Was private school worthwhile for your neurodiverse child?

My best friends ASC daughter went to 2 private secondary schools. First was a high achieving girls school. When she started to struggle with going into school, they weren’t very helpful in making any adjustments so she became a school refuser. Second school was much smaller, and although not a special school, most of the children did have additional needs. She never really settled socially there and started refusing to go. They finally sent her to our local state secondary and it has been the best fit for her. They are actually much more accommodating. They have pastoral areas if she needs a quieter space or someone to talk to. When she had a period of not going in, one of the pastoral team would pop round with some reading books for her each day (she is an avid reader), after a few days of this she started going to school to get the books, with no pressure to stay, this then led to staying for a bit and built up to her getting back in to lessons. The state schoolhas definitely been the most proactive in adapting to help her and meet her needs.

My sen child started at a selective private secondary and we moved to state for financial reasons. On balance, he is doing better in state. As others mentioned, the highly competitive, sporty, alpha types weren’t really his bag, he is also more confident being towards the top academically and actually he has said that the teaching is better. Just as much SEN support (to be fair not much in either school but more in the state one and the team are lovely).

I’d 100% agree with this. My child’s school loves the Asperger’s high functioning ASD kids as they often get 100% in the national exams, get high As in everything and make their stats look great. A child with ADHD throwing chairs wouldn’t last the morning before being asked to leave. Harsh but true.

Yes absolutely although I think it was the specific school rather than it being private if you see what I mean. It had a really nice family feel, staff turnover was low, you could pay for 1 to 1 with the SENCO and sports, music, residentials etc were high quality. Wraparound and holiday club and activities like cooking all on site. A really effective Head who "got" her.

It set her up so well that she's coping well in year 8 of a comprehensive now and achieving at average levels.

If there are 4 people together, some neurotypical, some neurodivergent then this is neurodiversity.

A person is not neurodiverse. They are neurodivergent.

A private education will be the best thing you can do for your child. It will likely be a neuroaffirming environment not least because many people who can afford it are at the top of their game due to the focus divergents have.

No

far too much pressure on ds to achieve high grades

there is less support now he is at state school but he had a tutor now and this works much better for him him and he is happier

I would also ask about those who moved from one state school to another or one private school to another, as that might tell you more about what to look for or avoid.

OP, the issue you have is very few people send their child to private and then move to state (unless they can’t afford it). However, parents get more choice with private and so are more likely to remove from an unsuitable state school. So you can’t really compare unless you ask how those in state schools only got on (and even then you can’t compare because it’s just one system).

For reference, DS is 6 and diagnosed with ASD and is in a state school. He is doing very well and no plans yet to move to private. He is making expected progress though and I would argue so much depends on the school itself, not just whether it is state or private.

Dd is in a relatively small co-Ed private school. She changed in year 9 from a large state school, where she was not coping. She’d already had a bout of near school refusal at age 6/7, so it was vital to act when I realised she wasn’t ok. It was totally the right thing for her and allowed her to pass all her GCSES and she’s sitting A levels this year.

I strongly disagree with this.

Non SEN private schools are better for some SEN children. Usually the ‘Asperger’s’ style ASD kids who need small classes, calm and are capable of sitting still and listening. Or the dyslexics/dyspraxics.

For the ADHD/ODD kids they don’t necessarily fit at all - and those kids are ‘asked to leave’. So they end up in state.

I’ve found at primary school that state is able to cater much better for the ADHD kids. Not all state schools of course, but the provision has been far better at my DD2s state primary than was provided to a similar child at DD1s private primary.

DS went to a small state primary which was fantastic - because they were friendly, and able to get to know him and his foibles.

He goes to a small private secondary, because if he'd gone to a comp like mine he would have been eaten alive. The secondary I chose because again, it's a very friendly place, it's small so everyone knows him, and it lets the kids be good a what they are good at, rather than ignoring you if you're not sporty or shoving you in a corner if you're not academic. He's found some nerdy mates, and is thriving.

Yes for the nurturing pastoral care and being really known to staff who bent over backwards for her

I don’t think it’s fair at all to suggest private schools and state schools are starting from an equal footing. Their funding models are completely different and their budgets to spend on premises, staff and activities is widely different too.

They don’t “want” to be inclusive, they need to be. The government in many cases refuse to provide funding for appropriate placements so children of all abilities and health conditions end up in state schools, often 30 kids and 1 teacher. Burnout also results in high staff turnover. They simply don’t have the funding to offer what private schools can.

Likewise, most families can barely afford the basic living costs, let alone thousands each term on schooling. That said, my children are doing very well in state primary and as well as getting a good education, they’re also growing up in a very “real world” environment which serves them well, I feel. So this isn’t a dig on state schooling at all.

Because my child’s private mainstream school provides a calm safe atmosphere we have no interaction with SEN anymore. No need to. There’s none of the overwhelming experiences that led to breakdowns in state.

Where did you relocate from?

AuDHD DS1 loves state secondary and is excelling (genuinely, is in top sets and will get highest grades if he stays on track). He has a lovely geeky crew, too. Does all the extra-curriculars.

child 1 (asd)
State: might get a gcse or 2
Private: on track for full set of gcse between 6 and 8

child 2 (adhd)
state: classclown
private: turns out he’s twice exceptional and miles ahead of the curriculum if properly supported

i think thr verdict is clear
just to clarify this is NOT the teachers’ fault - but the system is utterly broken

It really depends on the schools available to you. Some state schools are ill equipt to deal with a range of issues. Others are brilliant. Some privates have - unofficially - become a hub for kids with SEN, making them undesirable for some high functioning ND kids. Even though they do not describe themselves as an SEN school, they've almost become one. I know children who have gone from state to private, then back to state, as a result.

You can’t really compare because all schools are different. Some private schools are downright bigoted about autistic children, even if they are very academic. In state, the large class sizes can be overwhelming.

I think it entirely depends on the child and the school. I went to a private primary for a few years, after failing at state school. It just meant I failed in private too. My ds goes to a state school for autistic children and it is brilliant. I can't imagine a private school being better. Mainstream state was an absolute cwr crash though.

My DS went to private school from age 11-16 and it was awful. We chose that option as he’s a year behind chronological age and our local state school said he’d have to start into y8 when we investigated. As pp have said, entitled peers and a very cliquey social scene that he just couldn’t fit into. He’s at a state sixth form and thriving now, with a good social group and lots of support.
For transparency’s sake I’m a SENCO in a big state school and I have found the opposite regarding independent school SEN support. DS’s was pretty shoddy and old fashioned at his independent school and anecdotally this is the case with a lot of our local indies too. The state schools locally seem much more ‘on it’, including DS’s sixth form. With the exception of specialist independents of course.
It’s horses for courses though. I’m sure many fee paying schools have excellent support and don’t maintain the rather blasé attitude we experienced with access arrangements and social support in the independent sector.

Yes. Because DD17 would not have coped anymore with the large state school class sizes and general noise. I put her in all girls private school for secondary. She was so much happier.

It’s the disruption in state that my child struggled with. Full on sensory overload in class, playground, corridors, just everywhere. Constant shouting out, screeching etc. just intolerable. Then being socially awkward and geeky means being the number 1 target for bullies too. Daily assaults, with the school being indifferent. Private schools can just remove badly disciplined children, making an atmosphere that a ND child can really, really thrive in.

Its so sad the state sector has no interest in offering this to the majority of ND and NT kids who would equally thrive.

This is us - DC was sinking, little by little in state primary and was starting to hate school. Moved for Yr6 and we have a different child, happy, confident, thriving.

You don’t need smaller class sizes in the state sector. You need to remove anyone who isn’t prepared to sit down, shut up and listen to specialist schools or pupil referral units, leaving the vast majority of school kids in a mainstream state school class getting a high quality education in a safe, calm place.

Simple but costs money so the state are going hard the other way, chucking everyone in the same class and hoping not too many children get assaulted / traumatised. Inclusion (sounds so cosy and ‘group-huggy’). Utter disaster.