Was private school worthwhile for your neurodiverse child?

My children are very academically able with severe needs. I have a boy and a girl.

At the time our LA policy was to have 30 kids per class. If necessary, by mixing age groups. There was no possibility for small classes in state provision locally.

DC1 started reception and completed infant school. Junior School was in OFSTED special measures and the staff pretty much did the opposite of whatever the advisory teacher said and generally unpleasant. She loved her friends and hated change and wanted to stay. Y4 teacher even more of a horror. Lasted about two weeks. DC1 came out with a pros and cons list (one pro - they can use the drinking fountain) and I took her out. She was already on the waiting list for another school.

I started EHE and she hated it. I engaged tutors and she would put her head on the table and refuse to engage. I was mortified by her brattiness. She got used to the tutors and they tried to find her a place in their schools. This is how we ended up at a single sex private school. They had lots of children like her and she was there from Y4 - Y13.

HOWEVER after GCSEs she decided she wanted mixed state sixth form. I cannot fault the specialist Autism teacher from the LA and the receiving state school. They worked with her on one page profiles, visits and meeting the teachers, taking photos and making orientation books.

For the first four days, I had several calls from staff about how to manage her behaviour and distress. On the fourth day, she came out with a list of pros and cons about why she should go back to her old school. (I had forgotten until I saw it that she did the same in Y4). Luckily for her, her old school had her back. It turned out that they had plans in place to manage all the things that the other school had been phoning me about. She is the same everywhere - they were just better at supporting. She also has a small group of ND friends which she has kept.

DC 2 - enjoyed being at infants with his sister. Also managed Y3 at juniors (still in special measures) but attendance less than 50% by end of year. Verbalised++ that "wants to be normal and go to school". We found single form entry - so still 30 per class but actual school was smaller. He lasted about til Easter and then I withdrew him.

EHE from Y3 - Y6. His target was to be back in school for Y7. I felt a lot of pressure to "keep him up" with peers in school so he could slot back into Y7. Hated Y7 in local state school with local friends. Was back in EHE by Easter.
Very upset about it not working out.

Went to open day of very small private school which was not selective and offered extremely personalised provision. I cannot overstate this. He went there from partway through Y8 until Y11. He wanted to go to a bigger 6th Form in state school. Lasted 4 weeks. Complete burnout. Took the rest of the year off.

Went back to local college. Massive struggles but really his last chance. Has private tutors for all of his subjects so effectively EHE just goes to college for social experience and to "be normal" but really struggles with the environment. He is expected to get exceptional grades.

I don't know if that is helpful. One child settled into the right school and pretty much stayed there. The other struggles everywhere he goes.

For us the right school was night and day, but the child does not always know which side their bread is buttered!

He would have likely have done better then where he was, but he struggled academically and unlikely to have achieved much more academically anywhere, so as a cost vs outcome, I don’t think it would have been worth it. I suspect there wouldn’t have been many like minded people for him at an independent school, so wouldn’t have found his tribe so to speak. I think home tutoring for him would have been far more successful then either independent or state (we did have some tutors but too little, too late in hindsight). Where as my other child would be much more likely to find her tribe, be much more settled socially in an independent school. First child, is now out of education and has found his thing, settled in a full time job, found friends via that but still no GCSEs.

The question is far too wide. Unfortunately it’s not an option for me, but I have no doubt the right school would have huge benefit to my ASD child who loves education but hates the large school environment. My other ASD / ADHD child wouldn’t have felt the benefit in the same way.

Private secondary schools tend to be brutally honest - they either take a child (if there is a fit), or not.
Sone are great for SENDs, some only for some SENDs, sone not at all.
The state sector takes all children indiscriminately, but also can’t do many SENDs children justice. The difference is that you find out by your child failing and struggling, with little information provided upfront (good luck getting anything out of a state SENCO before you actually are at the school!).
I rather know in advance a school can’t meet the need than my child suffering and burning out.

I completely agree with you on both points. If DC is doing well, it seems wrong to wait for a crisis state to take action.

My advise would be to look at your local schools, state and private. I think parents can generally detect the best fit. I have done several bouts of HE and it is much harder work than having a child in school, especially if you are planning on doing GCSEs etc (although not impossible). I found the social side much harder to maintain in EHE. This will depend on your location and what other activities DC does etc.

Is online school something you would consider?

I'm surprised, our local private school has refused to accept two ND children I know! I assume because they don't have the "right" kind of autism. (Excellent communicators, but slightly behind academically)

DC is very lucky to have your support.

Two very different options though.

@FriedaForever

Sorry I forgot to quote your post.

I agree with you about transition to secondary (school dependent obvs)

My kids were both in crisis when still in primary school.

Are you seriously considering HE?

Which country?

It sounds like they are doing well. I think friends is difficult with ASD/ADHD kids snd they often need abit longer to find their tribe.

Why are you thinking you need private or EHE?

Yep it's a definite worry. I've researched a couple of options of it goes pear shaped but our local school has a reasonable reputation for ND kids so fingers crossed.

@Velumental primary? there are decent primary schools, but things often break down in secondary. I’m wishing you the best of luck, and hopefully it works out, but please be alert to early sign in year 7/8!

My child's school manage it. My son's class has about 6/7 ND children out of 30 (that I definitely know of) and they are able to support them all to the extent they are able to take part in class, follow curriculum etc. my son. Who I worried wouldn't manage school at all, thrives academically and socially. I didn't know school could be so genuinely inclusive.

To add to my post above: My youngest is twice exceptional- adhd and gifted. Private is a life saver.
My oldest is high functioning ASD with high average profile. State predicted 1-2 gcses. On track for a full set of gcses between 6 and 8.
A friend’s daughter also has adhd, but with a low average cognitive profile. She is on track to pass a full set of gcses which is a massive achievement for her - again durcto support in private.

What is your child needing?

I have two kids now in 6th form and uni and have done combos of state/private/EHE.

We agonised over the decision to move our DD (Autistic, ADHD and DCD) from state to private for Year 7. I was so nervous we would end up regretting it, but we looked round all the local secondary schools and it was very clear to us that there was simply no way DD would cope with a big, busy, noisy environment with 1500+ kids pushing and shoving their way through crowded corridors every hour. If we hadn't gone private I probably would have ended up quitting my job to home-educate her, which I really didn't want to do as I love my job, and I wasn't convinced it would be the right thing for DD either.
In the end we found a local independent school that is small, nurturing, and very calm. It ended up being the best decision we've ever made and DD has absolutely thrived. They have high expectations of children and results are excellent, but the focus is very much on wellbeing and valuing every child for their effort and unique contribution, not just academic achievement. The staff are incredibly kind, flexible and supportive. They are more than happy to put in place any accommodations or reasonable adjustments that DD needs and communication is excellent. She has made a lovely group of friends, has joined loads of clubs and had some amazing trips and experiences. It has made a tremendous difference to our home life as her sleep and her eating have improved, afterschool meltdowns have significantly reduced and she has grown in confidence so much since September.
I do think it's important to choose a school with the right ethos as despite being very able academically, DD definitely wouldn't have coped emotionally in a high pressure, super competitive environment which is very much the vibe we got from some of the private schools locally.