he couldn't be bothered to tailor his application and just sent a generic cv and cover letter.

It was her pushing you to offer advice and it's her pushing you now. Do you think he likes being supported by his wife and not having to work?

She is obviously stressed with the financial burden but if he's not bothered then they have different goals.

ImImmortalNowBabyDoll · 01/05/2026 15:25

I work in the CS and have had similar. I have explained to people they need to use STAR, read their first draft, realised they've not even attempted STAR, explained again how to go about rewording the answers, then they realise that's going to be a lot of effort so they ignore me and submit what they've got and are then shocked they don't get an interview. Luckily, there's no "intervening" possible in the CS so I don't get asked.

I'd be straight with your friend and say that the post needs someone who is pro-active and able to listen to and follow guidance, and he's shown he can't do that.

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 15:24

awayhay · 01/05/2026 15:19

I probably would’ve just lied and said you’d had a word with the hiring manager.

Edited

Why would you do that? What if the OP’s friend then contacts the company directly and gives the OP’s name? Why would you lie rather than being honest?

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 15:23

Oh my god OP tell her to get a bloody grip. The only person who hasn’t helped themselves is her partner-she needs to focus her anger and anxiety towards the appropriate person which isn’t you. The fact that this unemployed man couldn’t get it together to submit a decent job application says it all. Do not risk your reputation or your network for him.

ohyesido · 01/05/2026 15:22

You can’t force a company to give someone a job and they are being ridiculous to think that you can.

CoverLikelyZebra · 01/05/2026 15:21

Yanbu and your friend is nuturing her anger towards you in order to distract herself from the person most correctly to blame, the useless layabout 'partner' who is clearly quite happy being unemployed and supported by her, or he would have put in more effort and taken your original advice. Clearly it would be inappropriate for this company to hire someone who can't get a job application right even when told important inside information by someone who knows a lot about the company. It's a shame your friend is so stressed but she should cut the bastard out of her life and stop enabling him.

awayhay · 01/05/2026 15:19

I probably would’ve just lied and said you’d had a word with the hiring manager.

Westun · 01/05/2026 15:19

Does your friend know that he ignored your advice? I think you’ve already done plenty and your friend is putting you in a difficult position by asking you to contact the hiring manager.

i’m currently dealing with the fallout from helping someone get into a job and it’s ended badly so my answer would be no!

Remotehogger · 01/05/2026 15:18

He clearly didn't want the job!

ButterYellowHair · 01/05/2026 15:18

Just ask her why you would intervene when clearly he didn’t want your help as he ignored all of your suggestions anyway? Expect the friendship to be over though

Gillettegirl · 01/05/2026 15:17

Does your friend know you offered to help and he declined?

TallulahBetty · 01/05/2026 15:16

But you did help. He chose to ignore it.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/05/2026 15:14

Can't you just tell her the truth - that companies have a strict criteria where they give marks to applicants based on the information provided. They are legally not allowed to discriminate in any way so they literally cannot do what she is asking them to do.

gamerchick · 01/05/2026 15:12

It doesnt sound as if he wanted the job anyway and he sounds arrogant. That he knew better.

Tell your friend you tried to help and he ignored you. That's on him.

Icepinkeskimo · 01/05/2026 15:12

Do you think he self sabotaged his application? Your friend may be at her wits end, and desperately wanting him to be working again. If he really wanted the job, he would have taken your advice and thanked you. Perhaps there is something more at play here?

LadyDanburysHat · 01/05/2026 15:11

I understand your friend is stressed, and I hope when she calms down that she reflects on this and apologises to you. It would be a highly inappropriate request if you worked there, never mind just knowing people there. She is also asking you to recommend someone you barely know.

SnappyQuoter · 01/05/2026 15:11

Did you tell her that when she was waffling on? Did you tell her that he ignored the advice you gave him about his CV and covering letter, so you’re not able to help him further. He had his chance at this job and didn’t take your advice on how to apply so you can’t help him now.

Backedoffhackedoff · 01/05/2026 15:11

She’s very stressed I imagine

my initial thought was that it could’ve just taken a white lie and you just say you have put in a word.

CanaryLibra · 01/05/2026 15:09

If his attitude at/towards work is the same as his attitude towards the help you had kindly offered, then he will probably remain unemployed for quite some time.

ChaToilLeam · 01/05/2026 15:08

You offered appropriate help, he didn't avail himself of it, he has nobody but himself to blame. Your friend is a CF.

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