AIBU to ask my ex to contribute to school trip costs?

That’s ridiculous. Is it financial abuse when any parent declines to pay for a £1200 ski trip?

I initially thought you were being reasonable until I read that you asked ExH about paying half before booking a place - and he said no but you booked anyway. So you can’t have had an expectation that he would pay - you are just hoping he would relent. The relationship between DS1 and his Dad adds further complications- and although it may seem harsh, I don’t think your ex is unreasonable to maintain his original position as you decided DS1 could go knowing ExH was not willing to contribute.

Given he originally wanted to pay much less towards his son's upkeep, why would you expect him to pay for an expensive school trip? Also as it's presumably your choice to send him on the trip, not a joint one, why should he? These trips aren't compulsory.

A caring decent dad might agree with you for you son's benefit, but I guess you know what he is like.

So YABU in this case.

Shit Dad who is financially abusive to his son because son doesn't want to see him, probably because he's a shit Dad.

Why do you expect a shit Dad to suddenly stop being a shit Dad?

I didn’t say it was Pay per view. But likely the relationship they have is impacting a decision.

we don’t know whether ex can afford it, we don’t know if he agrees the trip is worth it, good value ( school trips notoriously expensive).

op is unreasonable to have asked, been told no, booked anyway yet still expect him to cough up.

of course, might behaved is a shit. But usually there’s more to the story than just that

kids are not pay per view as is often said here. Why should whether DS wants to see his father have anything to do with his father's responsibility to give him the best childhood he can afford?

Well £1200 is a lot of money. It’s an optional trip. Yes your son wants to go but this is a considered costs that even if together your ex might say he doesn’t think good value or not prepared to fund it.

you asked him. He said no. So if your son wants to go and you agree you’ll need to pay.

what’s the backstory on why your son doesn’t want to see his dad - that’s likely relevant here

Well their other shared child lives 50/50 so each parent pays own cost.
why would the ex pay toward other dc if not his? Op has been clear is £600 as half of costs for ds13

She has at least two that she's mentioned.

so the 13 year old refuses to visit his father but you expected him to spend an extra £600? If someone wanted £600 out of me the least I would expect is that person to ask in person!

I think £600 for one child is quite a lot. I know someone who gets £400 for three children and we’ve all heard the horror stories of women getting a fiver a month. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be nice for him to also pay extra towards this trip but equally, I’m imagining this is one of the trips abroad. Very few children go on those, usually only the very wealthy or those where school helps towards the cost e.g children in care.

It’s £1200 a month to raise one child? Really?

More than a whiff of entitlement about you and your son @Trustmeits . I wouldn’t pay 600 quid for someone who refused to see me to go on holiday either!

You can ask but unless you jointly decided to book the trip you can’t expect it. These trips are optional, mine never went on them because they were too expensive

Ah yes because 13 year olds are the best judges of character ever, and never rebel against parents with boundaries or rules…

YANBU but mine won’t either. Given up asking!

Even though he now has the kids for far fewer days than he was originally meant to, and pays less maintenance than our original court ordered amount.

It’s more than CMS minimum but only just!

Edit - I’ve taken him back to court twice to enforce maintenance when he’s stopped paying all together or slashed what he paid really low so I can’t be bothered again.

I think the fact that your son doesn't want to see his father tells us all we need to know. Dad is a wanker.

13 year olds are notoriously difficult but, clearly, dad has no wish to even try to have a relationship with him. If he thinks that £600 a month is half the cost of raising a child, he's also delusional.

YANBU to ask, but equally he is NBU to say no. I think it's ridiculous that CMS is meant to cover everything, when it's often a pittance. But there we are.

My dad paid for one of our 'big' school trips, on top on maintenance. There were charities that could help with others, don't know if there still are.

Also assuming is ski trip.
why does ds13 not want to see his dad?
@Trustmeits if ex messages you and says can I get £600 for ds 11 will you pay it across?

Assuming there’s no abuse or genuine logistical issue as your younger son does 50/50, I think you and your older son would be unreasonable to expect him to contribute to nice extras for a child who doesn’t like him enough to see him.

Try to refrain from not telling your son that his father is not contributing

£1200 won't be a school trip in the normal sense eg where everyone goes. It will be an optional extra such as a ski trip or trip abroad for languages, and lots of the kids won't be able to afford to go.

Well presumably if your 13yo went to see his Dad he would also be involved in those weekends away etc. It's not directly comparable.

I can see though how it's a big cost now for 13yo and will likely thej be replicated to a similar cost in 2 yrs time when the 11yo is due to go on a similar trip.

It's just not feasible for everyone. My SS14 is 50/50 across his Mum & Dad's homes. No maintenence but there is a list of certain costs (sports, school etc) that are split. He had an extra curricular trip over Easter and my DH asked SS14 mum if she could contribute, she said no. We initially told SS he couldn't go because we couldn't afford it all. We did however scrimp and Dave and pay for it 100% including spending money but we definitely couldn't have done it if we had another child 2 or 3 years younger who might need a similar optional expense at that age.