AIBU to step back from a friend who disappears for months

I would be brutally honest if it was me - I'd tell her that when she drops me for months at a time my life carries on fine without her. If she thinks she can dump me and then expect me to celebrate her deigning to acknowledge me again she is delusional.

I’d not bother being her friend at all anymore. Shitty way to treat you, MH issues or not. Sick of people using MH as an excuse for poor behaviour.

If you want to remain friendly then do so just don’t put to much of you out there to her.

I’ve got friends I haven’t spoken to in years that if we bumped into each other we could have hours long chats and then nothing again for ages.

I don’t do enough to have people I need to talk to daily or even weekly. 😅

She may well have mental health or personal issues that cause her to go off radar but if she's never explained this she can't be surprised if you do drop back yourself.

I'm sympathetic to those with mental health issues but you need to look after YOUR mental health too. If her picking you up and dropping you is bad for your mental health then yes you need to drop back and that's fine. We are all different and whilst I can cope with a bit of flaky behaviour, I did find in my younger years that the hot and cold guessing game with no meaningful communication about what was going on would start to slowly torture me.

The bit that stood out for me was her getting huffy when you didn't react to her reappearance with unalloyed joy. That doesn't sound like someone with mental health difficulties. That sounds like someone with a very high opinion of herself who thinks you should feel grateful for her favour.

I agree that mh issues do not give you the right to upset folk but the difference is the reaction you might receive when explaining that (a) you have liver disease, chronic migraines or MS, which makes you very tired intermittently, compared with explaining (b) you have bi-polar disease, chronic depression or autism, is potentially very different.

I’m like this. It’s not deliberate or any kind of selfish “using” of someone, nor is it bipolar disorder (what an extreme thing to jump to), and I’m not depressed. I am, however, a real introvert with ADHD and I do have periods where I can meet everyone’s social expectations, and periods where I just can’t find the mental energy to be sociable. My friends all know that, and they also know if they came to me and really needed me during my quiet periods, I’d be there for them in a heartbeat

Oh that's ok then. MH issues don't give you a free pass to treat others so badly, You cannot become moody if others don't jump when you click your fingers. Surely she is old enough to have a conversation and say she has issues and if she goes n/c it is because she is having an episode. Most folk will accept that and understand but when you run hot and cold with no explanation people get pissed off and rightly so. Having mh issues does not give you the right to upset folk.

Why not talk to her about how this makes you feel. She may have a really good reason which you will then understand or at least she will know why you are backing away

I would also say it’s this.

I do that. It's not that I don't care about my friend, I do and would be there in a heartbeat for her, it's just I'm terrified that if I keep texting/meeting up/ etc, she will get annoyed and possibly not want me around anymore. So whilst my (mostly) sensible brain tells me not to be so daft, my (at random times), weird brain tells me to back off and give her space. It maybe that her flakiness is just that, or there could be some anxiety issues. Next time she gets in touch ask her why she goes silent for lengths at a time...the answer might surprise you.

She’s not your friend. She’s using you when she fancies being in contact. There is no way I’d put up with that. Stop contacting and if she contacts you don’t reply.

People have different expectations of friendship. I saw someone the other day I.havent seen or spoken to in literally years but it was no different from when we used to bump into each other often and she introduced me to the people she was with as "this is my friend...."

I think its quite normal to have one or two best friends and everyone else is just more of a familiar friendly face. It's maybe selfish but if i don't check in with friends it's usually because life is particularly busy - whether its kids clubs, work, family obligations/birthdays/medical stuff...not because I don't care about them and I'd still try to reply if they messaged me or be there for them if they needed something - but it's just not top of my priority list. Sometimes maybe I'm just messaging or seeing a different friend a bit more those few weeks. Also its slightly hormonal - i tend to withdraw at certain times of my cycle just because I'll be tired and grumpy. When life settles down a bit (even briefly) I'm more likely to have time to think about friends and check in with how they are?

It's very likely not about you. Do you check in with them when they disappear?

Is she the same with other people? Could she have a bipolar disorder, for example?

Op, after such a long time, I would suggest that you have a choice, whether to embrace this friendship and person as she is, and her quirks, or not.

One person’s definition of friendship is very different to another’s.

Obviously it’s not ok for her to be upset about a less than rapturous greeting when she returns after a long absence. But have you had an honest, calm, discussion about this face-to-face or are you showing your upset more subtlety?

There is obviously something going on in her life that she doesn’t feel able to share? Is she autistic perhaps and masking this in order to try and pass as allistic? Does she have bi-polar? A difficult family situation? An intense creative pursuit? A hidden illness? A varying work load? Intermittent bouts of depression? Or is it just that intermittent friendship happens to be the only kind she can offer at the moment?

If you value the friendship, which you obviously do or you wouldn’t be feeling hurt by her actions, then I would try and find out more before characterising her behaviour as intentionally disrespectful to you. I understand why you feel that way but she may not understand that if you don’t discuss it, but try and approach the discussion with an open mind.

Also, I’m interested to know (rhetorical question) why, after a friendship that has endured the entire length of your children’s time at school, that you are only finding her intermittent absences difficult now?

Hard op as you never know where you stand with these people.. I would leave contact to her now. Its good have a few friends.

Maybe she struggles with her mental health and has periods of being depressed.