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AIBU?

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AIBU to refuse to intervene in a friend's job application?

161 replies

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 14:51

I have name changed as this may be outing, but have been around for years.

I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years. We are not close but meet up every couple of months for coffee/lunch.

Her partner has been unemployed for a few months. I have been aware that she is stressing about finances and I have sympathy for her position. I have only met him a handful of times and not for many years. Anyway, around 3 weeks ago, he decided to apply for a job at a company that is well known to me, as I know the sector and am friendly with the CEO and a few of the other staff. Friend approached me for help.

I offered a lot of detailed advice based on my knowledge of how the company operates, what makes them tick etc. I also offered to read through the CV and covering letter before he submitted it, so that he could get some feedback. (Friend knows that I have done a lot of recruitment over the years.) He didn't take me up on the offer, which was fine...it was just an offer. He did later send me a copy of the letter that he had submitted, and it was clear that he had ignored most of the advice that I had given him. Again, that was fine - it was his application and he did it in the way that he saw fit. Totally fair enough.

He found out yesterday that he didn't get shortlisted for the job. Unsurprising, in my view, given the quality of his CV and the lack of tailoring in his covering letter, but obviously disappointing for him. I do understand that being unemployed is very stressful and that recruitment processes can be brutal.

However, my friend rang me yesterday and asked me to intervene with the hiring manager on his behalf to see if I could persuade them to offer him an interview. I refused, because it isn't my business to interfere in another company's recruitment process and there wasn't much evidence that he would be any good at the job in any case, so I was not really willing to put my own reputation on the line for someone who hadn't actually bothered to take advantage of the help that I had already freely offered.

Friend is furious with me and says that she feels really let down. She says that I know how anxious she has been about him being unemployed and thought that, as a friend, I would be happy to help.

From my perspective, I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

I really don't think I have been unreasonable here, have I?

OP posts:
TheDenimPoet · 01/05/2026 16:25

Just say you asked and they said they'd think about it. Off the hook!

REP22 · 01/05/2026 16:23

Absolutely not unreasonable @NotFeelingGuilty - you did what you could, which was more than a lot of others would have done.

As you say yourself, it is your professional reputation and judgment here - it could have caused a serious impact on that and your own credibility if you persisted in intervening inappropriately. Your friend needs to funnel her frustration elsewhere, certainly not at you.

HelenaWilson · 01/05/2026 16:21

I probably would’ve just lied and said you’d had a word with the hiring manager

OP should absolutely not do that. Her professional reputation matters and she shouldn't do anything to put it at risk. People talk and word does get around; she could never be sure it wouldn't come back on her.

Viviennemary · 01/05/2026 16:18

Of course you can't get him an interview. Your friend is nuts.

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 16:11

Backedoffhackedoff · 01/05/2026 16:08

Thats ok- not everyone has to be the same but appreciating that people are different is pretty standard and not that interesting

I always find it interesting that some people prefer to lie in order to avoid pretty standard levels of discomfort. It makes me wonder how many lies rack up over time.

Newbras · 01/05/2026 16:08

This reply has been deleted

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Backedoffhackedoff · 01/05/2026 16:08

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 16:06

I prefer not to lie to people. Especially when that lie could come back to bite me. The OP’s friend is already pressuring her to intervene in the hiring practices of a company the OP doesn’t even work for, I wouldn’t put it past her to contact that company using OP’s name if she thinks the OP is in her corner.

Thats ok- not everyone has to be the same but appreciating that people are different is pretty standard and not that interesting

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 16:06

Backedoffhackedoff · 01/05/2026 15:59

Why is it interesting? Life is nuanced and different situations mean different approaches - all day every day.

I am more than happy to upset someone appropriately but it’s to no end in this scenario, the friend is already stressed.

I prefer not to lie to people. Especially when that lie could come back to bite me. The OP’s friend is already pressuring her to intervene in the hiring practices of a company the OP doesn’t even work for, I wouldn’t put it past her to contact that company using OP’s name if she thinks the OP is in her corner.

godmum56 · 01/05/2026 16:06

hmmm unreasonable to refuse? No
but...well... did you tell the friend why you were refusing? Not just its not your business which is fine, but the bit about "I offered advice and it wasn't taken" I think it would be unkind and unnecessary to say that bit but maybe you didn't?

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 01/05/2026 16:00

The cousin of a bloke who worked for my company applied repeatedly for the same role. One of our directors queried the fact that we turned down his application.

The man had submitted an identical CV after a two year gap with the date of his current employer updated. That was it. The guy had a perfect opportunity to tailor his application to us and made fuck all effort.

His cousin was wise enough not to endorse his slacker relative. The director concerned described him as a young man "needing a bit of a push".

As if we were looking to adopt or mentor, not employ.

Who you recommend can really damage your own credo.

FairyBatman · 01/05/2026 16:00

Does your friend know that he ignored your advice about his CV and covering letter?

Backedoffhackedoff · 01/05/2026 15:59

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 15:55

So you’d rather lie than upset someone? Interesting approach.

Why is it interesting? Life is nuanced and different situations mean different approaches - all day every day.

I am more than happy to upset someone appropriately but it’s to no end in this scenario, the friend is already stressed.

jdb9803 · 01/05/2026 15:59

Have I got this right - your friend wants you to contact a hiring manager at a company you don't even work for and tell them they are crazy not to employ a man who (depending on the reason he ignored your advice) is either thick as mince or doesn't want the job.
And you want to know if you are unreasonable to say no?!!!!

Newbras · 01/05/2026 15:58

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xxxlove · 01/05/2026 15:56

This might work in a Balkan country or in Russia but not in the UK

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 15:55

Backedoffhackedoff · 01/05/2026 15:50

Because it shuts her up and also means she doesn’t get upset, and I wouldn’t want a friend to be upset.

why would they call the company and give their name? Bonkers. I’d happily take the risk it would never happen and if it did deal with it then, it’s a not a big deal

So you’d rather lie than upset someone? Interesting approach.

Mangochutney33 · 01/05/2026 15:51

YANBU. You've already wasted your breath with the initial giving of advice. He had no intention of putting that amount of effort in to obtaining a job. All they ever wanted was for you to get him a job. Don't do that because he'll be the same at work as he is outside of it: lazy, doing the bare minimum to not get fired.

BMW6 · 01/05/2026 15:51

I hope you made it clear to your "friend" that her DH ignored all the advice you gave!

What a pair. You're not losing much if this has kilked the relationship.

Backedoffhackedoff · 01/05/2026 15:50

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 15:24

Why would you do that? What if the OP’s friend then contacts the company directly and gives the OP’s name? Why would you lie rather than being honest?

Because it shuts her up and also means she doesn’t get upset, and I wouldn’t want a friend to be upset.

why would they call the company and give their name? Bonkers. I’d happily take the risk it would never happen and if it did deal with it then, it’s a not a big deal

Onelifeonly · 01/05/2026 15:49

Even if you did intervene (absolutely not suggesting you should) why on earth would they listen to you? Knowing them doesn't mean you can sway their company decisions. Plus you have no reason to give for trying to do so, since you haven't worked with him. Your friend is being totally unrealistic and inappropriate, surely she can see that?

ChasingRainbow5 · 01/05/2026 15:47

I can't believe the brass neck of some people!

Have you made clear to your 'friend' that he ignored the advice you spent time and effort giving?

AxolotlEars · 01/05/2026 15:43

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 01/05/2026 14:57

You did help and you did offer advice. He chose not to take you up on that 🤷‍♀️.

It was arrogant to turn down your expertise in the first place. Your friend is stressed and panicking. You should not be the focus of her frustration, her husband should be! Hopefully she'll calm down and apologise.

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 01/05/2026 15:41

This is one of those times that my username is also the content of my post!

purplecorkheart · 01/05/2026 15:39

You did the most that you could do in this situation. He did not take your valuable advice. You could not meddle in another companies recruitment process and to be honest if you did it could reflect badly on you if things went wrong. Your friend owes you an apology.

Beachtastic · 01/05/2026 15:37

She's as stupid as he is, if she's cross with you. Fuck these people OP.

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