Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel frustrated by my husband's demanding adult daughter?

61 replies

Fab33 · 01/05/2026 01:57

I have a partner that has one child (adult) daughter late 20s she is well putting it politely very demanding of his time, she has a good job partner of her own no real friends tbh but a good career and partner and home appears happy in herself etc, I came into her dad's life afew years ago we are now married set up home together, I absolutely step back and allow them time alone and to do activities together ,active involve her in our day to day lives, we get on OK etc but I have recently been falling out with my partner as tbh it's really reduculous how he is with her .
HE IS A good dad yes, but never says no to her she will turn up at house on her days off want lifts all over, demand dad takes her here there and every where, finds excuses to have him go to her house constantly rings and texts like a unusual high amount, I cannot expect her to change a relationship with her dad because we are together and I don't expect to I honestly take a step back but it's very strange, for context mum isn't on the scene so may exain abit why she is as she is, but a example of the way she is, she turns up wanting a lift home(we live in a busy town centre), and then insists dad drives her 30 mins for something takes her to supermarket and all sorts 3 hours and the where just nipping her home,
Every time she knows dad and I have a day off together and she is at home she's ringing and texting and finds a excuse to need him, I have no restrictions as to when she visits and I encourage them to do activities together but I am finding this is causing a huge wedge between us as we never get any "" us""time literally if she is off work she bombard our days, dad is retired I work still part time.
I have spoken to him and he just says she is demanding and agrees but he basically will not say no to her ever,
I absolutely believe she shoukd come first and her needs as his adult child but at what point does it stop struggling and finding it hard to see a future where I'm not getting annoyed at a constant basically adult demanding toddler!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Original poster
Fab33 · 03/05/2026 00:33

So I decided to say something to my partner and said have you realised your averageing 50 texts a day with your daughter he laughed and said he was going to go count today's messages it was 25!!!
He said oh that is a little bit demanding isn't it,
I've told him I'm going to start to be hell of a lot more""needy" "over the next few weeks as it seems to work for his daughter!!!
But in all seriousness I am going to lay down what I want so much more!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 02/05/2026 12:19

I absolutely believe she shoukd come first

I actually don't believe adult children should come first, at least most of the time.

She's an adult, he needs to be helping her develop the skills to lead an independent life. That should've happened already but it's never too late.

PullTheBricksDown · 02/05/2026 12:15

Fluffyholeysocks · 02/05/2026 12:00

I'd start making my own plans that didn't include DP on your joint days off. If he queries why you can tell him that he'll need to be around for his DD won't he?
Make it his problem - not yours. Don't let this behaviour affect you, go out and have a lovely day with friends and be full of it when you get back. Then just ask what did she need you for today?

This but I'd also arrange a specific joint outing, eg trip to another town or something you both wanted to see. And wait to see if she deliberately tries to disrupt it, and if he's willing to bin a planned ahead day out with you for an on-demand drive to the shop for his daughter. If the latter you can say 'look, you're being crap about this'

Fluffyholeysocks · 02/05/2026 12:00

I'd start making my own plans that didn't include DP on your joint days off. If he queries why you can tell him that he'll need to be around for his DD won't he?
Make it his problem - not yours. Don't let this behaviour affect you, go out and have a lovely day with friends and be full of it when you get back. Then just ask what did she need you for today?

Hallywally · 02/05/2026 12:00

@SlightyamusedandsillyI can totally see why it would be too much for a partner. My dad didn’t die a lonely man- he had eight of us with him (kids & grandkids) as he passed & also had lots of friends- he was very sociable. I would have liked him to meet someone for companionship but he never wanted to. I do think him having a partner wouldn’t have been compatible with the level to contact he had with us.

Flamingojune · 02/05/2026 11:58

Does she not drive?

socks1107 · 02/05/2026 11:56

It sounds suffocating. You need to talk to your dh, she’s an adult and should be doing things by herself not leaning on him so much.
She’s making absolutely sure she’s number 1 priority and that needs for her own sake too

Slightyamusedandsilly · 02/05/2026 11:55

This sounds very much like my ex @Hallywally. The reason I ended it was because despite having a family, his DD was the woman in his life. Not me. I was never a priority. He is a very lonely man now and has seen the error of his ways.

Hallywally · 02/05/2026 11:52

My dad was widowed young & me & my sister were very close to him, along with our kids. We saw him multiple times a week and he helped us out loads. We loved him a lot and also spent a lot of time with him, we didn’t just take from him. We helped him when he needed it too. He’s now dead and we would probably have fallen into the category of your DH’s daughter. Difference was, he never wanted to meet anyone. After my mum died, basically lived for us and the grandkids. It made him happy.

Your DH sounds similar, especially with her mum not being around. I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it I’m afraid- as others said, this situation already existed before you came along.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 02/05/2026 11:48

Fab33 · 02/05/2026 11:35

She's always been full on tbh

It's not about her though.

It's him. HE is the one you need to be looking at.

Original poster
Fab33 · 02/05/2026 11:35

She's always been full on tbh

OP posts:
Slightyamusedandsilly · 02/05/2026 11:10

BollyMolly · 01/05/2026 04:15

You clearly dislike her and resent that she and your husband have a close relationship, but your DH is happy with it, and it’s up to him. You don’t hear to control him out of jealousy. I don’t think it’s ridiculous for a woman to be close to her Dad. When women are close to their mothers no one bats an eyelid.

It is abnormal when it prevents him having a relationship with his wife.

But it isn't the daughters fault. She does sound like a cow, but the OP can't get involved with that. The issue is her DH/the father. He's pathetic. How hard is it to say, 'Sorry love, I'm busy today. Could pop over after 6 if you like?'

SingingHinny · 02/05/2026 11:09

But is this new, OP, or has their level of contact always been like this, since you’ve been in a relationship with your now DH?

Sprinkleofspice · 02/05/2026 11:06

It sounds as though they might be a bit enmeshed? Obviously it must be hard that her mum isn’t around but I think she must be quite anxious to send 50+ messages a day? I think two phone calls a day is a lot never mind all the messages

Noshadelamp · 02/05/2026 10:08

53 texts in 24 hours for non emergency situation is crazy! Does he reply back at the same level?

You need practical steps in place to protect you and your dh's time together eg

If she's targeting days you plan together, don't tell her in advance

No phones at meal times

I was going to say to put phones on settings so you only receive calls but if she sends a few texts and doesn't get a reply she'll probably ring, won't she, in which case you're relying on your DH to tell her he's busy/out/ can't speak right now.

And so it comes back to having a DH problem.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 02/05/2026 09:56

How does she know when you have a day off together in order to 'ruin' it by constant contact?

It can only be because your DH is telling her. If he was really unhappy with her behaviour he would have stopped it by now. So he is happy to carry on, and you are fighting him, not his DD. For some reason he likes playing the doting father and I am not sure you could ever make him scale back the contact if he is defining himself through his DD.

Noras · 02/05/2026 09:49

Some adult kids speak to their parents once per day ( a quick video call) and some speak to their parents once per week. It ultimately depends on the relationship.

You could take a different tack and bombard her back eg invite her for dinner, insist that she visits the pair of you every day, ask her to come shopping with you - basically throw her or you might form a closer bond. If she is being manipulating this will confuse her.

Cherrysoup · 02/05/2026 09:25

50+ messages a day is mad, but a colleague does multiple WhatsApps, so she was messaging me en route to work yesterday, 9 messages. The first 3 were telling me our manager wasn’t in. She’s does the millennial style, so name of person, then ‘isn’t in’, then ‘I’m covering’. I’d do one message with all of that in. So 50+ messages throughout the day might not be different things.

Does he know her level of enmeshment isn’t normal? I’m assuming you’ve told him? Does he consider her more important than you?

MrsShawnHatosy · 02/05/2026 08:44

Morepositivemum · 02/05/2026 08:29

I think there’s a middle ground here, your dad is in a lot of cases, by definition your person, and people always joke about him being the taxi driver etc. it’s hard to know if she really insists, or whether he’s just happy to do it as a lot of dads are. My dad used to offer a lot of lifts as an adult child and he would insist. You saying she contacts when it’s both of your days off, it could be just that it’s his day off and unfortunately fir you that’s you and his’ day but she just hears ‘dads off today’. If she hasn’t friends and no mum even if she has a partner, her dad may just be the one she goes to

Yeah but she’s late 20s, not living at home, has her own partner and life. She should be able to manage her own life day to day without constantly calling on her parent. Or are adult children so infantilised that this is no longer expected?

TheLivelyAzureHedgehog · 02/05/2026 08:44

I have spoken to him and he just says she is demanding and agrees but he basically will not say no to her ever,

Well that's the end of that then. This is the core issue and if that isn't going to change, you can only decide what you are going to do in response.

LiveLuvLaugh · 02/05/2026 08:42

If your question was “should I feel frustrated by my husband’s behaviour” I would have voted YANBU but you are framing this as her “fault”. You sound patient, reasonable and sympathetic but he needs to balance his support for his daughter with his life and partnership with you. I get the sense this is going to work out as you both sound like caring and conscientious people.

Theunamedcat · 02/05/2026 08:38

If talking to him hasn't worked time to get a hobby and a social circle and begin making plans elsewhere on your days off like plan on going out as a group and when he gets sidetracked by his daughter go out anyway he makes the choice not to attend but you dont need to be stuck with his choices do you

Morepositivemum · 02/05/2026 08:34

It depends what they were about though, but yes sounds like a lot

MrsShawnHatosy · 02/05/2026 08:32

Morepositivemum · 02/05/2026 08:29

I think there’s a middle ground here, your dad is in a lot of cases, by definition your person, and people always joke about him being the taxi driver etc. it’s hard to know if she really insists, or whether he’s just happy to do it as a lot of dads are. My dad used to offer a lot of lifts as an adult child and he would insist. You saying she contacts when it’s both of your days off, it could be just that it’s his day off and unfortunately fir you that’s you and his’ day but she just hears ‘dads off today’. If she hasn’t friends and no mum even if she has a partner, her dad may just be the one she goes to

50 odd texts a day sounds pretty insistent to me.

MrsShawnHatosy · 02/05/2026 08:30

permanently · 02/05/2026 08:17

Sounds like my friend’s sister who in her 50’s has been diagnosed ADHD. I think your DP is aware of her difficulties and is worried for her mental health. Let her exhaust him on your working days and on days off put a boundary down with her eg can you text me instead, your Dad is resting. Get a strategy going with your DP if possible. But the dynamic could be entrenched on both sides. Remove yourself and enjoy the peace!

Let her exhaust him on your working days and on days off put a boundary down with her eg can you text me instead, your Dad is resting.

I don’t think she would respond well to this at all! It has to come from her dad.

Where is her partner in all this? He must be pretty fed up.