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AIBU?

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AIBU to refuse to intervene in a friend's job application?

161 replies

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 14:51

I have name changed as this may be outing, but have been around for years.

I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years. We are not close but meet up every couple of months for coffee/lunch.

Her partner has been unemployed for a few months. I have been aware that she is stressing about finances and I have sympathy for her position. I have only met him a handful of times and not for many years. Anyway, around 3 weeks ago, he decided to apply for a job at a company that is well known to me, as I know the sector and am friendly with the CEO and a few of the other staff. Friend approached me for help.

I offered a lot of detailed advice based on my knowledge of how the company operates, what makes them tick etc. I also offered to read through the CV and covering letter before he submitted it, so that he could get some feedback. (Friend knows that I have done a lot of recruitment over the years.) He didn't take me up on the offer, which was fine...it was just an offer. He did later send me a copy of the letter that he had submitted, and it was clear that he had ignored most of the advice that I had given him. Again, that was fine - it was his application and he did it in the way that he saw fit. Totally fair enough.

He found out yesterday that he didn't get shortlisted for the job. Unsurprising, in my view, given the quality of his CV and the lack of tailoring in his covering letter, but obviously disappointing for him. I do understand that being unemployed is very stressful and that recruitment processes can be brutal.

However, my friend rang me yesterday and asked me to intervene with the hiring manager on his behalf to see if I could persuade them to offer him an interview. I refused, because it isn't my business to interfere in another company's recruitment process and there wasn't much evidence that he would be any good at the job in any case, so I was not really willing to put my own reputation on the line for someone who hadn't actually bothered to take advantage of the help that I had already freely offered.

Friend is furious with me and says that she feels really let down. She says that I know how anxious she has been about him being unemployed and thought that, as a friend, I would be happy to help.

From my perspective, I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

I really don't think I have been unreasonable here, have I?

OP posts:
NotFeelingGuilty · 02/05/2026 22:12

hcee19 · 02/05/2026 22:10

Tell your friend you tried but wastold the position has been filled

I'm not willing to lie to her about it. If she can't accept and respect my decision that it would have been inappropriate to try to intervene in any way, then I can live with that.

OP posts:
NotFeelingGuilty · 02/05/2026 22:11

Trillie · 02/05/2026 20:58

Tell her that’s not appropriate but you’d be happy to help with some advice on his cv and covering letters.

Tbh, I made the offer once and they didn't choose to take me up on it, so I'm not inclined to offer again.

OP posts:
hcee19 · 02/05/2026 22:10

Tell your friend you tried but wastold the position has been filled

NotFeelingGuilty · 02/05/2026 22:09

JennyBG · 02/05/2026 20:09

Your last two paragraphs - did you say those words to her verbatim? If so, there is no need for you to worry about it anymore. The husband is an idiot.

No, I was taken by surprise by the whole thing, and I didn't say what I wish I had said in hindsight. I didn't point out that he had chosen to ignore my advice. I'm kind of annoyed with myself about that now, but perhaps some things are better left unsaid.

OP posts:
Idontcareboutthestateofmyhair · 02/05/2026 22:06

Fuck sake. If he is too superior to take your advice then fuck them. How your friend thinks you can possibly intervene here is mind boggling. You gave all the help you could possibly give. He knew better but he obviously didn't. If he was applying to your company and ignored the advice you gave you wouldn't want him working there for sure. You have not done anything wrong.

NotFeelingGuilty · 02/05/2026 22:05

anon666 · 02/05/2026 19:22

Does she understand that you have no real influence? I mean, the recruiting manager's decision is final. Maybe she doesn't understand that. 🤔

I did make that point, and she acknowledged that an intervention from me might not actually help, but she was upset that I wouldn't even try.

OP posts:
Trillie · 02/05/2026 20:58

Tell her that’s not appropriate but you’d be happy to help with some advice on his cv and covering letters.

JennyBG · 02/05/2026 20:09

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 14:51

I have name changed as this may be outing, but have been around for years.

I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years. We are not close but meet up every couple of months for coffee/lunch.

Her partner has been unemployed for a few months. I have been aware that she is stressing about finances and I have sympathy for her position. I have only met him a handful of times and not for many years. Anyway, around 3 weeks ago, he decided to apply for a job at a company that is well known to me, as I know the sector and am friendly with the CEO and a few of the other staff. Friend approached me for help.

I offered a lot of detailed advice based on my knowledge of how the company operates, what makes them tick etc. I also offered to read through the CV and covering letter before he submitted it, so that he could get some feedback. (Friend knows that I have done a lot of recruitment over the years.) He didn't take me up on the offer, which was fine...it was just an offer. He did later send me a copy of the letter that he had submitted, and it was clear that he had ignored most of the advice that I had given him. Again, that was fine - it was his application and he did it in the way that he saw fit. Totally fair enough.

He found out yesterday that he didn't get shortlisted for the job. Unsurprising, in my view, given the quality of his CV and the lack of tailoring in his covering letter, but obviously disappointing for him. I do understand that being unemployed is very stressful and that recruitment processes can be brutal.

However, my friend rang me yesterday and asked me to intervene with the hiring manager on his behalf to see if I could persuade them to offer him an interview. I refused, because it isn't my business to interfere in another company's recruitment process and there wasn't much evidence that he would be any good at the job in any case, so I was not really willing to put my own reputation on the line for someone who hadn't actually bothered to take advantage of the help that I had already freely offered.

Friend is furious with me and says that she feels really let down. She says that I know how anxious she has been about him being unemployed and thought that, as a friend, I would be happy to help.

From my perspective, I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

I really don't think I have been unreasonable here, have I?

Your last two paragraphs - did you say those words to her verbatim? If so, there is no need for you to worry about it anymore. The husband is an idiot.

anon666 · 02/05/2026 19:22

Does she understand that you have no real influence? I mean, the recruiting manager's decision is final. Maybe she doesn't understand that. 🤔

Jack80 · 02/05/2026 18:58

You tried to help and he didn't accept it so sod them.

hcee19 · 02/05/2026 18:56

Can't fix stupid. You were more than willing to help with his application, but he knew best, or thought he did. Tough you live & learn. I wouldn't intervene. Your friend can be as mad as she likes, but if she can't understand your point of view, she is no friend....

daleylama · 02/05/2026 18:54

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 21:22

I think this is spot on - she's desperate, she's starting to panic and she almost certainly isn't thinking straight.

Thank you all for helping me to process this. I will put the whole thing down to my friend losing the plot a bit because she is so horribly stressed, and I won't take anything too personally. You have all helped to confirm my initial instinct that I wasn't being unreasonable. Whether or not the friendship will ever recover, only time will tell.

A very generous reading of the situation on your part.. Personally I think she reads like an Uber Controller who's ramrodding her partner into something she wants , so he's reacted with pass - agg and deliberately undermined his application. You've found out that no good deed goes unpunished.

TerminallyScunnered · 02/05/2026 18:21

Your friend was and is still taking advantage of you, you offered as much help as you reasonably could have and it wasn't taken. How could you be expected to put a word in for someone you don't really know. It is an unfair position to put you on. You ate not to blame for his lack of career.

catlover123456789 · 02/05/2026 18:17

You tried to help but he obviously felt he knew better. I wonder what the quality of his other applications have been. Might be time for your 'friend' to hear some hard truths.

JJWT · 02/05/2026 18:16

Bloody hell, no. He doesn't sound very bright, either not valuing your input or not being capable of implementing your advice. I wouldn't put my reputation on the line for someone that lacking.

Ruffledduck1 · 02/05/2026 17:31

What you have done is sufficient. You provided constructive information and insight.
To intervene by pleading on his behalf would affect your standing and reputation, not to mention raise valid questions over your own judgment.
You have already given up time to help and made a significant contribution to his chances; the fact he chose to ignore it is rather telling in terms of his character. He knows better,,doesn't like being instructed, feels he knows better....the list goes on.

DO NOT be guilt tripped to intervene further.
Explain to your friend that you have done as much as you can, but there are professional boundaries at Play and you have to abide by them.

If she can't accept you have already been generous with your time and knowledge, then she's probably as stubborn and narrow minded as her husband.

Shedmistress · 02/05/2026 08:26

What she really wanted was for you to do the work to get him the job. Like, call them up and tell them they need to give him the job. Which is batshit crazy.

Dweetfidilove · 01/05/2026 23:11

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 18:17

I think you're almost certainly right that she is probably super stressed and not thinking straight. She sounded a bit desperate, which did make me feel bad.. but that obviously didn't change the fact that I couldn't do what she wanted me to do.

Not at all. You did as much as you needed to. And by not taking any of it onboard, he proves he's not the kind of person you'd even stake your professional reputation on.

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 21:22

LAMPS1 · 01/05/2026 19:05

I would think that your friend is terrified of the future with her husband unemployed and unable to contribute to living expenses.
I bet she carries all the mental load already and is frantic to solve the looming crisis when savings run out.

The fear and stress has made her put all her trust and faith in you to help him. Maybe she already suspect's he isn’t a perfect candidate and she feels rather humiliated in front of you that he was turned down.

The fact that she asked you to intervene in the hiring process of a company you don’t even work for, demonstrates the level of her desperation and recklessness to get him a job.

Sadly, she has humiliated herself further by asking you the impossible. She probably can’t process any of it for now…until things settle back into some sort of normal, with him earning.
So I wouldn’t pursue the friendship for now.
You were generous and very kind to help in the way you did. You did nothing to deserve the fury aimed at you. She just isn’t thinking straight.
Try to let it go for now OP.

I think this is spot on - she's desperate, she's starting to panic and she almost certainly isn't thinking straight.

Thank you all for helping me to process this. I will put the whole thing down to my friend losing the plot a bit because she is so horribly stressed, and I won't take anything too personally. You have all helped to confirm my initial instinct that I wasn't being unreasonable. Whether or not the friendship will ever recover, only time will tell.

OP posts:
NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 21:16

Mangochutney33 · 01/05/2026 20:49

Reckon he sent it to you after applying because she was on at him constantly asking if he'd sent it, so he did to shut her up. I'll bet he never wanted your advice and that neither of them even read it.

Quite possibly!

OP posts:
Feis123 · 01/05/2026 21:12

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 18:43

Oh ok, I see what you mean. As stated above, I did tell her very clearly that it wouldn't make any difference even if I did intervene, but she was annoyed that I wouldn't at least try. I'm certainly under no illusions that I could have changed the outcome - it isn't the kind of company to deviate from due process.

I see, sorry, now I see.

Mangochutney33 · 01/05/2026 20:49

Reckon he sent it to you after applying because she was on at him constantly asking if he'd sent it, so he did to shut her up. I'll bet he never wanted your advice and that neither of them even read it.

pictoosh · 01/05/2026 19:32

She sounds desperate and stressed and she has allowed her emotions to override her sensibilities.

I wouldn't do anything about this atm. Leave it with her. In time she'll come to understand that she was unreasonable about this...and if she doesn't, the friendship is over anyway.

Loulou4022 · 01/05/2026 19:29

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 01/05/2026 14:57

You did help and you did offer advice. He chose not to take you up on that 🤷‍♀️.

This

StephensLass1977 · 01/05/2026 19:29

My partner's brother once put a good word in for their mother when she was applying for a a part time job in a restaurant. She just wanted to work a few hours. I think he knew the staff.

She didn't even last until the end of the shift. Walked out citing too much technology, e.g. the tills and ways of customers paying. The poor guy was furious and embarrassed.

Separately, my cousin desperately wanted to join the same industry as my sister about 20 years ago, and kept on at her to "get" her a job in the industry. The girl could hardly read. My sister flat-out refused. I don't think there was much she could have done, anyway!

Some people are just lazy.

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