To have confronted DP over passwords to adult sites

Have he apologised since?

I'm no expert, but aren't paid sites usually interactive ones? I don't like porn at all and would be upset if my DH used it but interactive stuff would be much worse for me. I think that crosses the line into cheating.

I doubt that on the basis of your updates

Both you and your husband are in denial. I can understand totally why you would be. All the best to you.

He knows I don’t approve of him watching porn and I felt we’d set clear boundaries in the past.

What was the boundary you think you've set OP?

Say you don’t think you can have sex with him whilst you knows he’s pleasuring himself looking at men

And you say that up until this point this has been a loving and healthy relationship?!

Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s realistic to expect Men not to watch porn. I told a couple of partners in the past that I didn’t want them to, they both agreed & I later found out that they were both watching porn. I assume my current partner does, but I don’t even question it because they’ll likely do it anyway.

I think the issue is that he is paying for it. I mean I’ve no idea if it’s out there for free anymore? I could still get past that if it’s a tenner a month or something . The bit that would weird me out is that he’s watching Trans porn. That would be a step too far for me. I know people have preferences, but that would be a no no for me (unless you’re both into that scene and then ignore me).

This is an AGP pipeline, based on stories I’ve read of women who’ve had husbands declare they’re trans after decades of marriage. Watching this type of porn seems to be a significant factor. Sorry op, but you need to do some hard thinking here.

I would worry it’s a small step between watching it and then trying on your clothes. And to choose caricatures of women as his interest. So disrespectful.
I mean, yes, it’s his choice. But it’s one I couldn’t tolerate. I’d dry up.

It makes him bisexual. A bisexual who seems to be in denial about their attraction to men, hence him looking at men who try to present themselves in feminine ways and then him being quick to point out it doesn’t make him gay.

They look like women because they wear wigs, lipstick and usually surgically enhanced breasts. That is what your dp thinks is "womanly". And yet the majority keep their dicks so any sex is man on man with boobs. I find that insulting to women in general that we as a sex class are defined by boobs and lipstick.

What do you want to do now?

If my OH was looking at (paying for) gay porn, which trans porn is, then that would be the end for me. It would make me question who he actually was. It is a massive Ick. Well, just the whole thing is Ick inducing, but the trans stuff is another level. He wants a chick with a dick.

I agree with the others. Your boundary is that you won't accept him watching porn - now you need to work out what the consequences of that boundary breaking is to the relationship. If you decide to fight for your marriage it means your boundary was actually not a boundary it was just a wish.

In your shoes I "might" fight for it with normal porn but it isn't is it? It's domination, trans (ie gay) which is different. I wouldn't be able to have him touch me ever again knowing men turn him on, and that's a relationship death knell.

Sorry OP

That was helpful.

You can’t unknow what you have now discovered. It would be the end for me, but you may have different boundaries. There’s no right or wrong, just what you believe is healthy/normal.

Wait until your child is asleep

Ok so are you going to sit tonight and talk to him?

TBH I suspect these days most men use porn to some degree. It’s everywhere online and I don’t believe any of them are saintly enough to always look away. That said, there’s a difference between sneaking a look now and then and paying for it. And the more extreme, niche stuff would be a worry. You said the subject has come up before and you discussed boundaries. What was the agreement? Did he promise never to use porn? Or to never spend money on it? If so he’s broken that promise. If he just agreed to be discreet about it then that would be a different matter.
And everything really hinges on how you feel about him having a long term porn habit. Some women are ok with it as long as he’s not rubbing it in their face. If you are not one of them you have a big decision to make.

What has your sex life been like with him recently?

If he’s watching that much porn he will have desensitised himself to regular men and women shagging. The trans, domination etc will be an escalation, pushing boundaries. It doesn’t mean he’s gay or even wants to get involved in any of that stuff, it’s just that he needs more risqué content to get off. Thats not to say you shouldn’t be concerned about an apparent addiction or compulsion but don’t jump to him being gay because some of the people in the videos he’s watching have dicks. I imagine at least 50% of them do, it’s just that some also have boobs!