AIBU to ask my ex to contribute to school trip costs?

But just because it's not intended to cover those expenses doesn't mean that you have to cover them in addition to CMS. Parents are legally obliged to provide the essentials for their children but they aren't legally obliged to pay for expensive luxuries, like skiing trips.

He's only responsible for child support and perhaps reasonable expenses like in usa it might be medical insurance, over a grand for a school trip is a bit steep and it's not an essential, he has his own expenses too, he might not be able to afford to split the school trip costs

Just been through this except in reverse. Ex told the kids and signed up to three school trips for the two kids and wants me to pay half. Trips are approx £7900 and that's just the trips, not the thru will need for the trips ....

Splitting 50/50 puts me under significant financial pressure. When I add my CMS, wages, benefits, I still earn 15% of what he earns.

I contacted CMS to find out how CMS works/what it is to pay for. Was told it's basic day to day living expenses and they clearly said it's food clothing mortgage, heat, electricity, they were clear it doesn't cover school trips. They are not day to day living expenses..

I have agreed to pay 1/3 and I now need to set aside money each month for this and make sure that I can still pay my mortgage and utilities etc etc etc

Now who is being presumptuous.

To be fair £600 is a lot of money . Unless your son really uses £1200 a month on his needs any extra should be out aside for stuff as this , uniforms , extra stuff your son needs . If he was paying you £300 my reply would be very different but should be 50/50 and in this case it probably is

I'm guessing it's probably skiing.

I should probably disclose that my own DH was asked for £700 towards a skiing trip for SD.

He said he was willing to contribute but also wanted to see SD making an attempt to contribute herself, as a skiing trip is a luxury. He offered to double every penny she could earn and we started off by offering her £10 an hour (which we then doubled) to "babysit" her 5 year old sister (i.e. keep her occupied but an adult was present) whilst we worked from home in the school holidays. She did it for half a day and then said she didn't want to anymore and we booked DD into holiday club.

Then she stayed overnight with my Mum and was offered her £10 to strip the bedding in the guest room (she runs a B & B from home) and 2 hours later she still hadn't so Mum did it herself and didn't offer her any more jobs. She refused to offer to wash neighbour's cars or mow lawns.

So she got £80 in total towards the trip. I don't think it's a good message to pay out for what is a very expensive holiday without them showing any inclination to work for it. And it's definitely not something I'd consider for a child who I didn't even see.

Exactly this.

I find it absolutely absurd that someone would say in one hand the man is abusive and in the other they try to facilitate said abusive person and are more than happy for an even younger child to live 50% with that abusive person.

If a father in a ‘together’ family says he can’t afford a school trip, then that’s ok, but a separated father can’t do the same without being criticised

The same principle applies to support whilst a univery

But he isn’t being nasty here. I don’t know him and don’t actually usually jump to the defence of NRP’s because they can often be utterly selfish and shit. In this scenario though, he’s being kind of sensible. Those trips are a massive ripoff / luxury afforded by very few. They’re usually 3 days long and don’t include food. For the same price or less even you could go on a family holiday for a week.

YANBU, and he's not either; except for framing his 'no' as a punishment for you claiming CMS.

You have presented evidence in court and he has 50/50 custody - if there was evidence of abuse then the court would at the very least have made it supervised visitation. Your younger son also knows not seeing his dad is an option as his brother doesn't, but still chooses to see him.

After saying he is abusive you then say you have done everything you can to facilitate contact with your oldest son - why, if he is actually abusive you should be happy he is not seeing him and putting your efforts into stopping contact with the youngest.

1200 is what I spent going to the Bahamas 5* resort last year ....what kinda school trip is 1200?

So it costs £1200 for one child - so £2400 a month for both - then add in the cost for the mum too - you are saying the cost for the basics for this family is between £3.5-5K a month?
Never earned that much and raised my 2 kids alone just fine - £600 a month for one would have been amazing - I got a tiny fraction of that for both (and no we didn't have 50/50 - he rarely showed up and never had them over night)

Where did you get that the dad has no wish to have a relationship - OP clearly said the son doesn't want to see the dad. The fact the dad sees the other son would suggest he isn't a deadbeat dad that wants nothing to do with his kids.
OP should be doing more to facilitate a relationship between them - he isn't abusive or she wouldn't allow her other son to see him

It's hard to accept he doesn't want to give the same.

But you're no longer married. Your separate households have costs. The maintenance pays for some of your kids' necessary expenses, like food and shelter and clothing. But expecting him to pay for extras because he would have if you were together ignores the increased costs of separate households. Add in that the son chooses no contact with his dad yet you still think he should pay for extras like pricey trips, that's not how it works. He pays his support. That's all you're entitled to. He takes his younger son on trips because that's part of maintaining contact and including his younger son in his life, so he chooses to bear those costs. Your oldest has opted out of those by going no contact.

I wouldn’t pay £1200 for a school trip in the first place.

This

I think I just hoped he would be able to help me offer him an experience he would have had for sure if we were still married.

When you were married, the pair of you were only financing one home. It is unrealistic to think that the same income(s), which now have to finance 2 homes, can stretch to the same extras you enjoyed when married.

Technically cms is the legal contribution he is expected to make and he isn’t obligated to pay more. You are not unreasonable to ask though.

He showed you his attitude by wanting a private agreement that shortchanged his DC by hundreds of pounds. I found with an ex like this it is easier to assume you are on your own apart for what they can be legally forced to do and be glad you don’t still live with them.

What is thetrip?
Why does ds want to go?
If is educational relevant etc then save 100 out of cms over next 12 months so ds does not miss out
Sell his old clothes on vinted he can help pack label and take to post office
You can make few hundred selling lots of bits and pieces

Absolutely this. Your son can’t have it both ways.

Not only do I think YANBU, I think your ex husband is a dick. You are not asking for the money for yourself, you are asking for it for his own son. And he is saying no to punish you, thereby harming his own child. I hope you find a solution and thank goodness you are no longer with such an awful man.