AIBU to step back from a friend who disappears for months

You're telling us what you should be telling her. Unless you are frank and straightforward with her she will carry on. Next time you get a text after a long period of no contact, straight back at her with a phone call to asking her what she's playing at. The answer lies with you, either make her face up to her behaviour or just forget about her.

I’ve no idea if this is the case with your friend or not but this sound like recurring depression or autism. In both of those instances, you often have to withdraw from rl interaction in order to recover between periods of time after you have forced yourself to appear “normal” when you feel far from it, which it is exhausting.

One of my dd’s is autistic and if she didn’t do the withdrawing bit she would never be able to socialise in the first place!

Scrolling on her phone in a quiet, safe, space is how she de-stresses .

I’m surprised your friend doesn’t send you a “holding” message though op as it is very rude to not answer at all.

Your friend may not want to admit her absences are due to mh reasons out of a combination of shame and guilt. Once she says it to someone in her social circle it becomes a real, concrete thing, and she can no longer pretend to herself that she is “ok”.

Look, it’s not right that you are on the brunt end of this op, and I completely understand why you feel upset, but you are friends and she has chosen not to tell you for her own reasons. It could be as much about deluding herself that she lives with a degree of normality, rather than it being about you.

I don’t know what can be gained exactly from forcing her to confess whatever is wrong with her, especially after a decade, is anything really going to change?

My advice would be to either let the subject drop and enjoy her company when she is around or to tell her straight that you can’t handle the on-off nature of your friendship, even though you have tolerated it for a long time, and end it.

My opinion here is of course totally biased towards your friend and not objective op because I know what my dd goes through in order to socialise:

-weeks of anxiety and stress leading up to event

-lots of self doubt about whether she will or will not be able to manage it at which point she may cancel

-if she doesn’t cancel, more anxiety about the journey and getting there on time and what it will involve, and if she is eating with someone else, or shopping say, is there a clear exit to the outside should she feel panicky or the shop lights affect her?

-anxiety about whether she will be able to pretend not to be affected by what are to her, overpowering smells, sounds, sights while out in public during your meet up

-anxiety about whether she will read social cues correctly and not talk too much, or too little, or interrupt, be able to maintain her concentration, and judge when the interaction is over or not and when someone says “let’s stay for another coffee” do they really mean that or are they just being kind? Or is there a hidden meaning somewhere that she hasn’t caught on to? Especially if it’s “let’s not stay for another coffee” which would lead her to think she has done something wrong,

Remember that during the above she will behaving as though none of the above is going on with her. She will appear animated, interested and humorous.

That’s not to say she won’t enjoy seeing her friend during all of the above and really enjoy the experience getting out too! Some people with ASD crave connection, but it takes so much out of them that they can only manage it occasionally,

Once back after a successful outing my dd will be filled with delight that she managed it, and probably won’t sleep much that night while all of the adrenaline drains from her body, and then she will need to recover for three days or so while she recovers her equilibrium.

Unfortunately all of the above takes a lot of energy and there isn’t a lot left over to understand how others may be feeling in relation to her. And if your friend is older, then menopause can play havoc with symptoms of ASD and she may not be able to mask as well.

This is just one theory Op. If you want to continue the friendship, and if she isn’t forthcoming for whatever reason, tell her you don’t like it but will nonetheless accept things as they are. Or, it’s completely understandable if you want to end it. If she is autistic, it won’t be the first time. And any reasonable person would understand your position too.

@Zootsandlegends looking at your update I would just forget about it really. Sorry you've had this, I know it's horrible 💐

OP I feel this type of behaviour is growing more and more common sadly.

I doubt this lady thinks she’s doing anything wrong, and many people wouldn’t think she is doing anything wrong and would be quite unbothered by this. But then there will be others like you (and me) who find this behaviour quite rude and even creating your own type of anxiety and questioning things.

ultimately the same as it’s fine for this woman to behave like this (she’s not technically doing anything wrong), it’s also not ridiculous for you to feel a bit confused/annoyed by it. It ultimately comes down to whether you’re ok with this type of inconsistent friendship and not let it bother you, or whether you realise it doesn’t in which case it’s not unreasonable for you to step back and fade her out, or politely reply in noncommittal ways.

i used to be the type of person who would advocate actually having an honest conversation about this but honestly, it is a waste of time. She knows she’s like this (admitting being a bit crap in her words) and simply put she will not change, so having that conversation will be pointless and cause you more grief and negativity. You need to let it go - either literally by stepping back from the friendship or accepting this is how it is if you want a friendship, it will be hot and cold and you can’t control that.

And yes, I know people have mental health but I’m so fed up of ADHD/anxiety being constantly used as an excuse or justification. If this lady bothered to communicate and say sorry I’m going through a hard time right now I’ll message you when I have capacity it would be different. It’s also funny that people who are so inconsistent tend to be consistent in things that actually matter - eg work, partner, families, very close friends.

for example one friend I have is always late to meet ups (the worst was nearly 2 hours late and zero communication on the delay, luckily it was a museum, if it was a cafe I would have just gone home). She has ADHD but she can turn up to work on time! So on some level it does reflect the importance of your time and friendship to them.

the sad truth is you’re the probably in that awkward spot where she does appreciate you as a friend but not enough to show you the respect she can and would show others. Or maybe I’m wrong and she’s really this flaky with everyone, but her other friends are similarly minded or just accept it.

For me I’ve accepted the flakiness of my friends like this, although inevitably it does mean I’m a bit cautious with making concrete plans with them and inevitably we meet up less as it’s often when they bother to suggest something. And I know there are only certain activities I would commit to with these friends - eg I would agree to meet up in a park, or go to a museum/exhibition as it means if they’re late I am happy to enjoy those things alone. But meeting up at a restaurant for food or going to the theatre I wouldn’t agree to as I’m always anxious they won’t turn up on time and I either have to eat by myself (fine but not ideal particularly if you have a reservation for two!) or feel awkward about them arriving late to a show and causing disruption to other guests.

All of that to say no, you are not being unreasonable to step back or feel frustrated by this behaviour, and I don’t think she has mental health issues but even if she does it’s still fine for you to set your own boundaries and stop being friends with her without feeling guilty.

Friendships take time and energy and like most relationships it is never 50/50 split..

Some people just can't deal with the amount of investment and find it overwhelming with all the chaos of life so will withdraw to recharge.

Other people just assume you will be there and quite frankly are selfish they typically are the ones who have no excuse to be flakes. There's a few of these in my husbands life. He can handle that sort of thing, I cannot. If this relationship doesn't fulfil your needs then I would suggest moving on.

This is the key thing, isn't it?

i've decided not to tolerate it even when I'm desperate for friends, which fortunately I'm not anymore

I could do that thing of replying eight months later like they do, but it just seems pointless

OP can't you just ask her? Without sounding harsh, just tell her you are a bit confused and she is very important to you...

It just sounds like cycles of socialising a lot and then suddenly stopping. I just saw OP's update that it's not that. Still it's a very strange behaviour...

What makes you think Bipolar?

@ZootsandlegendsId agree she’s crappy but she’s not a friend. That requires a two way relationship. I’d not be available and definitely don’t put yourself out for her. She’s got other people so concentrate on real friends.

Given your update, I'd step back. You're not as close as you think you are. I'm guessing you're a friend of convenience, someone she turns to when she's got nothing else going on. Some people are just rude and think they don't need to send a reply to someone if they don't want to do the thing, it's bad manners IMO. Takes two seconds to text back "not this time, thanks". If she's texting others, on social media and messaging apps, just not you - then it's personal IMO, she just doesn't consider you important enough or worthy of a reply. Sucks, but it's how some people are. Doesn't mean she dislikes you, just that she's selfish.

Have you asked her why she disappears for long periods?

And this is exactly why people are becoming more and more intolerant of the “mental health” card.

Because “mental health” is constantly being used as an excuse to treat people like absolute shit, and we must all b understanding because “mental health.”

Someone kicks off disproportionately, “must have mental health issues.”

Someone treats their friends/family like crap? “Must have mental health issues.”

Even things like murder are explained away under the banner of “mental health” these days.

And now it’s seemingly also ok to ghost your friends because of mental health issues. Even though it’s probably because you’re a bit of a flake.

Also, there’s a difference between just not seeing your friends that often, and actively ghosting them i.e. ignoring messages etc..

I have/had a friend like this.

He genuinely has been through some crap and I have been there for him through it. But he goes from being in constant contact to actively ghosting within a day or two, and then just pops back up expecting his friends to be there because “well everyone knows what I’m like hahahaha”

The first time he did it to me I was heartbroken and wondering what I’d done wrong, and then he just reappeared one day.

And another friend said to me “keep him at arm’s length, if he’s done it once, he’ll do it again. And he did.

I wouldn’t ever block, and I would still be there if he reappeared. But I won’t be telling him I’m desperate for his friendship or whatever, by ghosting people you make.a choice that they may cut you out of their lives.

Conversely I have friends I see maybe once or twice a year, and we message periodically, but that doesn’t mean not being friends or whatever, you can be friends and still not be in constant contact. But once you ghost someone you’ve essentially ended the friendship.

This is exactly how two friends of mine behave who both have severe depression. It is frustrating. I’ve widened my social circle so I’m not reliant on them.

I have a friend like this. She was a victim of domestic violence multiple times and child abduction twice and I supported her in very practical ways such as looking after her baby while she detoxed from alcohol misuse and taking her to pick her older children up from school when her abusive ex would turn up to intimidate her despite court ordered contact. She would then disappear when she took another abusive partner back and abuse alcohol and cut me off again.

I had to accept that she was for all of the above reasons and the impact of the abuse unable to maintain a friendship with me and I took the decision to keep a distance for my own sanity. We are friends on Facebook but not more than that and I no longer get involved.

I think you should do whatever you feel is right but often times, I doubt she'll be that bothered anyway.

I'm a bit like this and I've just got a lot of my social cup already filled so I don't really see it as a big deal to step back for a while.

I acknowledge that this only works if both parties are happy with it and so if someone wanted to step back from me, that's completely their choice and I'm fine with it.

I have a friend like this, was like it for years . She would get involved in some hobby or whatever with other people and I’d barely hear from her for months. I got sick of it in the end and told her how I felt. She apologised and hadn’t realised she’d done any of it. Things got better for a while but then it started happening again. She then got diagnosed with ADHD and it became obvious that she was having periods of intense hyper fixation which meant she genuinely didn’t think about much else. It’s also quite common with adhd that things that aren’t right in front of your face are forgotten about.
ive learnt to accept that this is just how she is and she has told me to tell her when I feel like she’s behaving like this. And tbh I have noticed her make a real effort with it.

best thing is to talk to her.

For myself I don't mind gaps in between meetups, it's the flaky ones I can't stand. The ones who don't even bother to check their texts once per week to see if they've missed any and claim they "forgot" to reply to mine. The ones who cancel last minute (which in my world equals the day before) for no reason. I've usually had to rearrange my week to fit in meeting up with someone, so I get mightily pissed off if they decide they're "too tired" or basically have had a better offer and cancel me. If we've got plans, I expect people to organise themselves so that those plans can go ahead, just like I'm having to do. It doesn't matter if it's just a coffee and catch up, if they cancel thinking it's not important, it means I've rearranged my week (which probably involves rushing about on some other days to carve out this time gap to meet, or getting up despite having had a bad night's sleep because there's no time for a lie in if I'm to fit everything in) for nothing. Those are the people I drop, not the ones who stay in regular-ish communication but don't have constant availability for friends every month.

My guess is she's got health issues or someone in her family has and she doesn't want to tell you (too many people will gossip behind your back about this kind of thing). When she's disappearing it's because she's struggling and has no spare bandwidth for maintaining the intensity of the friendship.

Personally I'd only take it as rudeness if you're texting her about something important and she's ignoring you. It might be that she can't reach out herself but that she'd reply if you did. Or that she just doesn't have anything to say to banal daily comments because all that's in her head is a rant about her situation and she doesn't want to drop that on you, so ignores texts talking about the mundane like "what's for tea" or "how are you" type texts. If you're telling her your life has caved in and she's not responded within a day, or trying to arrange to meet next week and she's not getting back to you even to say she can't meet up right now, then yeh that's rude IMO whether ill or not. So it depends on exactly what's happening whether I'd step back from the friendship or not.

Does she have a partner who works away? That's the other thing I'm wondering, if she maximising time with him while he's around but is at a loose end while he's away.

From her reaction, it seems she doesn't consider herself to be ignoring you, so I'd find out for sure if she is before assuming it's that.

It also depends on your definition of friendship. We all have different individual circumstances. I have many siblings and first and second cousins with whom I am
close. I am also involved in a church community and have a volunteering role and a husband and adult dc.

Outside of those things, and running a home, even though I am retired, I don’t have huge amounts of time for friends. It just isn’t logistically possible to see them very frequently. I love it when I do see them but they tend to be the same as me with busy lives so it’s hard to pin down dates to see each other.

Emotionally speaking, although this may seem harsh, I hope I am there for my friends and am always really interested in their opinions, insights and experiences, but I don’t feel the need to unburden myself to a friend because I am fortunate to have many family members I would go to first in a crisis. So superficial though it sounds, I simply don’t seek the sort of friendships where people expect a lot of intimacy and support.

So whereas lots of people on this thread think it’s shitty to see friends and then have a long gap before seeing them again, I am questioning that premise.