Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to intervene in a friend's job application?

161 replies

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 14:51

I have name changed as this may be outing, but have been around for years.

I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years. We are not close but meet up every couple of months for coffee/lunch.

Her partner has been unemployed for a few months. I have been aware that she is stressing about finances and I have sympathy for her position. I have only met him a handful of times and not for many years. Anyway, around 3 weeks ago, he decided to apply for a job at a company that is well known to me, as I know the sector and am friendly with the CEO and a few of the other staff. Friend approached me for help.

I offered a lot of detailed advice based on my knowledge of how the company operates, what makes them tick etc. I also offered to read through the CV and covering letter before he submitted it, so that he could get some feedback. (Friend knows that I have done a lot of recruitment over the years.) He didn't take me up on the offer, which was fine...it was just an offer. He did later send me a copy of the letter that he had submitted, and it was clear that he had ignored most of the advice that I had given him. Again, that was fine - it was his application and he did it in the way that he saw fit. Totally fair enough.

He found out yesterday that he didn't get shortlisted for the job. Unsurprising, in my view, given the quality of his CV and the lack of tailoring in his covering letter, but obviously disappointing for him. I do understand that being unemployed is very stressful and that recruitment processes can be brutal.

However, my friend rang me yesterday and asked me to intervene with the hiring manager on his behalf to see if I could persuade them to offer him an interview. I refused, because it isn't my business to interfere in another company's recruitment process and there wasn't much evidence that he would be any good at the job in any case, so I was not really willing to put my own reputation on the line for someone who hadn't actually bothered to take advantage of the help that I had already freely offered.

Friend is furious with me and says that she feels really let down. She says that I know how anxious she has been about him being unemployed and thought that, as a friend, I would be happy to help.

From my perspective, I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

I really don't think I have been unreasonable here, have I?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 01/05/2026 17:53

Is it bad to just leave things as they are or is that ghosting her?

No, it's fine. I would either just send a quick reply along the lines 'Sorry to hear you feel that way, all the best for the future' or not reply at all and just leave her on read.

The ball is in her court now. She's been incredibly rude to you so it's up to her to try and make amends if she wants to.

SunnyRedSnail · 01/05/2026 17:48

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 17:33

No, I didn't. To be honest, I was so taken aback by how upset she was that I didn't really know what to say. I think I ended up apologising for the fact that I couldn't do what she wanted me to do. Blush

Show quote history

Your friend is being massively unreasonable and owes you an apology.

Personally I'd send her a message along the lines of:

"Sarah*, I found your message really upsetting. I went out of my way to help your DP with information about the job, I gave him tips on what to write in his covering letter and application, and offered to check his application before he sent it. Not only did he not take me up on this offer, he also ignored all the advice I gave him and included very little of the important information in his application. Is there any reason he chose to ignore this?"

*whatever her name is.

Whyherewego · 01/05/2026 17:47

Well honestly youve been lovely and I think it's now on her to come back to you (if she does). You apologised even though you didnt need to and so ball is in her court. I wouldn't be rushing to initiate anything

Original poster
NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 17:42

godmum56 · 01/05/2026 17:34

Op, I may have missed it but did the applicant ever talk directly to you or did all the asking and thanking come through your "friend" I mean maybe he was livid that his partner was treating him like a child?

It was mostly done via my friend - I didn't ever talk to him directly about it. She rang me initially, saying that he was really interested in the job and they had wondered if I could help with some advice. I offered to talk to him about it directly on the phone, but she said he wasn't available so I sent a couple of emails with detailed written advice and the offer to check the application before he sent it. She copied me into the emails that she forwarded to him, but the direct contact between me and him was when he forwarded me his application after submitting it. I found that slightly odd at the time, tbh, as it was a bit pointless sending it to me at that point, but I thought maybe he was just doing it as a courtesy or something. Then I read it, and didn't know what to say because I didn't think it was a strong application, so I just emailed him back to wish him luck and that was that. Until yesterday, when my friend rang me with the outcome and asked me to intervene.

So it's possible, I suppose, that he didn't ever want the help at all and that my friend was overstepping? Who knows?!

OP posts:
Siarli · 01/05/2026 17:36

Stupid woman. You did what you could, mentored amd offered advice which is what any recruitment advisor careers advisor would do. He didnt accept your guidance and probably didnt have a feel for what they wanted and were looking for anyway. Now uour friend wants you to approach this company and secure her indolent partner an interview ! That's not the way things are done its not any of your business why his application has been not short listed. What he can do is ask the company for feedback. Its up to him to apply for jobs and certainly not his partners business to intervene or yours. You've helped , youve gone beyond
Jobs are awarded on merit to the best candidate this guy needs to motivate himself to find work and they need to sort themselves out its not your problem. You tell this crazy woman, you are happy to write a character reference and that is all.

Daisymail · 01/05/2026 17:36

I absolutely would not have let her get away with the "you are letting us down" comment and would have pointed out that he chose to ignore your quite considerable advice. Cheeky buggers!

Random321 · 01/05/2026 17:35

How ungrateful!

It sounds like you gave a lot of help and advice which was fully ignored and now they want you to recommend him when he was too stupid to listen to all the asvice he was given?

Among the reasons he's unemployed:

  • things he knows better than people with expertise
  • cannot take advice
  • failure to recognise his own short comings (even when highlighted)

It's fairly obvious employer made the right call.

godmum56 · 01/05/2026 17:34

Op, I may have missed it but did the applicant ever talk directly to you or did all the asking and thanking come through your "friend" I mean maybe he was livid that his partner was treating him like a child?

Original poster
NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 17:33

allthingsinmoderation · 01/05/2026 17:30

I think it was reasonable that you offered your advice during the application process ,he declined your advice.
I think it reasonable you dont want to interfere now.
When your friend asked you to intervene did you ask why if he completely disregarded the advice you gave him he'd want your interventions now ?

No, I didn't. To be honest, I was so taken aback by how upset she was that I didn't really know what to say. I think I ended up apologising for the fact that I couldn't do what she wanted me to do. Blush

OP posts:
NoodleHorses · 01/05/2026 17:31

You did your bit, offered help and advice. It’s is not on you that notice was not taken by your friend’s husband. I would it have intervened with the hiring manager either.
I suspect your friendship may be at an end though, through no fault of yours.

GinaandGin · 01/05/2026 17:30

I would not be letting "friend " off with that "you really let us down " comment
I would be highlighting and underlining to the CF that you did offer to help but her arrogant husband turned it down

Original poster
NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 17:30

JoshLymanSwagger · 01/05/2026 16:59

Who the hell voted YABU?

OP, you DID help. He chose to be Billy Big Balls and ignore you - I bet they didn't thank you for your advice or time.

To be fair, she did thank me for the advice when I first sent it through. He didn't, even though she copied me in to the email when she forwarded it to him, so I guess he could have done if he had wanted to.

OP posts:
allthingsinmoderation · 01/05/2026 17:30

I think it was reasonable that you offered your advice during the application process ,he declined your advice.
I think it reasonable you dont want to interfere now.
When your friend asked you to intervene did you ask why if he completely disregarded the advice you gave him he'd want your interventions now ?

Original poster
NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 17:28

Gosh, thank you for all of the replies - very reassuring to read! I really didn't think I had been unreasonable but my friend was so upset with me that I was actually starting to second guess myself.

A lot of people have asked if my friend is aware that her partner disregarded my advice. I'm not 100% sure tbh - I haven't pointed it out, but she definitely saw my original advice because I sent it to her email before he applied so that she could forward on to him. I assume that she must have also seen his CV and covering letter but I guess it's possible that she might not have done.

She does definitely know that I offered to check the CV/letter before he submitted them because again, the offer was made through her. She also knows that he didn't take up that offer.

I don't really want to say anything directly to her about the fact that he didn't take the advice - the help was offered without strings attached, and he chose not to take it, which was his prerogative. It had not occurred to me that he might have been deliberately trying to sabotage his application - I had the impression that he was genuinely interested in the job, but I guess there is a real possibility that he didn't actually want it after all. I don't know him well enough to be able to judge this, really.

Interested to see some people saying that I should have lied and pretended that I had spoken to the company. It didn't actually occur to me to do that, and I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing so.

Going forward, I'm not really interested in any further confrontation, and I feel a bit differently about the whole friendship now, so I'm inclined to just let this one drift. I certainly won't be initiating any more coffees or lunches myself, and I can't imagine her initiating anything either after our conversation yesterday. Is it bad to just leave things as they are or is that ghosting her? Don't really want to kick her when she's already down by contacting her to formally "end" the friendship. She knows how to contact me if she wants to apologise.

OP posts:
crazeekat · 01/05/2026 17:17

Ignore both of them. Not a true friend.

Sartre · 01/05/2026 17:09

I would be straight and say he didn’t follow your advice for the CV and cover letter so why would you do this for him now? He wasn’t shortlisted because he ignored you.

watchingthishtread · 01/05/2026 17:07

What's she's asking of you is completely inappropriate.

Neverflyingagain · 01/05/2026 17:05

You offered as much help as you could do, within professional boundaries. Of course you can't go campaigning to get him shortlisted!
If your place is like ours, you would be kept well away from recruitment that involved an application from him.
Tell your friend you have offered the help but can do no more. If she falls out with you over it, well it is her loss.

Daisymail · 01/05/2026 17:04

Minime22 · 01/05/2026 14:57

You offered advice, he ignored it…tough titty.

This!

JoshLymanSwagger · 01/05/2026 16:59

Who the hell voted YABU?

OP, you DID help. He chose to be Billy Big Balls and ignore you - I bet they didn't thank you for your advice or time.

BillieWiper · 01/05/2026 16:48

I'd just say yeah I spoke to them and they said he should have done xyz (things that you advised him to and he ignored) so there's nothing that can be done at this point.

It went to someone who did do those things.

Or just say you tried to ask them but they said it was confidential and you couldn't discuss their recruitment decisions.

Then don't give any advice or help again!

Happyjoe · 01/05/2026 16:45

I don't think you'll be going for your coffees together anymore. But tbh, no great loss if this is how she behaves.
You've been a good friend, she isn't being a good friend in return.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 01/05/2026 16:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

He didn't even come remotely near interview standard regardless of knowing he'd not moved in two years, and I was the hiring director.

The other director was in ill favour already because of his continuous bad judgement. The HR manager used to be his mum, for god's sake!

So I didn't have any problems saying, "no, he didn't make the shortlist".

ParmaVioletTea · 01/05/2026 16:33

I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

This is what you need to say to your friend.

YANBU at all.

But there are people around whose ethics shock me, I must say. I can remember, in an office job I did while I was a PhD student, that an office colleague asked me how her husband could falsify his degree certificate to show he'd been awarded a 2. i.

jellyfish798 · 01/05/2026 16:27

Definitely not unreasonable. I've offered application advice before, and that's all. I wouldn't intervene more, he's not a child he needs to take responsibility for his own job applications for better or worse. Rejection is part of the process and you always learn something even though it's hard, he can't expect you to sort this out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread