AIBU to feel let down when my husband will not do pick-up as agreed?

Unfortunately I have had a similar experience. I’ll never forget the days when I’d been at home with the children by myself all day and DH was out of the house 7 to 7. All I wanted to do when he got home was pass him the youngest to entertain while I got the oldest ready for bed. He point bank refused until he had had a shower and something to eat, by which point I had conveniently done the bedtime by myself.

I can tell you with great certainty it doesn’t get better OP. If you can, put your foot down now and insist on change. He has to give you a break, even if just for a day(!)

I agree with bribery etc. However, drop your Mum. Your childhood was bad enough to need counselling. Don't put any extra stress on your and your DH's life to help her. You need a break somewhere. Have a full conversation with your DH and say you need something taking over. Perhaps get feedback on what he does differently. Although sometimes you are just counting down for them to grow up at bit, at difficult phases.

Just turn off the phone? What if he doesn’t see the message —threat—?
are you back at work? Could you look at other
nurserys or are you needing two spaces?

edited to apologise that missed you’re at work! How would he feel if you said “gosh am too busy at work too”?!

The main thing you need is for your husband to cop on to himself, but chocolate buttons are a great runner up. Or bubbles. Bubbles are a great distraction for car seats, everyone gets a turn to blow them when they're all buckled in safely.

It sounds like you are really overwhelmed but even if dh did today's drop off, that probably wouldn't make a dent in the overwhelm.

Try to break it down into parts. Something like this...

1. Drop the rope with your mum. She's not your responsibility and you have enough on your plate.
2. Try strategies suggested on here for your ds's behaviour. Especially a snack. I also found mine hated the car after nursery and both kids are so much happier being picked up into a cargo bike, something to consider if possible.
3. Take a few days off work if possible to have a break.
4. Is the counselling actually helping you?If it isn't, stop going. A bad counsellor can make you feel worse about things, not better.

Chocolate buttons are what you need.

Plain old bribery.

"Hi Timmy did you have a good day... here's a chocolate button"
"Once we get to the car you can have another one."
Great job! And when you get in the car nicely you can have a couple more.
There you go"

Then you eat a couple yourself for hanging in there.

Sounds f-ing stressful 💐💐💐

Separately your husband sucks.

Rather than going straight to the car can you find a bench in a local park or green space and have a snack and 10 minutes to decompress?

whilst they are too young for a diagnosis it’s worth bearing in mind there is often a degree of heredity in neurodiversity, so if you have ADHD, there is a higher chance your child does. It sounds like they are overwhelmed and overtired and the sudden relief of being back in a safe space with you is causing them to explode. Can you give them some time before moving onto the next thing?

I bet they aren’t so great for your DP, which is why he’s actively avoiding the job too.

I would say that in this situation the child's behaviour is not the problem. Children act up. The problem is that the OP is actively suicidal and has asked for a very small amount of help from her husband and he has refused to do it.

Do you take food to eat the car sounds like DS is ‘hangry’ ie tired and hungry. I can see you are disappointed DH has let you down but I think you also need to address why DS is so bad in car as could be dangerous. Take him banana so he isn’t so hungry. Good luck 🤞

To add - you did absolutely the right thing by telling your DH exactly how you feel and trying to put in a short term solution. The fact that your DH just shrugged and said no to your cry for help is just awful.

You will be ok and you will get through this but you need to source help from someone other than your DH. He is not a safe person.

I would text and say 'You are doing pickup. This is not optional.' And turn off your phone. You are at crisis point and need help asap. Have you been to the doctor recently? Are you seeing a counsellor? Is there a friend that you can go and talk to?

Not what you asked, but are you sure the nursery is the right one for your DS?

My DS used to go to a nursery that we weren’t happy with and moved him to a childminder in the end. When DS came out of nursery he would scream and refuse to get into the car (he was only 2 at the time) but it sounds like a similar kind of reaction. I think he was so stressed there that it all came exploding out when I collected him.

Sorry you’re struggling, and yes your DH is being awful.

This is worse than him telling you a firm no. I’d be considering divorce if I told my DH I was suicidal and he built a shed instead.

Oh man I feel for you. I remember my ex finding any excuse he could to avoid helping when I was telling him I’m drowning and can’t cope. I think the fact you know there is no help despite not being ‘alone’ makes it feel worse. I split up and after a few months where he clearly tried and failed to replace me he came back and is 50/50 with me now very very amicable and supportive. We teeter on getting back together but I don’t trust all the fair and equal parenting not to dry up the second I’m trapped again. Plus I cannot forgive I told him I was hating life so bad I wanted to die and he walked out saying he needed space from my emotions leaving me alone to care for the kids in that state.

ask your husband how building a shed is more important than his wife and child when the wife is describing suicide fantasy’s over something he can easily help with. How long does the school run take? He can take a break from the shed. If he still won’t help you and this is a pattern of behaviour then I’d consider leaving him. My depression or whatever it was disappeared when I didn’t feel let down constantly and alone, I was more alone because I was single but I wasn’t being let down so it didn’t hurt!