School mum crossed a line or am I overthinking it?

She sounds like one of these people that have no filter and are ffff rude. I have an aunt like this. She has said multiple remarks out of turn to me and my now deceased mum. I am 1 of 4 children. 1 day she was at the door when I was little and she was talking to my mum about something and I overheard her say "well, you know, you dont keep your house tidy like me" i heard my mum say very short replies and close the door. My aunt is OCD(understatement) and only had one child so had the ability to keep her house tidier. She has said very rude remarks to me recently. 1 day i was talking about my sick, old dog and she just blurted "oh well, how much to just kill him?" I just was struck to silence. I dont know if its superiority and they think they can say stuff like this or that they are thick... but either way... i couldnt stand it anymore and rarely talk to her.
I will also add that she is a very lonely person and obsesses over her house non stop. I cannot stand it, but im not surprised she is lonely. She is selfish and entitled.

I wouldn't like a 7 yo allowed to watch TV unsupervised presumably in a befroom.

Yip. This was not a nice thing to say.

She doesn’t like your son. And let me tell you from experience this will escalate as they get older. I had a similar situation and I now don’t talk to the other mum at all. I’d honestly phase them out.

I’m on the fence.

The reality is that most parents who don’t have a disabled child would say they wouldn’t have children if that meant having one with disabilities. The fact that a pregnancy can be terminated up till birth for even the most straightforward anomalies is testament to that fact.

Added to which, many parents who do have children with disabilities do actively choose not to have any more, for a variety of reasons:

• caring for one child with disabilities can be hard, the level of difficulty depends on the level of disability.
• people with disabilities do have a harder time in general life. Many parents wouldn’t choose to potentially put more than one child through those difficulties.
• and in the case of one parent I knew, her child’s difficulties were so significant (non verbal autism with major underlying behavioural issues) that he simply wouldn’t have coped with having a sibling, disabled or not. The crying baby, any sound from a toddler etc would have caused untold meltdowns, and his parents didn’t feel they could put him, and them, through it.

Telling tales is a difficult one. Yes a child should on some levels not feel they shouldn’t tell an adult if something is wrong, but there are degrees of wrong. Hurting someone/inappropriate touching etc are obviously wrong and should be called out. But “x is watching something he shouldn’t be,” while he’s essentially not wrong, is being a telltale and isn’t going to win him friends going forward. And as a child with disabilities who may struggle to retain friendships as he grows up, as children can be cruel, I would give it some thought.

Same as a previous poster, I now have 3 dc and I've learned not to give a crap and don't waste time on people like this.

I had a friend who was equally insensitive and I put up with it for many years because ‘that was just her’ but eventually she crossed a line very far across and I just stopped seeing her. I just found my tolerance dropped for her lack of self awareness.

I did quietly tried to push back on occasion but I think either people have some self awareness or they don’t. If they do the minor pushback will work, if they don’t nothing ever changes.

It Might be obvious but it’s still a bloody nasty thing to say, focussing on the negative traits of a child and ignoring the lovely positive things about him.

My youngest is autistic, I couldn't cope with two of him so wouldn't be offended by a friend stating the obvious.
I've always encouraged my DC to tell the truth and come to an adult if something is wrong. She is right that it can lead to losing friends but I do think it's an overstep to say that to someone else's child.

Honestly op I think the best thing to do is to call her out when those types of comments are made.

"You shouldn't tell tales" - it's ok darling, if you have asked a friend to stop doing something you don't like and they continue you are absolutely allowed to ask a grown up for help.

"I couldn't imagine having two of your son" - that's an ... interesting thing to say to me, I'm quite happy with my son even though certain things might be harder for him. Then look at her and hold the silence and let her process what she's just said.

I think the less you hold your tongue the better as long as you're doing it politely. Plus it means your child can see you standing up for him which matters.

I’d be really hurt by those comments and I would personally distance myself as a friend

fine if the boys want to hang out and be friends but that wouldn’t be someone I would want to spend time with anymore

She’s a bitch.

What do you say to those comments? If you're not pulling her up (gently at first and then more firmly if she doesn't take the hint and learn to bite her lip) then she is probably taking your silence as agreement with her observations and she'll likely get bolder in her criticisms.
Also for your DS's sake, next time she reprimands him for a value you uphold (i.e. telling a grown up when something is wrong) take his side in front of him.
It can be awkward but we are our kids best advocates, and I think I'd try to say something like: "That's true, but there is a difference between tattling and getting help when a mistake has been made. Thank you for telling us, Johnny."
Your friend might not love that, but it is true and it reinforces the message you've been giving your child and backs him up.

I really wouldn’t like this. I feel like she’s pushing the boundaries with you-feels a bit mean girl/bullyish. Be firm but polite and show her you won’t stand for it.

Tbh I think her first comment needs more context. If you've spoken to her at any length about the difficulties you've had with him then she perhaps just missed the mark trying to empathise with hiw hard you find it.

The second one isn't on but I'd have pulled up on the spot and just reiterate that he'd done the right thing in speaking up.

I don't think it's a deal breaker though, everyone does things differently and I think in the modern day we are all so alert to the awful things that can happen to kids that we naturally feel a bit stressed wheanyone needs gives any messaging thst might maybe one day mean that a child doesn't speak up about something bad.

I agree she dosnt like your son, I wouldn’t hang around with someone who has distain for my child.

....she also told my son that he shouldn’t “tell tales” on his friends as he won’t keep friends that way.
My son was quite upset by that, as he felt he was doing the right thing by telling us. I’ve always encouraged him to come to an adult if something feels wrong or inappropriate, so I didn’t love that message at all.

I can see both sides, here.

She DID go and speak to her son to tell him to turn it off and she DOES have a point.

Yes, we should encourage our kids to speak to a responsible adult when worried about something BUT tattling over small things IS highly likely to lose your son friends.

My son has ASD and part of that is a very strong sense of morality and hatred of injustice. It's a great thing.

It is our responsibility to set our kids up for success and that does include helping them to navigate the often ridiculous social 'rules' of friendships.

As an ex teacher as well as a Mum, I can confirm that kids do not often enjoy being around other kids who 'tell tales' over small things.

If someone is in danger or being hurt, of course DS should speak to an adult, but running to a friend's Mum to tell them they're watching something 'inappropriate' is not going to end well for your child.

It sounds like you are quite an anxious parent and she is one of those somewhat brusque Mums who says it as she sees it. I've been there. I tend to take things to heart. Whilst that's an obvious clash, sometimes I feel like we do need these types of people to give our heads a wobble when we're being too protective or overly sensitive.

Yes- I found myself sticking with the parents who had similar values; it was much easier!

I would step back. She is rude and I suspect under the illusion her son is an angel. These parents are problematic so best avoided as are they kids because they tend to become equally problematic long term behaviour wise. I have pulled my children back from parents like this because they tend to blame the other child rather than accept there childs behaviour was an issue.

This.

Something said gently but firmly in the moment is what’s called for.

She is unkind. Keep away from unkind people.

You both have different values, I wouldn't stay friends.

Both examples give me the impression that she really dislikes your child. I'd have to take a step back from her.

Probably best not to let your son go to her house without you.

The first comment could be tongue in cheek depending on how close you are as you do say you are friends. My toddler is very full on at the minute and if friends family said I/they wouldn’t want two of her I’d laugh. The second comment was off though as it’s odd to encourage a child not to say if they feel uncomfortable with something and whatever was put on could have been scaring him.