Shocked by DP arranging for a woman to join us in the bedroom

I’m shocked he’s asked so many times to be frank. Most people would mention the fantasy once, have it rebuked and realise their partner just isn’t interested so drop it. The fact he’s mentioned it again and again sounds really pushy and coercive in ways. I also can’t believe he’s so desperate to fulfil this he jumped on your drunken joke and booked an escort. What a weirdo.

Let a thousand flowers bloom, isn't it? No one's saying 'ooh, don't have a threesome' and clutching their pearls... have a bus orgy if you want one... as long as it's done with everyone's wholehearted, uncoerced consent...

Yes, I was just about to say, I'd be scared to ever take a drink around him again...

after trying the 3 way, personally one on one is better and in a open style setup

Given that he's asked you multiple times for 3somes even though you've said no and taken a drunken comment as possible consent and finding a sex worker to be the third, you've got big problems here.

He doesn't care about consent. He's willing to steamroll you and nag you about your no. That's a lack of respect. Using sex workers also shows lack of care about consent.

He's willing to use a sex worker that he was able to find very quickly. He claims she was well recommended by a "colleague". Is his workplace one where talking to coworkers about being with sex workers is ok? I think he's bullshitting you and has used sex workers. Get full STI testing.

He's got a kink. He's asked you multiple times to do this, you've said no. He knows you don't want to do this, but he doesn't care about that. He used a comment made under the influence and ran with that as consent to break your sexual boundary. He will keep pressuring you to participate until you either give in or break up. If you are under the influence, he will push and push. You are sexually incompatible.

I hope you also realize that you can't be under the influence or take sedatives around him. He sounds like someone who could use your being incapacitated to do what he wants. You can't trust him because consent is not something he values.

I don't know why this isn't a deal breaker for you. I get you've been seeing him a few years but that's sunk cost when he's trying to push you into sex acts you don't want to do.

I wonder how many years he also badgered his late wife with this? Or maybe he finally wore her down into agreeing and that's why he's not giving up with you OP.

I'd be asking him about this.

I hope you told the police.

I think even that's a bit generous. I am pretty certain his actual proposal is 'let's get a prostitute for me to play with, and for me to command you to play with in ways that I find sexy. Very generously, I'll cover the whole bill!'

"I will do the three some provide you do my fantasy first of watching a gorgeous bloke shagging you up the arse Don't worry it'll be at my expense and choice, he also needs to be huge."

I didn’t say he has ignored consent I said he doesn’t respect the concept. Which he doesn’t, as she’s said no to a sex act then had to repeatedly say no as he’s kept pushing for it. Thats not respectful of consent, is it?

And I don’t doubt some women enjoy being sex workers. The point is, a man cannot know for sure if she enjoys it or if she has been coerced, abused etc. A man willing to take the chance he’s contributing to rape just because he wants sex is not a decent man in my opinion. I don’t think that’s an especially high bar.

What he’s actually said to you is “let’s get a prostitute to play with together”.

He's never going to drop this. He doesn't understand that no means no. He wanted to hire a sex worker into the most intimate part of your relationship.

Why the fuck have you not dumped him already?

The fact you have yet to dump him just shows how little you value yourself.

No wonder he thought to ask.

I would be breaking up with this guy faster than he arranged another woman. He sounds revolting.

Like someone else said OP you do need to do a STD Screen.

I would be furious with him for not taking the 100 no’s and still persisting with me when I’d had a few drinks. Sleazy man.

Yes, its an industry where people are exploited. There are many other industries that people are also exploited, including labouring for men and nail salons. We don't even know that he has even used sex workers before, he may have just considered it. There were a number of posts that assumed he had, and for me given he has been through a lot emotionally, instead of writing him off completely for possibly using or looking into this feels harsh, unless there were signs that he had used unethical sources. Obviously there can be personal red flags if OP is zero tolerance, and absolutely nothing wrong with that. We all have lines. I would just personally have a little more understanding based on what we have been told about his background.

Its also naïve to not understand there are many women who enjoy working in this sector. I have known a couple many years ago, there were certainly no signs of them being exploited against their will. Just students who didn't mind the work for the extra money. I don't know of any friends of mine, male or female that have used sex workers but am also aware it isn't necessarily talked about openly. But I am aware, anecdotally, of many women who have used them. Sometimes as companions more than physically. But it definitely exists for widows, not just widowers and I wouldn't judge a woman anymore than I would judge a man for it. As long it was consensual of course.

Sex work is the oldest profession in the world, its not all about child or vulnerable people being exploited. There are horrible things happening in the world, but not every situation involves worst case scenario. He has involved OP in the discussion, so whilst I completely agree he needs to understand no means no, he hasn't actually forced her to do anything against her will. So it seems it is currently at the inappropriate level, not ignoring consent.

I would thank my stars that I don't live with him, it makes it so much easier to end the relationship.

He is never going to let his 'fantasy' drop. I would not want to be with a man who really really wants something that I really really don't. Look at what he just did - at the first hint of not-a-complete-refusal, he steams ahead to make all the arrangements. The image in my head is of a vulture, watching and waiting, watching and waiting, ready to swoop in. Bleurgh, just - no.

Sometimes people say things when they are drunk that they wouldn’t say when sober because actually they do want to say it but keep it hidden for whatever reason. Equally they say things that are absolutely in jest. Either way, acting on what OP said without any further clarification, especially given what was said, seems unbelievable, to arrange it and then pretty much say, did you mean it, is not what you want from a partner, by all means ask if it was meant then act on it if the answer was yes or maybe, but this is totally the wrong way to go about things

Being lonely doesn’t override the fact that you can’t actually know whether someone in that situation is fully consenting or a victim of abuse / coercion etc. That’s a pretty huge ethical consideration to just wave away as ‘he needed company’.

Also, calling it ‘help to move on’ is a bit generous. And hugely naive. It’s still participating in an industry where exploitation and trafficking is rife, not forming a mutual, willing connection with someone who actually wants to be there.

And it’s interesting how this logic rarely seems to apply the other way around. You don’t exactly see loads of widowed women turning to sex workers to ‘move on’, do you? Almost like it’s less about grief and more about what gets normalised for men…

And considering we know he that for ages he’s pushed OP on the topic of threesomes rather than accepting her original no and all the subsequent ones, he doesn’t sound like he a massive respect for consent does he?

Agree 100%. Plus any ambivalence or even expressions of interest shown under the influence of alcohol is void. Perhaps show him the TEA video on consent.

Either way, I’m afraid he sounds like a manipulative creep who you will find sexting women and watching porn who will blame you for not meeting his supposedly natural needs.

Please, please, please… just walk away now. There are lots and lots of nice men out there with a normal, healthy interest in sex who will work with their partners within her boundaries to keep things fresh and exciting.

He’s openly admitting his desire to have sex with another woman. Just because he’s framing it as a threesome and a “fantasy” doesn’t make it any more acceptable. This is something you’ve already dismissed and he keeps bringing it up. I’d be furious too.

May I just add to the chorus of dump the dickhead.

He's not accepted your "no", has pushed for a sexual experience that you do not want.

He's not a good man. He's not seeing you as an equal partner.

He's not worth your time

You will never be enough for him. Is he enough for you?

He’s obviously been using these sites frequently and recently 🚩🚩🚩🚩

I never said it did. I said that after all the times saying no, she says something that he thinks means she is weakening and might try it.

I have no idea what the OP needs to consider, he'd be dumped by now if it were me.